Bisexual husband?

# 48

Posted: 18/02/2006 09:15

I think you folks are really out of date. sexuality is a spectrum and if it is sexy and acceptable and even promoted that women have sex together, men and women both need to examine the insecurity of the idea of a man having physical attraction to another man. Homophobes...you clearly have not addressed some \'lingering\' issues in your life. How about letting adults in relationships figure out their own private rules? All the angst over this issue stems from the dominance and overt physical sexuality of men.

# 47

Posted: 30/10/2004 15:19

While we all are the product of both
a female and a male it is reasonable
that this will leave the potential
for us to be bisexual to varying
degrees. Our decision to explore
our own sexuality is personal and
we take account of this as we form
relationships. If we can be honest
with ourselves then we will be more
appropriate partners in any form of
intimate relationship. Bisexuality is just another factor that must be
part of dynamic that makes up any
such relationship, marriage or otherwise. As long as the individuals within that relationship are secure with that
reality and are not damaged by it
so be it. What if there is a relationship between a bisexual male and a bisexual female? what do
we say to this. I say this, if 2
human beings can create a relationship that mets their individual needs, sexual and otherwise then we must respect their right to it.It may question
preconceived norms and ideas and
upset some individuals who cannot face up to who they really are.
are these valid reasons for rejecting the reality of bisexuality anymore than the rejection of a person of another
skin color,race,religion?

# 46

Posted: 06/12/2001 11:42

This is undoubtedly a difficult situation, for both partners. And it applies regardless of whether it's the man or the women in the partnership who is bisexual. However, there are many more positive outcomes that might be imagined. Gay Switchboard Dublin can be very helpful. They can be contacted on (01) 8721055. They are available every evening (except Saturday) from 8pm to 10pm and from 3.30pm to 6pm on Saturday afternoons. They can offer non-judgemental and non-directive support. They also have two other services which may be helpful - the Married Mens Group, which provides support for men who are gay or bisexual and are married/in a partnership, and a Spouses Support helpline, which offers support to the partner of a gay or bisexual man.

# 45

Posted: 01/12/2001 16:32

I was married for ten years when my marriage broke up. I didn't know at the time the full reasons for our marriage break up. Five years later, my ex told me he was gay. Can I say to the woman who started this debate 1 Are you happy? 2. Can you live in a relationship knowing your spouse is either Bi or gay? 3. The impact all this will have on your realtionship and health? My ex said he had never had a sexual relationship while living with me, had he, I would have had to have an AIDS test! Not a "nice" visual. I was miserable in my marriage to him, as I always knew there was "something" wrong, but at the time I had no idea what! Not knowing was what made me miserable. We are now divorce and I am happier now than I've ever been. Living in a dishonest relationship takes it's toll on a body, soul and mind. What I'm saying is the choice is yours to do what ever it is that is best and right for you. Dishonesty and all wrongs in life are the only things in this world that make people unhappy. I'm not saying Bi or gay is wrong, but being dishonest about it is! It depends on what you want for yourself and about how willing you are to change in order for you to be happy! I wish you well in your journey.

# 44

Posted: 21/11/2001 18:59

If the above contributor wants the best of both worlds and his wife seems happy enough to go along with it then let him. Live and let Live I say.

# 43

Posted: 15/11/2001 19:06

I have two very healthy and happy children. Sometimes you can be over-protective of your children. It is not always the wise option as can be seen from your unfortunate experience.

And yes my wife is truly happy. She is loved very much and in addition has all the material goods that she could ever want.

# 42

Posted: 06/11/2001 12:21

How open are you to your children though? Do they know that you and your partner "kiss and cuddle" like you and your wife do, and do they understand the full implications of it all? My parents were in a similar situation, and probably still are and I'm too naive to believe their lies, but when I found a rather disturbing porn book 2 years ago (I was 17 then) encouraging a male incestuous fantasy, I ran straight to my mother who broke down and told me who exactly certain family friends really were. Not to dwell on my own problems, but I think parents have the responsibility of taking charge of their sexuality and the potential affects it has on their children. Are you sure your wife is truly happy and content with your lifestyle? I know my Mum hid her hurt through an air of "normality" and look where it got her. Then there's your children ... and who's to even begin to suspect what they may and will think in the future? I'm not condemning you at all - I just think you should for one moment see my point of view from that of a daughter's stance and continue about your fatherhood. Enjoy it while you have it.

# 41

Posted: 02/11/2001 17:23

My wife and partner are great mates. I've been married for 8 years and with my partner for 6. We all get on great and even our two children love him. He is an honoury Uncle as far as they are concerned.

# 40

Posted: 01/11/2001 19:36

I was rocked to the core to discover my husband had been involved with a friend of ours. I am married 25 years and after much discussion I still dont understand but we are very close now and it has made me reevaluate our whole lives.BELIEVE me it can happen and can be very well hidden . I have noadvice except talk , ask questions and be prepared for answers and even more unanswered questions left up in the air. Not all bisexual men or gay men appear effeminate of have the recognised telltale symptoms. The decision on how life goes on is up to the two people concerned and that is all you should consider, not the preachers be they liberal or restrictive conservative or the best in the world.

# 39

Posted: 17/10/2001 10:43

I think that is good advice. Perhaps there is a perfectly good explanation for your husband's behaviour. Imagine your relief.
To Dandy-I didn't slur you, I was saying that people should go easy on you and that probably you are just a quick typist. But you must admit that statements like
"I was shocked by the attitude of people,They are on their guard against prevs. all the time." do make you seem a little nutty. What does it even mean?

# 38

Posted: 04/10/2001 18:54

To anonymous 20-9-01. Why not ask him?

# 37

Posted: 20/09/2001 11:50

I am a married women, and my husband works late nights, and I often wonder if he is gay? There are just some things about him, like he is really clingy with a mutual friend we have, and some other things about him don't add up sometimes, I'm just wondering how someone could find out for sure if their husband is up to something? What kind of signs are there? if anyone here has any advice that would be great.

# 36

Posted: 04/09/2001 00:24

The views in this discussion are very interesting. The earliest letters asked for help in understanding, and then the torrent of abuse arrived. This comes from the people who find other's behaviour their business, and need to advise from their huge inexperience and brainwashing. These "problems" are as old as life itself, and will never go away. Persons who need help and understanding will not usually find it in these groups, which are usually dominated by people whose husbands or wives would possibly benefit from a new experience. Perhaps, the biggest danger of secret relationships is the underground nature of them. The underground brings the STDs such as HIV. I would prefer my spouse to be in a careful, open and "clean" relationship, rather than a furtive,secret and dangerous (to me also) affair. The only thing that drives these things underground is the attitude of the partner. If you find it too hard to take, discuss it and split up. If you are truly in love, then you accept the spouse for what she/he is, and do what is compatible with your background and state of evolution. If you are very bitter by nature, you'll just end up writing your intolerances to web discussions, and the spouse will, sensibly, be long gone, free of you at last!

# 35

Posted: 07/08/2001 18:32

Mary-Kate,how dare you castigate my integrity,Because I made a mistake in my typing does not mean I am mentaly ill.How dare you.I am a very healthy male,and my wife and I are very happy.I forgive you your cheek.I would NEVER make a suggestion like that to anyone.I pray for my enemies no matter what they are.I was on holiday recently and I was shocked by the attitude of people,They are on their guard against prevs. all the time.As a man I feel very very belittled by all this carry on. I remain an obedient Dandy.

# 34

Posted: 05/08/2001 23:15

I would prefer a husband that has a man. than a cheating man that has another woman...

# 33

Posted: 03/08/2001 19:48

I agree totally with MaryKate . Live and let live and get on with your own lives.

# 32

Posted: 31/07/2001 17:39

I think it is clear the Dandy either types very quickly and leaves out words or else is mentally ill. However he does seem benign so I wouldn't be too concerned.

Why do people get exercised about other people's sexual activities? As long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses what harm can it possibly do to third parties? Every-one draws the line in a different place and it is important to act according to one's own conscience but also to allow other people to do the same, surely.

# 31

Posted: 29/07/2001 18:37

The messages of THE DANDY as he (iassume) calls himself do not make sense.I have reread them and they still dont

# 30

Posted: 25/07/2001 20:42

The Dandy here.I have been called horrible names by these so called liberals. Do they not know what is right and wrong. please can someone wiser than me tell them that homosexual acts are wrong? I am very very with my darling wife and have NO intention OR need for suicide.I pray many times a day.I must include people who engage in acts I disagree with in my pleadings to God.I wish them no evil as they wished me. There's a DIFFERENCE.Do they not understand this love. I remain a loving Dandy.

# 29

Posted: 19/07/2001 21:55

If only life were so simple! Wouldn't we miss the DANDY , the rest of us would have nothing to measure up to and besides I feel sure he would walk on water so no point in jumping into the Liffey.

# 28

Posted: 17/07/2001 18:52

To all the so-called Bisexual men, Grow up and come out of the closet!To the Dandy I say this: THROW YOURSELF IN THE LIFFEY. How do you live with yourself

# 27

Posted: 06/07/2001 23:37

I would like to hear from the first lady to open this discussion and to ask if there have been any more developments or how she feels now?

# 26

Posted: 03/07/2001 22:09

I know a wife who recently discovered her husband has had relations with a man known to both of them, two very unlikely suspects! Dont be complacent or judgemental it could happen to you and what you imagine your reaction to be may not pan out that way when it actually becomes your problem.

# 25

Posted: 02/07/2001 22:17

I feel there are quite a number of wives out there in a similar position as the original contributor to this discussion. No matter how close two people, are a certain part of each remains secret. This is a truth not palatable to everyone. Sexual experimentation continues throughout life and some of which a person may not be particularly proud of. Be honest we each have the potential to be involved in a homosexual relationship given the right circumstances and perhaps the guarantee of not being found out in some cases. I await the onslaught!

# 24

Posted: 01/07/2001 10:00

Rather than all this "cheating" why don't the people involved not do this in FRONT of their partners . After all there is a big swing scene here in Ireland.
I'm sure there are a lot of bisexual couples out there.

# 23

Posted: 30/06/2001 20:58

In fairness to the bisexual married lady Mary I don't believe she did say she was totally fufilled by her husband which is why she is having relations with other women. She said she loves her husband and what she is doing is with his permission. My problem with the whole bisexual situation is the view a friend expressed to me some time back, she didn't consider she was cheating on her boyfriend if it was with another woman and many men feel the same thing. My own view is that of course it's cheating if you are unfaithful to your partner be it with male, female, etc.

# 22

Posted: 30/06/2001 15:04

Mary, are you one of these people who believe having cyber sex with a person across the other side of the world (who you may never meet) is being " unfaithful" too . what consenting adults do within the privacy of closed doors is totally up to themselves ...... oh how you would just love to know what goes on inside my house ...... it would keep you typing for days ! good luck to the people who know what they want and how to enjoy a fulfilling sexual relationship no matter what narrow minded people think !

# 21

Posted: 28/06/2001 14:31

Well, I reserve the right to reply again.
It may suit you to think that because I criticize your behaviour that I am a homophobic, sad, bitter person. I'm not. I am very happy to see other people live their lives whatever way they want - gay, straight, bi-sexual. Whatever. Thats up to them.
However, I do criticize people who preach to the world that they have some kind of fantastic marriage and are totally satisfied with their partners.
You are obviously not totally satisfied by your husband or else you would not have a roving eye, and how on earth could a husband be satisfied with his wife knowing that she lusts after other people and actually has sex with them. Marraiges are about love and devotion and they are supposed to be about two people with 100% commitment to each other.
If you had a happy marraige then you would not need to sleep with anyone else, and in fact should be appalled at the idea of it.
You are here encouraging people to put up with dysfunctional marraiges. No they shouldn't, people should expect 100% commitment and 100% fidelity - isin't that what marraige is supposed to be about in the first place? Its not supposed to be some cosy arrangement that suits one of the partners a lot more that the other.
If your husband is some AMAZINGLY generous person who has absolutely no problem whatsoever in sharing his wife around, then good for you - you're a lucky woman to have landed a walkover like him, but don't assume that the wives on here should be so, you would say kindhearted, unselfish, generous, I would say FOOLISH, to put up with this behaviour from men that are supposed to be their partners.
If you can't live up to the vows of marraige then why marry in the first place? I'm living with my partner but I have no intentions to commiting myself to a vow like that . But if I decide that I will, then NO WAY would I ever consider being anything other than devoted and faithful to him alone, and I would never be so selfish as to go off with other people just to satisfy some sexual craving. And I would expect the same of him, otherwise he is not worthy to be called my husband.
I don't care if you are bisexual, you are coming on her encouraging people to put up with infidelity from their partners. Its not on.

# 20

Posted: 27/06/2001 22:20

To Mary,

I only gave my side of the story, another viewpoint, as it were. I would love to be as perfect as you, not to have to live in the real world, where people are human. You have passed judgement on me and my marriage, without knowing either of the people involved. If I thought my arrangement with my husband was causing pain to either of us, I would not excercise the freedom I have been so generously given. I know that if he wishes to have another partner, that the same rules would apply, I would have to know first.

I love your idea that because I am not 100% hetrosexual, that I am a defective wife, that I am somehow failing the husband who knows and loves me as I am. There is nothing a totally straight woman could give him that I can't. You reckon a totally straight woman could give him more love and devotion and satisfaction? It just goes to show that you regard non-hetrosexuals as 'not real people', that we are substandard or perverted in some way. I am a woman, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, and occaisionally a girlfriend. That is me, a person, whole and complete, and happy with myself and my sexuality, and my marriage, thank you very much.

In our home there is love and understanding, I would much rather be here than wherever your uptight and vitriolic attitude lives.

I wish you peace, and happiness, and hope you someday know the comfort of being totally happy with who you are, whoever that may be. I will not respond again, as I am not out for a public slanging match, I just wished to give a little insight as to how some marriages live with and accomodate differences.

# 19

Posted: 27/06/2001 16:21

As someone who did not grow up in the Republic of Ireland, I think that the long tradition of catholicism and repression has contributed a lot to this phenomenon. Irish gays until recently did not feel that they could come out without being branded sick and perverted by genuinely disturbed people like the Dandy. So they conformed, they married and they lived a lie, being unfair to themselves and to their wives. now that this country is finally dragging itself into the modern world, many of these men are gaining the courage to acknowledge their true leanings. I think it's just sad how many people are going to be hurt as a consequence.

# 18

Posted: 27/06/2001 14:01

To the last bisexual poster:
I wonder if you would be so understanding of your husband if he went and had an affair with another woman. You say he cannot fully satisfy your needs. Well, by not having a straight wife, it's quite possible that all his needs aren't satisfied either, how could you give him the love, devotion and satisfaction of a straight wife? You made a decision to marry this man and I think you should live up to your commitment and not even consider having affairs with other people. He may say it's alright, just to keep you happy, but I'd bet it's breaking his heart that he alone is not enough to keep you happy.
It seems to me that you are a very selfish person.
I don't care if you're bisexual, if you're with one person then you should be fully devoted to them.
If you have an open relationship then that's fair enough, but it's totally unfair that only you have the right to stray, not him.
Would you be jealous if he had an affair with another woman? In order to FULLY satisfy him?

Don't say theres a difference, because there isn't . None of us can shut our feelings off and not be attracted to other people, but if we marry someone then we commit ourselves to be faithful to that person. If you can't do that, then you shouldn't be married.

# 17

Posted: 27/06/2001 11:55

A comment from the other side, so to speak.

I am a married bisexual woman. As far as I am concerned, yes there is such a thing as bisexual. I love my husband dearly, and he knows of my sexual orientation since before we were married. I have his consent to have a relationship with another woman, once he knows about it in advance. He acknowledges that there is a side of me that he cannot satisfy, purely because he is male. It is an honest and frank relationship, and it works for us.

To the woman who found pictures of naked men in the wardrobe, I would ask him, if you are ready to hear what the answer might be. If you are not ready, don't ask.

I would not feel that the pictures "guarantee" that he is sexually active with other men, as another contributer put it. A lot of people know what they like, or know what they think they might like, but that doesn't mean they ever get the courage to go and find it. Maybe he just likes to look, but not touch. If you don't ask, you might never know, but that may be just as well.

To the man with the high sex drive who has had gay sex behind his wifes back, I hope you are very careful about safe sex. The last thing you want to bring home is something contagious and/or fatal. Aids is out there, so is hepatitis, and syphilis is experiencing a major upsurge in the gay male irish population at the moment. Get yourself checked, and come out to your wife. It's only fair.

# 16

Posted: 26/06/2001 14:48

I think the original person needs to ask her partner about this. I do believe that all individuals and then couples have to decide what works for them-maybe your maarriage can encompass your husband's ambiguity- but deceit in a relationship is going to corrode it. I finished with some-one I loved and was compatible with because he was open about his leanings in that direction and past experiences but he has gone on to have a long, loving , faithful and sexually satisfying relationship with another woman. I think I was threatened more than I needed to be. It is my belief that a lot of men who are secure in their heterosexuality are curious about gay sex. I don't know if bisexuality is a myth but I would be VERY suspicious of someone who says it was just messing that got out of hand if it has happened more than once or twice!
Can I also say to Mr High Sex Drive, you say you chose a man so that feelings wouldn't be involved but refer to your "arrangement" as a relationship later-revealing isn't it? You sound like you are really kidding yourself and your actions are not the actions of a loving man.

# 15

Posted: 22/06/2001 19:21

Since the decriminalisation of homosexuality, it appears to me that gay men (and women) are in abundance in Ireland and are very much 'in your face' - gay pride and all that. Dublin is now known to be the mecca and the gay capital of Europe. Pink Power rules! O.K.Maybe this is due to the liberation of a marginalised group that seem to celebrate ad nauseum.
Live and let live. However, in the case of married men, I agree that they are cowards who knew full well what they were doing when they married.I would appeal to gay men who are considering marrying an innocent woman not to attempt it. The tragedy and heartbreak it brings to wife and children is inexplicable. The man who says that he really loves his wife and would not want to lose her is a complete fraud. He loves himself and has betrayed his life partner in the worst possible manner.

# 14

Posted: 22/06/2001 18:09

We should all show our disgust with the Pers. They have distroyed the World.They made many ignorant people lose there Religion.Only the more enlightened understood what was happening.
The Dandy.

# 13

Posted: 22/06/2001 10:15

To the man that slept with another man behind his wife's back:

You don't bloody deserve your wife, she's too good for you.

I hope she finds you out and dumps you and publically humiliates you letting all your so-called 'friends' know that you're gay.

You're a coward and a deceiver. How can you live with yourself?

And can you imagine how disgusted your wife would be if she knew that she was having sex with you and you'd had anal sex with another man..... you selfish individual, I hope you get taught a lesson for your disgusting deceitful behavior.

If you want to have a man, then be a bloody man yourself and be honest. You can't have your cake and eat it.

Men like you are just cowards.

If you're gay, be gay. If you're bisexual, then for God's sake, get consent from your wife before having other partners.

If you were my husband I would tell EVERYONE about you.

# 12

Posted: 21/06/2001 23:28

Why would a blue movie encourage a male to have sex with other males? This would only make sense if he were homosexual. Married homosexual men engage in deceit after deceit in order to conceal their true sexual orientation. They believe in damage limitation and therefore pretend that something happened with another man "just once" or we were" only messing".Usually, the only time that any confessions are made is when the female partner makes a discovery and confronts the man.

# 11

Posted: 21/06/2001 17:13

For any normal man, sex with anyone except a women is disgusting. For me -I would see sex with even another woman as sick.This is the norm,the perverts would have us believe all sex is good. Balderdash. The Dandy.

# 10

Posted: 21/06/2001 12:25

what about the man who says it was just messing that got out of hand but happened more than once? Do lots of men feel this way when watching blue movies?

# 9

Posted: 20/06/2001 15:05

Any man who claims to have sexual encounters with other males just because 'women are too complicated' is talking rubbish. I can guarantee that the husband who left the naked pictures of men at the back of the wardrobe is sexually active with men. It's so easy to access anonymous gay sex in Ireland now.