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(Tuesday, 30th Sep, 2014)

Teenager with no friends or confidence

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23 Posts

Kate  ·  20 Aug 2009

Thanks polly, makes a lot of sense.


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1,374 Posts

purple  ·  17 Aug 2009

hi

like polly said. i would listen to her,

 

92 Posts

polly  ·  17 Aug 2009

Go up to their rooms the odd time and get them to talk!

Say you are worried about them and let them know how

much you love them. Look for where their interests are,

get them to go and join a club such as st. johns ambulance,

red cross,FCA , chess clubs etc. Tell them that lots of people are

scared when they meet people first. If they are with like minded people

who share their interests then they are more likely to make friends.

 

23 Posts

CATHY  ·  16 Aug 2009

just wondering how is everyone getting on with their shy or troubled teens.  My son is now 17 and has had a quiet summer, just one lad he goes out with an odd time but no real friends.  I wonder has anyone a suggestion where youngsters around this age, male and female could meet up. just a longshot but has anyone any suggestions


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23 Posts

Kate  ·  22 Feb 2009

ANYONE ANY ADVICE ON WHAT CLUBS OR ORGANISATIONS FOR SHY TEENAGERS TO JOIN IN DUBLIN? MY SON IS 16 AND SINCE HIS BEST FRIEND MOVED AWAY HARDLY EVER GOES OUT. ITS TERRIBLE WATCHING HIM. HE LIKES FOOTBALL BUT THE CLUBS AROUND HERE ONLY SEEM INTERESTED IN REALLY GOOD PLAYERS, HES NOT THAT GOOD. I WOULD APPRECIATE ANY ADVICE PLEASE


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22 Posts

Stormin  ·  17 Nov 2008
Our son had great problems in school. He is Dyslexic and has a very high IQ causing great confusion within him and terrible outbursts of anger at anyone trying to help him. Not easy on parents or schools, even expensive special schools in the UK as we found to our cost.
We found that we were on our own but were saved by physical sports, such as Rugby but mainly by Gym membership and a Kickboxing/Boxing club. We were also lucky to find and be able to pay for a short course in tiling skills run by a local company.
He is 18 now and much better settled and we no longer spend time in police stations in the early morning. Ther is hope.
 

42 Posts

femur  ·  15 Nov 2008
Hi, My kids are not teenagers yet but I do remember mine, which were awful. Now we have so much help as bad as social services are if you pursue it you will find the answer. Even you using this notice board is looking for answers. I would get him accessed for aspergers which is a mild type of autism. I know plenty of adults with it who have gone through the system, and yes are married with their own kids. I did read a few years ago that the teenage years is like autism because the brain is rewiring and growing at a rate that the teenager finds very confusing. The other thing I would check is is bullying at school. It's a terrible time for you as well.
 

1,374 Posts

kissey  ·  12 Nov 2008
hi kate
we took our son out of school as he was so depressed about being bullied, and no we never got as much as a sorry off them. we are now trying today to get him into a place as he is so lost, he stays in his room a lot.
 

23 Posts

Kate  ·  11 Nov 2008
Kissey,
that must have been a terrible experience for you. I know the teachers have a lot to deal with but that sort of ignorance for special pupils is really disgraceful. My son tells me he hardly ever sees the year head yet if I'm talking to her she claims to know everything going on with him. I do wonder.
Some schools are really good for looking after children with learning problems, but keep at the school and the principal to do more for him. Don't give up!

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1,374 Posts

kissey  ·  10 Nov 2008
hi kate
yes its terrible that a teenager has no confidence as to going outside, but ask yourself this as i have, when they go out are they jeered. my son goes out with me to the shops. if he goes out on his own, and comes back and says ma they are jeering me again, i go out to the door, and say look at yourself in the mirror before you start jeering my son, believe me they shut up. this is how bad my son was in school. the teachers in the school knew he had autism, and they would put him outside the door, as to not have any trouble in the classroom. if anyone started on him, he got the blame for it. how i know this my husband has a friend in the school where he went and if he seen our son outside the room, he would contact us and tell us. we would go up to the school and ask whats going on. he went into 4th year, he was in there for two weeks and i had to take him out as the teachers were as bad as the kids. and i blame the government, as the school had no one up there to cater for his condition, but the teachers should av known better to treat him like that. i was told by his year head that she would miss him, i told her yeah of course you will, i said to her you cant wait till he leaves as it would be better for u lot.
 

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Anonymous  ·  08 Nov 2008
Hi Kissey and Punchi,
I do feel your pain. As being a child myself with no confidence and very little friends, I see my eldest son pretty much the same. He's 16 and has no friends at all in his year at school, he is very shy but has a very warm heart and would put himself out for people all the time. He has dyspraxia and can be a bit slow in learning and "getting the joke" sometimes. He doesnt have the savvy behaviour of his peers. I would love him to make new friends to go out with, such as today he wanted to go to "toys for big boys" but had no one to go with. I wish there was a group that all these teens could meet.
 

1,374 Posts

kissey  ·  07 Nov 2008
hi all
yes bullying causes so much pain, for the person that is being bullied. Our son who has aspergers, if he goes outside kids would jeer him-he has two good mates who call for him and take him out, but if he goes out on his own he would be jeered. Their parents should talk to them. I was bullied in school, i was terrified to go to school, my father was driving by my school one day and saw me crying, he got out brought me home, and went to their parents, but that didn't help, the bullies made my life hell in school, but when my younger sister started , they didn't no her, and she could see them bully me, she got hold of the two of them and threw them down the stairs in the school.
They went to the principal, but they were thrown out of the school as they were warned many a time not to touch me. When i was in school one bully said to me, you will never have a real relationship with a boyfriend or get married or have kids, as you are so simple. I proved them all wrong. Today i am a happly married woman with two boys.
 

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Anonymous  ·  06 Nov 2008
Hi, My son is 15 and we had to change his school when he started secondary. Now 3 yrs gone and he never made any close friends. First few yrs when I asked him he just ignored talking about it but now he says he stopped talking to most of people because they bullied him and thought best thing is to stop talking to everyone. But now he wants to make friends and he has no confidence in making friends. He says when some people are around he is scared to talk but he really wants to make friends now but he thinks they can remember him as the person got bullied and boy who is extra quiet. He is very depressed that he has no friends but has no confidence of making any. Today he said he sometimes feels he doesn't belong in school. Can any one help me please, how can I help him?
 

2 Posts

Caroline (QKW69686)  ·  16 Jul 2008
My God! I am getting so angry reading the posts. Bullying causes so much pain. It's bad enough that kids have to put up with this crap from other kids but when teachers are doing the bullying it is just totally unacceptable. I think any teacher who bullies a child should be sacked and never allowed to teach again. After all it is a form of abuse.
Do kids these days get any information about bullying in school?
 

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Anonymous  ·  16 Jul 2008
My son was severly bullied at national school by his teacher. I threatened legal action and this stopped her bullying but the damage to his self esteem was already done. This left him open to bullying at secondry school and he withdrew from life up to his bedroom for several years. It was heartbreaking to watch my very gentle child become a loner. After many years he just came down and told us he was joining a local rugby club.
He hasn't looked back. It is great to see him back to his old self. All parents should remember that something triggers this behaviour, they don't choose to live their lives like this
 

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Anonymous  ·  14 Jul 2008
HI
WE HAVE A SON WHO JUST TURNED 19 AND HE HAS ASPERGERS. HE HAS NOT THAT MANY FRIENDS. HE KEEPS TO HIMSELF, ALWAYS IN HIS ROOM, LOOKS AT DVDS ALL DAY. HE WONT GET INVOLVED IN ANYTHING. HE GOES TO THE PICTURES BY HIMSELF OR WITH HIS BROTHER, BUT OTHER THAN THAT HE KEEPS TO HIMSELF.
 

2 Posts

Caroline (QKW69686)  ·  13 Jul 2008
Hi,
we moved house when my son was 8. He made friends early on and seemed to adjust very well. As time went on he became more isolated. He still had a few friends but when he started secondary school he didn't go out and spent all his time in his room. He was mad into computers and wanted to be a computer programmer. I didn't really worry because he was quiet anyway and had no interest in going to discos, smoking, drinking or anything like that. I was relieved because i thought it was great to have such a well behaved child. What I didn't realise at the time was that he was being bullied at school. His so called "friends" turned on him and beat him up one day. They made fun of the way he dressed, the music he liked and even the fact that he liked to wear his baseball cap back to front! His description of it is that they "ripped the shit out of me". At 15 he became very depressed and it has been a long battle for him to try to make sense of his depression and anxiety. He is extremely intelligent and has no interest in talking to people who he feels don't have something interesting to say. He can't, or won't, make small talk and so comes accross as being unfriendly. He is 24 now, didn't finish school and has never had a proper job (a few months here and there stacking shelves) although he studies constantly. He has a very strong interest in alternative medecine - acupuncture in particular and has completed one year of an acupuncture course. Now he doesn't want to go back next year. He says he hates Ireland, that noone understands him and he feels different to other people.
My point is, I missed completely the fact that he was so unhappy growing up. I had no idea he was being so badly bullied. I thought it was a teenage hormone thing. Something he would grow out of - he hasn't. Some children are just quiet, some are unhappy. I think it is important to be aware of your child. Let them know that you are always there to listen to them. My son said he felt very alone growing up. Never be too busy.
One thing that did help later on (he was finished in school) was the fact that he started karate classes (to protect himself) but he met and became friends with some of the others in his class because they were like-minded people. He is still friends with them. Whatever your child is interested in, if they join a group of people who share the same interest they will have something to talk about.
 

1 Posts

brendan (XPL71419)  ·  12 Jul 2008
hi all
my son is almost 19 and has dyspraxia. He never 'fitted' anywhere, any friends he made turned out to be bullies, something he hid most of the time just to keep his so called 'friends'. He just sat his leaving cert but he hasn't left the house since the school holidays started. We moved out of dublin a year ago in the hope it would improve the quality of life for all of us but it has just isolated him more.
 

2 Posts

Laura (STN72817)  ·  10 Jul 2008
Hi am,

i know it is very worrying but i rmember those days, i'm 25 now and remember every bit of it, i was split up from my friends from primary school when we moved to secondary and i felt like i just didnt fit in anywhere, it was really horrible then i got bullied for a couple of years. my mother was going out of her mind with worry, insisted on going to the school to sort it out, which made me worse, i know it sounds all bad but wait there is the light at the end of the tunnel coming....

i grew out of it, realised that if i didnt make the effort, nobody else would. it took me the whole of first year going home after school, sittin in by myself while even my siblings were out with teir friends playing, going to school on mondays and overhearing about everyones fabulous weekends to snap me out of it. i went to an all girls school which was really hard cause i always got on better with boys, ( i was a tom boy) a new girl started the second year and was exactly like i was, what i didnt know was my mother had "bumped" into one of the teachers while shopping and had a little chat, we were gently brought closer together until we were sitting beside each other and struk up a friendship, that was when i was 13, and were still going strong, she's like my left arm now.

they will be fine, their bodies are changing and they have to get a chance to get their heads round all the crazy hormones in their body then they'll readjust. but maybe a quiet work in a kind teachers ear without them knowing might do the trick, there coudl be another child in school the same. life is tough enough as it is growing up, but doind it without friends is awful. best of luck with it my dear.
 

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Anonymous  ·  09 Jul 2008
hi am, i dont know if this will help,but my daughter was bullied in school,and it did affect her acedemic standards. she always felt she was no good even though she was smart but couldnt see it herself. we spoke with the principal of the school and she was a great help. she linked her up with the school councillor,and also spoke to her and assured her she could come to her anytime she needed. i also got her to trust in me and no matter what she told me i would listen and deal with it what ever way was comfortable for her but if it needed more than me to sort it out i told her i would go with her or for her if she didnt want to be present. it has worked so far. now the only hurdle i am faced with is that she is going on to do the plc for nursing and she had hoped for more points in her leaving cert but due to the bullying she went through it did knock her back. try find out if there is bullying going on either by name calling or physically any form of abuse. children are so cruel to each other and often the bully is found to be a victim of some form of abuse either at home or else where and hides it by projecting the anger in this form on quiet vulnerable ones. i dont know what area you are in but have you tried the child psychologist/local social worker in your area? they did help me in the earlier times by supporting and teasing out the problem when my child didnt want to talk to us or relations about the problem. i hope some of this advice will help. i know what you are going through. ive been there and all i can say is be strong and stay focused through it. good luck with finding an end to the problem. if i can be of any other help just ask.
 

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Anonymous  ·  08 Jul 2008
Am, find out what interests him, what sparks his enthusiasm. It could be anything from stamp collecting to gardening.
Then see if there are clubs for like-minded people in the area.
As regards what he'll work at. If he can find something he's good at, it will improve his confidence, which might make for a happier person, confident people do better which helps their confidence further.
 

1 Posts

Am  ·  08 Jul 2008
My brother is 16 and would always have been behind for his age, Slow to walk, talk etc, He has always needed extra help at school which he receives. He is now about to start pre-leaving but has never had any friends in school and I believe he is being bullied but is too proud to say. I know that he is a bit different to the "smart" people in his class. My elderly Mother worries constantly about what will become of him, where can he work.
Is there any schools, organistions that he can become involved with where there would be teenagers with similar problems. He has no confidence which has really come from not having friends and being very weak acadamia. I don't care about him not being good at school or not getting a good job, all I want is for him to be happy.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
 

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Anonymous  ·  12 Jul 2007
Cathy, is he happy?
 

23 Posts

Cathy  ·  07 Jul 2007
I am a mother of a 13 year old boy who suffers with anxiety and depression. he was always shy at primary school and dreaded going to secondary. I thought it would be the making of him, making new friends etc. but the opposite has happened. He hasn't made really any new friends, there's one boy hes kinda friendly with since primary and he only sees him about twice a week, the rest of the time is spent in the house, watching tv and playing playstation. I do worry about hmi not going out much, should I press him more to join groups or let him watch tv and do what he likes? I'm confused

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14 Posts

Neidi  ·  01 Mar 2007
I'm sorry to hear your son is so withdrawn, but if it's any consolation to you, I was exactly the same, and my parents had exactly the same worries about me. I'm now 27, and the only thing that 'cured' me of my shyness (I'm not sure I'm totally cured yet!) was - believe it or not - just growing up, and getting older. I think I internalised a lot of the stress and weirdness involved in going through adolescence, and my quietness was just my way of considering what was happening to me, understanding it and dealing with it. I was just like your son - I spent all day every day in my room, reading, or writing in my diaries (which were full of gloomy poetry about depression, and so forth) and became somewhat of a 'Goth', but I'm through it now. I didn't go to therapy (though I'm not saying that's not the way forward for your son), I just knew that my parents were there, loving and concerned, if I needed them. Speaking as a person who has (somewhat) recently been through something like your son's experience, I would say just let him know you're there should he need you, and try not to constantly annoy him about why he's not outside playing, or why he has no friends, or whatever - he might not even realise he's become withdrawn and quiet. I don't think I did, for a while at least. I'm afraid to tell you that my 'withdrawn' phase lasted through most of my adolescence - I was in my twenties, probably, when I started to snap out of it. If your son's school has a guidance counsellor or a ministry of some sort, would it be possible to have a confidential word with them about your son? I'm in no way qualified to tell you what the best thing to do is, and I truly hope that all your son is going through is normal teenage angsty blues, like I did. Being there for him, talking to him, telling him you love him and keeping communication with him is what I would recommend. Good luck.
 

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Anonymous  ·  01 Mar 2007
Hi, I know what you are going through - my son and only child is 13. he is a lively boy but all through national school had a problem with friends, they were either bullies or just couldnt be bothered with him. Like your son, he had nobody after school, at the weekends or school hols to play with, I was forever taking him places to get him out of the house, I was at my wits end. he did have a few kids on the road but they were either too young for him or mainly girls. He used to say to me that he felt a loner and needless to say this broke my heart. His school wasnt in the area we lived , though I dont think this mattered as I felt his class were not willing to get involved or their parents either. Now he has started secondary school he has made lots of friends, plays rugby on a regular basis (he never played sports before as he used to get slagged) and is doing very well at it, it took him some time to settle into secondary, but I think we are through the other side. So dont give up hope, your son is finding is difficult to settle and also their hormones play a big part, but within no time at all, you will see a difference. Counselling through his school may help.
 

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Anonymous  ·  26 Feb 2007
For the 13 year old girl who has difficulty socialising - could it be that she has become self-conscious due the the onset of puberty?
This could have a number of causes
- she may have started her periods and be very senstive about this.
- she may have lost or gained weight
- she may be self conscious about breast development
- she may be going through a bad patch as regards her skin or hair.
- If she has recently started wearing braces or had a growth spurt this may also be affecting hr confidence.
On the upside, I was what was known as a \'bad mixer\' as a child but the four friends I made at Uni have turned out to be friends for life.
Pay attention to her wider interests and try not to push her to socilaise where she is not comfortable.
 

59 Posts

fionah  ·  14 Feb 2007
I was a moderately shy child who became an extremely shy teenager. I simply didn't enjoy socialising as much as other people; i was fine in small groups of friends or with siblings but large groups just stressed me and tired me out. My mother worried and tried to get me to socialise more, but it never helped. When i started college i decided of my own free will to make more of an effort with people, and i'm now a confident 30-something who can hold her own in crowds. However, i still need my own company now and again.

It sounds to me like the teenagers here are, like me, introverts. That is, they find it exhausting to be with other people (especially strangers) for too long and need time alone to "recharge the batteries". There is nothing wrong with introversion, it's simply a variation of personality. In fact, there are some advantages to being an introvert: a rich imagination, less likelihood of delinquency, more likelihood of educational success. They don't enjoy socialising as much as extraverts, but on the other hand they get a lot more pleasure from quiet things like reading or playing music or fiddling about with computers. Introverts value quality rather than quantity in friendships.

Adolescence is a particularly hard time for introverts because they become more self-conscious and there is so much emphasis on socialising. They often come into their own in later life when they can shine at college or work. Lots of v successful people were or are introverts; just about every writer or scientist you've heard of, for a start. And Bill Gates, i bet he wasn't a partygoer at school. So yes, it is "the quiet ones that surprise you", but not always in bad ways!

Right now your children are spending a lot of time with people at school and need a bit of "downtime" when they get home. When i get home from work i often spend an hour or so alone with books or music. This is not a sign of mental problems (at least i don't think so!) but necessary for my own inner peace.

Of course, we all need to learn how to get along with other people. Maybe find something your child is interested in, which involves meeting other people but doesn't focus on socialising? For example, i used to enjoy acting classes and they helped me come out of my shell. You can help your kids with social skills but you will not change their personalities. Why would you want to?
 

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Anonymous  ·  08 Feb 2007
Can you get counselling for your teen?? I went throuh the very same thing when i was young.. bout the same age, I withdrew andwas bullied and all the rest..never felt like i was good enough for anything because of it.. you can encourage them all you want but it wont work if they have no confidence in themselve..its very tough.. Recently I have discovered I am HSP(a Highly Sensitve person) thers loads on the internet a bout it but not much in reland) but it explains alot about my childhood... Look it up..it may relate to your kids..
 

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Anonymous  ·  08 Feb 2007
My daughter is 13 and in first year in secondary school and has little or no contact with friends out side school. She is quite bright and is brinnging home excellent grades but she is definately lacking badly in confidence. she doesn't have any belief in her own ability to socialise.
It is easy for her mother and I to see that she is enjoying school from the way she talks about it, but yet she is unwilling to reach out to those school friends after school. I know some of the girls have asked my daughter out on a few occasions but she only responds positively about 10% of the time and I can see that they will get fed up asking.
We have always tried to have open two way discussions about everything in the house but when we raise this she says there is no problem and she'll call for the girls "next week". we also always welcomed her friends into the house when ever she wanted. She says that she is not calling for x because she doesn't like her and she is not calling for y or z because they have their own friends. We think that she will say whatever it takes to stop us asking her to mix.
The most likely candidates for her are a short bus ride or car ride away but that is no problem for us, her parents, to give that lift to her or her friends if they want to meet up.
She is just spending way too much time at home in the house with no interaction with friends. It is becoming very worrying for her mother and I.
Who can help or who can we talk to?
 

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Anonymous  ·  08 Feb 2007
Was your son always quiet and retiring, or has this just started now?
 

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Anonymous  ·  03 Feb 2007
Hello all, can you help? My son has just turned 13 and for the last couple of months I have noticed he doesn't do anything other than go to school come home do his homework and go to his room. I don't think he has any friends and I think he lacks the confidence to approach people to be friends with. He has no extra numbers in his phone and when i buy him 10 credit it lasts him weeks, so i reckon he is not phoning or texting anyone! We have 2 boys nearby that are his age and he played with them all summer but now he won't call to them and when I look back I realise he never called to them but would kick a football in the garden until they saw him and called to him! I keep asking him to call up and get blown off with "later" or i'm doing my homework!
They are still talking and haven't fallen out because the young fella has called once or twice most recently last saturday evening and i've rang his mother and she's says she'll try to suggest to her son to call more often (without letting him know that i've spoken to her of course!)
I'm really worried because i know they always say its the quiet ones you have to look out for and i don't want him to get depressed.
i've tried getting him invovled in sports clubs but he has no interest(again this is to do with the lack of confidence he doesnt think hes good enough!) and there are no youth clubs around my area!

any advice is welcome...
thank you
 
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