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(Saturday, 1st Nov, 2014)

The end of an alcoholic marriage

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Anonymous  ·  12 Oct 2006
Anon posted 12/10 - that is a very interestig question - does alcohol change the person or magnify them?
My father is an alcoholic and I think that alcohol disguises the person he is - we never get to see the real person he is or could have been. He is now so far gone, I don't believe there is any coming back for him, so I don't think I'll ever know what kind of a man he could have been without drink. He is just this person defined by alcohol, the two are inseprable for me. I don't see him as a man, I see him as a drunk man. I don't know if that makes any sense...
 

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Anonymous  ·  12 Oct 2006
My mother is an alcoholic but she's in complete denial. I've done some work with a psychologist and have only just learned at 26 that it's not my fault. All my life up until very recently I was the "fixer" - my mother would climb into bed beside me drunk and tell me all her problems and I, a child, was supposed to fix them. These ranged from her sexual abuse as a teenager, to her poor self image to her inability to make and hold onto friends. She separated from my father when I was 3, I don't know why as I was not ever allowed to have a relationship with him. He lives in the same county as me and I don't know him. I know her story why they split but I can't be sure its the truth, as all her life my mother has portrayed herself as "The Victim". It has got to the stage now where myself and my brother have zero contact with her becuase we will not answer pnone calls we know will be druken verbal abuse . My mother refuses to see that the drinking alcohol has ripped the family apart, because she thinks that because she only drinks in the evening she's not an alcoholic. She does not remember(or at least she lets on that she doesn't remember) why we will not have contact with her (ie the verbal abuse, which would blister paint) and so she can remain "The Victim" of such awful children who just want to hurt her. The facilitator has his own problems and is happy to keep buying the wine because it means he doesn't have to answer any questions about his own behaviour. I've now gotten to a stage where I am tired of blaming this bad behaviour on alcohol - I'm fed up with the "she's not herself, she's sick" excuse. Does alcohol really change a person or just magnify the one that's already there?
 

13 Posts

lisa  ·  11 Oct 2006
i would just like everyone to know that i have finally left my abusive alcoholic partner.the freedom and relief i feel is unimaginable.i can finally look after myself without having to look after a big child who needs so much attention.im just not prepared to give myself away anymore.its the best thing that ever happened to me cause now i can concentrate on my own life without worrying about someone else who has only one goal in life and thats to drink himself to an early grave.all my suffering is over and this is where my life begins
 

6 Posts

Jackie  ·  27 Sep 2006
My Mum finally found the strength and courage to leave my Dad after 37 years of marriage, he an alcoholic for all of that time. It was the best thing she ever did for herself and for my 14 year old sister. She had to learn to love herself enough, to realise that she deserved better, she deserved love and happiness, and freedom from fear. It was a long road for her to get to that point, but the difference in her, her health, her outlook, her happiness is phenomenal.

There is no right thing to do or say to an alcoholic to change them. The only right thing you can do or say, is for yourself ... that you love yourself enough to take care of yourself the way you would like to be able to take care of the other person.
 

13 Posts

lisa  ·  13 Sep 2006
how did you find the strength to leave.how long did you take it off him before you found the courage to go.i dont feel im strong enough yet for that.its all very scary
 

84 Posts

carol (UCA20270)  ·  12 Sep 2006
to lisa, how can you love someone who kicked your dog to death and broke your nose? it could be you he kicks to death next time. i too have known violence from an alcoholic husband and i urge you to get out of the relationship as soon as possible, he will never change.
 

13 Posts

lisa  ·  12 Sep 2006
my mother is a recovering alcoholic.most of my boyfriends have been too.recently in a drunken rage my boyfriend kicked my dog to death.he also broke my nose shortly after.he walked out on me yesterday to stay with his parents who are recovering.i know they will only keep him there til pay day when he has money for drink again and then he will arrive back at my door.the hard part is that i still really love him and wont be able to turn him away.our child was stillborn a couple of months ago so im finding it hard to make any kind of normal decisions.ive been around alcoholics all my life and its as if im just used to it.even though i know its not normal,its almost become my normal
 

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Anonymous  ·  20 Aug 2006
I have decided to leave my alcoholic wife of six months after she recently violently attacked me for the last time. Although my desertion may seem harsh to some, I believe that she has since began a treatment programme to last for three weeks.
For any men in a similar situation out there, know at least that your'e not alone and although, it seems extremely hard to get off the rollercoaster, the alternative outcome could have been alot worse.
 

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Anonymous  ·  10 Mar 2006
I LIVE WITH A MAN WHO IS AN ALCOHOLIC.RECENTLY HE LEFT HIS JOB AND DID NOT TELL ME. TODAY I GO HOME AND HE IS IN BED AT 3 OCLOCK.HE SAYS THAT I STAY IN BED LATE TOO. HE IS ANGRY DRINKS SITS WATCHING FOOTBALL SHOWS NO INTEREST IN LIFE. DRINKS AND SITS THERE NOW NOT WORKING SAYS HE WANTS TO FIND THE JOB HE WANTS BUT WHAT IS THAT.DRINKS STOPS SITS DEPRESSED. I HAVE TO GET OUT,WHY AM I STILL THERE
 

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Anonymous  ·  11 Oct 2005
Look, I know I know nothing about your situation. But think about the example you are showing to your kids by driving your husband in and out of the pub. Please don't let them grow up thinking that this is how adult relationships work.
 

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Anonymous  ·  10 Oct 2005
You are not a fool. Remember YOUR needs are very important.ie sleep.Your children's needs are also very important. They need you to be there in the night in case anything happens. You can't save your husband. He won't change. You are teaching your children to put a disrepectful person's needs before your own or theirs. You and your children are important. Your husband is old enough to look after himself. You are not responsible for him. I also believe we can change our taste in men, and we're not trapped into always being attracted to alcoholics. The decision to leave him would not be an easy one to make. With some counselling, you will see the options you have, and find the strength to turn your life around, step by step. Good luck!
 

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Anonymous  ·  23 Sep 2005
I'm writing this 1.15am on Thurs nite after waiting up for a phoncall to collect my husband in the local pub. Yet again promises broken that he will ring by 12 to 12.30 as I have 4 kids to get ready for primary school in the morning. He goes out 2 nights a week now but I never know when he will be drunk coming home or even what time. There is always some excuse. Tonight when I rang at 1am to see what was up it was his cousins wife gave birth yesterday and they are celebrating!! I know I am facilitating his drinking by driving him in and out from the pub but he has already spent one year off the road after being disqualified. He is very pround of the fact that it was for failing to give a sample to the Gardai and not for being bretalysed. He is in denial completely. His father was a ferocious binge dinker and my mum and dad were both heavy drinkers. It seems like children of alcoholics are drawn to spouses similar to their parents. Except in my case my father never said a cross word after drink and my husband is very erractic and dangerous after too much to drink. I really don't know what to do as he will just do what he wants anyway and never ever apologise for what he does. I know the answer tomorrow will be "sure why didn't u go to bed. I found my own way home didn't I" Even though we had arranged before he went out that I would collect him early, he drops arrangements at a whim and doesn't even bother ringing me. I must sound like a complete idiot...
 

25 Posts

Helga (mikaela)  ·  21 Sep 2005
I am an Alcoholic and stop drinking many years ago. My children (all grown up) are immensly proud of me, my husband also an alcoholic is a lot older and also an alcoholic, but as he now has Altzheimer desease and his life is pretty miserable. I allow him a few drinks daily, so I am hiding the drink - not for myself - but from him and dish it out in carefully measured dosis. It's difficult at times but I have now done it for over a year and had no fall back
 

84 Posts

carol (UCA20270)  ·  21 Sep 2005
hi, i maRRIED AN ALCOHOLIC AFTER COMING FROM TWO ALCOHOLIC PARENTS! my life was a sheer hell for many years, not only verbal abuse but physical as well.it took me a long time to pluck up the courage to seek a barring order as i was so afraid. he used to tell the garda that "he would put me in a box" he very nearly did.despite being in treatment a few times,he never changed.my three children and i lived in fear for many years.yes, i did feel it was my fault.i eventually got a legal separation and a divorce when it came in here and i am a totally different person. so ,take my advice, the alcoholic will never change! if he is off the drink you live in fear of hom going back on it,so its a no win situation. thank you for listening to me.
 

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Anonymous  ·  21 Sep 2005
Go now and dont look back.
 

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Anonymous  ·  20 Sep 2005
To the last poster . . .do you think bringing kids into this situation is a good idea? Read all the previous posts again . . . . and BTW, you're not responsible for him.
 

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Anonymous  ·  10 Sep 2005
I've read a few of the comments and two things have come to my attention more than anything else : most of them come from women and another most of them are from mothers married to alcoholics worrying about their children. I came to Ireland with my boyfriend 5 years ago and life has gone from bad to worse. We're not married and have no kids yet I have not been able to leave him. I feel I would rather put up with his drinking that a guilty concience if something happens to him. My family doesn't know what has happened to me over the years but my sister is now here and is putting pressure on me to make a decision about my life. He doesn't drink all the time but oce he starts it can last for weeks. aia'm only 30 years old, should I leave him? From your experiences, is this going to get worse? Should I let him loose his business and everything else and perhaps he'll get better? Please help!!!
 

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Anonymous  ·  17 Apr 2005
My Dad was an alcoholic, devastating for all the family, we all have relationship problems and are, of course drinking ourselves, and of course not as bad as the dad-yet. Alan carr wrote a great book 'the easy way to control alcohol'. It's helped me immensely and can see how stupid drinking is. I went to adult children of alcoholics support groups in the Hanly centre dunlaohgaire, for a few years. That was great support.Pity it's all so anonymous though. I want to shout to people not in the 'know' from the top of the spire, 'ye're all boring alcoholics'. I despair to see most people i know slipping down the boring devastating ambition destroying road to 'fun' boozing nights out. Oh please tell me that interesting story in your schlurry voice. ps. i notice a link to alcohol abuse and diabetes? I'd rather stay single as I am than date most of the boozy, beer bellied, unnattractive men going round. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter, just twisted, shaken and stirred.
 

86 Posts

June (Junemc)  ·  14 Apr 2005
To the poster of 7/4, the most difficult thing about alcoholism is denial. One poster here said that it is a family disease, and that is true to an extent. It took me years and years to admit to anyone that my husband had a drink problem. You don't want to admit it to yourself, and there is where your own denial comes in! The last thing you want to find is that after marrying someone you love, that they have a drinking problem. My guess is your husband does, or is heading that way, as he is using alcohol to "help" through difficult days or times. That's how it started with my husband. Then the weekly binges will turn into two, three, four times a week. Just because someone is not nasty with drink on them doesn't mean that they don't have a problem. In fact it is easier to identify if the person is a nasty drunk. I would say if you feel uncomfortable with his drinking, then it is likely he has a problem. Seek help from Al-Anon to clarify your own thinking and to help cut through your own denial.
 

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Anonymous  ·  07 Apr 2005
I know this may sound silly but how do you know person is an alcoholic? To see someone drunk in the street or pub would not suggest that they are alcoholics??
The reason I am asking is my husband enjoys a drink as I do every weekend but if we are stressed out about anything or he has alot on his mind, he will drink constantly for 2 days at a time. I also find that if we are out at a wedding were there is the whole day and night to get through he will insist on having a drink the following day as he is still buzzing from the night before..he is never abusive in anyway to me..but I am a little worried he may be heading down the wrong road..and this is the only thing we would argue about...can someone advise me on this issue...
 

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Anonymous  ·  14 May 2004
Thank you for your reply to my message posted . As even reading the other comments has made me feel that im not alone i have never talked about this to anyone only my mother and she is the same and you just go around in circles . i carry around a lot of anger about this as ive live in the situation still andhave had this in my live since i was a child . It affects my everyday live sometimes and cause great annoyance to me how someone can be so selfish and not care ..its very hard for people who live with this day in day out and as i said these other posting have been some source of comfort for me..
 

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Anonymous  ·  14 May 2004
I'm a member of Al-Anon and the first thing I leared, although it took a while to sink in, is that NOTHING you can do or say to the alcoholic will persuade them to change if they do not want to. What you need to do is to stop obsessing about the alcoholic and start looking after yourself. A side effect of this is that sometimes the alcoholic will cop on, but sometimes they won't. Realise that the only person you can change is yourself, and that if you can find inner peace for yourself your life will vastly improve. I recommend Al-Anon, don't be put off, stick with it and you will find help. The sheer relief of being able to speak with people in the same situation is a huge help in itself.
 

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Anonymous  ·  13 May 2004
what do u do if u live with an aloholic and they wont admit they have a drink problem and do nothing to change it ?
this is the case in my home. and has been this way for as far back as i was a child . no amount of talking or anything will stop him he does not see the error of his ways and has never said sorry once for the amount of grief and upset he puts the family through. what do u do then ..??? he wont stop or listen
 

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Anonymous  ·  12 May 2004
As the wife of an alcoholic I cannot stress too strongly the help you will get from Al-Anon. To know that you are not alone, that there is always help and comfort, gives untold strength and ease. If you don't find kindred spirits at one group, find another. My husband's situation has improved enormously, perhaps as a result of my changed attitude, and I have not attended a group for years, but to know that help is always there if needed is enough.
 

86 Posts

June (Junemc)  ·  06 May 2004
In answer to the above question how many people who live with alcoholism but yet still drink themselves, the difference is between USE and ABUSE. Going out for a few on a Saturday night once in a while is USE. One glass of red wine a night is USE. I can go months without ever drinking and I often go out and not drink because I prefer to drive home than line a taxi driver's pocket for the privelige, and it doesn't bother me. The difference is when you absolutely can't get through a situation/day/week without a drink. That's alcohol ABUSE, and I agree that there are a lot of people out there who use alcohol for those purposes and who will never admit that it's a problem. There's a very good questionnaire on this website which helps to identify the difference, but it is certainly a grey area. How much is abuse? Abuse is when drinking affects your life in any way, and of course there are varying degrees of this. By the way, for anyone looking for help, Al-Anon saved my life, the head office is in Capel Street and they will tell you where and when your local meeting is on.
 

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Anonymous  ·  06 May 2004
I am just reading all the posts and it is bringing a tear to my eye.I too am married to an Alcoholic but he has only just admitted it.Actually he only signed himself in yesterday for six weeks.It is very hard but I love him and too now need too start attending Al-ANON meetings.
 

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Anonymous  ·  05 May 2004
To all who posted about how horrific it is to live with alcoholism.
How many of you drink??????

Being aware of how horrific the disease of alcoholism is and the effects it has, it always amazes me that the people most affected by the disease continue to drink themselves.
Oh yeah they don't have a problem, they can control it, Sorry folks if you have to think about not drinking after all you experienced as a result of drink, then you do have a problem.
 

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Anonymous  ·  05 May 2004
I'm an alcoholic in recovery and after three years sobriety I had to leave the family home to protect my sobriety. My ex partner refused to look at his behaviour, he was a great martyr and finger pointer and to this day if he stubs his toe it's my fault.
Alcoholism is called the family disease and the disease of denial for good reason. No one has to suffer alone through it, not the alcoholic, not the co-de, not the children. There is help for all.

For those with Adult Child issues I'd recommend gayle Rosellini's book Taming Your Turbulent Past available free on the internet.
 

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Anonymous  ·  05 May 2004
Its a very difficult situation. Although my father has only been verbally abusive to me twice, it happens regularly with my mother. She has only recently started seperation proceedings, as all of us are now in college or older. She still wants to remain in the family home, but the situation seems to be hopeless. My father is ignoring the seration notice under the assumption that my mother will not want to pay the costs of going to court as that would require selling the family home or other family assets. I cant see how things will ever get back to any kind of normality.
 

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Anonymous  ·  05 May 2004
It is a tough life living with alcohol esp as a child, both parents drinking with 2 personalities, sober and not. And I understand the denial & broken promises. I still love both parents but when they are drinking I will keep my family and myself away and confront when sober. It takes a lot of love, time and patience. Tears and upsets. Sometimes the worries that I will turn out like that, when I notice similarities in circumstances. Although We do not have alcohol in the house as a rule. It does take a large chunk out of a childs life, but sometimes one must look beyond the alcohol and question the why. I welcome any information on this subject, thanks
 

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Anonymous  ·  05 May 2004
when do you decide when enough is enough? Living with someone who needs to drink every single day is bad but my trouble is the abuse during the hangover the next morning not the actual drinking! It has caused so many rows but I never know how bad things should get before I decide to leave or separate as I have three small sons who adore their father! My mother drank too much all my life so I am almost used to alcohol abuse!
 

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Anonymous  ·  05 May 2004
My father is also an alcoholic and I find it very hard to deal with and have done for a very long time now. I am now 22 years old and am living at home - how can I get on with my own life without feeling this way everytime he drinks? I feel trapped in my own life because I cannot live a normal life as long as I live under the same roof as he does.
 

4 Posts

HELEN (HELENSTUART)  ·  05 May 2004
Children often suffer a lot when parents separate. They sometimes will not talk about their feelings as they do not want to upset either parent. Rainbows is a support service for children of separated or bereaved families. Their number is 4734175. Men or women who are trying to get on with their life after a death or separation can contact Beginning Experience on 6790556 for details of their residential weekends or coping programme. The next residential weekend is in Dublin on 14th/16th May 2004.
 

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Anonymous  ·  05 May 2004
After leaving everthing (my carier, my family, friens and a lovely country)behind me to move to Ireland with my husband (Irish) I found the problems got worse. I was thinking, to go back his home would do good to him but it did not work. I understand that lady and all other readers how does it mean to live with an alcolchic person. I heard that some organisations help the abused people, but how about the real problem makers is there any organisation to tell them that enough is enough to wake them up from their dream world? Life is already hard itself and nobodoy needs more trouble. I am trying to save this marriage because of my daughter since like all other children she loves her father and it would breake my heart to seperate her from her daddy. I am looking for such organisation or group that would try to help the real prpblem makers. Not hospitals as all the alcoholic people my husband would deny that he is an alcolochic.
 

86 Posts

June (Junemc)  ·  05 May 2004
Having lived for many years with an alcoholic, I tried for years to tell him "in no uncertain terms" that I would leave if he did not give up the drink. The problem is the alcoholic will make promises, things will be better for a few hours, days or even weeks, but in my case he never really gave it up and stayed off it. He went to AA meetings and came home drunk! I finally couldn't stick it any more and left him, he is drinking himself to death now but I can't let it be my problem anymore. Remember the alcoholic is in a permanent state of denial and even when they admit they have a problem, they can sink back into that denial very easily. Nobody can force them to give up the drinking except themselves.
 

3 Posts

carol (carolw)  ·  05 May 2004
To the last poster, I would urge you to take the feelings of your children very seriously and get professional help as soon as possible. My Father is an alcoholic, and as children we were subjected to a very verbally abusive Father, which was very frightening - much of our childhood was spent walking on egg shells around him, afraid to bring friends home, etc. My Mother tried her very best to keep the peace, but alas today at the age of 36, we are still quite affected by this issue. I personally find that over the years alot of my anger has been directed at my Mother for allowing my Father's behaviour to continue, while simply trying to cover it up and make excuses. Your husband needs to be told in no uncertain terms that he needs help and that unless he is prepared to get help you can no longer continue to jeopardise your children's right to a normal childhood and family home. By all means, assure him of your love and support, provided he is prepared to do something about his illness. Best of luck!
 

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Anonymous  ·  30 Apr 2004
To the last poster, how did you cope with being the child of an alcoholic? I'm asking because I have three children and the oldest doesn't want to have anything to do with her father, and frankly I don't blame her after the way he has treated her over the years. She is 13. What hope is there for her to have a better relationship with him? We are separating within the next couple of months, I wonder will this improve things? I do need some advice with how to help the children.
 

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Anonymous  ·  29 Apr 2004
As the child of an alcoholic, I watched my mother doing everything she could to keep the family going, while my father drank himself into oblivion. She too found Al-Anon a great help and there was a marked difference in her. The idea that you cannot change the alcoholic, they have to want to change themselves is without doubt the hardest part for family. If we could skip straight to that knowledge, we'd save ourselves a lot of heartache and years trying to change them. To the first poster, you may still be living with him but you are probably more at peace than you have been for a long time. Best of luck.
 

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Anonymous  ·  29 Apr 2004
Well Done to you for taking care of yourself. You are so right when you say that the only person that anyone can change is themselves. Best of luck to you in your new life.
 

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Anonymous  ·  29 Apr 2004
I'd like to start a discussion helping people who feel they are trapped being married to an alcoholic. For myself, I have been married for 10 years to an alcoholic who becomes verbally abusive after just one drink, it is like there is a switch in his head between a kind, loving, friendly person and a mean, abusive, self destructive person, and all it takes is a drink to flick that switch.
After years and years of trying to get him to give up the drink, I joined Al-Anon (for families of alcoholics) and they finally made me see that no amount of trying on my part will make him give up drinking. Well in February I told him that I wanted to separate, and since then of course the drinking has got worse and we're still living in the same house, so generally it's a nightmare situation.
But however hard it is, I know every day that passes that I've made the right decision. I'm not advocating separation for everyone, because sometimes an alcholic can give up drinking and there's plenty of examples of that. What I'm saying is, as a person married to/living with an alcoholic, your first priority is to yourself, as you are the only person who YOU have the power to change.
 
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