Teenager with no friends or confidence
Thanks polly, makes a lot of sense.
like polly said. i would listen to her,
Go up to their rooms the odd time and get them to talk!
Say you are worried about them and let them know how
much you love them. Look for where their interests are,
get them to go and join a club such as st. johns ambulance,
red cross,FCA , chess clubs etc. Tell them that lots of people are
scared when they meet people first. If they are with like minded people
who share their interests then they are more likely to make friends.
just wondering how is everyone getting on with their shy or troubled teens. My son is now 17 and has had a quiet summer, just one lad he goes out with an odd time but no real friends. I wonder has anyone a suggestion where youngsters around this age, male and female could meet up. just a longshot but has anyone any suggestions
ANYONE ANY ADVICE ON WHAT CLUBS OR ORGANISATIONS FOR SHY TEENAGERS TO JOIN IN DUBLIN? MY SON IS 16 AND SINCE HIS BEST FRIEND MOVED AWAY HARDLY EVER GOES OUT. ITS TERRIBLE WATCHING HIM. HE LIKES FOOTBALL BUT THE CLUBS AROUND HERE ONLY SEEM INTERESTED IN REALLY GOOD PLAYERS, HES NOT THAT GOOD. I WOULD APPRECIATE ANY ADVICE PLEASE
We found that we were on our own but were saved by physical sports, such as Rugby but mainly by Gym membership and a Kickboxing/Boxing club. We were also lucky to find and be able to pay for a short course in tiling skills run by a local company.
He is 18 now and much better settled and we no longer spend time in police stations in the early morning. Ther is hope.
we took our son out of school as he was so depressed about being bullied, and no we never got as much as a sorry off them. we are now trying today to get him into a place as he is so lost, he stays in his room a lot.
that must have been a terrible experience for you. I know the teachers have a lot to deal with but that sort of ignorance for special pupils is really disgraceful. My son tells me he hardly ever sees the year head yet if I'm talking to her she claims to know everything going on with him. I do wonder.
Some schools are really good for looking after children with learning problems, but keep at the school and the principal to do more for him. Don't give up!
yes its terrible that a teenager has no confidence as to going outside, but ask yourself this as i have, when they go out are they jeered. my son goes out with me to the shops. if he goes out on his own, and comes back and says ma they are jeering me again, i go out to the door, and say look at yourself in the mirror before you start jeering my son, believe me they shut up. this is how bad my son was in school. the teachers in the school knew he had autism, and they would put him outside the door, as to not have any trouble in the classroom. if anyone started on him, he got the blame for it. how i know this my husband has a friend in the school where he went and if he seen our son outside the room, he would contact us and tell us. we would go up to the school and ask whats going on. he went into 4th year, he was in there for two weeks and i had to take him out as the teachers were as bad as the kids. and i blame the government, as the school had no one up there to cater for his condition, but the teachers should av known better to treat him like that. i was told by his year head that she would miss him, i told her yeah of course you will, i said to her you cant wait till he leaves as it would be better for u lot.
I do feel your pain. As being a child myself with no confidence and very little friends, I see my eldest son pretty much the same. He's 16 and has no friends at all in his year at school, he is very shy but has a very warm heart and would put himself out for people all the time. He has dyspraxia and can be a bit slow in learning and "getting the joke" sometimes. He doesnt have the savvy behaviour of his peers. I would love him to make new friends to go out with, such as today he wanted to go to "toys for big boys" but had no one to go with. I wish there was a group that all these teens could meet.
yes bullying causes so much pain, for the person that is being bullied. Our son who has aspergers, if he goes outside kids would jeer him-he has two good mates who call for him and take him out, but if he goes out on his own he would be jeered. Their parents should talk to them. I was bullied in school, i was terrified to go to school, my father was driving by my school one day and saw me crying, he got out brought me home, and went to their parents, but that didn't help, the bullies made my life hell in school, but when my younger sister started , they didn't no her, and she could see them bully me, she got hold of the two of them and threw them down the stairs in the school.
They went to the principal, but they were thrown out of the school as they were warned many a time not to touch me. When i was in school one bully said to me, you will never have a real relationship with a boyfriend or get married or have kids, as you are so simple. I proved them all wrong. Today i am a happly married woman with two boys.
Do kids these days get any information about bullying in school?
He hasn't looked back. It is great to see him back to his old self. All parents should remember that something triggers this behaviour, they don't choose to live their lives like this
WE HAVE A SON WHO JUST TURNED 19 AND HE HAS ASPERGERS. HE HAS NOT THAT MANY FRIENDS. HE KEEPS TO HIMSELF, ALWAYS IN HIS ROOM, LOOKS AT DVDS ALL DAY. HE WONT GET INVOLVED IN ANYTHING. HE GOES TO THE PICTURES BY HIMSELF OR WITH HIS BROTHER, BUT OTHER THAN THAT HE KEEPS TO HIMSELF.
we moved house when my son was 8. He made friends early on and seemed to adjust very well. As time went on he became more isolated. He still had a few friends but when he started secondary school he didn't go out and spent all his time in his room. He was mad into computers and wanted to be a computer programmer. I didn't really worry because he was quiet anyway and had no interest in going to discos, smoking, drinking or anything like that. I was relieved because i thought it was great to have such a well behaved child. What I didn't realise at the time was that he was being bullied at school. His so called "friends" turned on him and beat him up one day. They made fun of the way he dressed, the music he liked and even the fact that he liked to wear his baseball cap back to front! His description of it is that they "ripped the shit out of me". At 15 he became very depressed and it has been a long battle for him to try to make sense of his depression and anxiety. He is extremely intelligent and has no interest in talking to people who he feels don't have something interesting to say. He can't, or won't, make small talk and so comes accross as being unfriendly. He is 24 now, didn't finish school and has never had a proper job (a few months here and there stacking shelves) although he studies constantly. He has a very strong interest in alternative medecine - acupuncture in particular and has completed one year of an acupuncture course. Now he doesn't want to go back next year. He says he hates Ireland, that noone understands him and he feels different to other people.
My point is, I missed completely the fact that he was so unhappy growing up. I had no idea he was being so badly bullied. I thought it was a teenage hormone thing. Something he would grow out of - he hasn't. Some children are just quiet, some are unhappy. I think it is important to be aware of your child. Let them know that you are always there to listen to them. My son said he felt very alone growing up. Never be too busy.
One thing that did help later on (he was finished in school) was the fact that he started karate classes (to protect himself) but he met and became friends with some of the others in his class because they were like-minded people. He is still friends with them. Whatever your child is interested in, if they join a group of people who share the same interest they will have something to talk about.
my son is almost 19 and has dyspraxia. He never 'fitted' anywhere, any friends he made turned out to be bullies, something he hid most of the time just to keep his so called 'friends'. He just sat his leaving cert but he hasn't left the house since the school holidays started. We moved out of dublin a year ago in the hope it would improve the quality of life for all of us but it has just isolated him more.
i know it is very worrying but i rmember those days, i'm 25 now and remember every bit of it, i was split up from my friends from primary school when we moved to secondary and i felt like i just didnt fit in anywhere, it was really horrible then i got bullied for a couple of years. my mother was going out of her mind with worry, insisted on going to the school to sort it out, which made me worse, i know it sounds all bad but wait there is the light at the end of the tunnel coming....
i grew out of it, realised that if i didnt make the effort, nobody else would. it took me the whole of first year going home after school, sittin in by myself while even my siblings were out with teir friends playing, going to school on mondays and overhearing about everyones fabulous weekends to snap me out of it. i went to an all girls school which was really hard cause i always got on better with boys, ( i was a tom boy) a new girl started the second year and was exactly like i was, what i didnt know was my mother had "bumped" into one of the teachers while shopping and had a little chat, we were gently brought closer together until we were sitting beside each other and struk up a friendship, that was when i was 13, and were still going strong, she's like my left arm now.
they will be fine, their bodies are changing and they have to get a chance to get their heads round all the crazy hormones in their body then they'll readjust. but maybe a quiet work in a kind teachers ear without them knowing might do the trick, there coudl be another child in school the same. life is tough enough as it is growing up, but doind it without friends is awful. best of luck with it my dear.
Then see if there are clubs for like-minded people in the area.
As regards what he'll work at. If he can find something he's good at, it will improve his confidence, which might make for a happier person, confident people do better which helps their confidence further.
Is there any schools, organistions that he can become involved with where there would be teenagers with similar problems. He has no confidence which has really come from not having friends and being very weak acadamia. I don't care about him not being good at school or not getting a good job, all I want is for him to be happy.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
This could have a number of causes
- she may have started her periods and be very senstive about this.
- she may have lost or gained weight
- she may be self conscious about breast development
- she may be going through a bad patch as regards her skin or hair.
- If she has recently started wearing braces or had a growth spurt this may also be affecting hr confidence.
On the upside, I was what was known as a \'bad mixer\' as a child but the four friends I made at Uni have turned out to be friends for life.
Pay attention to her wider interests and try not to push her to socilaise where she is not comfortable.
It sounds to me like the teenagers here are, like me, introverts. That is, they find it exhausting to be with other people (especially strangers) for too long and need time alone to "recharge the batteries". There is nothing wrong with introversion, it's simply a variation of personality. In fact, there are some advantages to being an introvert: a rich imagination, less likelihood of delinquency, more likelihood of educational success. They don't enjoy socialising as much as extraverts, but on the other hand they get a lot more pleasure from quiet things like reading or playing music or fiddling about with computers. Introverts value quality rather than quantity in friendships.
Adolescence is a particularly hard time for introverts because they become more self-conscious and there is so much emphasis on socialising. They often come into their own in later life when they can shine at college or work. Lots of v successful people were or are introverts; just about every writer or scientist you've heard of, for a start. And Bill Gates, i bet he wasn't a partygoer at school. So yes, it is "the quiet ones that surprise you", but not always in bad ways!
Right now your children are spending a lot of time with people at school and need a bit of "downtime" when they get home. When i get home from work i often spend an hour or so alone with books or music. This is not a sign of mental problems (at least i don't think so!) but necessary for my own inner peace.
Of course, we all need to learn how to get along with other people. Maybe find something your child is interested in, which involves meeting other people but doesn't focus on socialising? For example, i used to enjoy acting classes and they helped me come out of my shell. You can help your kids with social skills but you will not change their personalities. Why would you want to?
It is easy for her mother and I to see that she is enjoying school from the way she talks about it, but yet she is unwilling to reach out to those school friends after school. I know some of the girls have asked my daughter out on a few occasions but she only responds positively about 10% of the time and I can see that they will get fed up asking.
We have always tried to have open two way discussions about everything in the house but when we raise this she says there is no problem and she'll call for the girls "next week". we also always welcomed her friends into the house when ever she wanted. She says that she is not calling for x because she doesn't like her and she is not calling for y or z because they have their own friends. We think that she will say whatever it takes to stop us asking her to mix.
The most likely candidates for her are a short bus ride or car ride away but that is no problem for us, her parents, to give that lift to her or her friends if they want to meet up.
She is just spending way too much time at home in the house with no interaction with friends. It is becoming very worrying for her mother and I.
Who can help or who can we talk to?
They are still talking and haven't fallen out because the young fella has called once or twice most recently last saturday evening and i've rang his mother and she's says she'll try to suggest to her son to call more often (without letting him know that i've spoken to her of course!)
I'm really worried because i know they always say its the quiet ones you have to look out for and i don't want him to get depressed.
i've tried getting him invovled in sports clubs but he has no interest(again this is to do with the lack of confidence he doesnt think hes good enough!) and there are no youth clubs around my area!
any advice is welcome...