Living with an alcoholic parent

# 58

Posted: 27/05/2009 00:50

hi all,

my last post wasnt displayed as it was too long so i did another one and it was rejected. i think maybe for legal reasons. after a week of crying and wrangling with my dilemma,i will contest access that allows him, to take kids out in the car. my kids will have to express their not wanting to go with their father and the psycologist who i hope will take heed of their wish. i met the psych a few days ago and he said that there is no issue of alcohol in his opinion. this is totally frustrating for me as it totally undermines my experiences and my childrens with alcoholism. i know the truth, i keep telling myself this. no judge or psych can read minds, i have no evidence on paper only stuff that happened 2 years ago which in the judges opinion is long time ago. not for us its not. he still defends his behaviour which tells me , he is still capable of doing damage.kids meet dad on friday for first time in one year. my emotions are all over the place. deep down id love things to be right . but they never have been. im very protective of my kids but this situation is affecting them no matter what i do to protect them. i suppose i need to let them experience what will be but as a mum , i dont want my kids to hurt like ive been hurt by him. i just need to make sure they are safe. its hard . im trying to keep whats left of the family together and yet he is capable of tearing us apart.

# 57

Posted: 15/05/2009 14:07

Hi Vonnie is there any way that you can appeal this? Or maybe change solicitor? I have a dear friend who was in the same situation not long ago (except her partner is mentally ill as opposed to having an alcohol problem) She is finally shot of him after over a year of being dragged through the courts. If he has a drink problem then this should be looked at seriously and taken into consideration.

# 56

Posted: 15/05/2009 12:29

Hi Vonnie,

Lies, Lies, Lies & damned Lies.

Legally, you are going to have to have to get some independent legal representatives on side I'm afraid.  You now know what you are dealing with & what depths these alcoholics will steep too....

You have to concentrate on getting the correct support.  Alcoholics are sneaky in their ways & rather than trying to second guess them, get proper representation that will approach your case with an open mind & under no influence & with impartiality.  Do you know who you can approach? 

Readers, please help Vonnie here if you can help provide lists.

# 55

Posted: 15/05/2009 06:12

hi all, and thanks for your comments

was in court on tuesday. my partner, who is alcoholic, applied for access and guardianship through the courts. he turns up with solicitor and barrister.we were handed a report from his addiction counsellor which was devestating for me. on the report it said in his professional opinion, he was offf the drink and was making huge efforts to stay right. he also quoted me on the report as saying that "my children never saw my partner drunk" . im devestated as he was also my counsellor. we attended as a couple first, but the relationship broke down. then we attended individually. i feel like he has sided with my partner and used damning statement to undermine my concerns. also, there was a psycologist appointed to do a family report, but that broke down. my partner didnt want to take part anymore. nevertheless he did a report for court even though he met the kids once and it was only for 15 mins. on his report he said in his opinion , access should be resumed immediatly. this again was devestating for me as i know that my partner is still drinking. i hired a private detective to get some evidence for court as the psycologist suggested this, but he could not trace him.so now access is to resume shortly, supervised for the next 4 weeks under the psycologist, who seems to have completely ignored all of my concerns,and we will be back in court next month as my partner wants access where he can bring kids off for the day by himself. my partner lied under oath ,i really cant bear him. he portrayed me as unreasonable,overprotective,unfair,liar.i never want to speak to him again..i give up at this stage. my kids are 11 and 10 and i have had to tell them to voice their concerns when they meet thier father for the first time in a year.god helpthem. i cant do no more. my solicitor has said if i challenge the report, i will be seen as trying to interfere with the process.it could be more damaging for me. i am fit to explode, i feel so helpless. my partner has told me he was back on the drink and yet under oath he said he was off it for the last year and a half.he deliberately got this report from addiction report from counsellor as a bypass to prove he does not drink any more to avoid going in for proper treatment to a clinic. he saw the counsellor for 2 hours a week and e gave him a report. what about all the other hours in the week. the report worked. but what a sham. i saw him myself drinking over the xmas.and it maddens me he has hoodwinked the counsellor, psycologist and the judge. but he hasnt fooled me.

# 54

Posted: 12/05/2009 10:15

Hi Johnboy,

Thanks for your reply. I'm trying to find the courage to approach my aunts and my grandparents but its so hard. My lil sis was left on her own because my mam went up to him last night and she'd no dinner and my friend/mams neighbour copped her sitting outside on her own crying. I went and got her and she stayed with me and was happy enough, but it's not good enough. My mam had murder with her boyfriend (if you could call him that) and smashed plates around his house he ended up having to get over fourteen stitches and she's cuts on her arms. I'm at my wits end with it all.

# 53

Posted: 07/05/2009 15:28

Hi again Everyone,

Well, I've just read through all the posts again & the one thing that I have learnt is that the people affected by Alcoholic's are not the Alcoholic's themselves, but people like us!  Do they, the alcoholics, really not know how selfish they are?

I'm certainly not sitting here typing this with a Halo above my head, but God, what I, & obviously the rest of us have experienced & learned, certainly made me say to myself that I don't want to be like that.

Vonnie, Hi.  Suggestions you ask?  Try, Try to channel your thoughts in a way that when that useless excuse of a man, that man you once knew, does pop back into your life & see the kids, try & try to be strong enough not to show & feel emotion, try & let what happens, at that precise time, wander over your head & your focus remain on you.  You will be surprised how mentally strong you become having to go through such experiences.  From a legal perspective, that you mention, is there Character witness (s) you can get, notes from your GP, that you can pass onto your solicitor, to make things easier from an access point of view when the court date does arrive?  It is easier for me, do not forget, it is not my partner that I have had concerns with.  But having read your last note, twice, this is my reply.  You’re not the losers, as you call it Vonnie, you’re just caught up in something that is quite horrible.  Please do not let it effect the way you live.  Moving countries?  Yes, this is an option.  Why not counties instead?  God, we all need people to Trust in these trying times.  I hope you do have that Trust, especially in yourself.  Please stay in contact on here.  I know I find it helpful.  Be strong Vonnie please.

Sleep, Hi.  Touché on that one.  My little sister used to ask me for money, a lot.  I always gave her £20 at the time, glad in the knowledge that I could help my little sister out.  Little did I know I was feeding her habit?  The last few times I visited her, I had to carry all my cash & cards with me, knowing they were not safe with my sister around.  My older sister tells me now, that when my younger alcoholic & crack addict sister visited her, my older sister's husband goes around & checks the house once she has left because all sorts of things have gone missing previously.  She starts drinking the moment she gets up.  Has helped my Mother drink all her money.

Everyone.  Do you know what?  I actually do not like my Sister.  It is only in blood that I ever acknowledged her.  I explained this to my older sister, who was startled once I said it, but now knows where I am coming from & is in agreement with me.  I think this must be some sort of acceptance process of the mind?  Once everything is fully digested, it starts making sense & you can make decisions more clearly.  Is that what being mentally strong is?

I don't know.  All I can go on is what I have experienced.  God knows I wish I hadn't.  That was why, I came back on here & shared my feelings saying Sod them!  They can go & drink themselves to death for all I care.

So, I will sign off now.  Vonnie, Sleepy, Buzz, stay in contact on here please, we will find wise words amongst us as I've appreciated you sharing your experiences & if anything what I have also learnt, is that we are not alone.

Take Care,

 

John

 

# 52

Posted: 07/05/2009 12:03

JohnBoy I think maybe it is because when one has had to deal with alcholism or drug addiction in someone they care about, they become more reasonable, although that may not always be a good thing! I remeber my Mum telling me that if she saw my Dad drinking too much on holidays she would give him "the look" and he would know to stop (he is not an alcoholic but would enjoy a few on holidays) and I would be amazed, thinking "God if I told my partner or even HINTED that I was unhappy with the amount of alcohol being consumed I would want to have the door open" - then I think sure isnt that what they do? They convince themselves that this is acceptable behaviour, but they jump on the defensive so quickly that deep down they MUST know that they are tearing others apart with their actions. They try to accuse those who interfere of over reacting and can make us feel like nags or killjoys or controlling but really that is intended to deflect attention away from what they are doing.

Kind regards

# 51

Posted: 07/05/2009 11:57

Vonnie it sounds like you are defintiely the "rock" in your childrens lives, and when they are grown they will fully comprehend and appreciate what you do for them. Children need stability and there is no point in them having a fly-by Father who cannot be relied upon. Often times with separation etc children can romanticise about the missing parent, and it is all too tempting for them to punish the disciplinarian by lashing out and saying that they want the other parent. I have seen it happen with a friend. The Father comes by once a week and takes the kids out. Grand gestures and Happy Meals, computer games etc and so the kids think this is great. Bless them they are too young to realise how much they are being "bought". It is the parent who is there behind them all the time, who maybe sends them to bed early on a schoolnight, makes them eat veg, gives them nasty tasting medicine or teaches them right form wrong - those are the REAL tasks of parenthood. Sorry I may be veering off topic here. If there is one thing that addicts have in common it is their false promises. They will promise you the sun, moon and stars when they are sober or clean, but I think they have to show a committment to recovery for a long time before we can give them a chance again. I used to be quite weak (and in some ways still am) and say to myself , "right if it happens again you're GONE" and then it would happen again and I would say "ok just ONCE more, and next time I WILL leave". It's amazing how many last chances you can find yourself doling out to those who are completely undeserving of them.

# 50

Posted: 07/05/2009 09:55

johnboy, absolutely walk away from your mum and sister. what your sister did was totally unacceptable and put your child at risk . sadly your sister seems to have followed in your mothers footsteps. you on the other hand have stayed strong and made very wise decisions along the way and good for you.im sure if either of them genuinely asked you to be part of their life again sober and fully taking accountability for their actions , yoiu would gladly consider having some sort of relationship with them.you are lucky you can walk away. i have 2 children and their father is an alcoholic. we are seperated for 5 years now and no matter what i do , i cannot break free.i thought seperating would help and it has, i dont have to look at it on a day to day basis. but it is still affecting me and the kids, when he doesnt show up or when he goes missing for a few weeks at a time. i dont bother ringing as i know what is the reason for his absense. its so difficult when he comes off his binge and comes knocking on my door wanting to see his kids and i knowing what i do. my standard of parenting and his are so far apart. i took a stand against him xmas 2007 as he went on a major bender and turned up on my doorstep xmas eve pissed. my kids standing beside me saw him in this state.he stayed about 5 mins and left us upset . he hasnt seen his kids all year partly because he was on a binge until feb 2008 and partly because i cant bear to have him  around the kids. he hurt me beyond words and continues to do so. i hate the fact that he is now doing it to our children also. it breaks my heart into a thousand pieces.i am up in court next week contesting his wishes to resume access with his kids after a year off. all i want is for him to be held accountable if and when he does this again. the kids dont want to see him and i have to put this forward. i wish i could walk away from the situation as it is making me ill. but that would mean walking away from my kids and that is something that i would never do.this  has put a strain om the relationship i have with my kids and his family and my own. basically we dont have one.no matter what i seem to do, we seem to come out the losers.i have considered moving countries but my kids are young and at school. we have moved alot down through the years but that would be a huge step. i dont think it would be the best step for them and i would be always looking over my shoulder. but looking to the future, i cant bear going through year after year, day after day, with this dark cloud hanging over us.any suggestions would be appreciated

# 49

Posted: 07/05/2009 07:36

Hey Johnboy,

I know exactly what you're going through I only really stay in contact with my mam because i'm worried about my little sister and I boy do I worry, it's a good thing that you've accepted that you can't change them, it will give you the peace and freedom you deserve to move forward with your own life, (if you're anything like me you find it hard to think of yourself first) i'd be lying if I said I was at that stage, my mam is very convincing and manipulating woman and each time she promises the sun moon and stars there's this tiny part of me that believes her, though I know it will be back to square one in a few days.

She'd calmed down for a while but over the last couple of years she's started seeing this scumbag, whos just dragged her down big time, though she is a fully grown woman and makes her own decisions. He's damaged my car because I told my mam stuff i'd heard he was saying about her, damaged my partners car.

He's stolen my brothers holiday money and i'd have to fork up money to help out.

My brother hates him( as do I) and told him he was going to punch his head in a few weeks ago, my mam was up in his flat and took out a knife and said right i'm going to stab him and headed out the door, mam didnt' say anything until a couple of weeks later and she was crying because he'd been caught by the guards and was in court for carrying a knife (supposedely). But after this she still continues to go up there, she never has money because she spends it all up there on booze. The gas thing is if you mention it to her about some of the things he's done she'll say ah no he didn't do that.

She'll often call up there and point blankly refuse to come home i'll ring her and ring her and she'll just switch off her phone, then when I ring his phone she'll sit there and listen as he roars abuse at me and tells me he's going to phone the guards if I don't stop ringing him.

I have to mind my sister when this happens(not that I mind I love her to bits and would do anything for her) and have been late to work because of it, sometimes I start work at 7am. The next day if you confront her about it you'll be told to f*** off or stop giving out to me.

The worst part is my sister is stuck in the middle of this, she's been brought up to his flat where junkies and all sorts hang out she seen my mam being beat up a couple of weeks ago by two girls that go in there.

My brother was brought in to hospital a few weeks ago for severe anxiety that's how much this affecting him.

I need to do something for my little sisters sake if I knew she was safe I wouldn't be worrying the whole time, i'd cut all ties with my mam she'll realise when she's lost everyone she'll have to do something if not well at least my sis will be okay

# 48

Posted: 06/05/2009 17:27

Buzz,

Again, Thank you for your response.  You have no need to apologise.  God, why do we need to feel we have to apologise when we are on the other end & 'we' are the ones that are actually taking time out to try & resolve & asking for peoples opinions on someone 'else's' issues yet do not have the common decency to do it for themselves?  We will all live & learn.

Very well said, if you don't mind me saying so, Re: blood is just a technicality.  I always thought that I HAD to do something, it was the norm, because it was my Mother & Sister.  Well, I've decided that I don't have to anymore & that I have had enough.

For those of you who read this & subscribe to this topic, please, can I encourage you to share your feelings on here as I have found this topic 'One BIG empty hole' & I have also found out the hard way.

What I have also found out is that it is very, very soothing, exchanging notes on this subject & being able to put in ink, my feelings, for my own Mother, yes my own Mother, & sister & understanding this very, very difficult situation.

God Bless You All.

Thanks again Buzz.

# 47

Posted: 06/05/2009 16:47

Johnboy you speak so much sense. You are a grown man and are under NO obligation to your mum and sister. At times family is great,and I couldnt be without mine, but then I am lucky that they are special and kind but I understand that not everyone has this, and it is wrong to tell someone that they owe someone ANYTHING just because they are related. It sounds like you have found something really special with your wife, and you have been blessed with a little child, you do not need your mother and sister, blood is just a technicality. If family are deserving of our love then thats great, but if not, then you stand to lose nothing by walking away. You sound like a happily married family man so dont let your mum and sister drag you down. Harsh as it sounds, addictions are selfish and rarely does the addict think about anyones needs but their own.

Apologies if this comes across too strong but I have had bad experiences in the past with an addict and I know how emotionally and physically draining they can be.

# 46

Posted: 06/05/2009 15:42

# 45

Posted: 06/05/2009 13:54

# 44

Posted: 06/05/2009 11:51

Johnboy seems like you are well shot of them. I dont blame you for feeling this way. Although addictions are medical conditions, I believe that people CAN get better if they really want to, there are so many things out there like support groups, therapists, replacement ideas etc etc that ther is NO excuse not to kick the habit. Nearly exposing your child to her drug use would for most be the last straw and you were right to do what you did.

# 43

Posted: 06/05/2009 07:35

Hey Johnboy,

I know exactly how you're feeling and it's horrible, you say they can sod themselves and they can fend for themselves and good on ye this is the attitude you need to have, these ppl have to hit rock bottom before they'll try and get back up.

I reckon though underneath it all your hurting very badly and saying they can drink themselves to death is your anger coming out and that really there's still part of you hoping they'll get better, it's a vicious cycle really isn't it.

# 42

Posted: 05/05/2009 13:31

# 41

Posted: 05/05/2009 09:16

Hi Crazylady,

I too have a mother who's an alcoholic. I'm 23 and just like you have a younger sister who's stuck right smack bang in the middle of it all. I live a few miles away aswell and as you probably know you spend most of the time worrying about your lil sis wondering is she okay is your mam drunk etc, it's exhausting. I've a younger brother who is also gone off the rails because of it all.

You know all as well as I do there's no easy answers to this, there's no helping these people unless they want help. It's very easy for people to come on here(no disrespect or offence intented) and say your little sister needs to be removed from the situation, which is ultimately what needs to be done(in my situation anyways), but it's extremely hard to make that move to getting that done especially as no matter what underneath it all she is your mam.

I'm sure you know aswell all to familiar their lies and manipulation and their promises to turn over a new leaf and everytime you almost believe there's a glimmer of hope.

Chin up and just know that you're not the only one going throught this xxx

# 40

Posted: 27/04/2009 12:51

Have a look at www.alcoholresponse.com  I recently got a lot of information there to help my situtation. It was very beneficial. D

# 39

Posted: 27/01/2009 23:04

patricia

you are right. this enviorment is so toxic that they really need to keep their distance from their parents. its hard as you would naturally worry but they are being affected by their parents alcoholism and they need to break the cycle. they could become so enmeshed in this situation that they too could lose hope, give up and turn to alcohol or drugs. there is no easy solution. that is why they need to step away if the parents are not prepared to get help.

# 38

Posted: 27/01/2009 22:50

hello all

johnboy, you were so fortunate that your mother accepted help. hope she is doing well. great to hear some people do get help eventually. it sounds to me that crazyladys parents are out of control completely and there is a young girl here, living in the same house, dealing with this insanity. crazylady get your sister out if you can. what age is she? how is she coping? she is dragged into this situation whether she likes it or not. your parents are unable to care for her going by what you say. she needs to be in a safe place at the least. this enviorment will screw her head up, it must be so lonely and terrifying. maybe a relative could take her in, anything, then confront your parents. take pictures of them when they are drunk or video them and show it to them when they are sober. they need a major wake up call.

# 37

Posted: 27/01/2009 15:38

These are the practical measures set out in the article:

This is of course a pretty "perfect" sort of scenario, where the alcoholic might just decide to cooperate. But the alcoholic is plausible, manipulative and can read you like a book, and even though you love the person, it is well to keep that in mind.

""To help in the planning process, I am including a version of the Intervention Checklist from the appendix of our book, "Love First." You will find it useful in keeping track of details during the planning process.

Not every item on this list has been in these articles.

# 36

Posted: 27/01/2009 15:31

I found this and maybe it will be helpful.

http://www.lovefirst.net/xarticles/article2.htm

An extract:

Enabling can also take a toll on the family members themselves. Ironically, their attempts to control the situation may impact them physically and emotionally. Some of these negative consequences are discussed in our book, Love First: A New Approach to Intervention for Alcoholism and Drug Addiction:

"Loved ones who enable the alcoholic are at high risk for both physical and mental illnesses. Their stress may cause diseases in the family similar to those the alcoholic experiences.

"According to Dr. Max Schneider, an internist specializing in families of alcoholics, the people around the alcoholic suffer from higher incidences of gastritis, stroke, heart disease, insomnia, respiratory problems, anxiety, and depression. Dr. Schneider warns that the risk of accidents, homicide, and suicide are much higher among families living with active addiction.

# 35

Posted: 27/01/2009 13:46

Hello Johnboy:

I can understand the reluctance of your doctor and the P.P. to want to "talk" to your mother. Sorry, John, but no one except the alcoholic him/herself can decide that they must do something to address their problem. I can also understand your wanting to do something about getting your mother to address her problem.

As you say yourself, your mother holds these two men in high esteem, and therefore she will, of course, go to the detox because they have said she should, and she wants their approval.

There is invariably a psychological problem underlying the alcoholism. So it is not a question of drying out the person, but of having that root cause laid wide open, and it can be a painful process for the patient, who of course wants to side-step facing such issues.

I know personally of families where a member (mother in some cases) was alcoholic, and the pattern is the same. The family "persuaded" the alcoholic, or worse still, marched the alcoholic to a facility (or to a psychiatric facility), and two days later the alcoholic had simply discharged herself. Also, sadly, alcoholics, and persons with similar disorders, become wily and manipulative. They will tell you what you want to hear.

Until the alcoholic gets out of denial and recognises the problem him or herself, the situation is going nowhere. You can ask any therapist or professional and they will tell you the same.

I just wish there was an easy way to address this all too prevalent problem.

All the best

P.

# 34

Posted: 27/01/2009 09:53

Hi crazy lady.

In the end, in my situation, we called in the local Doctor & Parish Priest. The reason we called these 2 good people in, was to try & 'shock' our Mother into showing her exactly what she was doing to us & herself.

My mother held both our local Doctor, & Priest, in very high esteem. Both were reluctant at first but in the end, they both agreed that the next time a serious situation occurred, to call them. We did, & they arrived. Outlined the situation to her & helped her see sense. We finally got our Mother to agree to going into detox & to realise the situation she was in & the damage she was doing. Your mother is lonely & vulnerable & is not in control. You will have to take that control. Please do not lose faith. Be strong & pray too.

Keep me posted please.

Johnboy257

# 33

Posted: 26/01/2009 22:07

hi crazylady,you really need help.this is so difficult for you to be dealing with on your own.you and all your brothers and sisters need to stick together. alcoholism will make you turn on each other through divided loyalties. you and your siblings have a chance to have love and care in your life through each other and you can turn to each other for support, after all, you are all going through this nightmare together. stick together and let your parents drink and do what they do. they will bring you down with them. watching them will tear you up but you have to be strong and put your care and attention into your relationship with your brother and sister. be united and you will be stronger. god bless you all

# 32

Posted: 25/01/2009 19:33

Hi All,

For the first 17 years of my life my father was a violent abusive piss head. every thing in my house revolved around my parents social life. my mother loved to go out as much as him, i dont know why because they just killed each other when they got home. And of course the next day we didnt talk about it. to be honest all the violence and abuse stopped after my little sister was born (she's 9 now), that was until my father was caught in bed with another women by my 16 year old brother 4 years ago. since then my families life has been a mess. of course my mother took him back but has turned into a violent, sneaky hopeless alcoholic. she wont look for help. she drinks every night but at least once a week she goes crazy at home, trashes the house, drinks herself stupid where she is literally walking around with mybe a knickers on, crossed eyed and screaming. she is violent and aggressive. my father has to leave the house or she physically attacks him. he sometimes hides in the shed all night! the worst thing is i have a little sister stuck in the middle of all this. i dont know what to do. im 26 now and living with my partner 5 miles away. When my sister rings me, i take her out of the house. but that isnt the answer. Also since my brother caught my father he has gotten into real trouble with the police and is facing jail in march. like my mam in order to deal with the affair and her drinking my brother used to get drunk and get into arguments down town. i need some advice. please help me.....

# 31

Posted: 23/01/2009 12:43

Hello Ray,

I understand fully what you are saying about your mother. All your thinking is focused on your mother. I understand about the mood swings, the lying the memory loss and the vomiting. This indeed is the behaviour of an alcoholic and the fact that she says there is nothing wrong with her is also part of the disease. It don't make sense I know and it would wreck your head. Why can't they see what they are doing to themselves.What to do now? Ray FOCUS ON YOURSELVE. You cant do anything more for your mother at the moment. Do you love her? You must because you took the time to write to here. She is not ready for help yet. I imagine you feel angry, sad, helpless, frustrated, tired the list goes on. Ray at the moment quit trying to change her, leave her be, pull back a little, I am telling you to do this NOT because you should teach her a lesson but to help yourselve. You didn't give your age. For now try to do little nice things for you, be kind to you. There is HELP out there for YOU. Al Anon is a group of people, young, old, wifes, husbands, mothers, daughters, sons, sisters and brothers, each one of these people love someone that is an alcoholic. They help each other to understand this disease, to give support to each other, to listen and find peace in the madness you are in. Let me know how things are. Try to take care of yourselve Ray.

God Bless,

daylight

# 30

Posted: 22/01/2009 17:33

Hello Rae:

I agree fully with what Vonnie says. Nothing you say or do will make any difference to the alcoholic person, and unfortunately, all you are doing is "enabling". This is one time when you must think of yourself, first and foremost. The alcoholic person will NOT do anything to address their problem while the enabler is around. Only when the rug is pulled from under them will they, maybe, seek the professional help they need.

You might also like to look at some of the articles on this site

www.voicelessness.com

All the best

P.

# 29

Posted: 22/01/2009 13:58

hi rae, you dont say what age you are but if you can, move out for your sake. i know it is so very difficult to watch someone you deeply care about and love, destroy themselves with alchol abuse. but you are being destroyed too. nothing you say or do is gonna stop her. the drink is too important. its what gets her up in the morning. it will tear you apart watching this unfold before your eyes. maybe when you leave, it may jolt her into a reaction and tell her why you are going. look after yourself. right now she doesnt want your help. you can always be there if she needs your help from a distance.

# 28

Posted: 20/01/2009 22:35

I live with a alcoholic mother and find it very difficult to tolerate the Jekyl and Hyde type moods when she's drunk which is every evening - constant talking rubbish, not being able to remember points just made etc...but most of all denial and hiding of the wine everywhere - behind couch, cornflake boxes! then when asked if she's been drinking, getting called a liar or this excuse 'i only had a glass', when in fact 2 bottles have been drunk. Next morning everything is 'would u like breakfast?' bla bla like the night before never happened. Recently severe vomiting during the middle of the night has her awake and me! does anyone have any advice? I've tried asking her to get help and she doesnt think she has a problem and is a very manipulative liar with this disease.

# 27

Posted: 09/03/2007 10:31

Thank you so much everyone on this thread for your disarming honesty and paritcularly Blath for some wonderful advice about dysfunction, change, and dealing with others.

I've been getting counselling for a few months and only last night drove my (now elderly) father to tears because I dared to stand up to him, without losing my cool. Shouting back in anger is just as bad as playing the meek victim. He started hitting me with all this stuff about how he gave up drink for us, as though he deserved a medal, when in fact we had a very unhappy childhood and my mother always played the 'victim' role.

Although I'm in my late 30s, it's only now I'm trying to heal my childhood wounds. My point, I guess, is that problems don't stop when an alcoholic turns dry, if they don't know how to deal with their emotions. I always 'tiptoed' around the raging inferno that was my Dad, which ruined my confidence in later life. I admire both him and my uncle, both alcoholics, for giving up the drink but that didn't mean that childhood was easy for my siblings or my cousins. Drink was always the monster in the corner, and my mother was often threatened with a binge. My Uncle recently broke out after 30 years on the dry, and had to be admitted to hospital, which shows that this illness never goes away.

Often, alcohol is not the real problem and, God knows, dysfunction seems to run from generation to generation in this country. For all I know, my father had a much worse childhood than I had. His father, who died before I was born, was a violent alcoholic. It's just so sad that these problems go on and on.

# 26

Posted: 02/03/2007 22:53

Vonnie u so did the right thing by leaving ur marriage. I lived with an alcoholic father for th first 16 years of my life and it was hell living on the edge every day. My mother wasn't allowed to speak to her family for years because he wouldn't let her. She had terribley low self esteem and he used to physically abuse and verbally abuse her and me. She eventually left him and though its being a tough road we've come so far. I'm getting to know the woman that is my mother not the empty shell of existence she was. The rest of my siblings are growing up without fear and the youngest who was born after the split has blossomed. He has had no affects of abuse whatsoever and you can see the difference in him growing up. If you seek counselling or al-anon and al-ateen for your children they will throw you a life line and help you. I wish you the best of luck.

# 25

Posted: 01/03/2007 15:14

I've read all the posts about living with an alcoholic parent and my heart goes out to everyone. In a way it's similar to living with a depressive parent - the mood swings, violence, verbal abuse, walking on eggshells and denial and blind acceptance of abuse from other members of the family.

Dysfunctional people cannot be fixed unless they want to change themselves, and if the people closest to them are tiptoeing around and denying the problem they are only making things worse.

Don't feel responsible for other people's refusal to change and don't let anybody else make you feel responsible or guilty either. Learn to stand on your own feet and set your own boundaries loud and clear before you suggest any solutions.

All you can do is suggest solutions to problems, it is up to the alcoholic or depressive concerned to take your advice or not. If they don't, the consequences are not your responsibility.

# 24

Posted: 27/02/2007 01:14

drinkersdaughter, i am looking at your story from a mothers point of view with an alcoholic husband and two children. while living with an alcoholic with small children, firstly i didnt understand it,i tried to ignore it, i confronted it,i sympathised with it , i tried to help it, i fought it, i i lost respect for it, i feared it,i got to know it, in the end i hated it and hated myself . i chose to get out. i could not carry on living a life like this nor did i want my children to live this or think it was normal. it was a very, very difficult discision to make and took years for me to finally accept that i would never be able to compete with the bottle. i could have stayed in a loveless relationship but i chose not to. children are the ones who always suffer and dont ask to be brought into this heartbreaking situation. i did it for them mostly. if it was 30 or 40 years ago things would have been so diferent. people didnt leave. people endured all sorts of horrific situations and the children had no choice but to live this also. thank god times have changed/ sadly for you , you have had to watch your parents battle on both sides with this selfish disease. i did not come from an alcoholic family myself but it was troubled in other ways through sexual abuse and never dealt with to this day. as a child you try to make sense of what you see and experience and it is only when you are an adult that you can look back and regret or accept your past. i struggle to accept my past and regret that this is what i have been dealt.this is the family i have been born into and brought my kids into.my lack of knowledge and innocence around the disease tricked me into thinking i could help him and we could have a loving family. some people just never give up trying i suppose and neglect the ones who need the most help- the kids. i lived with this for 7 years and i know how traumatic it is. i cannot imagine what it must be like living through my childrens teenage years and them leaving home , finishing school, maybe getting married themselves and having children, and still be dealing with the alcoholic. id like to say that it is admirable but i cannot. i think it is admirable that you are still here today to tell your story and that you are not insane. it nearly destroyed me to the point that i thought of ending it all and i am an adult. i cannot imagine what it must be like for a child. it must be so difficult to watch your parents fighting and hurting each other and for your dad to be so voilent to you and your family. consider that your mother has chosen to stand by your father. others dont. we all have choices. and so do you. i have no sympathy for aalcoholics anymore. i find them extremely selfish and i think that they are aware of the hurt and pain that they cause but they are just too selfish to change.they have choices too . they can chose to stop all the pain. but no. until they hit rock bottom is all we hear. well what about the ones they have set up a life with, who get dragged down to rock bottom and stay there with them, through no choice of their own, who care too much to give up on them and who deserve some respect for that.sometimes getting ill themselves because of this ongoing pain till the alcoholic gets help.sometimes they never do. i think a person can only take so much and you have to chose when that is. give him and your mum a choice to either go and get help or for your mum to leave him. i dont know how it is all affecting you but i can only imagine.try and focus on you and your own life, easier said than done. you deserve a life without this selfishness. get selfish for once. my sympathy lies with you , the children of this madness.

# 23

Posted: 23/02/2007 11:17

Dear Vonnie. Firstly, of course you have done the right thing. Bringing children up in an environment such as what you have described, is certainly not healthy one. Of course, having the children's parents separated is not ideal either if I am to be honest with you, but it is certainly a big improvement for them, & hopefully a more peaceful one for you. You obviously love your children very much to be brave enough to take this step so be proud of yourself for doing so & one day, your children will be as proud of you for doing so. Stay in Touch....J

# 22

Posted: 23/02/2007 06:12

Hello to everyone who is bothering to give support to people who are hurting. There are still good people out there. Since I\'m reading your stories about your childhood experiences I\'m wondering if I have done the right thing in leaving my alcoholic partner. I have two children with him and the reason I left is that after 6 years of trying to deal with him and giving him an ultimatum, he chose the bottle. im concerned for my kids. we fought a lot and I feel that if I stayed it would do more damage. they see him twice a week but don\'t see the alcoholic side of him. they are 9 and 8 . I don\'t let them stay overnight, he visits at our home only, had to go to court to get this ruling. he is too irresponsible and is reckless. Can any children of alcoholics give me some insight into how children view this situation or how it affects them .

# 21

Posted: 15/10/2006 23:14

I've posted this on another IrishHealth.com discussion page on alcoholism but I'm posting again because it's exactly like your stories. Isn't it just amazing how many people are affected by this? Until last week when I discovered this forum I felt really alone, ashamed and helpless. Here's my posting anyway.....My mother is an alcoholic but she's in complete denial. I've done some work with a psychologist and have only just learned at 26 that it's not my fault. All my life up until very recently I was the "fixer" - my mother would climb into bed beside me drunk and tell me all her problems and I, a child, was supposed to fix them. These ranged from her sexual abuse as a teenager, to her poor self image to her inability to make and hold onto friends. She separated from my father when I was 3, I don't know why as I was not ever allowed to have a relationship with him. He lives in the same county as me and I don't know him. I know her story why they split but I can't be sure its the truth, as all her life my mother has portrayed herself as "The Victim". It has got to the stage now where myself and my brother have zero contact with her becuase we will not answer pnone calls we know will be druken verbal abuse . My mother refuses to see that the drinking alcohol has ripped the family apart, because she thinks that because she only drinks in the evening she's not an alcoholic. She does not remember(or at least she lets on that she doesn't remember) why we will not have contact with her (ie the verbal abuse, which would blister paint) and so she can remain "The Victim" of such awful children who just want to hurt her. The facilitator has his own problems and is happy to keep buying the wine because it means he doesn't have to answer any questions about his own behaviour. I've now gotten to a stage where I am tired of blaming this bad behaviour on alcohol - I'm fed up with the "she's not herself, she's sick" excuse. Does alcohol really change a person or just magnify the one that's already there?

# 20

Posted: 29/09/2006 20:56

I lived all my life with my dad who was alcoholic, there was nothing only fights with my mam and dad i often wondered why they stayed together, I think it has a very bad affect on children living in a home with so much bad feelings going on, Msny years have passed I am married now with my own family, my dad is dead many years, and i still feel so sad that my children could have been so different,dont get me wrong I loved him very much but the take the best part of child hood away,how do they not see the harm they are doing to their family by choosing the bottle before the ones they love or do they love them at all

# 19

Posted: 28/09/2006 12:08

I will be thinking about you, and wishing for the best. Its not too late for your father to stop drinking, but the thought of it must terrify him. While he is in hospital maybe you could arrange for someone from AA to visit him? You would have nothing to lose at this stage, sounds like your father will not be around much longer if he continues to drink, but possibly needs help that he is unable to ask for? I know he needs to want to be helped, but while you have him captive in hospital, you could send some help his way? Otherwise all you can do is pray he will hit his rock bottom, and say enough is enough,or unfortunately, watch him drink his life away....