'Suicide' of Dr David Kelly

# 35

Posted: 05/12/2008 12:40

Hi sue 25

Thanks for that. No point. My in laws just don't listen, mine are the same. Its because he was diagonised when he was 14, and because he was such a perfect child, no one saw that there was anything wrong with him.

His grandda who died 8 years ago, always said that there was something wrong with him, so we had him assessed. But I can tell you, that there is more in the family that has it - my sister's son, and my brother in law's son have it, but they don't see it, we do because we are living with it.

I told my sister that autism was in the family and she told me that her kids are perfect, also my other nephew, he is the same way. He is very like what my son was like when he was growing up. My mother in law has commented on that too, that there was something wrong with her other grandson, but I said no I am not going to say anything to his parents, thay can all find out the hard way like we did, and I am not being bad saying that,

# 34

Posted: 04/12/2008 16:24

Dear Kissey,

I guess it's tough when Mother in laws get involved. She probably just doesn't understand the illness like you said. Maybe if could all sit down together with your doctor and discuss your son. Let them know of your feelings and that you want to do the best for your son, so guys all have to be on the same page. It might help. The reality is you all need to support each other. I think that's what's missing in my family, communication. It sounds so easy but you know yourself more ppl mean more opinions. I dunno If this helps. I hope so :)

# 33

Posted: 03/12/2008 22:36

hi sue 25

thanks for that. u see my son is 19 and its so hard to get him into places. also he cant travel on buses on his own like me. he gets panic attacks. why i went to this part of site was the other day he was really down, so was i. we were out shopping and his nanny was with us. she nagged him, he gets upset. he always does if this happens, so i waited till we got home and said it to his da. i said i cant cope with him being upset, your ma will have to lay off. you see sue she doesnt believe that he has autism, and this is what is going on in the whole family. part of my family are like that too. his nanny keeps saying there is nothing wrong with him when he is on his own. he knows he has autism, and for her to say this , makes him confused. i told my gp about this as i wasnt the best the other day. he told me that my husbands mother will have to stop. she is rejecting him and its not on. i wont have this. last year as i said he was so depressed an he tried to kill him self. my gp said if he is pushed like what people are saying about him and nagging him well he just might do this again. my hubby went mad when i told him that. i said to him look, im not the best and your son is going through a bad time. your mother will have to lay off. if she doesnt, well im sorry but she will never see us again. he told her this, but it will take a few days and she will go back to her ways again. but what i cant understand is my hubby is there for her 24/7 if she needs anything. oh she has other children, but because im around the corner she rings . to be honest i cursed the day i moved near her, i used to live with her and i couldn't wait till i got my own space.

# 32

Posted: 03/12/2008 16:30

It''s good to talk. Thank you both for sharing your thoughts, I think it's therapy for all of us. Kissey, I guess all you we can do is take it day to day. But we're all doing that in all walks of life, so maybe when it gets really tough for your son let him know he's not alone even if he feels he is. Autism is a difficult one, I only know a small bit about it. There can be positive sides, if he finds something he loves to do. Like painting to express his emotions. I love to draw, it takes my mind off things. I guess focusing your attention elsewhere can be great therapy. www.autismireland.ie/ this website might help also

# 31

Posted: 02/12/2008 23:41

Hi Sue25,

I am glad to hear you will be attending a counseller, as this will help you get some kind of sence out of unanswered questions. As for your family who do not talk about their tragic loss, I would recommend if you could get them to go to a group meeting, with Aware or Grow, it will take time for them to open up but eventually they will.

I tried suicide a couple of times in 1993. I am happy now that I failed as now I can be there for all my nephews and nieces and understand, support and advise them when they are troubled. I also make sure to keep communications open with them even If I believe they are making a wrong decision. This is what I got out of my experience, not every one is as lucky as me, and everyone has a different view on a problem. What seems a small problem to one person might be a big struggle to another that pushes them over the edge.

I guess this is why it comes as a shock to family and friends, no one can tell the balance of a persons mind, as things get so confused for them. I supose you can compare it to being in love, its a guessing game.

# 30

Posted: 02/12/2008 22:36

hi sue 25

my son is not doing great. he has his bad days and good days. he gets panic attacks. we keep telling him he can talk to us. we were out today and he said can we go homw now. i wont leave him at home for long, not that we dont trust him, he goes to bed at around 10pm, watch his telly, and then gets up at about 1pm. he is very confused. he is always tired. he cant understand why he has autism. we cant understand either. he has said he hates that he has this as its ruining his life. he would love a job, but cant get one as he knows if he had a job, and he lost his temper, that could be serious. he would love to have a relationship with a girl, and he has always said he would love to have kids. my heart goes out to him. please god he will be able to be have a girl and get married and have kids.

# 29

Posted: 02/12/2008 14:56

Hi Kissey,

Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad to hear your son didn't go through with it. How is he doing now? I think I have started to realise it is ok to talk about these things. I hope your family are trying to, as I know how difficult it can be sometimes. I have decided to go to a counsellor when I am in Uni again as the services are generally very good.

# 28

Posted: 01/12/2008 19:14

hi sue 25

i read your mail. i'm really sorry to hear what you have been going through. i don't know what it is like to lose someone through a suicide, it must be terrible. but like i said my son nearly done it last year. we were in such a state when we heard what he was going to do, he told us that he didnt want to live anymore, it was all to do with a girl he befriended. she just dumped him, like a piece of dirt, he was devestated. he decides to try and slash his rists, he didnt do it as he said he was afraid.

# 27

Posted: 29/11/2008 05:12

I'm not sure where to start, my Dad commited suicide when I was 4 years old. As you can imagine I didn't really understand what happened until I was older. My Mam and my two sisters have been there for me my whole life, but we have never been that close. Sometimes I ask myself why and just cry because I'm still not sure how to deal with it. But as we all know life has a way of just going. I try not to think about it too much but then I get scared because I'm so afraid for my loved ones. It has been 21 yrs since he died but I don't think any of us have really deal with it.

I'm leaving the country after Christmas to study overseas but I feel guilty sometimes that If I don't ever come back to live, my family will just drift. I know I have to make my own decisions with regards to my life. I just hope my family will be there for eachother and me from afar. Suicide is probably the least spoken about and the most awful of things to experience. But with communicating wth each other we could learn so much.

# 26

Posted: 27/07/2008 00:29

hi
we have a son who is aspergers. he tried to commit suicide. we had to get him to see our GP and now our son seeks help. our son tired this because he met a girl that he really felt for. they weren't boy and girl friend but FRIENDS. she destroyed the friendship and he was a total mess. my husband and i hadn't a clue what he was going through. we felt terrible about this. this girl used him and he now hates her. please is there anyone out there that has gone through this? thanks.

# 25

Posted: 22/05/2008 23:28

When you are severley depressed you should not try to make decisions.

# 24

Posted: 20/05/2008 09:44

i nearly committed suicide because i was bullied and tormented at work. i complained to the head chef at work and told him and the head chef turns around and said you're lucky you're allowed to do these hours.

I felt so alone so i just quit my job after a while. At the weekend i would go out and drink myself to the stack of not knowing where i was. the bouncers would have to carry me out to where they could keep an eye on me. i would be covered in black marks

I would be sick all the next day and then back in to work on the monday.

i am glad i didn't commit suicide.

# 23

Posted: 09/04/2007 09:49

when you are in a deep depression your mind does not work in the "mode "oh I will not kill myself because my wife /family /etc ..will be heartbroken ...the numerous people above dont seem to understand this ....when u are in a certain unpleasant frame of mind all u want is escape from it....its your full focus ...luckily some people manage to hang on ....and selfishness is not so bad its part of what we are ...unless u want to be a saint !

# 22

Posted: 23/06/2006 10:39

Mollie, I think you made a very good poiitn there. We must encourage people - men and women, form when they ae little children to be open and honest about their feelings.
It is changing but very very slowly.

# 21

Posted: 22/06/2006 22:51

Someone very close to my husband committed suicide and I too felt total anger at having to deal with the guilt, remorse and the pain of watching my husband being blamed and blaming himself for this death (to the extent that he became ill himself from the stressof it all). Some 15 years down the road it came to light that the person had a serious illness and did not want to become a burden on their family so feeling that they could not discuss their situation with anyone, they ended their life. I don't feel angry any more, just sad as when someone commits suicide they really do what they think is the right thing for everyone at that time and do not mean to leave us all with those terrible feelings of doubt. They did this to themselves usually in the (wrong) thought that they were relieving their families of them being a burden on them. Say a prayer for them as often as possible, light a candle for them and hope that you yourself will never feel such despair that the only option you think you have is to end your life.
Its natural to feel a certain amount of anger but when you analyse your own anger then you yourself can be accused of just thinking of yourself yet this is the very thing that you complain about with the person who committed suicide.
Try and think of the pain they were going through instead of the pain you are now going through. Not everyone has the ability to talk their feelings out (especially men) and sometimes to even attempt to talk their feelings out they feel they are being weak. Its not anyone's fault but anger will not serve anyone in any positive way and will only damage you in the end.

# 20

Posted: 12/06/2006 16:42

Anon 26/10/2004 I know you feel the pain of both your losses but really suicide is not a selfish act. To the person that takes their own life - it is the only way out for them. It spells the end of darkness, lonliness & fear to them & they see it almost as a wonderful release, an escape. Have you ever heard anyone make a statement about someone who took their own life like.. "but I saw him yesterday & he was in great form"? Yes, they were in great form because they knew that soon they would be leaving their own personal hell. I know you feel hard done by but try if you can to see maybe the reasons they carried out this act & why in their heads, they felt they had no other option.

# 19

Posted: 12/06/2006 11:28

Hi Con, I think this discussion was solely in relation to Dr Kelly, there are some excellent discusion boeards on this site for depression / Suicide and I would urge you to check tham out as they may have some beneficial advice for you.
Best of luck

# 18

Posted: 12/06/2006 08:28

no one seems to have written in here in a while on this subject which i think is dissappointing for the fact that it is such a big issue...i am suicidal myself and i dont know how to cope with it and could do with help and advice

# 17

Posted: 15/02/2005 15:51

I tried to commit suicide after my middle son was murdered. luckily i was found and brought to hospital. I was in the heart unit for 2 weeks and then in and out of a psychiatric unit for two years. I realise now after ECT and cognitive anaylitica Therapy I was not thinking straight as I still have two lovely boys. I was mentally ill and am diagnosed with clinical depression. I think hurtful things have been said about people who have committed suicide as depression is an illness like any other. I was just lucky I got help in time.

# 16

Posted: 09/11/2004 13:53

Sorry I have not been on in a while. I had to attend yet another cousins funeral. This time my cousin was killed by the force of nature. A weir in Carlow. He was canoeing doing something he loved. I dont claim to know what goes on in the head of a suicide victim I just feel that It is very selfish. I dont want an arguement. Sorry If I said anything I shouldnt have or said something to offend anyone.

# 15

Posted: 27/10/2004 14:11

I've been on both sides and as anyone who's gone through it may tell you, their (and everyone is different) mind felt like a prison from which there was no escape.

# 14

Posted: 27/10/2004 12:18

I never "claimed" to know. Have you ever been in a situation like mine?

# 13

Posted: 27/10/2004 10:38

I did not attempt to analyse how you felt, but you seem to feel free to analyse the mind of a suicide victim and assume their selfishness - as I said no-one, including you, knows what goes on in another's mind.

# 12

Posted: 27/10/2004 09:15

You just contradicted your self there. You have no right analysing hoe I"feel" as you so nicely put it. I have every right to feel how I feel. When your best friend Takes his own life you dont ask what was going through their minds you ask your self why. Why did they do this? Why did he not talk about this? You said it yourself "Who knows what goes on in another persons mind."

# 11

Posted: 26/10/2004 15:13

I know you 'feel' that your cousins suicide was selfish but think how utterly desperate he must have felt in his own mind to take this desperate action. Suicide levels are increasing among young men in particular. For anyway to take this devastating action their mind must literally feel like a prison to them from which they cannot escape. Who knows what goes on in another persons mind. While they might have the outward appearance of beig happy, they may not have the words to express how deeply miserable they are feeling.

# 10

Posted: 26/10/2004 11:46

im 19 y/o. When I was 12 my best friend (19 y/o cousin) commited suicide. He was my role model as he always had time for everyone. Everyone wondered why? It was christmas eve, That was a time to be happy. Three months later my three y/o cousin was killed in a tradgic farm accident. It only then hit home how selfish my cousin was. He chose to take his own life and killed himself. he killed himself and my little baby cousin who was full of life was taken form it. Suicide is selfish. All the person is thinking of is themselves. I always look back on it and ask why? This is an answer I am always looking for but will never find the answer. The pain and heart ache we had to deal with in the space of three months. One was anger the other sorrow.

# 9

Posted: 04/10/2004 09:45

Anbonymous, it's not unusual to have these feelings of anger towards your husband and those feelign can blind people to the knowledge that when someone commits suicide, it is becuase they see no other way out - for a number of reasons.
But for your own sake do seek some counselling to try to help you cope.

# 8

Posted: 02/10/2004 06:30

My husband commited suicide and i dont care how insensitive it sounds, he was a selfish bastard to leave us all the way he did. He is gone while so many of us are left to face un unbareable pain alone. Suicide is the most selfish act that a persone can commit, mental health or lack of it does not make it ok, or not selfish- if anyone out ther has been left behind, they might understnd. But if you havent experienced the loss that a suicide brings, than I dont think you can understand the anger that is bred from it. If a polotition cant speek freely than he is probly lying, I would rather a harsh Gp than someone who candy coats things. Get real people, LIFE is not "sensitive" to your feelings or anyone eleses. I think the world needs to toughen up, if a man is truley strong he choses life and truth, neither of which are always pleasant. DEAL WITH IT!!

# 7

Posted: 07/09/2003 00:25

It is sometimes very difficult to know as a colleague when one of your co-workers is in severe difficulty psychologically. Most of us have a work persona that helps us get through the day. I have worked with people for over twenty years and I can't say I know them particularly well, although I see them every day. I'm not sure if I would know when any of these people were in serious trouble, unless their behaviour radically altered. Even then, what approach would be appropriate? You can't just march up to someone and ask them are they depressed or suicidal. No one approached in that way is going to "let themselves down" in front of work colleagues as they might well feel that their job competence was at issue. I think families or close personal friends have a much better chance of influencing people when it comes to dealing with a crisis such as depression.

# 6

Posted: 05/09/2003 08:07

Hi Michelle, I'm not sure how this message would relate to the alleged 'suicide' of Dr Kelly??

# 5

Posted: 04/09/2003 23:33

Michelle
The article was snapped off the screen. I need to proof read this because of the level of content.

Interestingly I wrote a similar article for BBC Interactive on the 18th July 2003. They said they would confirm receipt.

Inspite of numerous emails for a copy of it I can get none.

This content is personal but I believe relevant particular to those vulnerable.

Michelle

# 4

Posted: 03/09/2003 17:45

With this message I like to respond to the first message that refers to the hidden pressure someone can feel at work. One year ago, a postman in Belgium suicided apparently after a long period of being bullied by his colleagues. This was a major headline in the news followed by a police inquiry to his death.
I don't know about the situation in Ireland, but here, social or psychological support at work or on the work floor are still underdeveloped. Being optimistic: there is room for improvement.

# 3

Posted: 03/09/2003 09:51

While my heart goes out to anyone who dies in this tragic way and their families, I don't believe that Dr. Kelly's death was the result of suicide

# 2

Posted: 03/09/2003 08:16

I absolutely agree. My ex-husband chose to die earlier this year and it was a complete shock to everyone. He appeared to everyone to be fine but inside he was in torment. It was too late by the time anyone intervened. He was just 41.

# 1

Posted: 29/08/2003 09:48

While the results of the Hutton inquiry are awaited, the apparent suicide of scientist Dr David Kelly has put the spotlight on the issue of suicide. It should also make us all more aware of the hidden pressures some people feel, especially at work. We should all be more aware and alert to the fact that people who on the outside seem strong and 'robust' as Tony Blair described Mr Kelly, may actually be the opposite.