kickstar  Posted: 09/11/2015 09:56

My experience: In my own experience anxiety and panic attacks just came over me every now and then, but more so I noticed in warm weather, I started to figure out what changes in brain chemical or lack off was causing this condition, and what I could do to alter it, I discovered that a quantity of beer worked, but unless I was going to surrender my life to the demon drink, this cure was not  suitable,

My doctors advice was, surprise surprise an anti depressant, not wanting to go down this road I discovered a cure on my own, I derermined I was dehydrated, since watching this important item...Water intake, I have never suffered an anxiety attack since

I hope this will help some people overcome this insidious affliction.

blue1980  Posted: 02/07/2015 08:07

Hi everyone, 

I'm completely new to all of this but I have been suffering from bouths of anxiety all of my life, but nothing like what I have been experiencing over the past 2 months. I've had constant worry (fear), negative thoughts, no energy, lack of sleep and some physical symptoms as well. It feels like a burning sensation all over my body (anxiety) and I honestly had enough. I'm not one to go on these forums but I really need help. Thanks everyone! 

Kay  Posted: 15/01/2015 11:56

Thanks Angel. For your advice and help. For what it's worth....I believe in Angels :-) 

Angel   Posted: 14/01/2015 22:51

Dear Kay, I know you have trouble believing this has happened to you and you are not alone in that. If you are experiencing abuse in your mind and the pictures don't go away or keep recurring then of course it happened to you. 

                                               It can bring up terrifying images, can make you immensely confused or even paranoid. It can affect all your relationships with people - but only if you let it. I find when I feel afraid - I immediately look at my watch to see how long I will be afraid for but I don't look at it when I feel like crying. I know that might sound strange but if you time fear you will most likely find that your fear takes up less time as you go along. Fear can be measured and it is worth doing because this is the strongest emotion that is there where sexual abuse is concerned. Someday you will look at your watch and notice that your feeling of fear only lasted a second. I really hope that that will be soon for you. 

                                              When I feel like crying - I prefer to cry by myself. Then I can feel lonliness as well. I find crying in front of someone will dismiss the feeling of loneliness - yet loneliness is always a key factor in abuse. It is better to feel it rather than avoid it - otherwise it could be locked away in your mind and disturb you in another way sometimes without you even realising it. 

                                             I felt extremely lonely as a child and didn't get the chance to experience the loneliness fully because I was constantly threatened. For four years I wished that someone would come and put their arms around me but the group I was caught up in made sure that I wouldn't tell anyone. It's very easy to frighten a child. 

                                            Councelling throughout the topic of abuse can make you feel very afraid at times and some people give up. My advice to you is be afraid but keep doing it anyway. You will most certainly feel less afraid in the future and will learn a huge amount about yourself in the process. 

Kay  Posted: 05/01/2015 21:48

Hi Purple and Angel. I ended up going my parents Xmas day after with alcohol taken to make me relax. Hubby drove... I pretended I was happy and having a good time. But I was probably over animated thinking back on it. I could not look my father in the eye. We stayed for hour. I haven't seen them since. I am in counselling and my counsellor is great. My father wasn't the only man who abused me and I've spent a number of years dealing with that abuse before I started having flashbacks of my father abusing me. I am struggling big time with dealing with my father and what he did to me. I had to spend a long time actually believing he did those things to me and even now some days I convince myself I'm making it up. But then I look at everything I feel and remember and know I'm not wrong. 

Thanks for reply to my post again. 

purple  Posted: 03/01/2015 22:20

hi kay

i feel for u i really do, i no what its like to have a paedophile in the family, on my husband side his cousin is 1, he got out of prision just october gone, what i will never understand is y my mother inlaw new for years b4 he was sent down, she kept it from us for years, an my boys who are 25 an 20 now, wen they were young an my kids were in her house he would be there, we never new what he had done, , it came out 7 years ago, i was disgusted, i asked my mother inlaw how could u, your own grandkids, now he didnt touch them, TG,, my mother inaw would except calls from the prision from him, an 1 day i answered, i said its the pedo, i was told by her not to call him that, me an my hubby went home, iv told my mother inlaw dont mention his name to me he is a disgusting bastard, people like them should never be let out of prision, i dont care wat the saying is do the crime u do yr time an forgive no way, , xx

Angel   Posted: 03/01/2015 16:06

Dear Kay, I have a long story to tell as well about my father. I was involved in satanists who still exist today. I would love to post what they did to me but it would be totally inappropriate and I don't want to frighten anyone. I just want to concentrate on your post at the moment. 

                                       I know your kids love their cousins but I would have sent just your husband with your kids. Why should you have to put yourself through this torture? It is clear that you are not ready for this yet but you could be some time in the future. For now - avoid situations like this and get some really good counselling. Get yourself to the stage where you feel so brave that you can look anyone in the eye and not be afraid. That's the stage I'm at at the moment but it took me five years to get to this stage. I found wonderful people (and there are many out there) who helped me through this journey so well. I've become afraid of nothing - not even the big black spiders that used to make me shiver in my boots! I could actually pick one up now and put it outside the door. 

                                      Take your dead ease. Remember we live forever - not for a short time. 

Kay  Posted: 24/12/2014 09:53

Hi all. Don't know if anyone will reply to this comment but I have to say it. My anxiety levels are through the roof. I'm expected to go to my parents house Xmas day evening with my husband and kids and pretend everything is normal when all I want to do is scream, panic and run out of their house and away from my racing thoughts. To try and sit in the same room as my paedophile father without making eye contact is sending my anxiety through roof. 

Spent the last year in therapy trying to admit he abused me sexually and realise I'm not making it up. I know I shouldn't their house but my kids love seeing their cousins there too. This is consuming Xmas for me. I was extremely sick in hospital this time last year for two and half weeks and almost didn't make it. I've been looking forward to this Christmas so much but this anxiety is ruining it.

So I'm saying it out loud to anyone who will father is a paedophile. I hate that sneaky thing that he is. He makes me want to vomit. I've so much anger towards him. 

Kate  Posted: 15/09/2014 19:32

Just reading over your problem Dave 95, and it sounds so much like my son, who I cant say suffers from just anxiety, he has dyspraxia very mild dyspraxia but with it has suffered from social anxiety a long time.  He had to change to course in college and is just not settling in at all, no-one really talks to him and its a bit lonely walking around all day on your own,  He does have one or two friends but one of them is now working and doing more things and he wouldn't see him as much.If you lived in Dublin I would love the two of you to get together even if to play a bit of football or whatever, that miught sound a bit mad but life is short and you may help each other.  god knows. I do hope that even if you didn't meet him, you find some peace and calm and contentment. 

Kay  Posted: 03/09/2014 22:08

Dave 95. I really feel for you.  Anxiety can be such a powerful negative force and feel like its taking us over sometimes.  I had anxiety at your age too.  I still do and im 45. But what i have learned and it took me a long time to realise it.  Its this....anxiety is horrible, restricting, very scarey and sometimes rules our life...but i have come to realise that it can'nt hurt me.  Its a feeling, an emotion all be it a strong one.  This morning I had anxiety going to work.  I was very tired, not sleeping great, but the thoughts of spending the day in work seemed almost the past I would have given into it and phoned in sick to work but now I meet anxiety head on.  I tell myself that I am going to work, there is nothing dangerous there and this is just a feeling with no real belonging to a simple thing like going to work in a job i have worked at for 6 years.  So I go to work and talk to myself in my head saying things like...its ok, I am safe and I will be home in a couple of hours.  when i get to work im ok.  i get busy and it passes.  in the past if i had phoned in sick then the anxiety would increase and i would feel so bad about myself for being anxious over silly small things.  with the result i would go nowhere and do nothing. my world became very small and my self esteem would hit an all time low.  then it goes into a circle much like the one you feel you  are in.  I would think i am no good at anything and no one liked me.  But most of this is not true, its just anxiety making you feel like that.  If I could take you by the hand and lead you to school I would.  I would tell you we would go to school for just one hour and see how we go.  I would reassure you that you will be ok and that you deserve an education for yourself and make you feel safe.  Then over time I would extend that hour to longer.  With every hour you would spend in school or doing something you love or want to do, your self esteem would grow and you would slowly learn that you can do what you want to do with your life.  

You are so young with you whole life ahead of you.  I want you to know what a powerful strong human being you are.  You are not weak...You are amazing and brave.  any person who suffers with anxiety has to be to deal with the fear anxiety brings to their life.  Trust me when I tell you that you are the decider of your life and what happens in it.  Tell anxiety to f--k off.   Tell it that you dont need it and dont want it. If you hear that voice in your head saying "I cannt go in there" or "I am too scared to do that even though I want to" tell that voice to get the F--k lost.  I know its hard to do these things when anxiety feels so powerful at times but with practice you will begin to believe in yourself.

Sorry for rambling and for some colourful strong language above but I wish I could take away your anxiety so that you can live your life with enjoyment the way you deserve.   

Dave95  Posted: 28/08/2014 21:43

I'm really struggling with my anxiety. I dropped out of 6th year in November 2013 and now I'm enrolled to go back and do the leaving cert this year. I was supposed to be in today but it ended up being just like before, looking for any excuse not to go in. I know if i do go in i'll be sitting there with no friends, sweating bucket loads and it will just be torture, as much as i want to finish school and go to college, i just cant bring myself to do it. Not only is it the fear of being made fun of etc, but im afraid i might fail or struggle with some subjects meaning the months of torture would be for nothing. I feel sick every time i think about going into the place, and my parents dont seem to understand what im going through. I feel like everyone from my old 6th year from last year think im some lazy guy who doesnt want to do anything but im not. If i could id be out doing something, i hate being couped up like i have been for the past while and it doesnt help that whenever i tried do something like going back playing football or whatever id have people mocking, not just my peers but the coaches aswell. It just doesnt seem fair

purple  Posted: 20/08/2014 20:20

hi kay

im really sorry for wat u went thru,yes my mother was a brilliant mum, she is sadly missed by us all, especially my da, who is heartbroken, i visited her grave today, her headstone is going up maybe next week,I have a picture right beside me at my computer i kiss her in the morning and night, an i have a lovely table with her picture on it in the living room,

Kay  Posted: 20/08/2014 00:16

Purple, I think your sadness over your mam is a great reflection on how good your relationship was with her.  If I can give you any consolation its have good memories of your mam and she obviously did a good job with raising you as a loving mother if you feel how you do now shes gone.  My mother is anything but loving and caring.  she is the most selfish woman I have ever known.  She was nasty and cruel as me and my sister growing up.  She was quick with her hand and cruel nasty remarks.  She gave me a life of fear and uncertainty.  She damaged me and my sister and me with her suicidal threats all through my life.  She still tries to manipulate me with her guilt trips.  My father sexually abused me when i was a child but i cannot tell anyone because everyone thinks he is a saint.  Im 45 years old and I am only now finding the courage to distance myself from my parents.  I could write a book with the things they both put me through as a child.  Maybe some day I will.  I suppose what I am trying to say is I think its great you had such a good relationship with your mam.  I think you were very lucky and blessed to have her as your mother.  I know it doesnt make it any easier now that she has passed away but take comfort in knowing she was the kind of mother that a mother should be. Thoughts are with you xx

Tom, hope you are doing ok.  I hear your worry and anxiety in your posts.  I hear you Tom and understand what you feel.  You are not alone in this. You always have my support here on this forum.  Take it one day at a time.  Try not to be afraid of it, although i know its difficult when its all consuming.  But you will feel better soon.  It will change.   

purple  Posted: 18/08/2014 21:35

hi kay

thats so much for yr kinds words,my mum is 7 months gone this wednesday the 20th, im so so broken hearted that she is gone, my husband and boys are wounderful with me, I was very emotional satruday night , between grief and menpause, up at the hospital today with my son, , my mum died in beaumont, it's hard for me to go to tthat hospital, but i go, i felt panicy today and asked my mum please ma get me true today and she did, these few months have been a toll on all my family especially my poor dad, who is heart broken that my ma is gone. thanks again kay

Tom  Posted: 18/08/2014 13:44


thanks  for post.

Anxiety reallly up there this morning. Feeling really getting the better of me, feel really out of sorts.

Yes   I know there arte really acute phases and we have to be strong, forgotten how to do that 

Writing is helpful

hope youare ok

Thanks for support Tom

Kay  Posted: 15/08/2014 20:45

Hi Tom, the writing is great. I sometimes forget to do it.  so when you said it you reminded me how i am always saying how effective it is but somehow forget to follow my own advice.  Anyway, you seem to have a lot of worries right now. It can feel overwhelming sometimes.  But somehow we have to keep focused and know this phase will pass.  It always does.  I know when I am worried about money my anxiety escalates.  Money doesnt buy happiness? isnt that what the saying is? Well it migh tnot buy happinness long term but it certainly does make you feel more secure.  You are doing great Tom, I am delighted you are talking on here and letting some of your worries out.  Do you have any close personal friends who you could talk to?  Although I know unless theyve been where we are then they wont totally get it.  I will always reply to you Tom.  I promise. 

Purple...bloody hell no wonder you felt anxiety and panic on the morning of your mothers funeral.. I think anyone would feel huge anxiety at a time like this. Your going through a traumatic time so be kind to yourself.  Talk, talk, talk...tell someone how you feel.  Even on this forum.  Tell someone and dont keep it in.  I expect you will be feeling out of sorts for some time after your mams funeral and this is normal too.  But its ok to feel crap for a while.  You will be ok.  Your strong...if I know anything its that anyone who suffers with anxiety and panic is very very strong.. they have to be to get through the bloody god awful scarey feelings we have at times in our lives.  you will feel better again, some day soon. 

purple  Posted: 14/08/2014 22:49


i had a terrible anxirty panic attact the morning of my mums funeral, i woke to at 3.45am, couldnt breath, i was crying so much, i was sweathing, i new i was having an attack, as im so claustrioba, an i didnt no how i was going to cope with a hugh crowd in the house an church, i couldnt go back to sleep, i was awake the whole morning, shattered,i prayed to my ma please ma help me get thru today, i couldnt eat a breakfast, everytime i tried i wanted so bad to get sick,i got ready to go tomy das, wen i got there i got more an more panicy, the house was ful of people,, i couldnt stand i just wanted the day to go , i prayed again to my ma, please help me ma, as i watched my ma 1 more time in her coffin i wanted to hold her an tell her im so so sorry for not helping with her while she was sick, , i couldnt , looking at my mum wen she was sick i couldnt cope, i was so depressed, da understood, as i helped my da that morning walking to the church, i new my ma was with me, i cud feel her, i cried , an cried, she helped me in the church, i wasnt flustered at all, i miss my ma so badly, if i feel flustered r feel closed in i ask my mum to help me an she does xx

Tom  Posted: 12/08/2014 10:03

Hi Guys,

just getting some stuff out of my system so no particularorder to this.

Feel quite shaky at the moment, everyhing seems very negative at the moment. What is really freaking me out is another dose of social anxiety. have to meet a number of people this evening and the thought of this is really frreaking me out.

Numerous health and financial worries are also adding to the mix. Anxiety has skyrocked in  recent times. As long as I can remember I  have been anxious. Kay - hope you are well, you said often to just keep writing when these attacks come up so that is what i am doing.

Good to have friends like you out there.

All the best Tom   

Kay  Posted: 11/08/2014 22:36

Trying to explain anxiety to someone who has never suffered with panic attacks etc is impossible. Its only those who have walked in our shoes that know how debilitating it can be. My life would be so different without anxiety and having said that.....I would not be who I am today without it, I know myself now not to be weak and fragile but extremely strong as are you Tom.  Remember that please.

Im doing ok. Still dealing with family issues. 

Tom  Posted: 11/08/2014 14:43


It got out of control because of work, finances and the feeling of isolation that I know is particularly acute when I am feeling low.

The  death of my partners brother just sent it spirralling altogether.

I suppose I did not look after myself as well as I should, I can see that now that anxiety and paralysis  from it is only a milimetre away for me at the best of times.  I have fought this battle now for  25 years plus. I did not even know what it was for ages.

Based on past experience I know this acute phase will pass. I am left feeling very empty and almost unable to speak at times in recent days. I hope it improves in the days ahead.

I am so lucky to have you guys that knows exactly what it is all about. 

Take care Tom

Tom  Posted: 11/08/2014 10:17


It crept up on me in June  and July .

I think there is nobody that does not have anxiety on a day to day basis, so anxiety prior to that I was able to handle reasonably well. In  early July it started getting out of control again and then my partners brother died in an accident  towards the end of July  and it has really been out of control since.

I deeply appreciate your reply and your encouraging words. I spent alot of yesterday going over old posts, it was very helpful. It is also invaluable to know that you are so close and that you understand as a victim of anxiety how powerful and overwhelming anxiety is, when it is at full blast. Thanks again for reply Kay. Hope you are ok yourself. Best wishes Tom

Kay  Posted: 10/08/2014 20:28

Hi. Tom. Sorry to feel you are going through a bad time right now.  I hear your fear and anxiety. But remember it will pass. Acknowledge it and reach out to someone, as you just did here, and know it will pass. Dont run from it and I know thats a tempting option but it will only chase you and bite you. I thought once I had dealt with or was dealing with initial issues that caused panic in me in the first place was adressed then I would be all better but it doesnt ever go away completely. There will always be a trigger to anxiety. So do you know what caused this particular bout of anxiety?  When did it start? Once you know that it doesnt just come from nowhere and you know what triggers it then it doesnt for me at least, become a rampaging demon that im scared will go out of control. 

You will be ok you know.  You have been here before and you felt better so you will feel better again. Nothing ever stays the same. I promise you, you will be grand. Just keep talking on here or in a diary or to a pal. Your not alone Tom please remember that always.  

Tom  Posted: 10/08/2014 12:52

Hi Guys,

I hope some of my long lost friends get this post Possibly Kay and Miss Determined. Really going through a very bad patch of anxiety right now. It crept up on me and before I knew it, it has become a full blown attack, the worst I have had for 5+ years.

I felt I was doing ok, but of course forgot that this thing never goes away, it only hides in the grass until it chooses it optimum time to strike.

I really need some emotional support here so I would love if somebody would come back. Happy to return the favour if I can. All the best Tom


Kay  Posted: 14/11/2013 18:58

Tom, I'm ok. I am getting professional help. It's very difficult with my family situation right now. I am running the risk of loosing my only sister. So I cannt disclose to them what happened because I dont think anyone would believe me.

when I was a child my father drank lots but he gave it up when I was a teenager. Mam says he gave it up because of money worries. I think he gave it up because he realised what he was capable of with drink taken.

I know I will be ok. My head is full of thoughts on the whole situation. 

Thanks for your rapid response Tom :) 

Tom  Posted: 14/11/2013 11:41

Kay, I think you need urgent professional help on this one, this is far too big to be trying to sort out on your own or even with a friend. Suggest that when you do make approach for help that you stick rigidly to the topic and working out solution(s) to this horrible issue.

Kind regards Tom 

Kay  Posted: 13/11/2013 22:27

Hi all. Hi Tom. Not feeling great. To put it briefly..rembered my father raping me when I was around 8. I knew what he had done before now but I chose not to face it but now I have to cos it's killing me not talking about it. Him and my mother come up to my house each Thursday evening and I usually avoid eye contact with him and do all sorts of avoidance techniques. But this is not right, it's my home. I haven't told him I remember but im sure he must. I hate pretending were all a happy family when all I want them to do is just leave me alone. I just want to live my life with my family and not see them at least til I work things out in my head. If I ever do. I am going through so many emotions now I'm all over the place. I even starting to defame myself such as calling myself names etc. I really dont need added anxiety. 

So I suppose I'm asking u do I tell my parents I don't want them in my house? They will ask why and I cannt run the risk of telling them. They will then tell my sister who will be promptly be on the phone asking why. What do I do?

Tom  Posted: 24/10/2013 15:35

Hi Kay,

Read your posting, sorry to hear that you are anxious at the moment.

Suggest as an interim that you get a "replacement friend" for example this site to channel through. Somebody is likely to come back to you within a short period of time.

At a minimum thats what you need to get you through i.e. the knowledge that somebody is listening and  hears you.

When the crisis "cools down" you will be able to look at this issue in a little more depth and going forward, possibly put some longer term alternatives in place . No need to rush at that though, just practice (what you have advised us all over some years) your various techniques that help you in difficult situations

Best of luck and keep posting. All the best Tom 

Kay  Posted: 24/10/2013 10:03

Hi all. Going through challenging stuff right now. Plenty of anxiety and some panic. 

Once again I know the reasons. I know I have to let these feelings up but not allow them to take over my life. But it's hard to keep doing this when all I feel like doing is curling up in a ball and shutting the world out. I know that is not the answer so I keep on going. 

Ive been let down by a friend this week. She promised to be here for me and it turns out she's struggling with doing that. I think her own psychological well being is being severely tested by my childhood issues. I don't put too much upon her. I don't contact her persistently. We have been friends for 23 years. The only thing I asked of her is that if I text her saying" I feel anxious" that all she needs to do was reply "I hear you". That's all I wanted. I texted her Monday night while on the way to college and felt particularly anxious but she never answered. Until two days later. I'm kinda mad with her. But also incredibly disappointed. 

She is avoiding me since I told her my father sexually abused me. I didn't tell her any details just how scared I am. I could see when I told her that she was uncomfortable when I told her. I think maybe I touched a nerve.

Tom  Posted: 09/10/2013 11:05

Hi All,

Just keeping in touch. Kay I have exactly the same sentiments as you and since Miss Determined also agrees, then there must be something in it.

I can very much feel the Winter coming in, in recent days I had a couple of physical health problems, thankfully now resolved.

However for me the whole lot adds to the  pereception that Winter is more difficult than Summer times. I am really happy that I have this group to share  and support with.

Best wishes Tom


Kay  Posted: 23/09/2013 13:54

Hi miss determined. Good to hear from you. 

Like you I know what helps me and like you I stop doing them

even though I know they help me hugely. I wonder why I do that.

maybe I get fed up doing them or maybe I am self neglecting. 

I also beat myself up over it but then I try and be kinder 

to myself by forgiving myself and starting again. 

Its all one big learning curve. Keep in touch. Kay.

Miss determined  Posted: 23/09/2013 11:30

A BIg Hello to everyone on this site ,

Delighted to see that Tom and Kay are still using this forum as they have been so supported when I first came on board. My apologise for not getting in touch for so long but if Im truthful I didnt access the site as I felt I hadn't anything positive to add but I really want to connect more with living my life then closing myself off because of fear ect .so I now appreciate I can and should support this site .. 

Tom , good to hear you are doing ok ,Im a bit like you in that I am concerned about the dark winter days approaching .last winter I resorted to overeating , oversleeping , watching to much TV , hiding away , putting on weight ect  so this winter I have purchased suitable outdoor clothing to ensure I keep moving outside and enjoy the beauty of the changing landscapes nature has to offer. Doing my mindfulness practise and staying off coffee are part of that plan too as they are very positive things for me .

What amazes me is that I know all the above are beneficial and good choices for me but I cease doing one of them and I begin to regress,  my mood falls and my anxiety creeps back . The biggest learning curve fo me as I approach the 'half a century ' mark ,is that I dont have to beat myself up over taking a few steps backwards but I can be kind to myself by choosing to start again taking a baby step rather then a giant step  in the right direction.

HI to you Kay , I was sad to read your'e last few posts ,like Tom, I will also keep in touch with everyone this winter and I am sorry I was not available and I did not consider others at the time .Sometimes we really do rely on forums like this to communicate our sadness and pain as we dont want to burden our families. Ive learnt my lesson now and I will keep checking for posts. I am thinking of you and I really hope the sadness has eased a little for you.

Take Care, be kind to yourselves,thinking of you all, 

Tom  Posted: 12/09/2013 11:39

Hi Kay and to all my friends on the site.

I think the Winter time  can be very hard on all of us.

For me as soon as the long evenings started going away, I could feel the difference. Made myself go out for a short walk early this morning the minute a drop of the sun broke through. The sun disappeared fast so I was glad to have done the short walk, made me feel a bit stronger and  better able to face the day.

Kay, I hope you are doing ok, lets try to support each other over the coming weeks and months. Kind regards Tom  


Kay  Posted: 12/09/2013 00:23

Hi Tom. 

Good to hear from you. I think it's a good idea 

too if we all stay in touch throughout the coming months.

This time of year can sometimes prove challenging,

so the support network that we once had going here 

would be a welcome thing. 

Hi to all other friends. Hope you are doing well. 

Tom  Posted: 10/09/2013 20:39

Hi  To All My Friends  on this forum,

It is a long time since we have been in touch with each other. I hope you all enjoyed the good weather that this Summer brought to us.

With the imminent onset of Autumn / Winter it would be good if we restart regular contact with one another.

Kind regards Tom


Michael  Posted: 02/07/2013 20:57

Hi all. my name is Mike and I have been suffering with anxiety for the past 26 years.

does anybody know of a support group in the cork area?

Chrisita  Posted: 25/05/2013 04:35

I was diagnosed and treated for 3 seperate causes for my lifelong anxiety, and these treatments also cured my chronic sinusitis , eczema and unrelenting depression. The causes were  copper overload, pyroluria and histadelia (high histamine which also causes allergies). I had to take specific amounts of certain nutrients and will forever, but now enjoy much better health generally. Both my blood and urine were tested and the results determined the levels of nutrients required to rebalance my body. I highly recommend researching these conditions as all of them cause anxiety. Several friends  have had similar responces also. Very scientific testing and a very natural cure ,with no nasty side effect

Tom  Posted: 13/05/2013 13:21

Kay and all my friends on the site, sorry for not been in touch. I am keeping reasonably well as I hope you all are.

Kay that is very unfortunate that you are currently not in a good place, at least you know the reasons. Apply all the very effective techniques that you have learned and shared with us over the years. Hopefully things will get better for you over a period of time.

All the best to everyone. Kind regards Tom  

Kay  Posted: 11/05/2013 20:19

Where are miss determined, buzz and Tom? We had a good support group going 

here pretty continuously for a while. I miss that so much. I'm not in a great place right now. But I know the reasons. Kay. 

arora  Posted: 03/05/2013 12:07

Hi Kay,

thanks for taking the time to respond to my message.  I suppose anxiety of all kinds is common and it helps to know that there is help out there.

Kay  Posted: 02/05/2013 19:21

Hi Arora. I think we all have 

OCD tendencies. I know I do particularly when I am feeling 

anxious. It can escalate at certain times. 

arora  Posted: 01/05/2013 18:59

hi i think im suffering from pure o OCD, the type without noticable compulsions. please help! your advice would be greatly appreciated!!

Kay  Posted: 23/04/2013 19:02

Hey Creature,  sorry I am only getting back to your post now.  for some reason my hotmail did not show any new activity on this forum.  

I hope you are feeling somewhat better than when you wrote your last post.  I have no experience with the meds you are on.   No-one should feel isolated and especially when far away from home.  I presume you got medically checked out for the blackouts...and that there is no other physical reason for them.  

Anxiety is a merciless force,  she raises her ugly head and throws everything in our lives into chaos.  I dont think I will ever be totally free of it no matter how much work I do on it.  Because it was instilled in me at such a young age, its is hard to diminish it completely. I suppose how we deal with it is the important thing.  Finding out what works for us as individuals.  There is not a one all cure, and sometimes it takes a mix of lots of different things to work in combating anxiety.  Meds can be of a huge help at least temporarily to get us to a place where we can feel stronger.  I have been on different meds over the years and where one type might suit me during a particular occasion, that same drug might not have any effect on me if I had to take it again some years later.  I never got that and why would it work once but not again.  I do belive however that anxiety can be controlled and that it can be managable as long as we know how to work with it.  

Hope you are doing ok.

Creature  Posted: 09/03/2013 11:11

Hi all. I have very recently been put on molipaxin. For anxienty induced black-outs. It wasn't the route I wanted, but the job I have, the fairly extreme condtitions in which I live, and without a support system of family or friends in the same country, helped me decide that it was best. I have also been told if i'm still blacking out after 2 months, I will need to see a Neurologist, as it may be a type of Epilepsy.

I feel that writing about it, will help.

To start, my doctor said i should take 150mg a day. So i started, 150mg per day after breakfast. I was a slow moving, glassy-eyed zombie for a week. I sought a second opinion. My family pharmacist, took one look at me and said "what are you on?" I told her th story. She was shocked that I wsan't instructed to build up to a dose of 150. Also saying, that it's better taken at night as it improves your REM sleep. I have reduced to 100mg now and take it at the same time every eve. All opinions that i got, said it was the correct medication, just the dosing and taking it in the mornings, was wrong.

After leaving my home country after a month of sick leave, having to go back to work in Botswana, my sleep has not improved. I am having terryfying nightmares, lucid dreams and sometimes whilst half awake, hallucinations. I hear people calling me, entering my room and many other bizarre, sometimes beautiful, horrible visions and dreams. I didn't have these when I was at home. All started happening once I came back to work.

I am a creative and from a very young age have been able to manifest worlds where i could play "alone" and safe from the mostly chaotic and violent world, the real one, in which I lived. However, even at 31,  with such a stong imagination still. I have never experienced such halucinations, visions and auditory-halucinations.

Just yesterday, I left my office for my room around 11am. I was only going to collect something and come right back. Entering my room, feeling dizzy, I turned on the fan to cool down, sat on the edge of my bed. Next thing I was out. I had a blackout and then struggled with my mind to get up, but was spinning and hearing things and halucinating. I think I passed out again, not sure. What I thought had been an hour, turned out to be 4hours. I pulled myself together, and came back to my office. I was useless to work, all foggy. So I just packed up my stuff and went home before dark. Had another bad night last night.

I thought this drug was meant to improve your sleep.???? Perhaps i shouldn't be on it??? But that was the first blackout / pass out I have had for a while, so perhaps it is doing something?????? Confused.......

Does anyone know:

1. Can extreme heat (32-45 degrees) affect the medication?

2. Have any advice on perhaps lowering my dose to 50g a night.? (i'm scared to just take myself off it)

I think perhaps I just needed to get it out. Work collegues, aren't very sympathetic, as we all live under huge stress here. They don't understand about the halucinations. I guess it comes off a bit crazy to some who may not understand it??? So, I am even more isolated here than before I left for sick leave. With my family, friends and fiancee so far away. I've turned to this forum.

supawoman  Posted: 02/03/2013 23:55

Hi all and especially Kay, thank you for both your postings particularly your 1st where you opened up to share your pain and reason for same and your journey to recovery.  What a brave lady you are, so happy for you and where you are at now and may you go from strength to strength.  Because I went to the edge and clawed my way back myself (plus some medication) I feel my recovery will never be complete.  I came up with my own coping techniques and survival plan and over a 15 year period I went from being an almost housebound struggling individual to a person who learned to drive, got work for 2 hours, went to classes, some concerts and got a responsible job which I hold for 10 years now. Tho I had  7/8 sessions with Rape Criisis Councillor and had Hypnosis 4/5 times, both felt that I seemed ok with my past trauma OR had same embedded so deeply that it was blocked away.  I agree that everybody should see a therapist in their lifetime, it is good for the individual and those close to them. It's like a Spring cleaning of your brain!

So much support and openess now for those struggling with any condition versus 1980's....... Thank God.

C77  Posted: 01/03/2013 21:41

Hi Everybody,

Regarding -Recovery Meetings- they have been around for a longtime and I personally would recommend their techneique.  If I remember correctly, itwas invented by Abraham A. Lowe, an American I believe. 

His basic idea is, not to use words that would describe your feelings or experiences in an exagerated way thereby causing anxiety.  It is worth attending.  They hold Group meetings and are very friendly, everybody attending even the organiser has been helped by the method.

I wish you the very best of luck

BQ  Posted: 01/03/2013 09:36

Hello, has anyone tried to help their Anxiety by using a so-called Recovery technique?

I read about it on the following web site

The appear to have weekly meetings in Dublin.

I never heard of it before, so would like a reccomendation or any info / experience of it.


Kay  Posted: 27/02/2013 23:23

Supawoman, I just read my last post and it looks like I am being patronising. That's not my intention. I am passionate about certain issues and I am passionate about helping people that's why I am gone back to education to train and be able to help people like me and you. I know there are different ways for each person to deal with trauma so please excuse me for trying to put my opinions upon you. My intentions were good only. Kay. 

Kay  Posted: 26/02/2013 23:07

Hi supawoman, I hear what you are saying.  There is a huge difference in making the connection in you head though and making a connection with the emotions you felt then as a child while being abused.  In therapy I had to remember the details of the horrific things that were done (flashbacks) to me by three men over a ten year period.  while I was remembering them and in between each therapy session I would barely be able to do daily things like work mind my babies etc.  Some weeks would disappear in crying, some would be gone in just a state of me feeling disconnected from those around me, I for the first time felt the pure fear, anguish, desolation, saddness, anger and disappointment that I was not allowed to feel as a child.  This is the really important part of healing.  You have to go back to those times with a trusted friend or a qualified therapist to release those feelings. Its not easy to do and we all have to have great courage when we face our demons but please trust  me when you do, the result will be a freer, less stressful, more knowledgable, stronger and less anxious person. While going back and feeling and remembering all the crap that happened is hard and not quick, its truely worth while.  I look on it as a journey just for me.  I have gone from being a stay at home mom who lived a very small safe life to a woman who goes to college, studying now for over three years, I also got a part time job and done lots of different things which I would never have had the courage to do with out therapy.  I was like you too, I took meds lots of them and therapy didnt even enter my mind until one day I was in our local shop coming out when a woman I hardly know asked my how I was....I burst out crying in her face and told her i was having panic attacks no meds were working and i thought i was going mad.  she gave me the number of a therapist her daughter had seen previously and said please ring her she will help you.  she told me I was not in that state for no reason.  she was right.  

The pain and hurt and shame and fear we felt as children was not able to be expressed then as children.  so we carried it all our lives until one day it raises its ugly head as anxiety, panic or depression.  Then there it is, this big ugly thing taking over our lives and we dont know how it got there. Through my bloody brilliant therapist( i had to say that), I know that feelings we do not express adequately about the wrongs that were done to us will stay in our bodies and eat us from the inside out.  

So while I am ranting and raving here with good intention only though, I hope it helps you.  Have you ever had the counselling or therapy?  I think every person in Ireland (in an ideal world), should have counselling at some stage in their lives.  Irish people as a rule have really bad time talking about our feelings and worries.  we can talk about "nothing" at length but ask us to talk about feelings and everyone goes running.   

supawoman  Posted: 25/02/2013 21:52

Kay, you refer to trauma playing a part in the onset of panic/anxiety.   I was abused as a child but making the connection does not help with where I am at now. Frown

Kay  Posted: 24/02/2013 18:05

Hi all, I have posted here many many times in the last few years. Anyone who knows me on this forum knows my history to some degree. I agree that there are different ways to help anxiety and panic, there is not one fix for all. So while some chose medications or therapy others could go the holistic approach. All are helpful to whomever the individual is.  But the one thing I do think is true is this...we are not born with anxiety or panic. The only two fears we are born with as babies are the fear of falling and loud noises. Although I believe our personalities and the way we are raised go some way towards our personality makeup, I believe panic and anxiety stem from a trauma or hard time during our early years. I know mine certainly is! I believe through my own journey that what happens us in our childhood affects the way we turn out as adults. I thought my childhood was normal but I know now this is completely the opposite. It's funny what we accept from our parents and those around us growing up, we believe what we see us the same in every child's life but that's very far from the truth. Finding out what causes panic and anxiety goes a long long way to helping live with the symptoms instead of thinking that we are mad or loosing our minds to know why we are feeling that way is really helpful. It doesn't stop all the panic completely but does truly help it move along allowing us to live the way we are supposed to live. Sorry for the rant but its something I am so passionate about . Kay x. 

supawoman  Posted: 23/02/2013 21:41

I work in a Doctors Surgery and I try and keep Posters and information leaflets on Depression and Anxiety & Panic Attacks available at all times because when I was at my wits end with these conditions in the early 80's there was nobody I could turn to except my GP for medication. Tried this, tried that, until eventually we got a grip on it. Thanks to Gerry Ryan on 2FM for keeping me sane, he frequently discussed these conditions on his programme. Micksor, I do believe there is still a stigma involved. One of the Doctors I work with suffers from Depression, he choose to tell me but I am too proud to tell him that I have been to hell and back for the last 30 years with Agrophobia, Clostraphobia, Chronic Anxiety, Panic Attacks and then Depression. There were no Support Groups etc and one had to go to Dublin to see a could I do this when I was afraid to go outside the door? Thankfully there is help at every corner now. Laughing

Micksor  Posted: 22/02/2013 14:44

Hi everyone , may i add to this Discussion , Over many years Anxiety & Panic Attacks lead to deep depression , ( as i was to find out ) my first visit to the Doctor i was prescribed Anti Depressants witch i took for two months , that brand did not do me any good , On the second visit to my Doctor, the Madication was changed & he referred me to a Terapist , A lady came to my home once a week for 12 Months , I found the lady very helpful i could see things more clearly , Sadly my Anxiery returned , This time i started to read about the problem , witch i found eased my mind , I changed my Doctor who in the long run found the Anti Depressant that suited me , The Medication has made my life livable again . Don't be like me who thought Anxiety & Depression was a Taboo subject it is an Illness that can be brought under control. Surprised

Rose03  Posted: 22/02/2013 07:31

There are a number of ways to reduce anxiety, but it’s important to get a doctor’s help if anxiety is constant or appears to be diminishing quality of life. The major prescription medications that reduce anxiety include some of the best-known antidepressants. It isn’t always necessary to turn to medications to reduce anxiety. Many people find that work with a therapist helps and others are helped with a number of self-coping methods. A good way of assessing anxiety may have medical cause is to see a doctor and work with a therapist.

Kay  Posted: 04/02/2013 21:09

Hi crisi. I do exactly what you do when I have anxiety. My therapist taught me to do it. I write down all the stuff in my head and the anxiety always subsides. I've tryed to get others to do this too, but unfortunately a lot of people think its just a waste of time. I've been doing it for six yrs now and it never ceases to amaze me how anxiety lessens substantially when I do. Sometimes if I'm being stubborn or even lazy and I don't write during anxious times then it gets worse until I do. Call it a valve or whatever but it does work. Kay. 

crisi  Posted: 03/02/2013 18:07

I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder (type 1).

Anxiety can really get the best of me , I can feel like I'm paralyzed. 

I will try to walk or do something I enjoy like my photography, sometimes anxiety turns into a panic attack. This can make it hard for me to even think clearly.

My mom had me try something, I honestly thought it wouldn't work. She had me write down with pen and paper what was bothering me.

I did it and it was a good list of things, now when I get that paralyzed feeling , I write down whats on my mind.

I still can't do anything about it or change it immediatley. It really makes me feel better, then I can go walk or take photos. My mind is cleared ,I've also noticed the attacks don't come as often or as close together.

I hope this can work for all of you.

Crisi Cool

supawoman  Posted: 02/02/2013 21:37

I have just discovered this discussions section.  I have chronic Anxiety since being a young adult. it's been a rough road from time to time. I wish there was a magical solution. It has made me compassionate and understanding but this is cold comfort on a bad day. Hope to chat with you all from time to time.Laughing

Angel   Posted: 04/01/2013 00:43

Sometimes if you are really looking for a reason for anxiety that has no rational thinking for it - see if there is an irrational thought behind it. Einstein made a great statement when he said, " I never made a new discovery through the process of rational thinking." What a statement! 

buzz  Posted: 03/01/2013 10:01

Lenasor I know what you mean, I often experience anxiety after the fact. Sometimes I have a panic attack a few days after a stressful event which doesnt seem to make much sense! I think its the nature of anxiety that its not always (I hesitate) "justified" (but by that I mean to an outsider there seems to be no discernable cause)

Have you support?

lenasor  Posted: 02/01/2013 19:58

Hi all

Anxiety is something I'm finding very difficult to deal with. So many things are triggering it at the moment but I can find any logical explanation for it. It must be some undealt fears kept in the back of the mind which are coming out now.

Angel   Posted: 10/11/2012 02:20

Do you know what works for me sometimes about anxiety everyone? When I have that feeling sometimes I ask Who is sad or scared or whatever? Instead of the usual, I am sad or scared or whatever. I find my mind starts searching then and listening to maybe the news or my kids problems or the neighbours and you begin to forget about yourself. Some of these thoughts and feelings might not be yours at all and you could be picking up others. When that happens and I think this way I say to myself "Well, if someone is scared about something, maybe my body is strong enough to feel this fear for them and I can absorb it for them." This is really powerful and I hope you all try it out.

Kay  Posted: 09/11/2012 17:58

hi Tom, good to hear from you and that you are doing well. I am ok too for the most part. A few demons to battle still but getting there. keep in touch.

Tom  Posted: 08/11/2012 16:33

Good to hear from you Kay, I hope all my other friends on this forum are keeping well. For me doing ok at the moment. Kind regards Tom

Kay  Posted: 07/11/2012 20:46

Thought we were goin to keep this forum going. Where is everybody?

Kay  Posted: 27/09/2012 20:42

Hi Tom and miss determined, so good to hear from you both.  I thought this forum was gone.  I totally agree coming to the winter months and christmas that we should all keep lines of communication open.  

Miss Determined, your posts always resonate with me.  I have found keeping anxiety a secret multiplies it ten times over.  Breaking the silence and telling even just one person "you know what?  Today I dont feel too great" is the best thing for decreasing anxious feelings.  It works so well and its so simple to do once you have a person you can share it with.  Thats why this forum is important for people who might not have someone in person to tell.  We can just log on and put it out there, but gettting a response is very important.  So I think we should make a pact to check emails daily if possible and when someone needs to be heard then we hear and we say "I hear you".  

talk soon x

Tom  Posted: 25/09/2012 23:27

Hi to everyone who regularly contributes to this forum.

Miss Determined's most recent message, jolted me in to thinking that from my point of view, it is most important to keep this forum alive. I hope that I am not alone in this viewpoint.

As the Winter months approach, I think it is most important that we  renew and keep in contact with each other.

Best wishes to all


Miss determined  Posted: 25/09/2012 10:00

A big hello to all of you on this site, I miss not hearing from you all. I really hope everyone is doing well .wonder if your all ok . You guys are the only people that I consider sharing deep down how I feel so thats says how special you all are and I wish you the very best.  

As for me , I spent the Summer , one day at a time and not allowing all our stresses at home to get the better of me. I realise that if I dont take it easy on myself and stop worrying about finances ect I wont be much good to my family .

It doesnt help when you are falling into debt ect with this 'ole recession but it is so important I find joy in my day so at last I am gentle on me and rather than worry about all my problems I am now findning joy in the positives in my life such as my healthy children,friends, walking my dogs  ect . I still have times when I cant cope and feel numb or sad but it usually lasts for few hours and not days. My children make me want to get up and move as I dont want them to  remember me as 'always taking to the bed ' (an ole saying).

I have been out of work with anxiety and recognise how unfocused and jittery I am at times , this really has got me down at times cause I want to get better

Over the years I have always tried to mask my anxiety and succeeded to the point that I appeared to be a very confident person in  peoples eyes .I refuse to pretend anymore amd hope to reduce my anxiety by just being me Laughing Heres to the next week , with hope !

Kay  Posted: 15/06/2012 20:11

thanks miss determined,  your post made me cry but in a good way.  I regularly write to my inner child, daily right now because I know she is so afraid, confused and let down.  You are right, every child should be allowed feel safe.  I will make it because I want my children to have the life and security I didnt have.  As I write this post my parents are here in my living room.  I am holding it together.  Part of me wants to ban them from my house and never see them again.  But I dont know if that is the answer.  I am in therapy and my therapist told me if I needed to reach out to her then I could any time. this is a crap journey.  I get exhausted by trauma and emotions.  Then I pick myself up and get on with it.  I do have a fabulous husband and a couple of really great friends who are also there for me, not to mention this forum.  I have a realtively secure financial life.  We dont have the money for luxuries anymore but we are lucky enough to have no major loans.  I think because right now in my life at this time things are very good for me and this helps me deal with my childhood.  I am extremely grateful for all the good in my life now, without it I think I would find this more of a struggle. thanks again for your post, it means so much to me knowing you are there for me too.  kay x

Miss determined  Posted: 13/06/2012 20:11

Hi Kay, I really feel for you , it must be worrying  trying to work out what actually happened then and how it made you feel. It may not be the right time for your sub concious to remember everything but for whatever reason you did not feel safe and secure at the time. Hopefully with therapy the feelings you are having ,although very painful,  will help you to heal a bit more as an adult . At times like this you could write to your inner child at the age it happened and invite her to write back.In your letter  provide her with the reassurance that the adult you is present and will love and support her. I know how feelings of insecurity and lack of a safe envirioment can present as anxiety and almost paralyse you whilst bringing deep sadness.I wish I could say something to you that would be of help but it is such a lonely and hard journey , I am hoping you are still attending therapy and you will ring if it all gets too painful as I know from experience it could get intense.All I can say is that every child deserves to feel safe and I am so sorry that you did not. I understand when you say your so fed up as it is such a long recovery , so much damage can be done, my own recovery is so slow and I get so angry with how limited I am as a human being as I am still so fearful of life . I know the therapy is so painful but I always find that after an anxiety spell you do learn to love and empower yourself a little more .Keep holding on Kay as you are going to be a survivor of this, you deserve to  security and happiness in your life and I wish it in an abundance for you, X

Kay  Posted: 13/06/2012 17:34

Thanks Tom, I suppose I am so afraid that maybe this memory or flashback is the first of many.  Its so horrible.  I am so fed up with the whole thing.  I am trying to focus on my own advice and stay connected with now, take deep breaths and see this through.  Also reminding myself as you have done and I have done many's a time on this forum, that this feeling I have will change.  Nothing stays the same, and as bad as I feel right now, this will pass too.  Thanks for your reply.  it means a lot.  kay.

Tom  Posted: 13/06/2012 10:43


Try to clear the confusion in your head, you have learned  and shared various techniques with us about this in the past. When you are thinking more clearly, then decide if this was a once off, with an explanation that he could have thought it was your mother. If this is the case then it is not child abuse, albeit it is a very very unpleasant unpleasant experience for you. It will take time for you to remember further and to arrive at your conclusion(s).

Meanwhile as we have spoken about before, control the monster within, this will not destroy you unlesss you let it. Everything keeps changing, nothing remains the same. You will get though this and you will be ok.

Best of luck in the days ahead

Kind regards Tom  

Kay  Posted: 12/06/2012 14:48

I remembered father used to drink a lot when me and my sister were little.  He was quiet and unassuming when he had no drink taken.  I remembered when I was 5 or 6 years old, he had to sleep in the same bed as me because my sister was sick and she slept in the same bed as my mother.  He was drunk, his eyes were closed, he was mumbling and incoherent, he reached over to me and put his hand somewhere that sent me into a complete panic.  I pushed his hand away and he turned over and slept. I was at this stage being abused by my mothers step father for two years at this point.  My father doing this to me, left me feeling worthless, consumed with fear and seeing him in a different light.  I dont know if he thought it was mam next to him in the bed or even if he would remember this but I am reeling from it.  I know people do things that are out of character when drunk, this is my consulation.  I feel anxious right now, very very sad and let down.  help confused.

Tom  Posted: 01/06/2012 22:38

Hi Reecka,

My advice is to be very careful as regards the wine, it could easily lead to another problem. As regards your job, it is very easy to feel Zero and indeed well below it if somebody starts hammering  you about performance etc.

However the fact that you continuously turned into work, you should view as a huge plus factor given all that is going on in your life at the moment. So be very proud of yourself for doing this.

Recruitment business is like the tide, when the economy is going well lots of recruiters are required. When the tide is out, ie the economy is struggling less personnel are required. Try to take the personal out of this for your own sanity in the days/ weeks ahead.

You have as you say lots of experience in recruiting so you will get another job in due course, it may well be parttime or freelance to start with, but that can and will develop. Try in the days ahead to get a positive and glowing reference for all your hard work to date from your current employers.

Hope the above helps in some small way

Kind regards Tom


reecka  Posted: 01/06/2012 10:26

Hi Miss Determined

I hear ya,  my partner got me a book recently "Quiet the mind" its really good.  I hope you feel better soon. 

For me,  I have been told I am being managed out of my role of a Recruitment Consultant, 10 years services, after making 100's k for the company and because I was underpreforming fees wise, I can walk or go through management performance, without even statutory redundancy because they say its not that situation or walk, I have no other job to go to and will not be able to get one, furthermore, I would not be able to go into sales again the way I feel for at least 12 months.  

I just hope to god I will laugh at this in 10 years, 40 years of age, job opportunity of a life time in Australia gone becuase of ex partner legal intervention not to allow me to remove my son from the country, medical issues that have just come to light, a job I am being managed out of without any dignity whatsoever,  and Anxiety that I cant control.  Maybe I am just here in body I dont even think I could possibly be here in my head (just as well), thank god for wine! 

This too is my therapy too, of course there is no money to pay to speak to someone professional, so I am sorry for throwing all out there, but you know yourself how it is.  

Lets try to enjoy the weekend and the good weather we are promised, there is always a silver lining! 

Miss determined  Posted: 31/05/2012 18:30

Hi Everyone  , just saying a quick hello, I had a week of anxiety episodes and this is  my therapy,writing to you all. I have been doing my mindfullness exercises and Im aware what is going on underneath , so thats a bonus. Im trying not to hide away so today i decided to cook some nice food to have for the next few days and that takes my mind off the stressors .

Lately my anxiety prevents me from doing certain work and Ive been a bit hard on myself, telling myself I need more courage ,''pull myself together'' sort of talk but  I think its made my anxiety worse !  Im going to be  kinder to myself this week  and not push myself too hard. I find it difficult when the anxiety returns as I realise I still have not resolved some inner thinking  I had when I was a young girl. Anyone else get that frustration ?

Anyway I just wanted to say you are all in my thoughts ,its a rocky road for everyone at min whether in full health or not and I hope you all have some support out there.

Im especially thinking of you Reecka since reading your message ,i could feel your exhaustion , hopefully when you find things that help your anxiety your partner will start learning to be supportive when you can tell him what to do for you.. Remember you are the most important person right now , you must come first , take care ,x

Kay  Posted: 15/05/2012 14:52

hi Reecka, I spelt your name wrong on the last post, I apologise.  Anxiety can make you absolutely exhauseted.  Your mind is exhauseted running around and your body is being held in a constant tense state so its only natural you would feel this tired.  Be kind  to yourself, try to sit in the garden or just do nothing.  Although I know I have a tendancy to keep busy when anxiety comes knocking on my door, its not always easy to sit still.  

I am sorry that your husband is not being as supportive as he should.  Its very difficult to deal with an indifferent spouse when you are dealing with your own crisis too.  The only thing I can say for the moment is, do not listen to any negativity from anyone, incl spouse, dont be around people who make you feel worse and dont come down on yourself for feeling bad right now.  Its not your fault.  What you are going through is not weakness, imagination, fake or unreal.  Anxiety is a very real emotion.  it has to be dealt with accordingly.  When people have a physical illness everybody is supportive but when you cannt actually see the illness, such as anxiety, then people assume, wrongly, that its all in your head.  Anxiety is merely an emotional reaction to something that has happened to you in the past or is happening right now.  Its not made up, its not fictional, its very very real. But above all, it is totally treatable and manageable.  You are doing well for the moment talking to us here on the forum.  keep it up and know we will help you in any way we can.  Oh,  and by the way, THIS will pass.  Every emotion passes.  No person feels the same way all the time, so when you feel your anxiety is peaking and you cannt take any more, know that It will definately pass, sit with it, know you will be ok, and please remember you will feel better soon. 


reecka  Posted: 11/05/2012 18:02

Hi Guys

I cant tell you how good it is to hear back from people, you are all so positive, and I know you have been through this hell.  I hope one day I might be as strong again.  I have taken note of all the advice and got myself a book on IBS during the week, which is very infromative and helpful so far.  my partner has been very annoyed with me this week, its making me very anxious.  He does not recognise my pain, but has all the time for friends and other family sickness and difficulties,  he says he has enough of my issues, and I just feel like an open target now, its the worse place for someone with anxiety to be.  

On the upside work has been great this week, I have had just one of those weeks that it all came together, thankfully, and most importantly the kids are great too.  If the IBS would just stop the pain now, I would get a little holiday from it all.

At the minute, I just want to stay in my living room and not move for the evening, just because I feel exhausted from the anxiety.  Do you feel like that sometimes?

Kay  Posted: 11/05/2012 15:58

Hi all.  Hi Reeka, I remember going to the doctor about ten yrs ago with constant bowel problems and constant pain.  I remember the doctor at the time said to me, and I quote "the bowel mirrors the mind".  I remember thinking "yeah, what the bloody hell is he talking about".  my mind was fine, or so I thought.  years on and lots of anxiety and panic attacks on. I have come to realise the body shows physical symptoms to mental stress or emotional pain.  I too get quite a lot of uti's and I know that its usually when I am angry or fed up over  a situtation.  I get very loose bowel movements when i have an event coming up or situation that I dont paticularily want to do.  I get a headache when my mind wont stop fretting or worrying and I get vertigo-dizziness when my head is racing with constant chatter. After years of therapy, which is ongoing, I can see the mind/body symptoms and now recognise when my body is telling me something to sit back and analyse what is going on in my head or life to cause these symptoms.  

Therapy or talking is very good but like Tom says each person will find the best treatment for them probably through a series of trials and errors.  I do believe too though that miss determined is right about being mindful. its such a chaotic world we are always busy and chasing our tails particularily when there are children involved.  I think it is important to find time to relax or just breathe.  Now having said that I am very good at advising people to do this when actually I dont do it too often myself but it works. 

You are never alone, we are all like minded people here on this forum.  Like minded people are truely essential to the soul.  it is so important that you know you are not alone and we will help you in any way you can.  

sometimes life throws a lot of crap at us. and we think how the bloody hell am I supposed to cope with all this.  Its too much.  But if you take one thing at a time, try and eliminate some stress in your life, easier said than done sometimes, and keep talking here, it will ease.  Nothing ever stays the same.  everything changes so what feels like a bloody impossible situation right now will ease.  you have taken the first most important step in reaching out.  well done. now keep posting here and we can all support each other.

All the best.

Tom  Posted: 10/05/2012 22:02

Hi Reecka,

I would just like to say to you that I would agree with Miss Determined in all her comments to you. I would also like to add that I think it is very possible to make a good recovery from the position that  you find yourself in at the moment.

However I think you should  try to make small positive baby steps one at a time and try to build them up over time.  There is distinct possibility that your  IBS is been made worse by all the mental and emotional difficulties that you are currently experiencing. I think you also need to realise that what works for one person as regards coping with anxiety etc will not necessarily work for another person. Speaking personally it was distinctly trial and error in finding out what worked for me and it took me a long time to discover what worked for me and what did not.

I think it is important to try to be proactive about your situation. You could read back over material left on this site for the last couple of years, some good stuff is on the site. See if any of it strikes a chord with you, perhaps try one or two items that other people have used.

I think it would be important to try to start to believe that you will be ok in the future. You can leave as many messages on this forum, it is a very safe place to visit.

All the best Tom

Miss determined  Posted: 10/05/2012 11:55

Hi Reecka , Just read your post and wanted to reply immediately as it really is a very difficult time for you and you definitely should not be without support at this time, you are not alone, hopefully I can provide some support and freindship even if I cannot help you in practical ways. 

I am not working full time at the minute and if I was I would have to be careful to eat well, exercise ,be organised at home and  stay off coffee and alcohol because I know my anxiety levels can rise quickly. .But you are working and  also trying to deal with a severe illness and relationship issues too. Alot  is happening   in your life and you need to be kind to you and reach out to whoever you can for help, for your sake and for your childs.

  I note that you visit the gym and try so hard to keep fit but I wonder if just taking some brisk walks or swimming three times a week would be enough at this point as overexercising may exacerbate your medical problems. I really do not want to come across as someone who thinks they can 'fix' things so I apologise if thats the way it reads but have you ever thought about some form of relaxation or learning the mindfullness tecnique as your body is under so much stress and you may become exhausted .

Im sure it  is very upsetting  not having the choice to go to Australia to start afresh. As you have no control over that it must be frustrating . It may be easier to try change your thinking to accepting staying and doing all you can to get a diagnosis and getting help to manage your IBS better. This will probably require much persistence but if you focus on getting what you need to improve your health it might give you some control over your situation.

They are only suggestions Reecka , it is always easy to give them but I am not standing in your shoes right now, what I really want to say is no matter how bad it gets i will be here if you need some company ,You are in my thoughts today, x

reecka  Posted: 06/05/2012 10:32

I am a 39 year old women, with 3 kids a full-time job, which is always uncertain from one week to another, financial worries and due to the fact that my ex partner legally stopped us relocating to Sydney for my job offer of a life-time, one I could only dream of here,  I am now paying off a solicitor (even though we can not leave the country as my ex partner who as been a dad on and off to my 12 year old son)10k with money I dont have and living in rented accommodation.  I found out at the end of last year that I have a congenial kidney problem, after years of recurring infections (uti's). My father was paying my VHI till he retired 3 years ago and I could not afford to keep it on, so I am on a public health waiting list to see a consultant to see if I need to have a 1/3 of my kidney removed.  I have been suffering from Chronic IBS for a number of years which seems to be getting worse.  I now know I have anxiety after reading up on it.  

I go to the gym 3-4 times a week but my stomach is always bloated, I walk, swim, and tried Yoga for about 16 week, I eat healty, drink more water maybe than I should, have tried every lotion and potion that has been recommened by doctors and alternative dr. Nothing is helping me.  I am so stressed, but mainly the pain of the IBS is the thing that has the biggest impact on me.  Last night I had to take a strong pain killer and something else to bring down swelling, this helped.  

I am really desperate here, I have also been speaking to someone about my past childhood stresses, this will be ongoing, but slow as I cant afford to pay anyone, so I have a governmental programme that I am on a waiting list for.

Can anyone out there identify with this, I feel like the IBS/anxiety is just taking me over,  my family are not has supportive and I dont have any friends who I feel close enough to speak to them about this.  I really am in a bad place and could do with some advice. 

Miss determined  Posted: 14/03/2012 21:38

Hi Kay,

I totally agree with you 100% that therapy is worth investing in. I am extremely fortunate to have accesed such good therapy, (mindfullness and healing inner child)  for no cost, and I show my appreciation by making sure I do the work at home that I am asked to do. I hope to show my appreciation  in the near future by becoming a volunteer worker for certain mental health groups in the community ,fundraising ect. so that more people can avail of the same therapy.

You mentioned, in a previous post, that when your daughter was 4 years old you began to revisit some traumatic memories from your past at that same age.That must have been very frightening for you.

I also had that 'crisis ' experience when my daughter turned 11 years because .  when I  was 11 years old  I had a few traumatic experiences .Im glad to say when I revisited  those experiences with my inner child I released alot of shame and sadness and immediately  became  more loving and patient towards my daughter.  Im so delighted  as Im now a better mum .If thats not the equivalent of winning the lottery I dont know what is !

I thought last year when i had finished the inner child work that I would not need therapy for much longer, but I was mistaken, I go every six weeks to ensure I am practising what methods i have been given to stay grounded and not to reintroduce the negative critical sort of thinking about myself that I had learned for so many years.  like you said your traumatic experiences may take a lifetime of therapy. 

For now, each day I love myself and keep my head clear of negative thoughts its a BONUS, keep in touch and thanks lots,

hope everyone else out there is well

Kay  Posted: 13/03/2012 14:37

Buzz, glad your going to go to therapy.  Your right it is a long road but one which I felt I had to take.  I think sometimes people dont think of therapy first when feeling anxiety or depression instead we all go to the doctor to get meds. its like therapy is a last resort.But let me tell you, if my meds which i used to be on worked as they were supposed to, then i dont think I would have gone to therapy either.  I felt I had nothing else to lose when meds were not making me feel any better and a life feeling the way I was feeling was almost too much to bare.  

I honestly think maybe the americans have a lot to teach us in this regard.  Therapy is so much more accepted over there and is considered normal.  Thats the way it should be here too.  If you have a sore foot you go to ther doctor and you get meds for it, if you have diabetes you take insulin, if you have asthma you take an inhaler so why should we not look after our minds too.  The mind is part of us, in fact the mind pretty much rules us.  So if your mind is not well then go get medicine for it, in the form of therapy or some other form.  I would never condem meds though cos I think meds have a part to play in some of our recovery too.  I often thinks the meds got me through the emergency stage.  it numbed me slightly until i was at a comfortable place to deal with my past.  it was like a bridge.  

but anyway, let me know how you get on. 

all the best 

buzz  Posted: 13/03/2012 10:07

Hi Kay

It's so strange that I came on here just now and read your post re therapy. Only yesterday I finally made the call and got an appointment for Friday. The man I spoke to on the phone was lovely and made me feel so at ease already. But I had started having doubts about the price (I too, was quoted sixty euro for an hour long session). Just the idea of spending this on myself every week when I could be putting it off debts or drinking it lol, but you are right, it is an investment and I have to see it as such. It's a small price to pay for what we get back (or hope to at least). It's funny that the timing of your post was so good! You are absolutely right that it is a good investment and it's great that your hubby convinces you to keep going! I know it will be a long road, but things cannot go on the way they are now...

Miss Determined how are you these days? Hope you are both (and all our other posters I haven't seen on here for a while!) keeping well. xxx

Kay  Posted: 12/03/2012 23:50

hi miss determined, good to hear your doing ok.  Ive been paying €60 per week for most weeks for the last 5 years for my therapy.  at times Ive thought about giving it up for financial reasons but my hubby has seen the good its done me and if I mention giving it up he talks me out of it.  I know my life has changed for the better and I also know I have a fair bit to go.  the way I look at it is, I was 38 years old when I fell apart, remembered abuse which happened to me, and almost became a recluse.  I had panic attacks and anxiety since I was 14 years old, thats a long time to be scared all the time. So it is reasonable to think then that I wont get my life back in a few weeks or months.  

I consider it an investment and although I know certain members of my family cannot understand me spending that money every week and for this length of time on myself, I am past caring what they think. 

There are lots of things I could spend my money on but for now, that is what I chose to do.  I dont think its an indulgence but I do think it is vital for me to heal myself.  I know the day will come when I wont want to or have to go to therapy as often but I will chose that day myself.  I also believe that for the rest of my life I might now and again maybe every six months or so, have a couple of sessions of therapy just to remind me or re-ignite the learning skills I have attained and to keep them up to date and evolving.  

ok. ive gone on enough.  I know therapy as you say is not for everyone, but for me it beats years and years of medication.  

Miss determined  Posted: 09/03/2012 20:03

Hi Kay,

Thanks a mil for your post ,Id say were the lucky ones to have recieved such therapy .

I think it has been the best think that has happened to me and I agree with you that it has been a huge gift to my family. Pior to starting the therapy I was throwing alot of 'tantrums'  and when I began the'inner child 'work all the feelings of being out of control were evidence of the little girl who had so much to say. I had to do a lot of explaining to my husband about what the therapy was about as It sounded so weird.  I was completely numb and exhausted after doing some of the exercises. I wrote so many letters at the beginning and was amazed what they revealed about myself as a child .  Im at the stage now where I feel more in charge as an adult and especially as a mother and this has made home life so much better. for everyone , it is a small miracle!!!

At the minute I feel fairly secure and grounded thanks to the mindfulness, I think its important to do it as often as possible and I tend to be a bit lax at times but if Im cross or sad its a massive tool to get you back on track rather then drinking alcohol or going numb for a few days.

you wrote that you are more connected but that is the part I hope will improve for me , I always wondered why I never worked on realtionships and friendships even though Im sociable , I have a definite  cut off point. Still Im happy enough with the progress and the fact that Ive learned to listen ,accept and love a bit more and even more importantly accept we are all human and we all make mistakes.

Heres to the future, hope you are well , thanks for the support,

Miss determined  Posted: 07/03/2012 17:33

Hi buzz, good to hear from  you, and thanks for the reassurance .

Isnt it astounding how much guilt and shame that a person carries around with them after been abused and shamed. A child can close off to the world after the trauma of abuse and unless you get the opportunity to revisit that time and reassure and love the child inside you there will always be trauma of some kind in your life.

The  abuse that you suffered from the 13 year old was very damaging and the abusers behaviour must be acknowledged but as you say it gets so complicated  when it involves family and easy to understand how you  have mixed feelings for them .You have been very protective of your family probably as you needed them around you when you were threatened, like any child would,but the important thing is that you have needs and if the abuse was not addressed then it should be as you will then be able to live your own life.

 I had alot of episodes over the years where I was feeling very low but I thought I could sort things out for myself. 

  I was  very anxious and stressed in 2005 and I finally went and spoke to a doctor who prescribed  medication (which I was very hesitant to start) but counselling was not even mentioned.

 After a year of just medication I still had the same issues. I then decided to pay to see a psychotherapists for 9 months at €50 per week and I thought, at that time, the counselling I recieved was very beneficial as I  worked through the main issues in my life.I then came off medication.

In 2009 I was once again feeling very anxious and stressed and when I spoke to another doctor it was suggested I combine medication with counselling but I informed the doctor I could not afford more counselling . Fortunately for me the doctor referred me io a psychotherapist working for HSE . Once I was referred I was offered the 'mindfulness'  and after that  the 'healing the inner child' at no cost. It was definitely the most relevant therapy for me and I was relieved to find hope and start making positive changes for me.  I was sent an angel in disguise with this person. Have to say it is a very painful process and it does take time to see results.   like Kay wrote, you still have the numb days and sadness but you connect more with your feelings and when the sad and angry ones come you start  recognising what is happening and learn to love and support yourself.

Of course therapy dosen't work the same for everyone but I highly recommend it and if you can go and ring  your GP and ask if they can find out if its available for you,there may be a waiting list but its worth waiting for.

Just to say some doctors and GPs  may not appreciate the value of this therapy as I have experienced but for me it is the only treatment that works. 

Got to go , havent time to check over spellings ect

hope you find something soon ,dont give up ,

Kay  Posted: 07/03/2012 11:55

miss determined, we must have the same type of therapist.  I too do exactly the exercises you do and work with my inner child all the time, after all she was the one who was hurt so badly.  

you have reminded me about the therapeutic letters, which i had forgotten about.  i think i will start doing those again.  I have a major problem expressng my anger and boy oh boy is there a lot of it there.  my poor hubby unfortuneately gets it and its not his fault.  

you know what too, even though I am going through bad stuff still with flashbacks etc, i feel i am living and not being disconnected all the time like I used to.  feeling bad feels crap but its better than not feeling at all.  

i still, like you, switch off but i have to pull myself back and start connecting with feelings then to release them.  I am 42yrs old and i too feel my life is just begining.  but the ones to benefit from me being real are my children.  I like tio think i am a better mam due to all this stuff.

nice to hear from you, kay. 

Kay  Posted: 07/03/2012 11:49

Buzz, its hard to know sometimes if its our own insecurities that make us suspicious.  I always used to expect the worse.  I would actually and still do at times, go through the scenario in my head with the worst possible outcome and then when it happened.... I wouldnt be disappointed.  Now I know most of the time in fact nearly all of the time, the worst thing would not happen and the outcome of a situation would not be as bad as I thought it would be.  But I had been conditioned to expect the worst, then I wouldnt be let down when it did.  But its wrong to live like that, its not right.  it takes a long time to change that part of me.  I have no doubt I will be working on it for my lifetime. 

I dont know if your partner is being unfaithful but giving your history, it would be normal for you to expect it.  Is there any way you could take step back, distance yourself from it, look at it from an unemotional side (if possible).  or even think of a friend, and if the friend told you their partner was acting the way yours is.  see how you react then. listen to your gut Buzz, if theres something there it will gnaw at you.  

i hope you get this issue sorted soon, all the best,kay.

buzz  Posted: 07/03/2012 10:59

Hi Miss Determined, thank you for keeping us in your thoughts. You never have to apologise for rambling, it's great to have an outlet here where we can just ramble and write our thoughts and know that someone else is reading them and can understand what we are feeling. Whether we were 6, 4 or 14 it doesn't matter - we were all still children when we were taken advantage of, and none of us are to blame in any way. This is so important to remember. At 14 you were still a child, and vulnerable and could not be expected to defend yourself against a grown up who should have known better. I had some issues in this same are also, as my abuser was still technically a child when he abused me (I was 6 and he was 13). Of course as the older child he had a physical and emotional advantage but when people think of child abuse they imagione a big scary grown man and a small terrified girl, so I remember thinking, "where does my experience fit in? I was (technically) abused by another child". And I often wonder (not making excuses for my abuser) but did HE suffer abuse at someone else's hands and is this why he then acted out the experience on me? Was he, perhaps, a victim too? Also because he is family it is harder to hate him. It sounds very trite but I hate what he DID to me and how it has affected my life and my relationship patterns, but I sometimes think I don't hate HIM... and there is a conflict there because I think, "Ye feckin eejit look at what he did to you, you SHOULD hate him!" Cry I also never told my family what he did because I wanted to protect them - I didn't want to put them through the agony of knowing this and having loyalties divided. Now I feel bad that I protected him because maybe he did it to someone else? maybe he could still do it to someeone else given the opportunity, and is my silence facilitating more abuse?  

It's great to hear that therapy has been of some help, and certainly better than going down the road of binge drinking and self-medicating. I know this is wrong but sometimes I just want to turn out the lights and not exist until the next day and hope that things will be better then. I dont knwo about you, but for me night time when left alone with my thoughts is the worst time for me. I cannot go to bed and be left alone to think, when all the thoughts come flooding back. I need sleeping pills, diazepam, spirits etc just to stop the thoughts. I literally cannot go to bed until I am ready to fall over and everything blacks out.

Do you mind if I ask how much your therapy is? I dont mean to pry but it's something I always thought about doing but thought it was financially inaccessible... Did you find a therapist you were happy with straight away?

Kay I hope you are keeping well these days? Keep posting! We are all here for each other xx

Miss determined  Posted: 06/03/2012 15:18

Hi Buzz and Kay,

Just wanted to say hello and hope you both are keeping well this week.

I cant imagine what you are going through but I will be keeping you in my thoughts and hope you will get the right support you deserve.

Most of my issues are with mental abuse but I did have only  one time I was pysically abused. I found it so hard to believe that at 14 I was unable to defend myself and I used to blame myself.  

It has taken years to find the right help to learn to be  be kind to ME and allow myself to recover by working through my anger  (I have revisited the experience as an adult after doing  'healing the 'inner child' work  and letting the abuser know how I felt by writing it down or screaming shouting and hitting out in a controlled manner during counselling.)

I am still switching off or going numb at times when I remeber something that causes me shame but it will only last a short while and then I can pick myself up and move on and enjoy my life  a bit more

At last im reaching a point in my life where I tell myself daily Im not the problem ,I am in fact a very good person!!! I had just been unable to build myself esteem as I was constantly telling myself I was stupid and should have known better.

I still write to the people who have caused me to feel so ashamed as its therapeutic and I vent my feelings and then burn the letter as a way of closure for me.

Im grateful to the  GP who referred me to someone who could give me something other than medication for my anxieties.  Ive only started to live and Im nearly half a century. but Im looking forward at last

Im sorry for rambling and Im not sure if i should  but I just wanted you both to know you deserve all the support and love in the world  as you have both been so badly hurt by others.

all the very best wishes to you both

buzz  Posted: 05/03/2012 14:27

Hi Kay, keep posting anyway and we are all here, and good that you have friends who will listen in confidence. There must be some reason for you feeling the way you do. Keep up with the therapy and see where that leads you to. You will have more answers in time. Even if they are difficult to face, they will likely give you closure and a way to start to move on.

I am not too good at the moment, I am having some trust issues with my partner. I love her but lately a few things have come to light that make me question her fidelity. They can be explained away alright but I wonder how many incidents are more than just a coincidence? I really dont know what to do? I know that I have trust issues and insecurities in relationships, and when sex is involved I always feel and expect that I will be used and left, but I dont want to just attribute every relationship problem to my own insecurities, when in fact my partner's (possible) infidelity could be contributing as well. When I confront her, she can always explain these things away but now I am I a fool? How many explanations? Or am I seeing things as bigger issues than they are?

Kay  Posted: 01/03/2012 23:15

well I have been working on the feeling and fear i have with my dad in therapy. Its a situations I find very hard to describe to anyone.  Even my best friend finds it hard to understand because I find it hard to put it into words.  Its just a huge underlying feeling of utter fear and I dont know whats driving it or why I have it. I have gone into it in therapy and come to no conclusion.  But, the only thing I do know is there is something there because this feeling is not going away and if I try and make it then it excels.  I know the mind only releases things at a pace we can cope with.  Maybe I am not ready to know what happened and maybe I never will I just know if I dont acknowledge the feelings then they will only build up and get worse.  

I am doing better today.  i have been doing a lot of talking with pals and on here.  

thanks for the post Buzz.  How are you doing??

buzz  Posted: 01/03/2012 11:24

Hi Kay what has triggered the memory? Are you doing ok?

Kay  Posted: 28/02/2012 15:34

not having a great time of it right now.. im just on the edge of remembering something i dont want to remember as regards my dad and what he did to me when i was little. i have been avoiding this for the last three years but i cannt move on until i have to balls to go there.  i know he did something, he used to drink quite a bit, i know he did something to me and i know it scared me to death.  i am feeling very sad and emotional.   

Kay  Posted: 21/02/2012 19:45

hi Buzz, i was just four yrs old when i was first abused and up until the age of 8yrs. i too buried it and forgot about it. at least i tried to until it bit me on the bum.  i think when my own daughter reached the age i was when i was abused first was the trigger for remembering for me.  when i looked at how small she was at four it kills me that anyone could hurt a little baby like that.  cos thats all we were when it happened.  

i can identify with your feelings of kinda allowing it to happen.  because i never screamed either or threw a wobbler when i was brought upstairs to be abused...but, i do now know it was not my fault because i was a little child, who was petrified, also programmed to do what he said.  you were the same.  think about it.  how could we do anything. we were kids.  you know, children are so trusting, they are so easily destroyed by a stupid adult.  what i am saying is i suppose No way was it your or my fault that we were abused.  imagine a chlild of 4 or 6 years old and think how could they possibly defend themselves from a big grown up monster. its never a child's fault they were abused and no child ever asks for it. but i do understand your feelings cos i had them too once.  

all the best, keep posting.  

buzz  Posted: 21/02/2012 09:43

Hi Kay, that makes sense alright, and it sounds like your sister was trying to think it all through, rather than just blindly protecting your Dad for the sake of it. How old were you when the abuse occured? I was (I think) about 6. I know that I actually "forgot" about the abuse (can you believe that?) for a time. I don't know if it was because I blocked it out or because I simply thought nothing of it. (One of the biggest barriers for me in getting over it has always been the fact that I considered myself "consenting". I know the child is never in the wrong but people always imagine that a child being abused would resist etc but I willingly went to the perpetrators bed when I was called because I wanted to please him, not sexually of course but I wanted him to like me and I didn't realise that this was wrong. So I suppose I always felt like it was my fault.) I "remembered" I was abused when I was 11 (I remember the exact moment it hit me, we were travelling in the car to go to a family wedding) and there had been a lot of talk in the media as the clerical abuse scandal had just come to light, so I think these stirred up memories in my head (can you believe that for years I harboured resentment towards clerical abuse survivors who had gone public, because I thought if they hadn't made so much fuss about their own abuse, I wouldn't have remembered mine, and maybe lived a normal life?). So I suppose this shows the power or our minds to switch things on and off. I managed to forget I was abused for 5 years, and now not a day goes by that I don't think about it. Sorry for rambling.

Kay  Posted: 20/02/2012 18:18

hi buzz. i have a sister who is one yr older than me.  about two years ago, i mentioned to her that i was afraid dad did something to me and she was shocked.  there was only the two of us in it.  she said she couldnt imagine it ever happening but that she understood why i would be afraid because i was abused by two other men so it would be understandable i would be scared in case our dad did it too.  she came back to me again after a week or so and asked me if i knew about a thing called emotional transferal. she explained that sometimes if a young child is abused sexually by an adult they can transfer their fear to another one.  for example if the person who was my grandfather, and did abuse me for years, had abused me one afternoon in his house and my dad came to collect me from there as he often did, then its possible for a young child to get mixed up and transfer the fear and anxiety i had while being abused during that particular afternoon to my dad.  because there would be a matter of half an hour between being abused and my dad collectiing me then its possible to get them mixed up.  dont know if im making sense...i know that exists. because my therapist said that social workers have to be careful because of that.  especially if a child is just been taken from an abusive situation by a social worker, then they hve to not try and cuddle the child or hold the child because of this situation of emotional transferal. i dont know.  i just know im the only person in the whole world who would ever doubt my own dad.  everyperson including my husband adores my dad.  my best pal says she would trust my dad. i do too.  but there is still something there.  i hate it, becaus hes 70yrs old and i dont want to be scared of remembering something until he dies.  


buzz  Posted: 20/02/2012 14:09

Hi Kay, is there anyone else who may have been at risk? (Children of the same age withint family/social circles?) I often think about this re my abuse. I wonder if there were others? Has anyone ever given any indication that they may have had a similar experience? It must be very difficult for you to start to move on if you do not have the "closure" of knowing exactly what happened. Its widely accepted that children never fabricate stories of abuse, and I (although am not an expert) imagine that the same logic would apply to adults. Why would you feel this way if nothing happened? Perhaps it wasn't even him but someone... There is a reason you feel this way. I hope you can get to the bottom of it and start the healing process.

I was away on pleasure but was fairly horrible to be honest - am glad to be back! On another downward spiral at the moment, my self-destruct mode is on. I dont know why, but when bad things happen I automatically abuse my body (physically and emotionally). It doesn't make any sense - "I feel bad so I am now going out of my way to make myself feel worse", almost like I am punishing myself for the bad event, or maybe trying to create physical pain so that my emotional pain becomes less relevant... I just dont know anymore.

Kay  Posted: 14/02/2012 18:16

hi buzz, im ok.  still have that old fear lurking in the back of my head. but hey.. maybe i'll never figure it out.  

hope you were away on pleasure.  

buzz  Posted: 13/02/2012 09:44

Kay, apologies I have been away (and so glad to be back tbh!) How have you been?

Kay  Posted: 31/01/2012 23:07

hi Buzz, good to hear from you. As regards my past with my father, I am still stuck in this rut.  I say rutand its trivialising is. its absolute torment. I know my dad used to drink a good bit when I was smaller  and he gave it up.  I am concerned he did something to me when he was drunk.  This overwhelming fear is not decreasing and no matter what i try i cannot remember anything but the fear is still there.  If I try and ignore it, it all builds up and becomes the air I breathe.  I want to remember if there is something there so I can move on and get on with my life, but I also dont want to remember because then it would be real and I dont know how I would handle it.  My hubby doesnt think my dad is like that and he thinks he would never touch a child in an innappopriate way.  But there's something there and its draining me.  as the saying goes damned if you do and damned if you dont. 

Buzz, your gp wont think bad of you for telling him whats going on in your head and life.  But the bottom line is you have to do whatever you are comfortable with.  You will be ok you know.  its crap now, but you will be ok. just keep telling yourself that and dont beat yourself up about your coping mechanisms.  we all do things to get us through bad times.  

keep in touch, kay.

Miss determined  Posted: 31/01/2012 09:54

Hi Buzz, Im sorry to be so late in replying to your message but like Kay I too wanted to write something but did not want to come across as having an answer.  As  we all know by now that there is no Magic Wand and I  know I will always need some support to ensure I keep well enough. If its any help I went through a year of opening a bottle of wine in the evenings and loved the first glass as it had the effect I needed which was to numb me from feeling anything and also thinking so negatively about my life but then Id have a second and third glass and spend the rest of the next day not functioning at all .

I knew it was not helping to change things for the better but there just wasnt anything better at the time . I was lucky that when I went to my GP I explained I had paid for  counselling in the past but was unable to afford any more and he referred me to the ''Mindfullness'' group run by a psychotherapist  from the local Health Clinic, I attended this for a year and I learned to tolerate the feelings and thoughts I was having no matter how sad they were and to accept ''it is as it ''  I wont lie it was a very painful experience but I did have the support I needed to do the work so that now when it gets tough at home and I start feeling my head is racing ect I have a tool, something else that works for me. I know that my thoughts can be my worst enemy at times and Im now at the stage that I wont entertain the negative ones for long but try to stay in the present, minute by minute ,and tell myself that Im a good person

I have to sign off ,but just to say I am thinking of you,  

Greetings to all ,especially Kay , thanks for your reply , it was so good to read, I was chuffed as I dont feel I talking to myself anymore!!!      

buzz  Posted: 30/01/2012 15:05

Kay thanks so much for your reply. You don't have to worry about patronising me, I know you are lovely and would never do that to another poster. You are wise to recognise the potential for developing a dependance, and taking a step back. I suppose I had a little bit of the "arrogance" that a lot of addicts have in the beginning - the kind that says, "It'll never happen to me/addicts drink cider from a bottle concealed in a paper bag/addicts don't wash their clothes or have full time jobs or normal social lives/I can stop whenever I want" etc... But now I wouldn't even attempt to let my head hit the pillow without some form of intoxication. I know all the thoughts and anxieties will come rsuhing in... I should talk to my GP but I would feel so silly going to him with these problems. Like I was just trying to be dramatic or something.

How are things with you? Have you had any more insight into your past? (Maybe insight is the wrong word, but you know what I mean) Has it become any clearer or have you found any closure or answers?

Kay  Posted: 27/01/2012 23:24

Buzz, my friend.  I am sorry to hear you are not in a good place.  We all do what we can to get us through.  

I have typed a couple of responses to your post, and then deleted them because i didnt want to patronise you.  

I dont quite know what to advise you to do.  I have at times drank a glass of wine to get me to go asleep.  Then after one night I stop because i am scared I will develop a habit of drinking.  Its a tricky circle to be in.  The only thing I can say to you is keep posting here and talking to us all and secondly, if your that worried about what you are doing then maybe go to your doctor or possibly a professional to talk about it.  You know over the years on this forum, I am passionate about talking and getting stuff out of our heads.  Because you are drinking and taking meds at night, then you cannt switch your head off and i too understand that. Maybe it would help to talk to someone about your worries in detail and confidence.  I dont know really.  

I wish you the best.  keep posting..kay. 

Kay  Posted: 27/01/2012 22:55

Hi all.  Miss Determined, while i agree with Tom in principlel about not telling your collegues about your personal and mental health, I think if you want to, maybe if your close to one or two of them in particular and trust them then it would be good for you to talk about it.  The worse thing about feeling like this is the stigma.  these days more than anyother, people are feeling anxiety and depression with recession etc.  I truly believe, that talking about it with others and somewhat normalising it, is a very cathartic experience.  I too by the way suffer from anxiety and have done for a long time, but with good therapy and a lot of work from myself, I am getting there.  

You would be surprised how many of your collegues suffer the same as yourself. No-one knows what goes on in a persons mind or life and some people seem to have it all, but possibly they feel just like you do.  

People who say "shake it off" should walk in our shoes for a little while and perhaps feel the overwhelming fear and feelings we have when anxiety is present.  I am particularily aghast by your doctor's attitude.  It is so important for our doctors and health carers, to recognise that anyone can suffer with anxiety.  For what it is worth, I think nursing is a vocation not a job.  I imagine too, that your job is very stressful, so for a doctor to imply you should rise above it is absolutely disgraceful.  

I am in therapy too and expect to be for a while yet.  I in fact believe I will probably attend therapy on and off for the rest of my life. Some people have to take medication for their illness whereas I feel if I want to pop in and out of therapy during my life then I will.  

I wish you well, keep posting here. Like Tom says its very helpful when you feel a sense of isolation.  I know ive said this here time and time again, but.....Everything changes, all the when periods of time seem unbearable, remember, it will pass.


buzz  Posted: 27/01/2012 11:10

Seems the site is back in full swing. I'm halfway (or thereabouts) down the slippery slope. It's not good. Constant anxiety, suicidal ideation, abuse of prescription drugs, alcohol... My average evening intake would be 1-2 bottles of wine (fruity, full bodied red of course - even addicts have standards lol) followed by a couple of spirits and a diazepam or sleeping tablet. It's the only thing that works for me. I lie and wait for the drug to work then bang - lights out. I just disappear from the world until the next day. I often heard it said that sleeping tablet sleep is not restful - it's just sleep for the sake of it. Now I know it to be true.

I sometimes take a diazepam during the day too, though I find the days are not as bad because I work and have a very supportive and like minded colleague and we natter away for ages about these things. It's the evenings that are the worst. Trying to fill them. Black out the nothingness, complete avoidance of being "alone with my thoughts". I am running, running, running to get away from my own head.

Miss determined  Posted: 27/01/2012 09:53

Hi Tom , thank you so much for your swift reply ,it really is a geat boost to know I can express an opininion freely without worrying what the person listening will think of me. I suppose  you are right and I kind of knew the answer to my own question but the reality is, I have always presented myself to people (other than my family) as very outgoing and confident but I had to work very hard at that and now at this stage in my life Im trying to be the person I really am.I have kept people at work at a distance over the years and now feel I could do with more understanding as with my anxiety I am not always as organised and  focused as I used to be. In the past some family members have suggested I ''shake it off''and get on with it .

I  have listened to nurses who have spoken about there illnessess but never have I heard any colleague having sick leave for stress as (in my view )t is still considered to be a personal weakness in a person.  I think unless you  have lived the experience of being mentally unwell you can never totally understand . I have even spoken to a doctor (phyciatric)who referred to the fact that I was a nurse and that I should be able to rise above it and be more resilient , needless to say I was a bit confused !!!!

Anyways enough about me ,I am so glad to hear you are doing well , Im sure for most people it is always a blessing when the better days come and its important to recognise and celebrate them , so good for you !

I wish everyone else hope and love in there day especially Donein who I am thinking of since reading his message 

Take Care of YOURSELF

Tom  Posted: 26/01/2012 13:04

Hi All,

First time in months I got a posting through although I can see that there have been posts in more recent times.

To Miss Determined, I do not think it is a good idea to talk about your situation at work, instead try to get some personal support for yourself outside of your working environment. Support can come in various guises, for example this site, I can honestly say helped me immensely during some difficult times.

Hope everyone is doing fine, myself I am ok at the moment for which I am very thankful. Best wishes to everyone Tom  

Miss determined  Posted: 26/01/2012 10:03

Hi, Im new to this discussion but Im hoping it will be  useful in finding the  support I need.   I continue to deal with  fear and  anxiety in my everday. I am determined to live my life from this point on rather than let the fears inhibit me any more , im so lucky to have found  the right therapy for me . However ,I sill struggle with the fact that I mask everything about my illness from people as I work as a nurse and have the shame of admitting something like this yet I sometimes  feel I might get more support from my colleagues if they knew. . I dont feel I should have to hide my illness and yet I can understand why this would be a reason not to employ someone like me . I would appreciate any comments you have . ...Frown

buzz  Posted: 22/12/2011 09:25

Donein have you told your GP it is getting worse? They may be able to refer you somewhere better?

buzz  Posted: 22/12/2011 09:24

Hi all, Kay sorry for being out of touch. I tend to go "in on myself" when things are rough. How are things with you? Have you found any closure re your Dad and your past? I think this time of year can be worse with all the stress and trying to organise who is going/staying where (I know I'm sick of it by now).

donein  Posted: 21/12/2011 19:43

in am suffering the most chronic depression that i have ever felt or heard of any one having.

i have tried Cluain Mhuire and my gp but it is actually getting worse.

i feel like the living dead, where or how can i get someone to help me.

i cannot do it alone.

Kay  Posted: 20/12/2011 14:33

hello, anybody out there???

Kay  Posted: 08/12/2011 21:45

hi buzz, for some reason i am not getting emails to let me know when new posts appear on this forum anymore.  dont know why that is.  i am not doing so well the last day or two. anxiety is up and with the media full of negative stuff regarding the budget etc. i have been listening to too much bad stuff. i have got to limit myself with what i listen to or read. my life will be accepted by the budget of course. but on the whole myself and family are doing ok with the whole money situation.  

my old demons with fears about my dad etc are still there.  i am still in therapy but feel right now i am stuck between a rock and a hard place.  i cannt ignore the feelings but i really want to.  damned if you do and damned if you dont.  

i hope you are doing ok.  keep in touch.  


buzz  Posted: 25/11/2011 12:13

Hi Kay the pains are still there on and off but I'm such an ostrich. I am reluctant to go and see about them because I want to think all is ok haha. How are things with you? Do you have anything nice planned for the weekend?

Kay  Posted: 24/11/2011 19:28

hi Buzz, hope you are doing ok. hows the chest pains? not a lot going on here lately on this forum. where are all the regulars? if any of u see this please touch base and say hi.  

buzz  Posted: 04/11/2011 11:24

Hi all

I know this is the wrong forum for my query but it seems like the "safe space" now Innocent

I am a little bit worried. For the past few weeks I have been getting pains in my chest (on the left). The Pain is like a stitch only stronger, and prevents me from taking a full breath. I can take about a third of a breath but if I breathe in any deeper its pure agony! It feels like its just under my left breast and also a small area below and above it too. THe pain will last anywhere from 1-10 minutes each time. Happens on average once per day, sometimes a few times per day or I might go 2-3 days with nothing.

Does anyone have any idea what I should do? I am a smoker (and drink daily also) but have a good level of exercise, reasonably good diet and BMI always around 23-24.  I do have a lot of stress though.

Any thoughts appreciated.

Anon2  Posted: 06/10/2011 12:26

have you asked your doctor

Anon2  Posted: 06/10/2011 12:24

I have just joined as i was browsing and thank god i have finally found people that feel like me ... having panic attacks is becomin more and more frequent and i dont know what to do any suggestions

Kay  Posted: 03/10/2011 18:04

Thanks Buzz.  My dad has never spoke to me with anything but kindness, even when we were ever alone over the years.  He never once said anything to me in my memory that made me uncomfortable, I have been watching him for years out of the corner of my eye to catch him out or even see if i can see him leering at me or my kids and I can honestly say I have never seen him do either. This is what is so confusing about the whole situation, I feel so strongly that something happened and when I try to deny it, it feels wrong but yet I have no evidence or facts just a scared fearful feeling.  My belief would be then he did something when he was drunk, and either cannt remember it or he did something by accident to me when he was drunk and completely freaked me out.  He gave up drinking rather suddenly when I was only young and that makes my suspicious.  We lived in a flat when we were little, my mam and dad slept in one bed and me and my sister slept in a bed next to them with barely a foot between beds.  I dont know what happened but something did.  Maybe im only seeing the good in him cos i cannt bear it to be true.  Anyway, thanks so much for your wise words.  I cannt imagine you find it easy.  kay.

buzz  Posted: 03/10/2011 11:28

Kay I can see how hard this is for you. I too lived with my abuser for years and left at the first possible chance. To answer your question, no he does not have to come across as mean and nasty. My abuser is a complete con artist. He puts on a show for other people, pretending to be mr nice guy and comes over all shy and insecure - my a*se! He is a manipulative bully and even now if he finds himself alone with me (a situation I try to avoid at all costs) he has a threatening attitude, talks to me like I am some piece of sh*t etc. He is nice as pie to everyone else of course, but remember that is how these people work. They are not nice people.

If possible, avoid seeing your father until you have a clearer head. I know from experience that it is next to impossible to overcome comething like this when you still have frequent contact with the perpetrator. I think I was 10 or 11 when I remembered what had happened to me as a young child (6) and I then had another 8 years of exposure to the monster. You need distance. And time. And when you feel ready, maybe you could confront him.

You speak about "tearing the family apart". Kay please do not let this be a determining factor for you. I kept quiet for years because I did not want to "upset" my parents etc but this added guilt is only going to hinder the healing process. He is the one who should be concerned with upsetting the status quo. HE is the guilty one, not you. Please remember that! You have nothing to feel bad about and you have no obligation to protect him. Keeping it in will, in time only make it harder to bear. I know because I kept mine secret for years, thinking that it was my fault for "letting" someone do that to me, and a misplaced loyalty to my family who should have protected me, but did not. I was 6 when they failed to protect me. And from 11-19 I then had the burden of protecting THEM. Why? Don't feel like you need to protect anyone. You need to look after yourself. You are the most important person in this equation ok?

Hugs xx

Kay  Posted: 30/09/2011 18:23

Buzz, I am getting by with the help of my friends.  I havent seen my father since last week, i am sick to my stomach at the thoughts of seeing him for fear i will break down when i do.  then i will have to say something and turn my whole families world on its end.  You see I know something happened but im not sure what just yet.  God i really hate this.  If i could take a pill to erase my whole childhood i would.  I dont ever remember my dad saying or doing anything bad to anyone since i was about 10, but what if im wrong? what if hes a monster and my mind only allows me to see what i can cope with?  could i have got it wrong?  Do you think if my dad was a child abuser that he would be a nasty mean person too?  Wouldnt i have seen a mean side to him at some stage?  my head is wrecked.  He used to drink a lot but gave it up when i was about 9 or 10.  maybe before that he was  a mean horrible man.  maybe im looking for excuses.  I am tired and exhausted.  i am scared.  

buzz  Posted: 30/09/2011 11:38

Kay how are you today? Laughing

Kay  Posted: 28/09/2011 14:43

thanks Buzz.

buzz  Posted: 28/09/2011 10:50

Hi Kay sorry to hear what you're going through. Therapy is often a long and painful process, often things "getting worse" before they get better. Like unravelling a ball of wool and straightening it out to see exactly what happened, when etc... and then moving on. Easier said than done I know! Hugs

Kay  Posted: 27/09/2011 13:23

Havent been on here for a while, been grappling with the constant thought that my dad sexually abused me as a child, for the last 3 years.  it wont go away and my anxiety around this is getting worse.  so... today in therapy i finally admitted that he had done something to me,  i feel bad, tired, disappointed and many many more emotions too.  How am i going to manage this?  I see my dad at least once a week and he is predominantly a good man, but there was a part of him when he drank that wasnt as nice.  he stopped drinking when i was around 8 or 9.  im not quite sure what he did yet. but this would not go away and i had to admit to myself that these feelings dont come from nowhere.  could do with some support right now. 

Ali3  Posted: 18/09/2011 18:16

Hi snowwhite, i meant to reply to your mail long ago but lots of stuff going on here.

There is a group called 'Grow' just look it up online to see where the nearest meetings to yourself are held,its supposed to be good i havent had the courage myself to go as housebound a lot of the time but my real fears are around ppl (social phobia) so you can imagine a large group of strangers in a room is my idea of a nightmare lol but it is for all types of mental illnesses.

Im seeing a naturopath too she helps. About the meds your problem is anxiety so i would recommend tranquilisers like xanax start small if u feel that is better but i find them great they help calm the insanity that is uncontroable anxiety and fears etc.r u on facebook?

Hope you had a nice holiday btw,Florida sounds lovely :)

Tom  Posted: 18/07/2011 11:41

Kay, delighted you had a well earned break. Hope you feel better now. Hope everyone else is ok.

Kind regards Tom

Kay  Posted: 16/07/2011 21:05

Tom and C77, thanks guys for your posts.  I went on hols and after the first 24hours, i managed to enjoy it.  I did what you said Tom, and said to the rampant thoughts..stop.  Once I had a clear hour or two then I could put into action the techniques I have learned that make the anxiety stop. I actually didnt want to come home. 

C77, I too have done what you did going next door to your neighbours, many many a time.  I imagine the worse case scenario, which never ever happens, and get myself into a state and the anxiety and panic build up. I wonder when that stops?  When does the mind recognise that the worse thing wont happen, I mean how many years does the mind have to be retrained before it doesnt imagine the worst? 

I rang my therapist Monday before i went away and she said she had asked her supervision therapist(all registered therapists/counsellors have to go to their own form of therapy every few weeks to make sure they are coping with things themselves, i imagine they listen to all kinds of horrific things from their clients daily)and anyway, she said that I have now come to a valley of anxiety which is being released from my body.  It was stored there for many many a year and now my body is ready to release it.  Apparently its very very common, and it explains a lot.  She said that it will pass, and while it is unpleasant, I will be ok, just to take it one day at a time and to stay present.  The body holds memories, and when its ready to release them then out they come and I dont have a choice, which really pi--es me off.  I have been having serious trouble with my neck and back in the last year, and have been having a lot of work done on it, which also could release stored emotions.  

Anyway, back home now, and taking each day as it comes. I thank you two for being there for me, and hope you continue to be, as I will be there for you both.  all the best, kay. 

C77  Posted: 11/07/2011 23:41

Key pet,

I have just read your letter, you are not on your own, I am exactly the same, let me give you an example then maybe it will help okay, here goes.

I never or rarely socialise, my hubby came in from the garden and said that our neighbours invited us to a barbi at five that evening, I nearly got sick there and then.  At five I was almost ready, asked my daughter how did I look she said "fine" hubby walking up and down the lounge waiting for me.  Then suddenly I said I CAN'T GO IN and burst into tears, starting shaking, my daughter said I was silly.  I wanted to hide honesly Kay I wanted to hide. I had the phone in my hand to say I wasn't going to attend, I felt then I had a choice, I made it, I went in Kay, as soon as I had the phone and knew I could opt out, I decided to go.  I had an evening that I wished had lasted forever, even went in next morning to say bye to their visitors.

Kay the moral of the story is, one, when you make the decision to brave it, you will feel proud of yourself, and two, it is NEVER as bad as you think it is going to be.  The IMAGINATION can be our worst enemy.

I hope the above helpt a little, don't think ahead just take a step at a time.

Your friend C77

Tom  Posted: 11/07/2011 15:23


There is no reason why you should not have a good time.

You know yourself that presently you are in the grips of an anxiety attack, and it not you that is attempting to make you feel miserable today and for the next few days. It is instead the old anxiety demon which always rises to the forefront when  any of us  are in a new or stressful situation

My advice  to you is that (since your anxiety has now revved up)  is to just  stop what you are doing and apply your well oiled techniques to bring the anxiety down to a more manageable level. (breathing etc etc)  You know from past experience that you have a whole menu of techniques to apply and they have worked for you in the past and they will work for you now.

Be assertive with your anxiety particularly today and tomorrow, just tell it to stop. As you know yourself becoming assertive with anxiety in the short term helps to stop the escalation of it to ceiling heigh levels. Stopping the escalation of anxiety will allow you to  think at least a little bit more clearly. As you know  yourself that is when you have at least stopped it  getting higher and allowing it to develop further. The temporary window of clear thinking allows you to think and to face up to the next few days in a more calm manner. There is every reason then to believe that you will actually enjoy the few days.

Keep posting, you have my private email if you think I can help you in anyway

Best wishes Tom  

Kay  Posted: 10/07/2011 12:16

oh my god, anxiety levels through the roof.  supposed to be going away for a few days monday til friday with my husband and kids.  The children are so excited and i cannt even bring myself to pack.  I dont like the long drive there, I am scared I will crack up when i get there and have to come home and ruin it all for the family.  I hate anxiety and panic attacks. I know they wont kill me but they make things very very uncomfortable and i end up exhausted. I would at this second like to cancel holiday but we lose a lot of money and the children would be so disapointed.  I need your support guys now more than ever , please tell me  I will be ok and I might even have a good time. kay.

snow white  Posted: 08/07/2011 20:43

Hi All, 

I would just like to say a big THANK YOU to everyone on this Forum, esp Kay and Tom, for your beautiful and kind words of encouragment. THe reason I have not responded in so long is I am in Florida, but will write a proper reply when I get Back. Kay jst to say enjoy your Holiday as much as you can, you seem like a very strong person, so you know you can do it, positive thoughts only and be kind to yourself :0 will write when I get Back. take care everyone, and Thanks again x

Kay  Posted: 04/07/2011 15:47

c77, I know you're right and i know within myself i can do this, its hard sometimes when the head takes over with irrational thoughts and things go round and round in your head to focus on what you know will make you better.

I do know whats causing my turmoil at the moment, its my dad.  as you know ive been in therapy for the past 4 years, and ive really had to look at all the relationships in my life and see what they do for me.  Ive been through the mill with my mum and am now coming out the other side, ive been through the mill with hubby and sister but now its my dads turn and I am finding it hard to handle.  I dont ever remember my dad telling me he loved me or hugging me so we have not had the kind of relationship where we can talk. On the other hand my mother was a loose cannon sometimes but still i found it easier to tell her over the last four years exactly how she let me down as a child.  i want my dad to know how much i hurt as a child, I want him to know how afraid and how completely broken i was because of what happened to me. I want him to see how he let me down and didnt protect me. My mum sees all that now but he doesnt and i want to scream at him. "where the ---- were you, why didnt you see how much pain I was in?".. I was down in their house the other day and mentioned I couldnt sleep and he asked me why?  I said nothing to him at the time but when I came home I was so angry.  Why the hell does he think I cannt sleep, he knows i was abused sexually but its like he doesnt get how monumentally traumatic that was and still is to me.

ok, enough about me, your hubby is typical of a lot of men in Ireland, dont speak about it and it doesnt exist, the great big problem thats right in the middle of your family.I sympathise with you, it must be difficult to feel so uncomfortable in your own home.  Isnt it very very difficult to say no to family.  We feel compelled to be at their beck and call just because they are blood.  Keep posting here c77 and this is what this forum is for, gettint things off your chest.  I do it all the time, thank god.  I wont be able to bring laptop with me on holiday next week, but I will find a internet cafe and check in but in the mean time i will be here every day.  I wish you peace c77.

C77  Posted: 04/07/2011 12:53

Kay, I am exactly the same about holidays, infact anything outside of my regular routine.  If you read your own posting you have all the answers you need from the person who knows you best YOU,  Keep reading that, if you lose the thought read your own words.  As always you are a rock of sense.

Elliemags, I am delighted your husband is receiving positive news on the medical side.  He must be very special if he can go through all that and still "hold it all together" and he is lucky to have you.  Take care of each other and together you are a force to be reckoned with.

As for me, my adult daughter has come home from abroad, no money doesn't want to be here, hubby pandering to her every whim, she is using him and I really want to run away from it all but no money.  Hubby sticks head in the sand, he thinks if he stays there for long enough he won't have to face anything.  Our marriage has been on the rocks for years but he would never go for marriage counselling, I did.  As I write this daughter still in bed its almost 12 noon.  I just wonder sometimes.

Ignore me, I am just getting it off "my chest".

Kay  Posted: 03/07/2011 13:14

im going on 5 day break with my hubby and kids on the 11th. just in ireland and Im freaking out in my head. I do this every year. i imagine myself having a complete meltdown on hols, i imagine myself being a ball of anxiety all the time and ruining it for the kids, i imagine the worse possible case scenario.  I do this to myself every bloody year and when i actually go on hols im ok.  I am usually like this before and always end up enjoying it.  I hate feelin anxious like this, why cannt I be a normal human being who enjoys holidays and not make a mountain  out of a molehill..  I probably wont even pack a thing until the sunday before because then i might have to admit in my head that i am actually goning on holidays.  need help please. tell me i can go and tell me i can do this. kay.

elliemags  Posted: 03/07/2011 03:58

C77-thank you for lovely comment.fortunately my husband is brillant at holding it all together and stops me from falling apart even though he has his own demons to face.he had second ct scan 2weeks ago and all appears to be clear(they had initially queeried the cancer had spread to lung) so thats great weight off our shoulders.waiting for appointment for 3rd fertility clinic now so hopefully they can offer us something.things are starting to look up!we already have 3 and half year old daughter that gets us through the bad times!

Kay-i genuinely dont think there is anything buried in subconsious causing depression with me.there was some family things in my teenage years that nearly tipped me over edge but i can honestly say im well and truely over all that a long time.i was also on antidepressants about 10 years ago too for about 2 years but that just seemed to come on me out of nowhere and was never a reason.i was on lusteral that time and came off them no problem.

i havent taken any cymbalta in 9 days now.still feeling abit shakey but withdrawals not as going to just keep going without going to gp monday anyway with daughter so will tell him then i came off them.if i get a telling off from him then so be glad i did it now!

Tom  Posted: 28/06/2011 00:35

Snowwhite, in my view you should not admit yourself into St. Pat's or similar as that is a very serious step for you to take and in your current vunerable situation you are not best placed to take it. There is a world of difference between Linden Method and admission into St Pat's or similar.

However if you are so minded  you might ask your GP for a referral to specialist care so that you could possibly get onto the Day Care programme in St Pat's. They run very flexible and worthwhile programs  on a Monday- Friday basis.  For instance it could be thought by the Day Care Centre that maybe you would benefit from say 2 mornings and 1 afternoon etc etc.

Kay is right about meds in small doses and meds particularly for a short term basis. Meds on high doses are bad news and unfortunately I think too many gps hand out too many high doses of meds.

 Also I think you should stand back and think again about the issue of possible side effects. Particular drug side effects effect everybody differently. If you did take some meds and you had  a bad side effect, just stop taking the particular drug and ask for another one. There is a wide choice available. However this is where the specialist knowledge is particularly necessary as they understand this whole family of meds (side effects, dosages etc) much better than the average gp does.

Snowwhite, Kay has regularly and frequently commented on trying to get to the source of the anxiety. Learning and getting to knowing the cause(s) of your particular anxiety will more than likely cut down the "fuel" which is currently driving your anxiety to sky high levels within yourself.

Keep posting and let us all try to help you through this difficult time for me. Try to believe within yourself that you are ok  and will get through this period of time.  Best wishes Tom  

Kay  Posted: 27/06/2011 18:55

Snowhite, your so young and you have your whole life ahead of you although that may seem like a daunting task right now.  Ok, let me say i totally get the holistic side in fact Reiki was the one thing that kept me going throughout my emergency phase 4 yrs ago.  I tryed accupuncture, but I think I picked the wrong practitioner for that as I didnt enjoy it in fact i felt very uncomfortable.  I think there is a support group in dublin for anxiety sufferers although im not sure of its name. try googling it.  I live in the southeast, so there isnt much in support groups in this region.  You could start one up if you wanted to making sure you take care of yourself first, ie dont take on too much.  Meds are ok to use, they can sometimes act as a crutch or a bandage to cover our wound until we feel a little stronger to do without them.  Meds taken in low dosage shouldnt have many side affects so maybe you should get your prescription filled and even if you take half the dose recommended then it might just take the edge off anxiety.

Reiki is hands on healing based on energy and to be honest,I would have had a closed enough mind when I heard of it first, but I saw and felt the proof in what happened me when i first received a Reiki treatment.  So much so I am now Reiki 1 and Reiki 2 certified so I now treat myself at least once a week and the main benefit i found is how much it calms me down and how much more energised I feel after treating myself.  I cannt explain it exactly cos to be honest it seems a bit off the wall really but if you just key in the work Reiki on google and see how many sites come up its amazing the number. 

You will be ok snowhite, you at least are posting here so that is you starting to talk and let stuff out.  The most important thing about anxiety, is you dont keep it inside and suffer alone.  If its one thing I have learned, is that anxiety thrives on silence, so you breaking the silence, will help even just a little. Remember you wont always feel like this, everything in this world changes, nothing ever stays the same, so this will move too.  All the best, kay.

Kay  Posted: 27/06/2011 18:15

Hi c77, look its not a must, but i think if u keep on posting on here then you might get some relief.  Going on meds is not necessarily a bad thing, they can get us through an emergency phase.  I sympathise with you then too, if you have a history like mine, and in that i presume you mean abuse.  Look, if its any consulation I dont get on with my mother well most of the time, and she is almost 70 now. I have to spend time that I chose and a time I know I am in a good place because one wrong word from her can send me into a tailspin.  But I love her very much and while I am starting to accept she did her best with me growing up, it was below what I should have got from a mother.  I hope your visit goes well with your daughter.  If things get too much get out for a walk just to break the momentum. 

as for that registrar who attacked you verbally, he was being very unprofessional by doing so, and all I can tell you is......when people are mean or nasty to us its not actually us they are mad with, its usually themselves and the only way they have of getting it out is to attack somebody else because to admit they have a problem is probably like admitting some kind of failure.  keep in touch, kay.

C77  Posted: 27/06/2011 13:25

Hello Everybody,

Hi Kay thank you for acknowledging my post.  Honestly Kay I can't even remember my tag name, I changed computers closed accounts etc. pressed this button and that button hence no more communications from Irish Health and others.

I have pretty much the same history as your good self and from time to time get flashbacks very brief ones but effective.  Am battling the old depression having come off antidepressants.  For me they didn't do the job.  I know what would but can't want away and start a new life etc.  Lovely daughter coming from for an indefinite period, she doesn't want to and I am not looking forward to it because we clash something awful, when she is around it is like walking on eggshells.

What tipped me over the ledge this time was visiting the hospital and meeting a registrar who attacked me from all sides when I least expected it. I am coming to terms with the shock and climbing up out of the hole it put me in .  Now on Friday daughter coming home.  Anxiety levels are up there. So Kay - Mother of this page - when we stop writing its not always for the good.

Not going back on antidepressants but will be back again to say hello to you soon.  Many hugs to you, C77

snow white  Posted: 25/06/2011 13:47

Hi Tom and Kay, and everyone for replying.

it is a comforting feeling to know that i can feel understood. this is my first time joining a forum like this.  I am 27 now, and just feel exhausted as I feel I have tried everything, and nothing has helped. yesterday i phoned St. Pats to make an enquiry about how to go about getting a refereral to get admitted, just out of pure desperation. I havent tried medication yet as i feel it is my last hope. although i do have prescription in my handbag for anti anxiety meds, but im afraid to take them, the side effects horrify me. I ordered the linden method on the 3rd of may, and it hasnt arrived yet. when I phoned they said Royal Mail must have lost my parcel. so now I just feel at a loose end, as i honestly thought the linden method would save me. My anxiety has gotten out of control, to the point where i am nervous all the time, even talking to family and close friends. Kay I really appreciate your Honesty, and agree that we have to work in a holistic approach, however I feel that i dont know what else to try. Has any body found homeopathy helpful? I feel it did work for me for a while, and I f anybody is intrested i can email them the name of a homeopatist in the Dublin area who is supposed to be the best at what she does.

does anybody know if there are any anxiety suppot groups in Dublin, bar the Mater hosp one? I feel like maybe I should start up my self.

Thank you everyone for your support, I hope that In the future I can help somebody in return.Smile

Kay  Posted: 24/06/2011 23:10

hi c77, there used to be a lot of nice people on this site and over the years some have drifted off. i always presumed they no longer needed this site and saw it as them getting well.  I check my e-mails each day and always post back a message to anyone else who posts.  I hope you are doing ok. keep posting.  I am trying to figure out who you were, but its not important anyway. Myself and Tom, are pretty much the constant posters, and I know for me its really helps to know Tom is always checking in here too.

Kay  Posted: 23/06/2011 19:15

Snowhite, I too bought the Linden method a couple of years ago. to be honest I bought it out of desperation because quite frankly i was so desperate to get well and not feel anxious all the time, i would have bought anything.  It gets great reviews, in fact a bad one is hard to find online.  It did have some useful tips and it focuses a lot on the amygdala, the part of the brain that stores early memories and responses, and gives a more physical aspect to anxiety.  It does make a lot of sense, but I have to say I agree with Tom, in that I dont feel one thing alone will rid anxiety altogether, but a combination of different methods.  I know for me its a combination but then we are all different and it depends on the type of person you are.  For example I cannt meditate to save my life but some people are able to tune out and meditate quite easily, so it all depends on the person.  But the Linden method will help you, it certainly wont do you any harm, so see how you go with it and let us know. 

Kay  Posted: 23/06/2011 19:09

Elliemags, no wonder you suffer with anxiety with hubby sick, infertility and money worries its no wonder you feel anxious.  Anyone of those on its own is a reason to cause anxiety.  I too, started with post natal depression but when my baby was 4yrs old! I could no longer call it post natal, I found it hard to accept because post natal seemed more acceptable.  But at the risk of sounding patronising, we are not born with anxiety or depression it is caused by something that happened to us.  You may not remember the reason or maybe you do but think its normal.  Ok...what im saying is.... I grew up thinking my upbringing was normal because thats all I knew. it was only through therapy that I realised how disfunctional my family was and how I perceived things to be normal werent really when i looked at them. Either ways keep going with coming off the meds.  good luck and keep posting.

C77  Posted: 23/06/2011 13:24

Hi Everybody,

I pop in now and then don't always post but nice to read that Kay and Tom are here still helping everybody, it's a comforting feeling.

May I say the young lady who is coming off meds. husband being faced with cancer, and topping it all off fertility problems and financial also.  I want to congratulate you on being the wonderful person that you are, has anybody told you that recently?  Don't be hard on yourself please look in the mirror and meet a very strong woman, your best friend and a rock for the family.

I have some of your problems and am fighting against the old black dog on my back - depression.

You have great friends here in Kay and Tom (they stick out in my mind).

I posted to this site a couple of years ago Kay but under a different name, my real name.  You and I got along very well, have never forgotton you.

Sending love and peace to ye all.  Not too good at the moment but will get back to you soon.

elliemags  Posted: 23/06/2011 11:53

thanks tom and down to half dose every 4 days now.withdrawals still there but lessening.think maybe i need to just ride it out.ive to go to gp anyway for something else so will tell him then.dont think therapy would work for me as dont think there was an underlying cause of depression.started off as post natal but just couldnt come off meds having much more stressful time of it this year than 3 years ago and i feel ok.(finanically struggling,husband had cancer,have fertility problems now!!!)i think you should be told of the symptoms and withdrawals of these meds when you start rather be depressed again than ever go through trying to come off them again!!!!

though on a positive note they did work very well and helped me get my mind back on track!

Tom  Posted: 22/06/2011 11:25

Hi Snowwhite, I purchased the Linden Method some years ago when I had an acute attack of anxiety. There is some good material in it so I think you will get something out of it.

Forgive me for saying but I think there is no substitute for dealing with anxiety except to find the cause(s). You can do alot of this work yourself if you become the "watcher" of yourself and gather together the situations/ people etc that make you become anxious. Something(s) is / are driving your anxiety.

I think it is putting too much pressure on yourself to expect a programme to rid yourself of anxiety. I think it would be better to think along the lines of getting a package together of various measures to reduce/manage it well which would include The  Linden Method. Enlist some professional help where you are getting stuck

When I started to think along the lines of a package of various measures as opposed to depending on 1 item, my anxiety gradually went down. Identifying the "trigger(s)"  and when they occur is also very important, as when these are identified they can be worked one by one over a period. There is some very good material in the historic posts of this website on how to deal practically with anxiety symptoms

Unfortunately I think anxiety never really fully goes away, the Linden method does somewhat suggest otherwise. However I do believe the symptoms of anxiety can be greatly reduced and well managed, and so there is every hope that your life will get better in the future.

Regards to all Tom    

snow white  Posted: 21/06/2011 21:55


I am wondering if any body has tried the Charles Linden method, and if so I would appreciate any feedback, positive or negative. I have recently purchased the programme, and am waiting for it to arrive. I have suffered from anxiety for years and am desperate for any help. I feel I have tried everything, so the Charles Linden method is my last hope. Any feedback would be great thanks :)

Kay  Posted: 20/06/2011 21:12

hi elliemags, my mother had the same symptoms as you coming off seroxat.  She completely lost the plot for a few weeks and her doctor had to put her on something else, which she has been on now for a while.  

 I also weened myself off anti-dep's on and off over the years.  I found when I actually forgot to take them in the morning first thing that it was a good sign that I didnt need them anymore as much.  I would gradually reduce the dose myself, without telling my doctor.  Even after a five month period I would still take a third of tab, depending on what i was on at the time,  and then eventually i would be off them altogether.  i understand from reading about anti-dep's that some are very hard to come off.  I think if you are having these physcical withdrawals then you should probably go back to your gp. They might be able to prescribe something to keep you while you are coming off the others.

Therapy is important too, and I know some people still have a major aversion to therapy, its like admitting they have a mental health illness.  But, it is important that whatever medications can do, to get to the cause or root of anxiety is an invaluable asset.  Now let me tell you, finding out what causes your anxiety does not automatically stop anxiety like magic, but it does make more sense when having an anxiety or panic attack to know why and how.  It makes things so much more bearable to understand that we are not actually insane but there is a reason for our condition. I hope you keep posting here, all the best. kay.

Kay  Posted: 20/06/2011 19:42

Hi alli3, good advice, i am doing therapy, was lucky enough to find a good one. I am going to try decaf and also a combination of the vits you suggest.  Its good to see some new faces here.

Tom  Posted: 20/06/2011 16:51

Hi elliemags, for what it is worth I think it is a bad idea to come off meds on your own even though you seem to be doing it in a slow manner. I think it would be a good idea to ask your GP to refer you for specialist advice, they have programs for coming off, alternatives etc. Much safer for you to do it that way if you feel you do not need meds anymore. Best regards Tom

elliemags  Posted: 19/06/2011 14:15

Hi everyone,

am on cymbalta and just looking for advise or similar experiences.was put on cymbalta 3 years ago for post natal depression.worked great and doctor took me off it year and half ago but only weaned me off it over two weeks.i had such severe withdrawals(involentary limb jerking,eyes jerking and mind just went into overdrive).ended up crying day and night and feeling suicidal.went back to doctor and put me back on now coming off it again but havent told my gp!was on 60mg daily and am now down to 30mg every 3 days.have been coming off it for nearly 2 months now.withdrawals still pretty bad.have heard sometimes people have to take something else to get off it completely.any advise?think ill have to go to gp and tell him.think he'll give out to me for not telling him though.feel great mentally its just the physical withdrawals.

Ali3  Posted: 17/06/2011 21:43

Hi All,

I'm new to this site ,i came across it when researching something completely different and then the 'Anxiety ' discussion link caught my eye....

I had a quick read through some of your posts and i have to say i can empathise with all of you it's amazing how much we have in common when it comes to this dredded anxiety thing!.

One thing i have not seen although it may have been already covered way back lol is the fact that anxiety is yes psychological but it manifests physiologically so the first thing i would recommend to all sufferers is DECAFF ONLY yes you will probably get a withdrawal headache for a day or two but believe you me it's worth it and i don't drink any tea after 6pm as decaff still contains traces of caffeine which can be a trigger,,if you have both anxiety and depression then it becomes a balancing act between the two but i would still try it if you get severe anxiety.

Someone named purple (Hi) mentioned possible vitamins for depression,have you heard of the author patrick holford? he has been on T.V plus radio and has a few books on the subject,, he suggests high doses of vitamin D and chromium (usually in a regular multi-vit) especially if you get down in the winter time also the omega 3 needs to be in high doses to be of real benefit.

Lastly therapy therapy therapy LOL ! but you need a good one-someone recommended is best also psycho-analytical is the best type i have found as it helps to break down your fears and phobias etc.

Good Luck all,


Cleve  Posted: 16/06/2011 23:29

Thanks very much Tom & Kay for replying to my query regarding Lustral.  I never knew a site like this existed free.  I will keep in contact now,

Cleve in Cork

Kay  Posted: 15/06/2011 17:07

Hi Cleve, well I was on lustural too a few years ago. I came off them exactly the way you are doing it. If you feel you need to take something instead of the lustural then some people think "Kalms"you get them in health shop or my own prererence is rescue remedy, which i feel makes a difference to me. I cannt recommend talking therapy or discussions like Tom suggested enough.  It is so comforting knowing that there are others like yourself and you are not completely mad. You could also keep posting here if you wanted, myself and I know Tom checks in here most days and if you post a message, then one of us will respond.

hope you feel better soon, kay.

Tom  Posted: 15/06/2011 12:21

Hi Cleve, Before suggesting anything, has your doctor given the ok for you to come off the meds. If not I would think again or at least get another doctors opinion.

As a support you could try Recovery which you can get details of on the Web. Particularly if you live in the greater Dublin area you probably will be able to find a meeting that fits in with your schedule. Alternatively they do web based support although the "meetings" are scheduled around American time.

Best of luck All the best Tom


Cleve  Posted: 14/06/2011 22:49

I have been on different anxiety tablets for a number of years.  I am on Lustral at moment but told my doctor recently I want to stop them.  I started by taking half tab everyday, now I am down to half tab every second day for another month.  I would love to get something alternative from the health shop as support but my doctor is not into alternative medicine.  Can anybody whose been through similar help me as to what I should do next as I feel very vunerable now. 

Kay  Posted: 13/06/2011 15:42

thanks tom, just sent you msg, kay.

Tom  Posted: 13/06/2011 13:07

Kay, I know you are going through a horrible time. The issues you talk about I feel I cannot repond to on a public forum. My email is if you want to contact me privately. Hope things get a little better in the days and months ahead. All the best Tom

Kay  Posted: 11/06/2011 15:18

Where is everybody? I am anxious and feel nausceaus. I am so worried that i am going to have a flashback about my father abusing me. I am the most petrified I have ever been. I am in a state of anxiety and i convince myself then that its because he must have done something to me and i am burying it. i am so confused and my therapist and myself have worked on this for two years now and i am no nearer to knowing for sure one way or the other.  I will be honest and say I dont want to remember anything bad, because i think what scares me most is having to tell my mother or making excuses not to see my parents.  I am worrying about what happens if i do have a flashback and the aftermath of it rather than the flashback itself. I know I am not making much sense but my head is exhausted thinking of this.  I suppose what I am doing is imagining the worse case scenario but then again I always do no matter what the outcome, i always imagine the worse possible thing, just so I wont be disappointed when it does happen. kay.

Kay  Posted: 02/06/2011 18:16

Thanks Tom, I will do as you suggest, its what I need to do right now for my personal well being. I am sad about doing it.  Today I was trying to remember the good things they did for me and I could remember lots, unfortunately they did not realise when they were neglectful, the damage it would do. I too would have remained ignorant but for my therapy.  I realise they did their best and I know they wouldnt hurt me intentionally, but for right now....well I just have to be careful not to let my mother in particular push her needs and wants on my shoulders.

When I was 23 yrs old, my sister got married and set up her own home.  My mother then went into full breakdown.  She decided she was pregnant at the age of 49.  After many many doctors visits and pregnancy tests and 12 months later, she had to accept she wasn't pregnant, which everyone including doctors had told her.

Then she decided she had cancer.  I drove her to dozens of hospitals for tests etc. I drove her to Dublin, Waterford and Wexford hospitals and in each hospital doctors told her the same thing..... she wasn't ill and they could find nothing.  This went on for 5 years, I was left to pick up the pieces. I spent my lunch times from work driving home to see if she had killed herself because she had told me many times she would.  My father left it all to me. She would come into my place of work and tell my collegues that she was dying. She would cry constantly, she would stay in the bed for long periods of time.  My worry never stopped, I never was free to do anything or live the way I wanted to because I was scared I would cause her to kill herself. I left home at 28 yrs old to get married to my hubby, (my one saving grace). The night before my wedding she lay outside my bedroom door crying and wailing because she thought she would die before the next day. Her thoughts were completely irrational, and I know she needed help in a bad bad way. We made appointments for her many times to go to a phychiatrist, and she would not go. She said she knew there was cancer in her tummy and a psychiatrist would not be suitable for her condition.  

I went inside my safe head, I withdrew, I had inner panic attacks for many years after all this. She picked up after about 5 years of this and its been ok for much of the time since. which is 15 yrs ago....until last week.  She has now decided that her cancer is back and she is starting the whole series of tests again.  I feel so broken, I could have laid down on the floor when she said it to me. I just walked out of her house and have not spoken to her since. My whole world is turning upside down and i feel like all the feelings I kept to myself during her breakdown 15 years ago are coming up now.  I do realise she needs to speak to a counsellor but she will not even entertain the idea.  I want to have some kind of relationship with her, but the way she is right now, I cannot allow myself to be sucked back in.  The difference now is my dad is retired and he is home with her, he made it clear to me a couple of weeks ago that I don't call to see them as often as he would like.  My therapist reckons my dad cannot cope with my mother and he is trying to get me to go back to doing what I did for years and that is care for her.  But she is his responsibility, not mine, and while my instinct is to help, I cannot, for my health, I cannt.

Sorry to all for a long post, i have a lot to get off my chest.  kay.

Tom  Posted: 02/06/2011 10:21

Hi All, Kay I think if you feel the way you do, that it would be a good idea to consider limiting the amount of time you spend around your parents, in other words take control. There is nothing wrong with this, you are simply looking out for your personal wellbeing.

The feeling that you have at the moment may pass after a period of time in which case you could then resume the level of contact that you have had in recent times. Hope everyone else on the site is doing ok Best regards Tom    

Kay  Posted: 01/06/2011 19:21

Being around my parents especially my mother, makes me anxious and reminds me constantly of my childhood(this is not good). what do I do?  Do I not see them? Do I tell them how much they let me down in a lot of ways?  How do I forgive?  How can I when all I remember is the bad stuff?  kay

Billybob  Posted: 31/05/2011 16:30

Hi Kay, no apology necessary.  You didn't sound condescending at all.  Thanks for your post.  I know it's not the end of the world and hopefully I will find something easily enough.  I'm fairly well qualified and in the same industry for the past 14 years so fingers crossed.  It's just the uncertainty and possible boredom which has me worried but hopefully won't come to that!

Thanks for taking the time to post, appreciate it.

Kay  Posted: 27/05/2011 21:13

Hi billybob, its horrible how many people are losing their jobs now.  I thought it was bad two years ago but people seem to be finding it harder now.  I want to tell you that my husband lost his job 2and half yrs ago.  when we found out it was just after christmas and i went into a frantic mode. i didnt know how we were going to manage. I thought I would have a breakdown with all the thoughts and worries going round inside my head.  He went to social welfare and he received money on his stamps.  I worried how we would pay for food, electricity, phone bill, clothes.etc.  we had to cut back in every aspect of our lives.  But while I wish that we didnt have to be put in this situation in some strange way, we are more united as a family.  My husband and myself are closer than i ever thought we could be. we pull together most of the time and support each other.  Its not easy not being able to treat the children to a take away or bring them to the cinema.  But i have explained to them why. the reason im telling you all this I suppose is to let you see, there is life after work.  It is scarey and tough but we are still here and we are surviving. I know many of my friends are in the same situation. 

I was a little resentful towards my hubby when he got laid off, but that has gone now.  We arent hungry, we can pay our bills and we do have treats now and again.  I put all my coins in a jar after being out during the day and it does mount up so then i can treat us. I would have laughed at someone saving coins in a jar a few years ago, but now its our something to look forward to jar. 

remember practically every person in the country right now is affected by unemployment and cutbacks.  But we are all doing our best.  so will you. once you get over the shock you will take the steps you need to arrange finances and loans and you will be ok.  a lot of people are going back to school or college and getting aid from fas or social welfare.  its a way of passing time and getting a qualification also..just an idea.  keep positive and remember post here whenever it gets too much for you. kay.

p.s. i dont mean to sound condescending, so I hope i dont, i just want you to see the light at the end of the tunnel, cos there is one. 

Billybob  Posted: 26/05/2011 15:13

In exact same place here with anxiety levels increasing daily!  Losing my job next month after 14 years with same organisation.  Never been unemployed since leaving school and am absolutely terrified at the thoughts of it.  I hope my various addictions don't start acting up!

Kay  Posted: 24/05/2011 14:19

hi Buzz, why are your anxiety levels rising now?  There has to be a cause or reason.  If it is not obvious to you straight away then you need to sit down and write or talk to yourself even and find out what is going on.  I know its not easy and sometimes its hard to pinpoint what exactly is driving anxiety, but please trust me, there is always a reason.  so find it, if you can, and see why or how this thing is bothering you .  I know even sometimes its a pain in the butt trying to figure out whats driving anxiety but its worth sticking with it to see. 

Now in a few weeks or so, when I might be feeling anxious I will probably have to be reminded by you here, to do exactly the same as I am telling you to do right now.  I think though when we are feeling anxious all our practical ways of dealing with it go out the window and we are sometimes consumed by the anxiety itself so therefore unable to focus and see what it is that is wrong.

Like i have said a lot here before, we are not born to this world feeling anxious or depressed.  While I believe some people are more susceptable to anxiety due to personality etc, I do believe too that anxiety is caused and is a symptom of something not an illness itsself.  hope I was of some help Buzz, but the bottom line is this will pass.Nothing stays the same ever, without exception, this will pass.  Go with it let it pass, dont fight it because the harder you fight it the harder it will fight back.  Just say to yourself, this is just an emotion and while it may be horrible, emotions dont kill, they make you feel crap sometimes but they dont kill.  You are safe, remember that. 

buzz  Posted: 24/05/2011 11:25

Think I am going crazy. Anxiety is getting too much. Is there nothing to stop this feeling?

Kay  Posted: 19/05/2011 17:16

Hi Tom, thanks for the post. I am feeling very very sad.  I am tired of remembering bad stuff, I know I will be ok. I am using my tools.  I am writting but I probably should talk a bit more.  I just find it so incredibly sad that as a child I had to feel so very frightened permanently growing up.  I know there are loads like me, and I feel for them too.  I suppose I am grieving right now. 

I think one day, I will write a book, maybe I wont.  I want to help people like me, realise they can get through bad times and although it may not seem like it, I believe all things happen for a reason and I believe the reason I am going through all this right now, is to help in some way, shape or form somebody else who is where I was. 

Tom, nothing stays the same, everything constantly changes, so your mood will change too.  You may feel bad for a day or two, but as long as you talk or write about how you feel, it will be released.  NOW......I should take a leaf out of my own book.  talk soon, Tom, all the best.

Tom  Posted: 19/05/2011 11:50

Hi Kay and to all my friends on this site.

It would be a great pity if this site ceased to exist, but it is all down to us. I know I should have been more attentive to it in recent times and I will try harder in the forthcoming months.

To Kay, we have had numerous posts between us over the last number of years. I sense your mood is down at the moment from your latest post. This is not a great place for anybody to be, but I think it is fraught with danger for all of us with anxiety /  depressive related issues.

You do not need me to tell you this  as you know yourself that it is important to move away from these troubled waters to more calm waters. You need to use your toolkit, ie the items that work for you to do so. Many of these toolkit items you have shared with us over the years and I for one very much benefitted from your wisdom.

Take care of yourself over the coming days and weeks and continue to post as and when you feel the need.

For me a bit shaky in the last couple of days but seem to be better today.

All the best to everyone. Tom 

Kay  Posted: 17/05/2011 17:11

Hi all, this forum seems to fizzling out, pity.  Thought I was done with flashbacks, how much can one person take?  I am not in the best place, I know I will be ok, but right now I feel disappointed and sad that I had such a shitty childhood, robbed of my innocence, used by rotten evil adults and not seen for the beautiful child I was.Frown

buzz  Posted: 14/04/2011 09:50

Hi Kay, glad you treated yourself! I don't think I am qualified to dispense relationship advice given my dire record lol but I will say, having spent 3 years of a five year relationship knowing in my heart of hearts that I wanted to leave, but not having the courage, you will eventually find the push to make you go, but only IF it is the right decision. It may not be the right decision for you. Only you can know this and I know that sounds like such a ridiculous platitude but it really is true. I knew my friends all hated my ex, that they thought she was controlling and manipulative and a complete drain on me financially, emotionally (and indeed physically as the running of the house was always left to me) but no matter how obvious their feelings were on the issue, I didn't leave until I was ready and I knew it was the right decision for me. Maybe you are waiting for the right time, or maybe deep down you know that things can be worked out and that staying is the right decision for you. Either way, you will know. Believe that you will know the right decision to make.

Relationships always change us. Crossing paths with someone, altering the path of our lives and setting up "camp" with someone else will always change us. For the better or for the worse. I think all change is good. I know I am stronger now that I was before I met my ex. Perhaps some will say I am more cynical, but I'm not bitter, and I will certainly know not to expose myself to that type of relationship in the future. We take whatever good we can out of the experiences we've had.

I am in a better place than before though I still miss my sidekick like crazy. Only last night I broke down looking at photos of her and just sitting holding her cuddly toys. I felt completely ripped apart. Sometimes I sit on the floor in my bedroom and just hold one of her blankets to my face. Her smell still lingers on them. It's not a bad smell, just a distinctively doggy smell with the vague hint of talcum powder. I try so hard to recollect the feel of her fur, her wet nose and even last night I could have sworn I heard her whining for my attention (that was what set me off actually). But I have learned that there is nothing for it but to accept the pain, feel it and then get up and continue with my life. Sometimes I find myself laughing with friends and I feel guilty admitting that since she died, I have still on occasion been able to laugh so hard my sides hurt. Other times I feel really blue and I just about "funtion". I think to myself, "I am actually never going to see her again, never come home to her with a bear in my bag or  a chomp bar in my pocket, never put my hand out of the bed during the night and feel the top of her head to make sure she is ok". It hits me like a sledgehammer and I wonder how I am still standing, other times I find peace knowing that she is not sick anymore, that she had a good, full life and knew she was loved, and I cling to the hope that maybe someday we will meet again. I know that I just need to get through the day, and miss her like crazy, but that maybe the next day wont be so bad. I think that sometimes the mistake we make with grief is that we expect to return to our previous state eventually. It's an Americanism I suppose, but there is such emphasis on "getting over" something. Almost like we are supposed to grieve, recover and go back to who we were. Things are clearer when we realise that we will never be the same person. We learn to live with it and to function. Then we learn to be happy again. But we are never the same. Our lives have changed. It's the same with relationships I suppose, like what you said. We can only go forward.

Have also started seeing someone else, though it is very early days! Still, I really like her and have a good feeling about it. I have to keep pinching myself ha ha. She is so beautiful inside and out. I think, God I would have missed this had I stayed with my ex!

You will know the right thing to do Kay. You are a smart woman who is invested in her family and wants to make things work. Keep us updated!!! Hugs

Kay  Posted: 12/04/2011 22:25

hi Buzz, yes I did buy myself something nice.  I have just finished my third module for childcare also, so im feeling good about that.  I know the issues with hubby are far from over but for the moment things are ok.  You know, sometimes i wonder why people stay in relationships that have problems but then I realise that every person has problems or issues of some sort and no two people living together whether married or not, will not always agree on the same things  and hence conflict raises its ugly head.  Does it make us grow as humans? I hope so.  How much is enough though?  when do you know its time to leave?  Should I leave a relationship in which I do love my hubby but am I respected by him?  sometimes I doubt it.

You seem to be in a good place right now.  I hope that is true.  By all means tell your friend to join the forum.  Its exactly what its for.  If he just wants to observe that would be ok too until he gets comfortable with joining.  all the best Buzz, kay.

buzz  Posted: 11/04/2011 15:15

Jean so sorry to hear you have been having such a tough time. We are all here for you. I imagine that losing your little dog probably exacerbated the situation for you too. It's terrible Frown Have you been able to leave the house yet? I have a close friend who is suffering really badly too at the moment with panic attacks (ende dup missing some of his final year exams) - is it a bad time of year/. I know people say winter is "darker" but I always found the brighter days harder when things are tough.. Undecided

Tom and Purple hope you are both well?

Kay did you buy yourself something nice on Friday?! Laughing

I'm thinking I might tell my friend about this thread, you guys wouldn't mind? He's not very talkative about his issues but maybe on a forum he would open up. I'm not sure.


purple  Posted: 10/04/2011 23:32


i been getting very bad anxiety attacks lately, and they are really frighteneing, my heart pounds like mad as if its going to come out through me mouth.

Kay  Posted: 10/04/2011 17:02

Jean, you poor girl. You need to take steps to get you through what is an "emergency phase".  Firstly Tom is right, increased medication can sometimes lead to increased anxiety.  If this happens your meds need to be changed.  Secondly, the fact that you lost your dog lately probably increase your anxiety.  But the main thing Jean, is, therapy.  Jean I am in counselling now for 4 years.  I know some might say that is a long time.  But the things I have learned will stand to me for the rest of my life.  Jean, its very very important that you are honest with your therapist.  I know you had a rough time in school, but there has to be something driving this particular episode of anxiety for you.  there is ALWAYS without fail a reason for anxiety but sometimes it has to be pointed out to us.  Im going out on a limb here jean but, are you keeping something inside that you cannt face or accept?  If not then I will also say to you, that when I started couselling or therapy, I was extremely anxious and panicky.  My life had ceased to exist and even knowing how I would survive the next few minutes was so scarey.  But, if i thought I felt bad then, I was in for a surprise and not a good one.  After being in couselling for a year, I was having regular flashbacks from my childhood about abuse and was coping and just about.  What happened next threw me.  The anxiety increased just when I thought it wouldnt.  I was distraught, I was annoyed and thought "great, a year on in counselling and I feel crap again".  But.......and this is the important bit. My therapist explained to me, that its like opening a can or worms.  When we delve into what caused our anxiety in the first place its like opening a flood gate.  You are just about coping when whoosh,  it all comes out in a big overwhelming wave.  But .... and this is the really  important bit- IT WILL PASS.  This is part of the process of getting rid of anxiety and panic for good. It feels bad now, but it will pass.  Stay with it one minute at a time, keep talking and writting and most of all be sure to be honest with yourself and your therapist.  I know its scarey, and I know if feels like you will never be happy again, but you will Jean.    

Keep posting please and know that this will pass.  say those words to yourself over and over again.  believe it and remember it. Nothing ever stays the same.

we are all with you Jean.  I send you my wishes and you are in my thoughts so please remember that.  kay.

jean  Posted: 09/04/2011 23:26

Tom thank you so much for your wise words you always make such sense.It helps so much to get somebody else's perspective as it helps to make things clearer in your head.I spoke to my therapist on friday and she agrees that the med's are clearly not working and to go see my doctor.i have an appointment with my gp on monday and i left a message for my psychiatrist explaing how bad iv'e been,his secretary has said if a cancellation comes up she will give it to me as i don't see him again for another month.

I have been reading up on nutrition and started on the omega fish oils two weeks ago,has anyone found any vitamins that help with anxiety and depression?

Thing's are still bad but i have been more hopeful the last couple of day's and am hopeing to go out walking with friends tomorrow so this is good,i could do with getting some of this nice weather into me.I am determined to have a good chat with my doctor about how the med's clearly aren't working so fingers crossed a better soloution will be therapist is wonderful and someone i really trust so although it's hard to see right now i know there is a glimmer of hope.

buzz and kay i hope you are doing better.this weather nearly makes things worse as it hurts so much not being able to bring my beloved buttons for a walk but i have to believe she is up there somewhere flying around having fun,yapping happily at everything that passes!

kind thoughts and peace to everyone on this site,jean.

Tom  Posted: 07/04/2011 15:45

Jean, what is happening to you is even horrific to read never mind to experience so my heart really goes out to you. You should give yourself a lot of praise for writing to the site, so hopefully in the days and weeks ahead things will slowly start to get better for you.

My suggestion is to change  pretty quickly your medication. My experience of meds is that when high doses are applied, it is time to change unless the high dose works very well for you and clearly at this stage it is not working for you at all.

I have experienced alot of different meds over the years and I am happy to say that currently and for quite some time, I am on a low dose of a particular med that is working well for me. But I have been on high doses of meds in the past that did nothing positive for me, the opposite was very much the effect.

I would also suggest that you ask your GP to be referred onto a specialist if you are not already attending one. If you are attending a specialist, ask that person for a special appointment and do not wait around for your next routine appointment to take place.

You need a package that will work for you and set a target that say by the end of the Summer you will be able to manage this anxiety and depression demon better than is the case at the moment.

So try new things and see do they have any positive benefit to you. By reading back over old posts by people on this site, there is alot of material some of which could directly help you.

If something does not work for you thats fine, at least you have tried it and even that act is helping you to get control  back into your life (I hope you can see my point).

Take care and every best wish in the days ahead Tom

jean  Posted: 06/04/2011 21:48

Hi All

I don't know where to start.firstly i should have been posting here but things have just been so bad.I have been fluctuating between anxiety and depression for the last seven weeks and have been more or less housebound.I have seen my therapist every week but nothing is helping,my psychiatrist has upped my cymbalta to the highest dose but has made no difference.I spend 90% of my time crying and the panic attacks have been hell.right now i just want to end it all.I cry myself to sleep every night then wake with absolute terror at the day ahead.The odd little progress iv'e made over the past while has made no difference.The panic is so overwhelming that when i do manage to work through it and go for a walk followed by a dvd with a friend i wake up exhausted and totally depressed with no interest in anything.i have a yard full of beautiful horses whom i love and yet have not ridden for 6 weeks,i either get major panic attacks because there are people around and this terrifies me or i just lay on my bed totally uninterested.i feel so selfish and so confused that i am neglecting my horses in this matter what i do this viscious cycle never seems to end.i may come out of it for a short while but each time it comes back it seems worse than's so hard because i go through such hard work and physical pain and just when iv'e got everything going again i fall apart.i don't know what to do or if things can possibly ever get to a stage where i can control my panic better and my depression will stop hitting to such a degree that i can't carry on.

buzz i am so sorry to read that u lost your beautiful dog.i know she meant the world to you and my heart goes out to you at this time.three weeks ago my lil yorkie buttons got run over in my own drive way and it broke my heart.not only did she fill me with such love but every morning she jumped on my bed full of kisses,when id be lying on the couch totally depressed she would bring in teddy for me to throw to her and in this nice weather she would get me out of the house by going on fun walks together.people are saying i should get another dog but i loved her so much so i can unerstand some of the pain you are going through and just hope that time heals for both of us.

kay sorry to see that you are going through a tough thoughts are with you and i hope you resolve it soon.

i am very tired so going to try and get some sleep,to all on this site i send u my best wishes and kind thoughts


p.s Through all of this hell and with the help of a very good friend i managed to make it to the church for my god daughter's christening which was huge as up until the last moment i didn't think i could go i was filled with such panic. I am trying to feel proud of this achievement but instead feel nothing.

I kicked panic in the backside but the depression meant no satisfaction.

please please help me if u can,thank you.

Kay  Posted: 06/04/2011 19:05

hi Buzz, thanks for your encouraging post.  I do make it hard for him to say no to me, I understand too that he is probably feels torn between his parents.  I feel that while I dont want him to cut his parents out of his life which would be impossible anyway, i do expect him to put myself and our children first.  My son is 12 and my daughter is 9 and they have still got a lot of growing up to do.  My son is at the age that he understands when me and his dad arent getting on.  He doesnt see us or hear us having discussions but he can pick up body language between me and his dad and keeps asking me whats going on and if me and his dad are going to get a divorce.  Hes at a difficult age growing into a teenager, hormones etc.  He is also starting secondary school in september.  The last thing he needs is to be worried about his parents getting a divorce. 

As I am writting this, myself and my husband are getting along better, but i know its going to come up again.  When my husband worked full-time in a proper paying job, I never once thought money would ever come between us.  Its sad to think that relationships are put under pressure and possibly break up due to lack of cash.  I dont mind tightening the belt and cutting back on things, but its when his mother gives him money and he gives it back to her that really really makes me feel desperate.  For the moment things are better between us.  I am due to get paid on friday, I will treat myself and buy something nice. thanks Buzz.

buzz  Posted: 05/04/2011 12:18

Hi Kay what a terrible situation to be in. Your hubby probably realises on some level that the situation is wrong but it is easier for him to go against you than go against his parents. I'm not saying that this is right but for whatever reason, he finds it harder to say no to them than he does to you. The bottom line is: how can you make him say no to them without making him feel like he is being pulled both directions? I'm not really sure. I know I am not exactly a shining beacon of an example when it comes to healthy relationships but one thing that I found during my long term relationship was that money was always a source of conflict for us. We had different priorities when it came to spending and saving. In the end we pooled ALL income that came into the house, paid out bills, rent etc and what was left we split into two. That way, we had the security of knowing that bills were being paid, and also had our own discretionary income.

Perhaps you could suggest that you each take control of your own finances while contributing equally to overheads? That way, the money left over from your salary is YOURS. It seems unfair that you work, and still have these financial stresses. Even if it's just thirty or forty euro. Go out and spend it on yourself. Go for a nice lunch with friends or buy a new top or something, just to assert the fact that it is YOURS. It may sound a little harsh but at the end of the day, if you dont make it difficult for him to say "no" to you, he will keep putting his parents first.

You have reared a family and are working still. A weeks holiday is not too much to ask. You deserve it!

Kay  Posted: 04/04/2011 22:09

thanks Tom, I truely do appreciate your post.  For the moment, we have kinda worked out some peace talks.  But I know this will flare up again, because of the money issue.  I did ask the hubby about going on a holiday in the summer, and he looked at me like I had two heads.  He will go somewhere for a couple of days but a week would be incredibly hard for him to justify-(leaving his father to work the farm for a week on his own).  I knew this would happen when I chose to marry him.  I knew the day would come when he would be farming fulltime, but I naively presumed that he would also have control and ownership of the farm by then too.  How wrong I was.  I dont mind him not being able to leave the farm, i understand the animals etc have to be cared for, but i do mind very much that we do not get any of the financial benefits of it.  I dont think its fair and I dont even think my hubbys self worth is high because if it was he would know that he is worth more than this. More than a pittance that he gets paid for doing massive hours each week.

Tom  Posted: 04/04/2011 10:33

Hi Kay, sorry to hear that times are tough for you personally. I think you should contact Accord and even if you have to go some sessions on your own, so be it.

Suggest that the money your husband earns off the farm be diverted into a holiday fund for you, your husband and your kids to enjoy later on in the year. Explain to him that a holiday (different circumstances, no parents etc) is what you would like to do in say late Summer and plan to have a good discussion with him at that point. Gives you something positive to latch onto and also a course of action to do. 

Do not do anything rash until you have talked it well through with proferssionals (Accords, your councllor etc). Get yourself into a position where you can make a well thought out unemotional decision, not a rash emotional one. This involves getting your head very clear on the issue etc.

Good luck in the days and weeks ahead, we are all here for you on this site.

Hope everyone else is doing well. Kind regards Tom


Kay  Posted: 02/04/2011 22:09

I sent a text to my best friend saturday about my husband,  it was a sarcastic text,  I sent it to him by accident.  I almost died of embarassment when I realised what I had done, 

Myself and husband have been having problems for the last couple of months,  He seems intent on taking care of his parents before me and the kids.

ok...brief history- he works on his fathers farm, he works about 72 hours or more a  week for €250 per week, i work part-time, his father is 71 yrs old, he is supposed to retire and hand the farm over to my husband but wont for some reason.  When my husband gets a few days work now and again outside the farm, he gives the money he gets to his parents.  His parents are very well off and have considerable savings.  I have tryed repeatedly to talk to my husband and it ends up with a row and no talking for days. I am at the end of my tether, i never thought the man I love would be like this with me and his children.  He wont do anything with us as a family, he hasnt had time to bring our son to the hospital for an xray, he doesnt do any of the match or training sessions with the kids.  Im doing it all myself.  I deserve so much better and I know I do, he tells me he loves me, I love him too, but I am rapidly loosing respect for him. We have had so many attempts at working this out but its stalemate.  he does not think he is doing anything wrong and I think he is.  He refuses to go to marriage counselling and now hes even more pissed off with me because of the text i sent him accidentaly.  dont know what to do.  I swore I would never stay with a man for the sake of children but now i am here in this situation, i probably will.  My son is approaching 13, not a good age for a seperation by his parents.  Not that I want that to happen, but if something doesnt happen soon to sort this out I dont know what I will do.. I cannt talk to his parents because his father is a quite but devious and vindictive man, his mother is a door mat who has been walked on by her husband all her married life, so he complaining to her about her son would be an abomination.  help.

Kay  Posted: 07/03/2011 12:03

Hi Buzz, how did the grief counselling go? hope your doing ok.

buzz  Posted: 04/03/2011 09:21


Going to see a grief counsellor later this morning so I will post back later and let you know how it goes.

Hugs to all

Kay  Posted: 02/03/2011 20:22

Hi lillmissblue, glad you spoke to someone about your anxiety.  Keep it up, cos it does work.  Keep posting here too coming up to the communion and we will keep try and keep you focused. 

Buzz, this feeling of desperation and lonliness will ease with time.  It sounds so cliched to say this now, but time will help you somewhat. You are in a bad place and time you once spent with your baby is now vacant and you dont know what to do with your time.  You will meet up with her one day, and you will be to-gether again, but, not yet.  You need to live and get on with your life, although it is hard right now, but  it will ease.  Is there anyway you could go for a long walk when you come home from work. or maybe go to the local swimming pool or anything really, so that your empty time becomes not a chore that has to be endured, but time that you can use to heal yourself through other things.   you will be ok, it hurts right now, but it will get easier.  I promise, ive been there xxkay. 

buzz  Posted: 01/03/2011 15:11

Can't deal with this. There is no end. I miss my best mate and want her back or at least want to be with her. All this time and nothing to fill it. Such a waste.

buzz  Posted: 01/03/2011 10:31

Thanks all so much for your kind words. Last night was the worst. I am completely un-used to coming home from work and having spare time. Usually it would take at least two hours just to bathe her,dry her, brush out her coat, laser, meds etc and I just didnt know what to do wtih myself after work. I have become the hopeless drifter. Going to bed without her beside me for the first time was horrible, and waking up without her this morning for the first time. I just wanted to pull the covers back up over my head and pretend today doesnt exist. My days are long now, and there are too many. I am happy for her that she is at peace now and I am glad she did not suffer in the end. I know that from here on in, it will always be harder for us than it will be for her but this is still a very dark place. I dont like it. I feel like I need to run away from this feeling but there is nowhere to run. There is no escape from the memories or the pain.

Tizzy   Posted: 01/03/2011 02:06

Hi Buzz,

I know exactly how you feel.  We had a cat for eighteen years, she grew with my daughter.  My daughter is all of 30 now and living away from home but we all husband, daughter and I still miss that furball.  She had to be put down because of old age and pain.  I held her while the vet gave her an injection, it was instant, and I am happy about that, but we still miss her.

It is normal to feel the way you do.  I would love another cat, but would never be the same as my pet who used to jump up on my lap when she thought I was down. 

We will get out our loss, I know that okay.


Kay  Posted: 28/02/2011 20:06

Buzz, I am so sorry to hear of your loss.  I adore my dogs, and I spoke here before about losing my dog Jessie two years ago.  She was 12 yrs old when she died, she died in our garden in March, we were all sat around her and hugging her.  She was a beautiful soul.  I love animals and truely believe that we are given dogs to help us through bad times in our lives.  They give love  unconditioally and never ask for anything in return.  Its a pity that dogs cannt live as long as we do then there would be no sorrow when they die.  I prefer dogs more than I like most humans. Dogs are so pure, they can sense a good or bad person just by their demeanour and they are very intuitive.  Your baby is at peace now, runing around like she is only a young one.  Keep that in mind and it might make your pain a little easier to bare.  She had to go Buzz, she has been sick for a while and held on for you as long as she could, so please dont blame her for leaving, she only did what she had to do and she stayed with you for a long time.  

keep posting Buzz, you will be ok as just keep ontalking.

lilmissblue  Posted: 28/02/2011 19:06

Hey all,

Hope you are all well, firstyl! Buzz I am so sorry to hear about your pal. I truly feel for you right now and I know i am not alone in this. All your friends here know how much your dog meant to you.

Kay, thanks so much for your post. It really does make sense, I have told my mam, nan and sister about how Im feeling and they are great support so Im hoping that my anxiety stays away and I do have a great day for my son's sake. Thanks so much for your kind words and your understanding.

Best wishes to you all...

buzz  Posted: 28/02/2011 16:54

Tom thank you. it's hard to find someone who sympathises with the loss of a pet. A lot of people think that it's ridiculous because they are "only animals". I always used to think she may be "only an animal" but if I am half as good as her I'll do, as they say. She thought of herself as so much more than dog. She even refused to eat dog food Laughing I just have so much going on I am starting to wonder if it's going to get better. She was my rock and now she is no more. It's  a heavy burden to carry on without her. Is that incredibly selfish of me? Probably! I have so many people who love me, I know that, and I should count myself blessed, but I can't be happy anymore, and what's more, I dont think I want to be.

buzz  Posted: 28/02/2011 16:08

Sorry for bringing down the mood, am an eejit. It's just so hard right now. I've lost my best mate, my pal and I feel terrible for saying this because I have lost relatives etc before, but I have never felt grief like this. I think because she was sick she took up so much of my time (not that I resented it, God I loved spending time with her and did everything humanly possible to make her happy) but now, I have nothing to do! All this time and nobody to look after. It's a strange feeling. Am I supposed to sit around now and just think about my needs instead of hers? I am so used to dismissing my own needs (again, for her, gladly) that I do not know how to consider my own. Why sit around thinking about yourself what good does that ever bring anyone?

Tom  Posted: 28/02/2011 14:12

Buzz, I am  very sorry for your loss. I hope in due time that the days ahead will at least start to become a little brighter from the heavy and black turmoil that you are currently experiencing. My sympathies Tom

buzz  Posted: 28/02/2011 10:52

Hi all, am devastated. We lost our beloved dog on Saturday. I always knew this day would be upon us, I never imagined it would be so hard. She was my whole life. I lived for her. And now she has left, and all I have is time to do nothing with. She was never a noisy dog, but the silence she leaves behind is unbearable. The space that she no longer takes up is painful to look at or be in. The house is full with her stuff. A wicker basket full of her toys and teddies. Her squeaky rubber duck, sponge and baby shampoo are still in the bath. Her half eaten bag of dried food is in the press. Her blankets are on the clothes line. Her medication and supplements still in a box on my shelf. Her half full bowl of water is still in the same spot in the garden where she was sitting in the spring sunshine less than five minutes before she died. There are so many pieces of her still left and it hurts to see them, but I cant bear to move them. The three things I wanted for her in death were that she would make the decision herself when to go, that it would be fast and pain free and that she was in my arms. God must have been looking out for us because he made sure she had all three. But it doesnt make it any easier. I feel a strange feeling that I've never had before, like a lead weight pulling me down, but also an empty space that cannot be filled. I fear I will feel like this forever until I meet her again, and I fear for her for where she may be now. I always looked out for her. I was her person and I made sure that she was always safe and warm and loved. Now, it's beyond me. Her welfare is no longer in my control and I cannot get my head around it. I cant believe she left me alone like this. We fought so hard together and then she left me. It's unbelievably hard to deal with this right now.

Kay  Posted: 26/02/2011 20:13

Hi Lillmissblue, I had my daughters communion last May and I was the same as you.  I was afraid I would  be anxious and it would ruin her day.  BUT.......Heres what you do.  You tell your best pal, you tell your partner, you tell whoever you can, and I will tell you why.  Anxiety usually rises in level because of the secrecy around it.  If you fight a battle of anxiety in your own head, then it will go round and round in circles and so the vicious cycle begins.  But when the secrecy is broken, be it by telling somebody or writting about it, then the cycle is broken and the anxiety is lessened.  I have tryed this method litteraly dozens of times and it does work.  When I feel anxious about something coming up I text my hubby "I feel anxious" and he texts me back "I hear you".  By now he knows what way to respond and those three little words back from him lets me know I am not alone and he hears me.  You need to sit down and tell a friend or your  partner how you get anxious when situations come your way which arent part of your usual routine, and have them as your EAR so to speak.  They dont have to do anything else but confirm by text or word of mouth that they hear you and then the slience is broken.  Am I making sense?  sometimes I find it hard to put in writing what I want to say.  Let me know if this is something that appeals to you. 

Either way, you will go to your sons communion and you will have a good day regardless of what you feel before it. And remember most of all, anxiety is just an emotion and emotions ALWAYS pass without fail.  Every emotion we feel passes and changes so too will this one. 

lilmissblue  Posted: 24/02/2011 10:28

Hi All,

Glad to see you are all keeping in touch. Im sorry I havent written in a while, have checked in regularly though. I have been having a really good spell since before Christmas and I suppose I was scared writing in case I encouraged it to come back again. Stupid I know!

I think this is a great site and a link that really shouldnt be broken... Will try in post regularly again as I know one  day I will feel anxious again and at least if I keep posting you'll be here when I need you all. Have my son's Communion coming up in May and already Im thinking ahead and testing myself to see if im feeling anxious about it, to be honest im dreading the few days before!!!

Hope you are all keeping well, Hi Kay, Tom, Buzz, Scared, Jean and Twentyone and a big hi to anyone new or have been away for a while and are posting again.

Kay  Posted: 23/02/2011 23:15

Hi Buzz, how the hell are you? 

Election free zone!  totally agree, Im sick of the whole bunch of muppets of politicians in this country.

Glad to hear you are doing ok.  Now a quick word to the rest of our pals here on this fourm.  "Get in touch", let us know how you are all doing. 

Tom, you are doing well I hope. 

buzz  Posted: 23/02/2011 11:51

Hi, sorry have been off posting uselessly on other forums Frown I am also interested in keeping this going. We seemed to be going "goodo" as they say for a while and then it fizzled a little. Perhaps we should also vow to make it an election free zone lol Laughing

Tom  Posted: 22/02/2011 19:15

Hi Kay, glad to hear that you would like to continue the operation of this site, I think we  need at least 2-3 more regular contributors, hopefully there are at least that many people out there. Good to hear from you Kay and hope to hear more from you. All the best Tom 

Kay  Posted: 19/02/2011 11:29

Hi Tom, im definately interested in keeping this forum going.  I think it is as important to keep in touch through good times as well as bad if for nothng else then to encourage those who do feel bad and to show them that things change and while you might feel very low this week, next week could bring a change.

I miss this forum and do wish it was regular.  All the best, Kay.

Tom  Posted: 17/02/2011 18:07

Hi to all my Friends that use this site, I hope you are all doing well. It would be good to get regular communication going again. Are there any takers Kind regards Tom

Kay  Posted: 10/02/2011 19:36

Hi Helen, good to hear you are doing so well.  I am very happy for you.  Life is so full of ups and downs and although the downs are horrible, I dont think we would truely appreciate the ups if we didnt have the downs.

You are so right about leaving those people out of our lives that arent nice to us or bring us down.  Im trying to do so and have maintained a certain distance from my parents.  I see them once a week and sometimes thats even too much.  I dont answer the phone to people who I call are fair weather friends, the ones who pick you up and drop you when it suits them.  I still struggle with saying no sometimes, but that is work in progress.

I am not having a good time of it the last few days.  Having bad bad nightmares which make no sense.  Im almost afraid to sleep because of them.  Pure terror is what they feel like.  Im figuring out where the terror comes from though and will work on it til it sorts out and passes by. 

Hi Tom, good to hear you are doing well.  Taking one day at a time is a very good approach.  I should try and take that approach too, maybe then I wouldnt stress out about things I cannot change.

all the best to my other friends on the forum, kay.

Tom  Posted: 07/02/2011 10:52

Hi Helen, delighted to hear from you and more importantly to hear that you are in a good space now.

Please try to continue to post on a regular basis, we all need each other with what is going on in the outside world, not to mention our own trials and tribulations.

Helen,I have been pretty good most days for a while now, I just take each day as it comes. I can understand clearly and would agree very much with alot of what you said in your post.

I hope all my other friends on this site are well. Kind regards Tom


Helen  Posted: 04/02/2011 21:27

Hi Kay, Tom and Tizzy and everyone else out there, its been over a year and a half since i posted and was just curious to see if anyone i remember was still posting and was delighted to see Kay and Tom still there helping everyone as they helped me, thanks for being there when I needed it. 

Things have changed dramatically for me, the answer to moving on (stopped the Exfexor back then) was sport, its that simple. I am running my demons out of my head every second day and feel wonderful. I spent 2 years in counselling for depression and took "the pills" for 1.5 years and made a break once I was ready. its all about being ready and we are all so different there is no golden rule. as long as we try to change patterns that are not working for us we can move ahead.

another tip, stop trying to impress those people in your life who are bad for you, you know who they are :)) just forget about them and seek out your real friends, i am keeping away from several people (some my immediate family) and feel all the better for it, they don't really love me so feck it, i want to spend time with people who do and if they are not free, sure i can always love myselfLaughing.

Hang in there, best of luck with kicking those demons out of your head for good, cos thats what they are.


Kay  Posted: 26/01/2011 18:10

You are very welcome Tizzy, I am looking forward to the course with apprehension too of course.  I will let you all know here how its going.  all the best to everyone, kay.

Tizzy   Posted: 25/01/2011 18:10

Hello Kay,

Thank you for helping me work my way out of my maze and that is exactly what you have done.  Yes I will shake off this feeling of guilt and embrace life.  I am nearly twenty years older than you Kay, but inside I am still that vital person I always and I never heeded, now is the time.  Without hurting anybody I have to live this beautiful life for me.  I know I may sound dramatic but I suppose that is also a part of me, and my new friend thinks I am a lovely person, not bad for starters.  We are both crazy about our new hobby and we can talk "until the cows come home" (my mothers saying).

Kay you are a real jem, thank you for your help and I really mean that. Good look in your further education, I see your determination in every work you write.


Kay  Posted: 24/01/2011 17:52

Hi Tom, Im doing well these days. Glad you are doing so too.  Ive just signed up to do another evening course so Im excited about that.  Roll on spring and daffodils and all else that comes with it. 

George, anxiety is an emotion, its pent up anger, emotional pain, worry, stress, exhaustion, trauma.  Any one of these and more would cause anxiety and many more things too.  How can a physical condition like heart trouble cause anxiety?  Im not asking out of skepticism, I am interested in how something physical can cause anxiety. I know my mother in law has anxiety when she had cancer and that is prretty normal under the circumstances,  but that was her reaction to somethng physical that she knew she had,what I dont get is how can something like sleep apnea or acid reflux cause anxiety? Maybe if they were undiagnosed and ongoing somebody might get anxious over their physical symptoms, imagining its something really serious.  I know where my anxiety is rooted and Im glad i do, because i know then when I have times of anxiousness then there is a cause and a solution. 

Tizzy, you know what I was watching Raw the other night on rte 1 and when reading your post I thought of it. There is a lady in it who is like you, wanting to do something positive with her life but at the risk of leaving her husband of 25yrs behind.  I am 42yrs old.  I am only now going back to education.  Ive done one module for the qualification I need and am starting the second and third one this week.  My husband is ok with me doing these and even if he wasnt, quite frankly, I would do them anyway.  I have kids age 9 and 12, they are dependent on me still and I am here for them, but........there comes a time in a womans life when she has spent years looking after a home and raising a family that she has to do something for herself.  Call it a midlife crisis if you will, but the majority of people in my night classes are age between 32 and 60 yrs old.  I am saying to you to do the things your passionate about now.  You will end up resenting your husband if you dont.  You have got to follow your gut instinct.  Your hubby will still be there for you.  And if you have found a friend who is male that has things in common with you thats ok too.  Is your husband making you feel guilty or is it you feeling guilty because now you want your turn at life?

Either way, do it, go for it and take it in both hands and enjoy.  Life is too short for regret. 

Tom  Posted: 24/01/2011 11:21

Hello to all my friends on the forum. 

Kay I feel for you about been feelings about January. It is a very long month. It might interest you to know that Today FM did a feature last week, basically saying that last week was the week that has the highest number of people feeling down in the whole year. So you are not alone. Anyway I hope you are feeling at least a little better by now

I would just like to say thanks to our new contributors for their comments, very helpful.  For me things are reasonable at the moment and I am happy with this situation. Hope everyone is doing okay. Kind regards Tom


Tizzy   Posted: 24/01/2011 10:54

Good morning All,

Its Monday morning.  On Saturday for no reason that I can think of a "cloud" started to surround me, and I starting thinking, and wondering, continuously, it continued for two days (I am hoping it is coming to an end) I worry and feel guilty a swirling spiral of negative thought.  Anger, guilt, yet I do nothing about it.  I spoke to a friend last night and I must say I was happy to have somebody listen to me even though I wasn't necessarily making sense.  It did help.

My husband drives me crazy because he will not move out of his "set routine"  I have taken up a new hobby and I am feeling very guilty because I feel as if I am leaving him behind.  I want him to get out there with or without me.  The other thing is, the person I share my new hobby with is  a man and I am seeing that we have everything in common, and we can have great chats, he is the type of man I probably would have married had I not met my now husband.  This is where the guilt comes in.

I have spent my married life doing what was expected of me and now I feel time is running out for me and I just want to live my life for myself, see how I would do things, make my mark, but GUILT.  I set very high standards for myself.

Can anybody help me see clearly, just once in my life I want to forget my guilt and be me.

Thank you for reading and your possible feedback.


George Mitchell  Posted: 22/01/2011 16:49

I think it is important to note that anxiety can be triggered by things like undiagnosed heart problems, sleep apnea, and acid reflux to name a few.  All to many doctors fail to rule out possilble physical causes before simply prescribing calming meds which will do nothing for an underlying physical trigger.  So be careful in simply assuming that the cause is emotional.  - George

buzz  Posted: 21/01/2011 17:27

Hi Kay, true Jan is the bleakest (and longest) month - or so it seems! How are things with you? Regards


Witofire  Posted: 21/01/2011 10:26

Tizzy, I was so impressed by your post. For years as her fulltime carer I endeavoured to have my wife weaned off Ativan and Xanax which she took for anxiety attacks. In my opinion she should never have been allowed to become addicted. The last thing she asked for the day before she died last year was Ativan. I foresaw an achievement for her something like yours but sadly it was not to be. I have a hatred of all addictive drugs as a result of my experience. It is great to know of someone who has faced their demons and conquered them. You are an inspiration to others.

Kay  Posted: 20/01/2011 19:32

Hi all, where is everybody?   Im not in a wonderful place, feel a little anxious and generally fed up.  I know January can be that kind of month so roll on the long bright evenings.  I have so much good in my life. I have to keep reminding myself over and over again that my anxiety is rooted in my past and not now, but you know what its damn hard sometimes.  kay.

Kay  Posted: 10/01/2011 18:04

Buzz, you know parents have a lot to answer for. We learn everything from our parents, we learn how to react to situations, how to treat people and basically everything else. I am trying to break the cycle with my own children. I try to not make them responsible for me because they shouldnt be. I am their carer and not the other way around. Its a good thing that nowdays people realise how important raising children in the right way is. I do realise that in our parents day it wasnt widely recognised how damaging adult behaviour can be to children but thankfully for the most part, this is changing, slowly. Your mother sounds very like my own. Untreated depression from a traumatic childhood is my mothers anxiety source. But while she is willing to take anti-depressants she wont do anything else about it. She went for two counselling sessions and like magic she is a whole lot better. She has had anxiety and depression all my life and while she acknowledges how much she sees my therapy helping me, she wont entertain doing it herself. I have had happy times with my parents too, but unfortuneately at the moment they are clouded by the bad times. I hope in time to move this along and see the good in them too.My only worry is they are both 68 and 69 and I know they wont be around forever, but i pray they will be around long enough for me to resolve things in my head with them. I love them both dearly but find it hard to forgive behaviour from them towards me and my sister. SO I sympathise with you and your mothers situation. Bend my ear anytime her Buzz. all the best.

Tizzy   Posted: 10/01/2011 15:41

Hello All,

Thank you for your kind acknowledgement of my posting and your equally kind words, I will pass your thoughts on to my friend.

I can only imagine what it would be like to have my mother threaten suicide, mine always threatened to walk out, never knew from one minute to the next if we would be a family when I woke up for school, that and an alcoholic brother coming home at all hours of the morning waking us wanting to talk (he finished work at twelve midnight) got drunk and worried me and my parents to death.  

There are many happenings in my life I could discuss, I am wondering why I am a bad mother, my daughter is always fighting with me, picking me up on every word and, I blame myself. The guilt I have is heavy to carry, does anybody have this situation. We only have one child.

buzz  Posted: 10/01/2011 10:02

Hi Kay hope you are doing ok, I have recovered from my ordeal and am now enjoying a new sense of perspective which is great. I no longer let the small things (or people) bother me. How awful for you to grow up with the cloud of suicide always there, or being threatened. Our parents can really scar us. My Mother, though she never threatened suicide, has untreated depression and will go to a dark place at the proverbial drop of a hat. I wonder why she does not seek help, when by her own admission, she does suffer from the illness (as do the rest if su who have to live with her) Not to be bad but she does not realise that her illness affects her close family too, as we have to walk on eggshells around her in case we say the "wrong thing" or even the right thing the "wrong way"! She thinks she is the only one who suffers because of her refusal to be treated. God that must sound terrible but it's so hard to live with someone like that. I try to support her as much as I can, as the rest of my family do, but we are only human I suppose! I woudl love to see her get well for her sake of course. To see her really let go and be happy. I know that she had an oppressive childhood with a (forgive me) battle axe mother who undermined her self esteem at every opportunity and made her feel really bad. Again, the effect that our parents can have on us I suppose!

Hope everyone is well, and enjoying our balmy weather Laughing

Kay  Posted: 07/01/2011 18:19

Hi all, Tizzy, how very sad for your friends family and you. Suicide is a terrible and unnessecary thing. I know ive had plenty of times when i wanted emotional pain to stop and there have been times when ive been scared if things got much worse then i too would take the suicide route. But I know i have a good life now and its only my past that causes me to feel this way, but nonetheless, its an absolutely awful and scarey feeling. Most people dont want to die, they just want to feel better and to some dying is the only route. It absolutely breaks my heart when I hear of somebody taking their own life anad if im to be honest it stays with me for a long time. I dont just read about it and move on, i think about it and the person who has taken their own life and feel bad for them. I grew up with a mother who threatened suicide at the drop of a hat, a row with my dad, a bad day or something else, and she would shout she was going to kill herself because she felt so bad. I automatically presumed then as I grew up that suicide was an answer to a problem. I was taught that it was normal to think like this. Its very scary to a child hearing your mother threatening to kill herself. I spend years on suicide watch with my mother....not a healthy way to grow up. I exercise regularily and eat very well, i have had my bloods done and all are well. My opinion and this is from my own experience, is that anxiety is caused by an event either from the past or present. I do think some of us soft souls are more open to anxiety but i primarily belive that anxiety is a symptom not a disease. all the best Kay. p.s. I am doing ok, thanks Tom for your words.

ciaobellaciao1  Posted: 07/01/2011 15:16

Diet with lots & fruit & veg & regular exercise  - works wonder for anxiety.

if you're still anxious, get full bloods done to make sure no underlying issues such as thyroid.

buzz  Posted: 07/01/2011 14:49

Oh Tizzy what an unspeakable tragedy for your friend and her family. She should not blame herself but of course no amount of being told this will help her at this time. True, our government do not care about us small people. They think nothing of taking sixteen euro a week from those who can least afford it. Sixteen euro would barely cover a starter at one of their junketts. My thoughts are with your friend and her family.

Kay how are you doing. have you been having a rought time? It can be a bleak time of year, and after Christmas everything is so dreary. Hope you are doing ok.

Hope everyone else is doing well? Had a rough few days myself have only just come out the other side of them. Bleurgh Cry

Tizzy   Posted: 06/01/2011 20:44

Hello all,

I would like to wish you all a happy and peaceful 2011.  I say peaceful because most of us on this page live in a  turmoil, never knowing what type of mental state we will wake up in.  For me, pressure is off because Christmas is over. For others they are feeling "flat" or sad because all the hype has now passed.  

My friend's grandchild committed suicide on Christmas Eve. She feels responsible because being a Social Worker who works with the youth she thinks she should have noticed something, no drugs, no alcohol involved BUT lost his job. Our Bankers and Government have a lot to answer for.


Tom  Posted: 06/01/2011 11:55

Kay, I am sorry to hear that all is not well with you at the moment. You have the strength to fight back and get back on an even keel. Try to think short term, this afternoon, tonight, tomorrow morning etc. Leave the bigger issues for another day when you are stronger. All the best Tom 

Kay  Posted: 05/01/2011 21:26

Happy new year to all.  Im not feeling too well.  Feel tired and a little anxious.  I know it will pass and I know it will be alright, but its still crap.  kay.

Tom  Posted: 05/01/2011 12:33

Hi All

Happy New Year everyone. I hope that 2011 is a good one for us all

January I find is a very difficult month so lets try to support each other through it.  Thankfully I am doing pretty ok at the moment. Kind regards to all Tom  

LilyR  Posted: 23/12/2010 23:05

Try Mindfulness It is one of the new / old approaches to the problem of anxiety

jean  Posted: 23/12/2010 18:36


Tom and Kay thank u again for the advice,it's been really helpful and i have managed to get through this week a lot better.

kay that is such a shame there are no support groups in your area as only someone who has been through what you have can truly understand.although yours are extenuating circumstances,this snow has been a curse and from stopping us doing things has made it much harder to do things again.It's given us more time to think which always makes things seem worse.though on a smaller scale i am really having to journal my panic over being with people at christmas which would not be getting so bad if i was able to get out!i hope you can do the same and remember those around you at christmas who truly love you.

a happy and peaceful christmas to all jean.

Kay  Posted: 22/12/2010 18:36

Hi Tom, thanks for your post. I know you are right, when we are stressed, our minds play tricks and spin into negativity. I enquired into support groups in my area for people who were abused, but unless you live in Dublin then there arent any. I think maybe if I spoke to someone who is in my shoes then maybe something good could come of it. Ive tryed speaking to friends who know my history and although I know they sympathise with me, they dont know truely how it feels. But Im doing ok. I wish you a peaceful christmas Tom, and to all our friends here on this forum. Kay.

Tom  Posted: 20/12/2010 17:51

Hi Kay, Up to now I have never tried to comment on any of the abuse issues that are a recurrent theme in some of the posts on this site, because frankly I have no idea about it, since thankfully I did not experience it like you and some other people did.

However I have one observation for you specifically which is that I think it would be a good idea for you to talk openingly about it to a number of new people (not necessarily therapists) but people whose judgement you value. Getting some fresh commentary I think could be particularly valuable to you now in resolving your sense of hurt that you feel because you were abused. You are you, you are not your abuse issue. You deserve to be loved and treasured as a human being.

I think you know that there is no issue with your Dad since you know very clearly that all our minds play games (sometimes horrible ones) with us particularly when we are stressed and anxious.

Every good wish for Christmas, I hope it is a happy season for you. Kind regards Tom


Kay  Posted: 20/12/2010 16:44

Hi all, feeling a little apprehensive today. Maybe because its Christmas. I still have a big issue with whether my father abused me or not when I was little. It's odd, because the more I see my dad the less this fear is but due to snow etc i havent seen him for a while and the fear is building up again. I have my head wrecked trying to figure this out. Anyway any help will be taken, kay.

Tom  Posted: 20/12/2010 14:54

Hi All.

To Jean, Kay is right in everything she says. It has taken me along time to realise that I am responsible for nobody elses happiness except my own.

You are doing all the right things, this episode that you have recently experienced will pass. Try to be the watcher of what is going on,  try not to let yourself get sucked in by all the negativity that is swirling around you.

Be proactive if you can,  for example shout at it out loud to just go away. If you take control even for a fleeting moment, that is a huge improvement.

Then baby positive steps forward to get you positively functioning again at least for periods of time each day. You will reach a point where you will realise that you do not want to be stay drownded in all the crap and negativity forever and accordingly you will fight really hard for you to stay positive and reasonably well balanced. Use whatever help assists you, get rid of any so called help that is not assisting you. You have it well within you to do it but you must believe you can.

Everyone has bad days even those people who do not have anxiety / depressive  conditions to deal with. However we have to be especially careful around negativity / stress or when the negative thoughts start piling into us because if we are not, the thoughts etc can quickly bring us down.

I hope everyone else is doing ok. Hello especially to Kay & Buzz and all other regular readers of this site. I have received during 2010 lots of help and encouragement from you all here so I would just like to say thanks to all

A very Happy Christmas to everyone and I hope 2011 is a good one for us all. Kind regards Tom


Kay  Posted: 17/12/2010 22:26

jean,im glad you are doing better. you are doing all the right things, journaling, talking here, and going for walks. Dont worry too much about being grumpy with your mother. I have massive issues with my mother still. After a long time of doing work through therapy on my mother, I thought I would have a better relationship with her, but i dont. I blame my mother for not seeing what was happening to me when i was abused and i blamed her for a lot of stuff. She was like a loose cannon when I was a child.Ive had to maintain a safe distance, relationship wise, from her because I now know I can never let her back under my skin again. I cannt give in to her emotional blackmail and i certainly cannt be her carer. She is my mother yes, and i do love her, but I am not responsible for her or her happinness. It took me a long time to realise that. You are responsible for no-ones happiness but your own Jean, ok, you dont hurt others ever intentionally but you dont owe anybody anything. I know its hard but sometimes we have got to put ourselves first. My idea is that if i am happy then others around me will be happy too, so start with yourself and then the affects will bounce off others near to you. you are doing great so keep it up, Kay.

jean  Posted: 17/12/2010 16:52


Tom i will do my best to keep posting here as it helps so much.yesterday was a good day but today is a struggle again but went for a walk and have just finished journaling.

kay you make so much sense.i have so much anger in me and hate myself for it but i am starting to see where it comes from.i tend to get irrationaly angry with my mother and i feel part of me is angry that i couldn't tell her what was going on in school though it wasn't her fault.i was brought up to always do what the teacher said no matter anger has also caused me to self harm.i bought a punch bag at the start of the year and now is time to start using it.i know there are better ways to release my anger and this is one of them.i am also seeing how good exercise is and have joined the local gym.even just after a short walk today i feel more relaxed and my self esteem rises.

good thought's to all jean.

buzz  Posted: 17/12/2010 14:46

Jean glad things are looking a little brighter for you now. You are very strong remember that, and we are all here too (even if it does take a while for posts to filter through sometimes) Christmas (or, rather, the panicky lead up to it) can be trying even for those who are calm so for worriers like us it can be a nightmare. I've been shopping in the city centre recently and there are times when everyything clamours and I have this urge to start tearuing at my clothes if they are in any way constricting. I havent had a panic attack in over a year and yet the Christmas rush will do that! This place is sort of like a little cyber haven or something. It's good.

Tom, Kay and everyone hope you are all keeping well and not too stressed out. x

Tom  Posted: 16/12/2010 20:14

Hi all.

To Jean I am delighted that things are starting on the up for you again. Not telling you what to do, but I think I would be good for you to keep in close contact with the site for the next few weeks until your mood settles down completely, and that you can see some good results from the help you are getting .

Hope everyone else is well. Kind regards Tom

Kay  Posted: 16/12/2010 18:56

hi Jean, im sorry to hear you are in a bad place right now. But i know one thing for sure, this will pass. keep journaling and talking because its like wiping away blood from a wound. the more you wipe away and clean( by writting), the wound will heal and this WILL pass. just bear it and if you feel too bad write here, or go for a walk or talk to somebody, but please please know this will pass. it wont last forever. nothing ever stays the same so this phase will also come to its conclusion. My therapist said to me once that anger that is not expressed turns inwards and comes back out as depression. So, my next suggestion is this: when you were in school and had a bad time especially in primary school, as a child you might have felt anger at your teachers but because you were a child you had not got the courage to express it. Or lets face it you would have probably got into more trouble with teachers by doing so. Would you or is there anger inside you not just with teachers but with others in your life that you didnt let out, cos let me tell you I have buckets of anger in me that i still have to release in a healthy way for me. People dont give enough importance to feelings and the imporatance of expressing them,particularly anger. Ireland as a nation is one of placid and "shut up and dont rock the boat" attitude. And while this might seem proper and nice and demure, its wrong. I know I said i have buckets of anger too, you know my history, and I still find it hard to let it out. I get palpatations and i feel my chest tightening and I know this is anger. it consumes me and I feel it in my heart. So when I feel the palpations building up and feel down and out, I go to my garage, take one of the kids hurls and whack the crap out of my punch bag or an old carpet. Anything will do, use a sweeping brush to hit a rug over a clothes line, break old chipped dishes against a wall.. anything as long as each time you hit or throw, you pictue the assholes who did you wrong. You picture the teachers who made you feel sad and you shout if you have the privacy to do so, but you hit and hit and hit and slowly you will feel anger rise up from the pit of your stomach that you didnt even know was there. Try it you have nothing to lose, if nothing else it will release energy and let you relax more. By the way, my new years resolution is to follow my own advice.... all the best Jean, you will be ok.

jean  Posted: 16/12/2010 15:03


Tom thank you so much for the words of encouragement and sound advice. I spoke to my therapist and she gave me a lot of the advice you did.i have been jounaling a lot the last couple of days and reading over my journal has really in the moment and doing little things has been the best help and my mood has lifted a little bit.i was thinking too much about the future and becoming overwhelmed.

hope everyone is doing ok,this site has been a life saver.

kind regards to all jean.

Tom  Posted: 15/12/2010 11:35

Hi All

Jean, I have been where you are now so I venture to suggest have lots of other people. I came across a saying that might encourage you for a moment even  if that moment is only fleeting

Don't get discouraged; it is often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock.

Jean I know generally from your posts in the past that you have been in similar positions in the past and you have found the strength and the resources within you to come back to a pretty good life.

Not been a medical person I obviously cannot clinically diagnose your situation. However I think  you observe yourself  that you can see that your mood has changed from before and now unfortunately your mood is low.

My advice is to try to put yourself in charge of you, even if only for an hour a day at the beginning. Forgot about the future for the moment, concentrate on the now, this morning, this afternoon, this evening etc.

If you are not sleeping get some meds for that as I have found that even if I have one poor nights sleep my mood is affected badly the next and subsequent days.

Clear your schedule of any unimportant things in the short term, just concentrate on getting by. Talk to Aware Councillors when you  are having a bad attack of low moods, they are very good at just getting you out of a hole, which for me I used to dig for myself probably a half before I phoned them in some cases.

Make sure  that you are eating well and exercising regularly.

All of the above are well within your grasp, even if your mood is very low. The harder bit is trying to resolve what is causing this to happen to you and to fix / resolve / minimise it for the future.

Your councillor may be able to help here. Some councillors specialise in depression and anxiety so you might consider that. However I think you will be able to almost  diagnose the cause yourself by constant writing and rewriting. What I am suggesting is that you keep writing and rewriting until you have made a good  comprehensive and concise summary of what you think is/ are the cause(s). This is a huge and valuable step and would assist greatly a professional in helping  you.

Meds are good in small doses, but resist the instinct of some in the medical profession of regularly upping the dose.

Give yourself time, write in to this site if helpful to you and be gentle with yourself. All the best Jean

Hope everyone else is doing okay  Kind regards Tom



jean  Posted: 15/12/2010 00:03


I have been sinking back into deep depression over the last few weeks. it's killing me. the panic and anxiety is easier to deal with thanks to therapy,which has been a life saver and when i am suffering that way i know once i see my therapist we will analyse it and i get back on track but the depression is a different story. it is terrifying!! i cry all the time,can't eat or sleep properly and am so scared. i have been trying to beat it,talking to friends,i even got out and got my christmas shopping done but nothing lifts my mood. i now feel i am losing control,sinking further and further away from life. everyday is the greatest struggle,if i make it into the shower it's a bonus. i can understand my anxietys and though they are tough to deal with i can battle them but i can't battle this depression. even sitting here now i am crying and can't see any future. i have so much going for me including a beautiful new baby niece whom i have only seen once so i can't understand this dreadful illness.

from reading recent posts i would like to say that i too had a difficult time in school. primary school was very bad,i had no friends and even one of the teacher's bullied me. i know this has had an impact on my anxious nature. I also know that therapy and journaling is really helping me with these issues. i find working so difficult bacause i try too hard and am always comparing myself to everyone else but i am learning to believe in myself more.

I too have had a bit of an emotional time with men lately. I am 38 years old and single. i would so love to meet someone but no matter how hard i throw myself into my life and focus on other things, i can just never meet someone and this makes me sad FrownI had hoped at this stage in my life to be settled with a family but feel i am too old now for this to ever happen.

hope people are doing well

all the best jean

Kay  Posted: 06/12/2010 16:58

Oh by the way cozy 1, I too took every med possible and while they did help a litttle in the long run they just didnt do enough so that was my reason for turning to therapy.  It was either go to therapy or live a life on constant panic and anxiousness.  I didnt know how much longer i could live like that because belive me every day got harder to live.  So it was hard work and dedication through therapy that got me to where I am today.  Alive, getting to places I want to go, back to school, working and tasting life the way it was supposed to be lived.  I did find that reiki helped me a lot.  have you ever heard of it?  anyway all the best, kay.

Kay  Posted: 06/12/2010 16:54

Hi cozy 1, welcome to the discussion.  The feeling you have as most of us do here, is called "Being disconnected".  I think the best way to explain it and some of the reasons for it is this....................I know when I feel disconected i feel like Im just existing and not living.  I feel even when Im talking to people that the words are coming out of my mouth but if feels like someone else saying them.  It feels surreal and almost like my head is filled with cotton wool.  I could be driving in my car but not even aware what I am doing.  I have a couple of good friends and quite a few acquaintances, so making friends is not a problem.  I know through personal experience that when i feel disconected then something is wrong.  It, for me, means that something is upsetting me and although nothing obvious, i have to sit down and analyize exactly whats happening in my llfe at the time to find out what exactly is causing me to feel disconnected.  Am I making any sense? 

The reason we become disconnected is safety.  The part of our brain that perceives danger is on high and we shut down and in doing so we become disconnected.  Fear can make us shut down and become disconnected too.   Cozy 1, i am 42 and I spent almost all my life like that until three years ago I had to go to therapy, reluctantly, but it was through therapy I realised my reasons for disconnecting from life and those around me.  The long and short of it is, we become disconnected because of something.  We sure arent born like that and while I accept that people are different and some make friends more easily than others, I do believe very strongly that something in our lives past or present causes us to feel disconnected.  Its not a nice feeling and can feel very isolating but the good news is it can be fixed.  As long as we realise that something is causing it and its not the way we should be.  O.k. really quickly..... I disconected because I was sexually abused from age 4, so the way I learned to survive was to shut down emotionally, it was a safety mechanism for me and one which probably saved me many a time.  My disconectedness was caused by fear, it was better for me as a child to shut down and peretend stuff wasnt happening rather than believe it was true and real.  I know every person will have a different reason but thats mine for what its worth.  I wish you all the best and let me know how you are doing.  kay.

Tizzy   Posted: 06/12/2010 14:14

Hello Cosy1,

Don't feel bad, as you said there are many like us out there.  I think maybe we are sensitive people who take notice of peoples attitude, i.e subliminal messages, and we react to them.  I wish I could develop an outer shell and close my eyes to peoples attitudes.  As far as I am concerned you are welcome on the line provided you are "behind me" that's the attitude out there.

I apologise if I appear to be a cynic, life made me that way.


cozy1  Posted: 06/12/2010 01:10

Hi, hope you don't mind me joining in on this discussion.  When I read Tizzy's question about feeling on the sidelines I had to reply.  Thats exactly how I've felt all my 50 years, but I never heard anyone else saying they felt the same.  I don't really have close friends, plenty of friendly acquaintances but no-one I feel really close to.  I don't mean to sound self-pitying, I have a good life with a great husband and kids.  But I just don't seem to be the kind of person that anyone wants to get close to or invite into their circle, if that makes sense.  I never get asked to "girlie" nights out or hen parties.  I'm left-handed too, don't know if that makes any difference, but I certainly was made to feel different at school because of it. And I was very tall in school so I was always pushed to the back of everything.

Its such a relief to hear someone else say they feel the same.  I'm on this website because I feel very anxious, thinking about going to the doc tomorrow though I don't know what he can do for me.  Its Xmas, gets to me every year!  Has anyone found any treatment that helps them?  I've tried all the usual stuff, meditation, yoga etc. - can't relax enough to do them properly or get any good out of them!  And I've been on anti-depressants for a couple of years, but I don't feel that my problem is depression.  Any advice would be much appreciated, thanks.

Tizzy   Posted: 03/12/2010 20:52

Thanks very much Kay, but I have given up on the charity shop, I don't need that in my life anymore.  I am 60 now and prefer my own company, its easier this way, but thank you for your words on here.  They have made me feel a lot better.

I just don't know where my get and and go has gone!  Have a happy and safe weekend all.


Kay  Posted: 02/12/2010 17:57

Tizzy, I too felt isolated as a child and never had a friend until i reached 6th class. My school days were nuns telling me i was stupid because i wrote with my left hand. I think they thought I was the spawn of the devil or something. But I didnt give in, I still write with my left hand but do absolutely everything else with my right. I too, worked in a charity shop to try and get some confidence back and made in with the people there ok. I remember while I worked there, my husband lost his job and I remember the women in the charity shop telling me that it would all be ok and for me to go to the citizens advice to find out what we were entitled to. When I mentioned we had payed off our morgage years earlier, they almost looked at me with distain and immediately lost interest in my situtation. The reason I am saying all this is I suppose to let you know that some people are odd and almost resentful when they see someone doing well, like the fas workers in the shop where you were. But that is because they are imposing their feelings of insecurity and general worthlessness on you. rise above it Tizzy, feck them and you just keep doing your best. Buzz, yu sound in good form. I like hearing from you all guys and my world is a much better place for having you all in it. I mean that. Hi to Tom, twentyone, Jean, lillmissblue and anyone else im forgetting.

buzz  Posted: 02/12/2010 09:29

Hi All hope you are keeping well and safe during these cold times.

Kay I understand how you feel. We live in an isolated area and its a full days work just to get to work! One thing I notice though is that people do seem to be pulling together. I have seen so many people pull together to help out with pushing cars, shovelling snow, driving neighbours around, dropping off food parcels etc, it is not a perfect scenario that we have now but it's refreshing to see the community "pull" that is evident. I think our ever wavering confidence in our government and the increasingly obvious truth that they really do not care about the little guys, has in a funny way, created a level of solidarity among ordinary people.

Did you manage to get some shopping in? It's a little scary when there is that feeling of being stranded, and it's worrying when we are "grounded" so easily. I hope that you manage to get some stuff in to keep you going over the weekend.

Tizzy   Posted: 01/12/2010 18:17

Hello All,

When I wrote earlier this week, I wasn't intending to sound smug and complacent.  I wrote from a sense of joy.  Today I noticed while reading one of the letters that you Kay acknowledged my email and I thank you for same.

Has anybody on this discussion board ever felt as if they are invisible, on the sidelines, never one of the crowd, I have!  Most of my life I felt like that.  

When I was a child, I was too tall so the teacher put me at the back of the classroom.  The other girls had a go at me because I was fat.  On the way home from school the boys would call me Fats Domino.  I was four years younger than the other girls nearest my age on the road where I lived so they didn't want to play with me.  On the sidelines, always waiting for somebody to talk to me or be my friend.

With the above in mind, I now cannot bear to see anybody left out because they are "different".  I went to help out in a charity shop recently and guess what, while trying to help I was looked upon as "trying too hard" the fas workers eventually admitted I was showing them up, by doing too much.  I only wanted to be as good as they were, wanted to be a part of the crowd.

I would appreciate if somebody could let me have their views on the above, sorry for the mish-mash of words I had to get it all out.Yell


Kay  Posted: 01/12/2010 11:30

hi Tom,  good to hear from you.  Your quote is good and one I wish I could apply more each day. 

Does anyone else feel like going mad with all this snow?  Im living in the country, back roads, havent driven since Friday and at this stage I feel like screaming.   aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.   My hubby has to get me to the shops someway today, no meat, no milk no anything left in the house.  I told him I wanted a four wheel drive, but would he listen?  No. all the best guys, keep in touch, its my only outside contact at this stage. 

Tom  Posted: 30/11/2010 20:48

Hi All, good to see all my old friends back on line once more. We re here for each other in difficult times with a hope that good times will shortly follow.

I recently came across quote below and thought I would share it with you all

Finish each day and be done with it.  You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. 

Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.Ralph Waldo Emerson
For me prety good at the moment TG. Kind regards Tom

Kay  Posted: 30/11/2010 16:40

HI Jean, I am so happy to hear from you.As I was reading your post i was thinking "I wonder if jean is still in therapy". You answered that for me though. Jean, your vice when stressed is bullimia, mine is not eating and constant irrational cleaning just before I go to bed. Bullimia is just a symptom of your condition as cleaning obsessively and not eating is a symptom of mine when its in full swing.. Some people drink more, some take drugs but the bottom line is its a symptom not a cause. Your doing the right thing by staying with counselling, its not easy and had i known how hard therapy would be then i probably would not have done it, but..........with the extreme hard times came a knowledge and a deep assurance that once a bad phase passed then the sun would shine and my heart would soar. Now its probably been more bad than good in the last three years but I know its a means to an end and ive educated myself and been educated by my therapist in areas i never would have dreamt. So I suppose im saying yeah you feel crap and you will probably again but its ok, once you stick with therapy and be totally honest and open with your therapist then it will work. and the day will come when you wont have panic and you will be happy to be just you. By the way im heading towards that day but still have crap days and i still have stuff to deal with in therapy and i will, but I know if i work hard and stay with it then I will get there. the change in you will be slow and you wont see thngs change until some day in the future you look back and realise "wow" look how far ive come. I never thought i would be able to work again, and i am, I never thought for a second I would go back to education and I have but most of all ive gained respect for me and that in turn gives me the confidence and ability to stand up for myself and my kids and say when someone upsets and bothers me or them. It is a great freedom and one which you will get to. by the way, do you do a diary at home, just for your eyes? I would recommend you do, its a brilliant way to get anxiety and panic out of your head. Just write down words or sentences, the first thing that comes into your racing mind, it does'nt have to make sense its just like a valve releasing steam. anyway thats my rant, let me know how you get on. Tizzy, i felt my heart lift as I read your post, thanks sooooo much for letting us all know your situ. I think g.p's well a lot of them anyway dont address the cause of depression/anxiety and although I do agree with medication to a degree, or at least in emergencys I think that its important for suffers to get therapy or counselling to get to the source of it and as I have said here many many times, there is always without exception a source for depression/anxiety. we are not born this way and its ususally trauma, emotionally or physical that causes it. good to hear from you, all the best to all my friends ,,,, Kay.

jean  Posted: 30/11/2010 01:24


It's been a while,i do check in here regularly but when there were no new posts for a while i put off writing,i still put things off too much!

Kay the time of year is definitley not helping any of us so it's great to see everyone writing here again,we can all help support each other through these dark months.congratulations on doing your course,you are very brave as it is naturally going to throw up memories for you but i think you're great for doing it as it's something you really want to do.I agree with buzz that being around children can be wonderful,they can bring such natural joy.I used to teach children to ride which i loved as they always had their little stories and they were so happy it made me happy.

buzz..kay has really given you some wonderful advice.put the weekend behind you and remember there are lot's of forms of contraception out there.I thankfully was not abused but have been treated badly by men.I would love a relationship but don't feel ready yet due to my problems.therefore i tend to be with younger men which could be a safety mechanism i don't know.Three weeks ago i spent a couple of nights with a guy 20 years younger than me,it was great at the time but i felt so ashamed afterwards i havn't even told my closest friends.I can not seem to meet any guys over 26,if anyone has any suggestions i would be very glad molly is doing well and she has a buddy,dog's love companions and i know my lil yorkie has given our old lab a new lease of life.

I myself was doing great,back socialising,working in yard and going to competitions huge improvementSmile but i have been really struggling last couple of weeks.panic attacks back,very stressed and am now quite depressed again.although i can now pick out the triggers for my stress i feel unable to do anything.i have a couple of big social occassions coming up which i'd love to go to but my self confidence is at an all time low.when i look in the mirror everything looks so bad that i just want to hide.i do tend to have bulimic episodes and self harm when i feel so ugly but my therapist is starting work on these issues now and i hope with work i can beat these feelings as i hate them!!

to everyone else here,hope thing are going well,i send u my warmest wishes.

Take care all jean

Tizzy   Posted: 29/11/2010 15:27

For over thirty years I have been on anti depressant meds.  I was forever crying and seeing my glass as only half full. What GP, specialists etc. never thought to ask, what my past, present was/is like, just the meds. earlier this year I discussed with my GP that I wanted to wean myself off the meds. He said if you wish, but I know you will go back on them, because in his opinion I required them.  Well I carefully went through my past with a counsellor, made changes in my present, changed my outlook on life, my rules which I lived by and, I haven't looked back.  I am a changed person thank God.  Of course I still feel sadness, but when there is a good reason.  I laugh with the best.  Life is good.

Kay  Posted: 27/11/2010 16:32

Hi lillmissblul, welcome back.  Maybe its time of year or something.  I know I tend to get a little nostalgic at chirstmas and think about all the wrong doings that were done to me.  I think about how hard it has been for me sometimes to do things and in so doing I feel anxious about it and so on and so on and so on.  Maybe im feeling sorry for myself but sure if I dont who will? 

Buzz, look, whats done is done.  Whats happened cannt be changed.  But you can try not to have unprotected sex in the future.  Ok, here goes with the therapist seems to me, that you pick relationships you know cannt go anywhere.  Maybe its a defence mechanism for you or maybe you think you dont deserve to be happy.  But, you do.  And, I know it takes two to tango and all that crap, but am married man???  Hes an arsehole anyway but you have got to treat yourself better.  You deserve better than  a married man who cannt keep it in his pants.  Buzz, you didnt ask for abuse and you dont have to pay for it again and again by abusing yourself and getting into messed up situations.  Chances are you probably arent pregnant, but if you do stuff like that on a reglular basis without protection then you will either end up pregnant or with a disease that will leave you infertile or embarassed.  I know I probably sound like an old moan, but I just think you need to be treated kindly by those around you and most of all by yourself.  Put last weekend down to a mistake and let it go.  you have enough on your plate without punishing yourself more.  Move on, build a bridge and learn from it.  I wish you all the best and i want you to start respecting yourself more, Kay. 

lilmissblue  Posted: 26/11/2010 15:59

Hi All, First of all Im so sorry I havent been on in a long time. Things have been going ok for the last few weeks and I just didnt leave any messages but I have been on a couple of times and read your messages, will not happen again as we should be all here for each other in good and in bad times. Hope you are all well and in good form. Hi to Jane, and hope things are ok for you. I recognise so much of how you are feeling, glad to have a new friend on here, the more the merrier:)! Have found this site such a help, it really helps to know that we are not alone and others do go through this aswell. Last two days have been feeling a little anxious, dont know why. Just worrying about everything again. Have been getting ongoing dental treatment and everything was great but little niggly aches are back since Tuesday! Oh it goes on and on!!! Hugs to all.

buzz  Posted: 26/11/2010 14:27

Hi Kay am doing ok at the mo. Oh dear I was a very sill girl over the weekend. I stupidly stupidly had unprotected sex and now am up the WALL about it. Do you know what's crazy? I cannot believe I got to this stage in life without knowing the full er...facts thereof! I thought it was safe cause it was day 4, but apparently those virile little feckwits can survive for "up to seven days" and so if ovulation occurs by the end of those seven days...eek! All it would take is for them to last seven days and for me to ovulate 2/3 days early and my life is ruined :( No going back to college, no money, the guy I was sleeping with is married (I know, I am evil evil evil and will certainly burn in hell, and deservedly so) - what am I going to do? Too late for MAP and the only other option is the contraceptive coil.. I simply cannot believe I am being this silly. Obviously am worried about being pregnant but am also worried about the patterns that my sexual activities seem to be following - not taking protection, sleeping with a man who belongs to someone else, getting drunk, taking silly risks - I have a bizzare approach to the whole thing and I wonder (and I am no therapist) is this unhealthy approach related to my past? Am I trying to punish myself for what I allowed to happen? (stupid I know but I have always harboured guilt for "letting" my abuser abuse me) or do I just have no confidence with men because of it and feel that my only worth lies in being able to please them?

Do you think there is a chance I might be pregnant? Cry Abortion would never be an option for me.

Kay  Posted: 25/11/2010 16:53

Hi Buzz, thanks for post.  Your right you know, I would say the nos of adults who are now suffering anxiety/depression because of childhood abuse is huge. 

But I am glad your Molly is doing ok.  My two dogs are great company for each other.  I suppose dogs need friends too. 

Is your situation with your partner bearable these days, you seem to be doing better on that score.  Im only asking out of concern. 

all the best Kay.

buzz  Posted: 24/11/2010 11:27

Just saw my typo there Kay so so sorry! I was half asleep this morning!

buzz  Posted: 24/11/2010 09:38

Kat of course it wasn't a rant, I completely agree with you that far more people were abused than we actualaly know about. I remember as a young teen bearing witness to one of my uncles actually telling my granny (his mother) that a priest had abuse him as a child - and she refused to believe him! It came up in conversation how he was a bit "gamey" (as you might say) and how he had a bit of a "fondness for the altar boys" and my uncle said, "well, yes he used to do stuff to me" and my nanny was like, "ah dont be so ridiculous it's all in your head"!!!!! Now I am not for a minute blaming her for what happened, but in those days, priests were so feared by everyone in the community. They could, in the eyes of parents, do no wrong, and I wonder how many other parents were told that the localparish priest was abusing their children, and it fell on deaf ears? Either because they were too afraid to take the church on or they simply did not believe that these men were capable of such crimes? It beggars belief.

The dog is doing fine, she is comfortable. Breathing fine. She's eating and drinking still, plus she has a new "buddy". They have become the best of friends. This little dog is so protective over my one, she sleeps on the bed with her during the day and they have little games and the odd spat :) She also cleans her face and paws for her and they share their food. It's adorable, and I suppose it breaks the monotony and boredom for my little one. Her time is limited, I have made my peace with that, but for now, she is not going anywhere.

Kay  Posted: 23/11/2010 19:48

Thanks Buzz, im convinced that a lot more people were abused than the numbers recorded. I have a theory too, the statistics are one in four, so technically one in four people have been abused at some level. I feel that a lot of suicides in this country are down to abuse. Now that is probably a generalisation but I through my own journey am discovering that a lot of people with depression/anxiety have been abused. Some remember and some dont, like me, for a long time and bury it and hide it. It will come out in some shape or form though. It can cause someone to drink a lot or take drugs or go from bad relationship to another and those are just the ones i can think of off the top of my head. but anyway, thats enough of a rant for me. Is your dog ok?

buzz  Posted: 23/11/2010 10:25

Kay sorry to hear about your bout of anxiety. They can strike out of nowhere. I suppose it's good that you have recognised a potential trigger anyway, and even though it's cliched, it probably is better to sort of face things "head on" as they crop up. I did the opposite, I sort of told people and then just retreated back into my shell so now I am in a situ where my family know what happened, but they dont know who it was and we are all terrified to talk about it. If anything about abuse comes on the news it's really awkward!

It sounds like a great course you are doing, and it will be great to work with children - they can be so refreshing and inspiring.

Kay  Posted: 22/11/2010 16:57

Hi Buzz and Tom..Thankyou both for the posts.  I know what is going on.. Well you both know my history and now ive started to do a  fetac course in childcare which I have to have in order to do play therapy which is what I want to do eventually.  But each class in the fetac course is dedicated to raising children and theri emotional needs and how abused children can be damaged and so on and so on.  But I suppose sitting there listening to my tutor talking about this is bound to stir up a whole host of feelings in me which immediately take me back to the troubled childhood I had.  So, i suspect this is what is behind this period of anxiety.  But............. I am getting a handle on it and am enjoying the course, I am getting great grades and if feels brilliant. 

I did an exercise of play therapy with my own therapist last week and it really brought home to me that as a child I spent every waking moment being petrified.  I was almost afraid to breath as a child.  The best thing for me to do was not be seen or heard and then no-one would notice me so hence they couldnt hurt me.  I find it extremly sad and sometimes overwhelming how a child like myself could have had so much pressure on her shoulders at such a young age. Its not right and i am very bitter over it.  I never either realised the depth of my fear then.  My only saving grace was home.  I know my mother was volatile but i am coming round to her more and more these days and although I know she hurt me sometimes with her harsh tounge and quick hand, she did love me and still does and while she probably didnt realise how much damage she was doing to me and my sister, she did love us and in her own way she did her best, with what she had. 

And so the wheel turns.  I hated my mother but now i am seeing her a bit differently.  I am feeling closer to her, but still cautious.  But I believe it was her and my dad that gave me a stable ground as such, so that when I was being abused in my grannys house, at least I could come home to some sort of relative peace.  I am these days turning my attention to my dad and his distinct absence when I was growing up. He lived with us but was very seldom there.  anyways thats a whole other months work.

thanks guys and sorry for the rant. I hope Buzz your are doing well and how is MOlly?  Tom, I am glad to hear you are doing well, you deserve it.  Keep in touch guys please. I miss all of you.  kay.

Tom  Posted: 22/11/2010 12:23

Hi all and especially to Kay

I hope everyone is getting on ok.

Kay I too miss the forum. For my part somrthing has come up each day that just has prevented me from tuning in. I am sorry to hear that you have not been well in recent times. Personally I have a strong dislike for November as for many years my condition seemed to take a turn for the worst during this month. This year so far so good as far as I am concerned, I hope it continues that way.

Kay from reading your posts I think you are very much aware of anxiety and all the related issues and the awful grip same can have on a person and how quickly things can go from bad to worse. In the short term I would advise what you would advise just to get a handle on it as follows:

Some short walks and good breathing to settle and calm your system as far as possible.

Reduce committments  as you know increasing committments can increase anxiety

Try to get at least an extra hours sleep at night. if you are having difficulty in sleeping get some medication on a short term basis for this.

The biggest one and the one that you consistently observe  to other people and that is to try to analyse what is driving it. When you know what is driving the anxety as you very much know you are starting to win the battle against it 

Last the one I personally found most helpful to me on a short term basis, is to ridicule it, when it flares up, as you know your anxiety is not you.

You are a strong and good person Kay, you will get over this bad patch and I wish you every good fortune while you deal with this anxiety menance

Kind regards to all Tom 


buzz  Posted: 22/11/2010 10:40

Hi Kay whats been going on with you? Hope things are ok xx

Kay  Posted: 21/11/2010 20:38

Hi all, not doing so well in the last few days. where are you all gone? I miss this forum, it always made me feel i wasnt alone in my quest for peace of mind. Can we please get something going here again. kay

Jane  Posted: 11/11/2010 19:57

Hi, has anyone got any advice for me. I've felt anxious/depressed on and off since my teens (now in 30s) and never sought help but now things have become unbearable. I'm nervous all the time and have knots in my stomach and feel sick when I have to talk to people or be social. I sometimes even find it difficult to eat so skip meals. I really would prefer to stay indoors alone all day!It's affecting my job and making me really unhappy which in turn is making me feel depressed. I've always been able to pull myself out of this feeling but recently its become more difficult and I'm losing weight worrying. I decided to visit the doctor today and got very emotional, she prescribed me ciprapine/citalopram. Has anyone taken these, do they work and do they have any side effects. I always said I wouldnt take any medication but I just dont know what to do.


buzz  Posted: 01/11/2010 10:04

Hi all, doing ok. Dog is fine - still eating and enjoying her little games and cuddles and baths so for now, all is well with her. We will know ourselves when her time has come. Kay thanks for asking after her :) Hope all are ok? Its a stressfull time of year now leading up to Christmas.

Kay  Posted: 29/10/2010 18:26

Hi Tom, good to hear from you and I agree, we must keep in contact here with everybody to support each other. It seems to be pretty quite here lately dont know if thats a good sign or bad one. Anyway to all the regulars on this forum. get in touch even if its just to say Hi or Im ok here. Buzz, where are you and how is your dog doing? please let us know. all the best Kay. oh, im ok these days not brilliant but ok.

Tom  Posted: 26/10/2010 17:50

Hi All, Tom here, I hope all my friends on-line had a good bank holiday weekend and that life is well wih you.

I had  a reasonable weekend and things are going relatively ok.

With the imminent arrival of the long dark nights and short winter days I would like if we could all try to support each other and help each other through the Winter period. Kind regards Tom  

Kay  Posted: 16/10/2010 14:20

Buzz, ok time for some advice which you may not want to hear.  If your vet, a professional, has advised you to have her put to sleep, then it sounds like you should. I know too well how hard it is and to let a pet go but when you are keeping her alive for you then its time to re-consider it all.  Buzz, if you get her put to sleep, she wont know, she wont hold it against you, she will just go to sleep and she will be in a much better place.  The final decision is obviously yours, but maybe the time has come.  She will still be around you, she will still visit.  I know my Jessie and Misty come to visit me all the time. (now here is the part where I sound mad).  Sometimes when i am out for a walk, I see them walking at my feet, just out of the corner of my eye.  Its a lovely feeling particularily as I had to get Misty put to sleep and was scared she would never forgive me for it.  Dogs dont judge, they are just themselves, no hidden agenda,no secret mission, they are just without judgement.  You know what, if you decide to let her live for a while longer I certainly wont think any less of you Buzz.  Hope you reach a decision you are happy with. All the best Kay.

buzz  Posted: 15/10/2010 10:58

Not doing too well, was at vet this morning and he is of the opinion that I am being cruel keeping my wee doggy alive, and that I should have her euthanaised. It's an agonising decision to have to make. How do I know if I am acting out of her best interests or my own? I know that to look at her, an outsider might say that she has no quality of life, but isnt life precious in all it's forms? If she was human (and in some ways I think she is more important to me) I wouldnt have people pressuring me to kill her! This morning I was getting ready for work and she was lying up on my bed giving out yards to me and when i turned the hairdryer on, she upped the volume to compete with it! She still loves her food and cuddles and toys and worst of can I possibly euthanaise her when she is still of sound mind? She would know what I was doing to her. This is really very difficult to cope with. I dont know what to do.

Tom  Posted: 13/10/2010 11:56

Hi all, Tom here, good to hear that life is reasonable for you at the moment, as it is for me. Buzz if you are reading these messages I hope that life has got a little better and calmer for you. Regards to all Tom    

Kay  Posted: 12/10/2010 19:58

Hi all Life is ok for me at the moment. Some anxiety coming up due to stuff from the past. I hate having to re-live the terror of abuse all over again.  Its tainted every part of my life, made me completely mistrust people, given me panic and anxiety, made me question every relationship i have in my life at the moment and now worst of all, has me questioning my own father.  What if he did it? What if he abused me too?  Hate this crap. I feel like this is the last big hurdle I have to face and I know I will have to search my memories thoroughly to see if he did touch me.  I dont think in my logic head he did, but still the question is still there.  Nothing makes much sense.  But, I know I will be ok. I know I will be alright, because whatever is thrown at me will make me stronger. (I hope). 

jean  Posted: 01/10/2010 11:18

Hi all

hope people are doing well. this sunshine lifts the spirits a little.

buzz how are you doing??you really have been through the toughest of times.tom is right as hard as it is you need to be on your own right now.are you getting any professional help?it really helps to talk through difficult times even when you can't see how it will help it does little by little.let us know how you are.

all the best jean.

Michael  Posted: 27/09/2010 21:52

Hi everyone. I have posted here before but only to give advice. I would like to ask you to watch the program called " how healthy are you" on TV3 this Wednesday evening at 7.30pm. It's my own story of my experience with anxiety and panic attacks over a period of fourth years. It is featured in the Irish Independent and radio all this week too. It is a story about hope. Its a true story of how I over came my anxiety and started up a support group here in Bray which is running now for two years. I have learned much in the two years of running the group but most importantly is that it works. Please watch the program and make up your own mind. This is not about making me money or brining me some kind of attention but rather its about getting the message out that you do not have to live with anxiety and that there is real help available. Everyone is capable of making a full recovery regardless of how long anxiety has had a hold on them. If nothing else I hope you will be more hopeful for having seen the program.Thanks for taking the time to read this and take care of yourself's.

Tom  Posted: 27/09/2010 15:31

Hi all, Tom here. To Buzz, I have read your posts over recent weeks, you are certainly going through a terrible time, almost too much for one person to bear. For what it is worth I think you did the right thing.

I think you need to stay well away from relationships of any kind (male or female) for a while in order to let your emotional system at least somewhat recover and heal. Then you will be able to see clearer what you want and what is good for you personally.

You are far better off at least in the short term to be on your own than to be with somebody who is making you feel bad. Hard for you do and stick to I appreciate but at the same time very important for you to do.  Try to keep busy and occupied with easy things, that way you will not have time to dwell on things and you will not wear yourself out. Stay off as far as possible the booze, it is not a good friend in times like this. Try to get to bed early and get plenty of rest. As Kay says you will be okay longterm, this is just a very rotten time for you 

Things are okay with me at the moment and I hope all my other friends are doing well All the best Tom

buzz  Posted: 27/09/2010 09:20

Hi all, tough weekend..I left. I had no choice anymore. In a bizzare daze.

Kay  Posted: 22/09/2010 16:14

Hi Buzz, you'rer not stupid. Your just learning through a bad experience that some people cannt be trusted. Its a crap lesson to learn but would you believe me if i told you that you will get through this and be ok? Would you believe me too if I told you that you will look back on this and it wont hurt? This is a bad time for you but ive said it here before, it will pass, the sun will rise tomorrow, you will be fine. Just give it time and most of all be patient with yourself. We all do things that we regret, i know i certainly have. Put it down to life, thats all it is, tough but it is just life. I have yet to meet a person who has never had turmoil or trouble in their lives in some shape or form. Every single person on this planet is here to learn something or manythings. That I truely believe. No-body goes through their lives without upset or heartbreak. Now I understand that none of the above means anything to you but please believe me when i tell you this will pass. You will be ok and you will find the person who deserves you. all the best kay.

buzz  Posted: 21/09/2010 14:18

Having a very bad time lately. Feel like there is nothing left in me. I have no substance anymore. I just exist. Not good. Not good at all. So many different things going on that I just cannot cope with. Confidence has taken a hit. Feel completely used. Feel like an idiot for allowing myself to be used.

buzz  Posted: 15/09/2010 11:06

Why do men do this? It's like, oh yeah I got what I wanted so get lost, and not even have the decency to say "lets not do this anymore" urgh :(

Tom  Posted: 14/09/2010 18:50

Hi all, reading your recent posts it seems that all my friends are suffering to a greater or lesser degree. Just a short post to say that I am thinking of you all and willing you  to get though these difficulties. Kind regards Tom 

buzz  Posted: 14/09/2010 10:04

Hi Jean thanks so much for sharing your experiences. It helps to know that it's normal (ish) to find it hard to hold back. Fair play to you for having the strength to pull back and say, I'm drinking too much or being reckless and this is not good for my mind health! If I am totally honest with myself this is a problem that has been escalating over the past few months - I rarely go to bed without a full bottle of wine in me, as I cannot sleep otherwise. It's one of those things that just creeps up... Also lately I feel like I have really missed out on my youth as I went straight from school to college where I met my current partner and settled down. I thought that was what I wanted but now I am starting to think about all the things I didn't do! That could be why I am "acting out" now. Silly really and a bit pathetic at my age but thats how it is.

Re the boy, wow he is still recking my head (or rather I am recking my own head thinking about him) I just cannot move past him... I know its because I (stupidly) gave him something that I shouldnt have done so soon, and obviously for me it was special cause he was my first..and it's increasingly obvious that for wasn't special and I could have just been anyone to put another notch in the bedpost. Also super paranoid right now that the morning after may not have worked... feel weird and pre-menstrual. It was nearly forty eight hours before I managed to get to a clinic that weekend so the chances of it working may not have been great...Breasts are sore (which I assumed were attributed to the pill) and also had a light bleed after which again I thought was the pill but apparently on day six of pregnancy an "implantation bleed" can occur - argh! Is it to early for a test?

Glad that your meds have started to kick in, and a lower dose too is good, less side effects. How is your depression now? At least we've got through Monday!

jean  Posted: 13/09/2010 17:48


buzz i have been where you are.i am in general a level headed responsible good person but over the last few years would change when i went out socially.i would go out with the best of intentions of not drinking too much but would end up partying till dawn!this also led me to behave recklessly with men which most of the time i would be angry about.i did it for different reasons..drink gave me confidence,also finding life so difficult to cope with it felt good letting go until the next morning when i didn't really like myself!so i can relate to what you are going through.sounds to me that like me you don't want to be acting like's taken me a lot of time not to drink heavily on a night out and i still have the occassional blip but i am much happier now going out and having mostly soft drinks,i would still have a couple of vodkas too.i recently went to a party til 4 am and it was fantastic waking up the next morning and not feeling sick at remembering how drunk i was the night before!!it's not easy and i have to constantly remind myself when i am out how badly i will feel if i drink too much and the wonderful thing is that i now have a great time when i go out without the embarressment Laughingyou are going through such a tough and confusing time emotionally right now it's no wonder this is happening to you.

men do get inside your kay says women nearly always have an emotional connection with sex but men often don't.unfortunatley it sounds like he was just after the's normal that you feel strongly towards him.we can't just switch off our emotions but if he is not contacting you then he isn't worth it and the best advice i can give is to keep busy,have fun and try and remember it's his loss!

i had a very bad week last week.really sunk into depression.couldn't get to see the doctor but finally did on now on a lower dosage of the drug that made me high and fingers crossed it's starting to kick in nicely.have just had a very good day so hopefully it will last.

kay you are so strong keep fighting it is are so right about irish people not being able to say no,i am trying to add it to my vocabulary!

best wishes to everyone else,jean.


buzz  Posted: 13/09/2010 10:49

Kay thanks for the advice. It being number three was my biggest fear but I suspect it may be true. He did text over the weekend but I held back and didn't reply. Although I really like him and would love for us to be together again I do not think it would be wise - would feel like going backwards now that I am over the worst of getting over the whole thing. My friend thinks that he is just being a guy and taking it slowly... it's impossible to tell!

buzz  Posted: 13/09/2010 09:24

Bad weekend - ended up getting drunk on Friday afternoon, did some illegal drugs (two firsts in one week!) I know from the outset it looks like textbook death wish behaviour - unprotected sex and illegal drugs. I dont know why I am being so reckless these days...maybe I just no longer care what happens to me anymore?

How were everyone elses weekends?

Kay  Posted: 12/09/2010 12:39

Hi Bizz, no not all men are like this. But having said that they do think totally different from women. Men get bad press a lot of times, but there are good men out there. I am inclined to think maybe your third point could be right. Men in general dont associate sex with feelings, but women again in general but not all, tend to put their hearts into it with more feelings. I dont want this to be a generalised comment because certainly not all men are that fickle but it has been researched and surveyed extensively in later years that this is the case. So, he could have just moved on or he could be one of those people who will in his own time get in touch with you. Are you trying to contact him? I think I wouldnt for a while. let me know how it goes.

Hi Tom, Jean, Lillmissblue, twentyone, scared and all my pals. let us know how you are all doing please. all the best Kay.

buzz  Posted: 10/09/2010 09:16

Hi Kay glad that things are going well for you. I don't think this guy has a partner as I was in his house and there weren't any signs but then again... I think it's more likely one (or some or all!) of the following three:

1. He doesn't know it was my first time and he thought the sex was really bad

2. He is still playing the field and dating others so keeping his options open

3. He got what he wanted so he is no longer interested

Cannot believe how much he is actually getting inside my head. It's just ridiculous, Are all men like this?

Kay  Posted: 09/09/2010 20:48

Hi Buzz, im doing pretty good.  Working away with therapy and doing my writting so doing good. 

You are only 26 you are so young and you have a lot of years ahead of you.  You are entitiled to feel confused under the circumstances. Seeing as this man is running hot and cold, does he have a partner that hes trying to keep secret? That could explain why hes not deciding on dates until the very last minute.  Just a thought.  Also, most men have committment issues on some level.   Eitherways, I think kerry is right, you pull back and dont text or ring him. Oh by the way, does he know it was your first time being with a man?  This will all come right Buzz, it will pass and all become clearer.  let us know how it goes.

Hi Jean, good to hear from you.  I like you can overload myself with things to do and people to please.  Its been a hard lesson to learn but I now try and suit myself. Of course helping others if I can but not to the detriment of my health and mind.  Saying NO is not something the Irish in general do well.  We are a race that cannt say no and cannt put ourselves first. 

buzz  Posted: 09/09/2010 11:27

Hi Kerry thanks so much for the advice. TBH it's probably best if I dont see him can only lead to heartache - and if this is how I am feeling after only a few dates, what a mess would I be if it were to continue for a couple of months and then end? EEK! Hope all are doing well? Kay how are things with you?

Kerry  Posted: 08/09/2010 16:25

Hi Buzz, guys don't think like us regarding this, be cool and calm. Do not text or contact him, as tempting as it is, it may come across as needy. I know thats easier said than done! Let him contact you. I would'nt worry about any rules concerning making plans today for friday. You may hear from him tonight anyway. I have let my emotions take over regarding a guy I like, but have learned (the hard way) to take a step back and keep myself occupied, as it was wrecking my head how hot and cold he was blowing. He ended it then came back. It killed me to stick to not pour my guts out via a text to him, just to let him know how p*ssed off I was! Try to keep yourself busy, and give it a bit of time.

buzz  Posted: 08/09/2010 15:28

Feel like a complete idiot, this guy is totally messing me around. I know any sensible woman would shrug it off and say his loss and move on but I seem to be incapable of doing that. He is blowing hot and cold, giving mixed signals and seems unwilling to commit to any sort of a date until that morning - which says to me he is holding out to see if he gets a better offer? Maybe am being paranoid - any of the girlies want to help me out on this one? Perhaps he is just being typically male (sorry guys) and being vague because it is early days etc? I always thought if someone likes you and wants to see you at the weekend, they should ask you early on to ensure you dont make other plans? Rather than assume you will be sitting by the phone waiting to hear from them? I know I am over-invested now because he was my I can see how I would be more involved than him at this confused! Spoke to a few mates and they all reckon that for a Friday night date, Wednesday evening is the cutoff, ie if he asks after that I should say I have already made plans - reminds me of "The Rules" lol

Would really appreciate any advice on this one...

jean  Posted: 08/09/2010 10:00

What a wonderful site,it's so good to have somewhere to be able to open up freely!

buzz..i think that opening up and sharing your experiences here is fantastic and will help you through,a lot of the time all we need is someone to talk to!kay made a lot of sense and it can be re assuring when someone say's what we are feeling.honestly i don't know many people who wait for the right guy these days,most just throw it away myself included so i think it's great you found someone you trusted and really fancied!i can imagine that this could be an emotional time for u so anything you need to talk about write away here.hope molly is doing ok.

kay..i hope things are improving for you.your mind really seems to be taking over,just keep remembering how strong you have come through so much,you are a real fighter and deserve so much happiness.

I found the last couple of weeks quite soon as i started doing small things again i did more and more.i ended up finding myself in the same situation as i am still learning to deal with the panic attacks going anywhere is quite exhausting so by taking on loads and making lots of plans i was unable to follow through with everything which caused me to get upset and depressed.the weekend was quite scary as i was back lying on the couch again.i have realised that once again i was trying to do too much too soon,i just find it so hard having to say no to things and am really trying to focus on the long term as i know the only way to get there is to take things slow.i think a lot of it is trying to show other people look i am ok now,i can do anything you can,silly!patience is soo difficult!

lilmissblue,tom and everyone else hope you are doing good..all the best


buzz  Posted: 07/09/2010 09:25

Hi Kay no I am not offended at all! In fact, you just vocalised my exact thoughts that I was afraid to say aloud so thank you. I remember in school, I had this teacher who was really lovely and helped me out so much with personal issues and when I was trying to cope with memories of abuse and general confusion re sexuality. She did say that maybe I was in fact, straight but was gravitating towards women because I was afraid of being intimate with men. Of course being a strong willed teen I dismissed it out of hand! I wasn't with men or women in fact until college, and there I found friendship and acceptance amongst the LGBT society...then I met my current partner and you know the history there - she is controlling and manipulative and I want out but feel trapped... So yes reading what I just wrote and being objective I suspect we are both right - that I need to "come in"!!! EEK!! Sealed

I am sorry to say that I am in fact being unfaithful by being with this man and I know there is NO excuse and I do feel rotten about that...

I am 26 so a very late starter in this whole thing!

Kay  Posted: 06/09/2010 18:03

Hi Buzz, I think you are right about repressed memories and the fact that I am petrified in case more come to me. But anyway. Your post got me curious. Can I ask what age you are? So you are gay but just enjoyed your first experience with a man? You are confused? And you just told us you were abused too. O.K. Im really going out on a limb here there anyway you chose a relationship with a woman because it was safer than men? And where is your partner in this situation? Dont mind me asking questions please I dont mean to offend i am just concerned. And by the way for what its worth, the first time does hurt. Its been a while but i can vaguely remember. talk soon, kay.

buzz  Posted: 06/09/2010 09:31

Good morning all, its well and truly gone now!

Warning: what follows is an account of my "first time" which may bore to tears so no need to read on if you dont wish to! :)

OK so nothing actually prepares you for how bizzare and monstrous the whole experience actually is... It really is one of those things that you wont know what it is like until you do it.

Am a little saddened and disappointed this morning as I think he has lost interest...but I suppose it was never going to be an everlasting love so its better to get out now than weeks or months down the line when there is much more at stake.

I know some people get lucky and save themselves for the right man...I didnt but I dont regret it. It was really lovely and fun and exciting, and he was very gentle and considerate. He slowed when I asked him to and didnt seem to mind that we were a little "conventional". It was quite painful too though, which came as a shock (v.v.v stingy) I guess I expected it to be an easier affair given my age and that, but turns out everything was still intact. Was quite a shock. Actually thought I was haemorrhaging on Saturday morning! Bruised on Sunday morning too, and ended up having to get the MAF (very irresponsible I know!) but even though at the time I thought we were sure of my dates, on Saturday I started getting a little worried and figured was better to be safe than sorry.

Have heard from him a few times since and as I said I THINK he has lost interest but not sure. Probably for the best.

Sorry for boring you all, just wanted to share the exp, nobody else really to talk to!

Dont regret it because at least now I know what its's something that I wanted to experience and even though there is no future, at least I did it with someone that I trusted and felt comfortable with (oh and really fancied lol)

Hope all are well? xxx

buzz  Posted: 03/09/2010 09:22

Kay how terrible for you. Has your counsellor given you any insight as to why you might be having these fears re your dad (obviously having been abused then there will always be that fear of repressed memories of other abuse) I can understand the fear because I was abused (though I know it was just one person) but I sometimes wonder if I have blocked out some of the details. I think he only went so far...but then I think, hang on, what if more than that was done? The important thing to remember is that we are not to blame and we came through on the other side and we survived and that is an achievement.

Hope you have a lovely weekend.

Kay  Posted: 02/09/2010 23:32

Hi Buzz, sorry to hear about your turmoil at the moment.  You know what, ive come to the conclusion that just when we get comfortable with who we are and think we know what makes us tick, something happens. It all goes on its head and it makes us stop and think of our lifes and our purpose all over again. If we believe in faith and all being a part of a bigger picture, and I do for the record, then I suppose if everything stayed the same then we would not learn or discover something new about ourselves. Having said that i sure wish that things would stay at least level.  So as not to throw us into confusion.

I am doing ok, just ok. Having palpitations on a regular basis and feeling a little fryed to say the least. I still have issues with my dad and the mega fear in my head that he might have abused me is still there. I am working on it though. I had a very unsafe childhood and the only adult that was level for me was dad.  No other adult in my life was safe for me from the age of 4, my mother was volatile and while I now understand she did her best, she wasnt safe to be around when she was in one of her moods.  So to have myself now doubting my dads intentions is hugely scarey hence the palpitations.  I know I have put him on a pedestal since i was young and am working on taking him off. I know that my mums rages were probably fuelled by dads absence. He would always provide monitery wise but he pretty much worked, hunted, fished or went somewhere else as long as it wasnt home.  I am scared, very scared. If i cannt have one adult that was just kind then how the hell did I survive.  Thanks for asking Buzz.   

buzz  Posted: 01/09/2010 10:00

Hi Lilmissblue thanks for the info. I have him in the "freezer" at the moment so remains to be seen how eager he is. I know I should not play mind games but I need to know if he is genuine.

Hope you and everyone else are doing well? Kay how are you doing?

Regards all, hugs

lilmissblue  Posted: 31/08/2010 19:27

Hey all, hope you are all doing good at the moment!

Hi Buzz, you cant help how you feel or who you fall for. Maybe this is a new chapter in your life and it makes you happy. He may not run a mile if he knew you were gay, but maybe you should wait to see if he is worthy of sharing that with him. You deserve to be happy Buzz regardless if it means being with a man/woman or by yourself. Please dont feel alone, we are all here for you. "United we stand, divided we fall"!

Im ok at the moment, more good days than bad ones:)! Still having trouble with my teeth, but guess Im just going to have to put up with it til I know for sure which one is causing the trouble!

Thinking of you all.

buzz  Posted: 31/08/2010 12:43

Hi all had a very strange couple of days, so confused. Have met someone else (well we are just having a bit of a laugh I think) but went out over the weekend and ended up going very far with him (yes, HIM) I had no idea I felt this way about men! What the heck is going on with me? At this stage in my life I should know what I want! Feel so confused and alone and guilty and like a really really horrible person. I honestly cannot believe that after a quarter of a century of being gay, I find out I actually like men. This doesnt happen! Whats worse is this guy doesnt know as I am sure he would run a mile if he found out. Plus starting to really like him but suspect he is only after one thing - he kind of blows hot and cold. So complicated..... Sorry to dump, have nobody else to talk to.

Kay  Posted: 23/08/2010 18:25

Jean, you are doing great. It takes time to get well. As my therapist tells me often, it took a long time to get ill in the first place so it will take some time and patience to get well. You know what, theres nothing wrong with taking meds to help you cope. Its ok to take what you need.I know i dont leave home without xanex. Now they are gone out of date and i havent had to take one in years but they are like my safety net, my crutch. If i really do feel bad enough then i would take one. My issues with dad havent gone or gotten worse or better. I wonder if i had a regression done would the truth(whatever it may be) come out. I would rather find out the truth than live a life not knowing being eaten away by it. And then on the other hand if he has done something to me, i dont really want to know either.Doesnt make sense. This is wrecking my head. My husband thinks my dad is so nice, everybody does, I do too. So why the hell am i so scared? Dad isnt sly or sneaky or devious. He is not emotional and has never made excuses to hug me or any woman. Hes never made me feel uncomfortable or uneasy so whats going on in my head then????? if i am repeating myself i am sorry just trying to empty my head of constant chatter. kay.

jean  Posted: 23/08/2010 16:37

Hi All

Buzz that's wonderful that you have such a good physio for molly.once you have one good supportive professional like that will really help you in keeping molly as well and as happy as she can be and she sounds like a very happy dog.i agree we have to take every second of happiness that comes our way and animals especially give us so many moments of laughter and joy.

kay it's so sad to hear how scared you are an incredibly brave and strong person to be going on with life the way you are.i hope and pray that this terror is just your mind.did you go to ikea?it's great to have something to focus on like doing up the kitchen,you can get such fabulous stuff!

i myself had a very productive weekend.i am flying when i am at home and in my own little yard but once i step out of my comfort zone,the nervousness takes over.i even have to take my tranquilliser every week when going to my therapist because while in the waiting room i really panic yet i can deal with anyone coming into my yard.i have to see this as an improvement as up to about 6 weeks ago i couldn't handle seeing anyone at all.therapy has helped me more than i could have ever hoped for.

hope everyone else is doing well and had a nice weekend.


Kay  Posted: 21/08/2010 11:41

Hi Buzz, nothing much planned for weekend. Might go to ikea to get some stuff for my kitchen(much needed makeover). I saw my dad the other evening and i was ok. Don't know whats going on in my head but hopefully i will get there.You hear about people whose fathers have abused them but they bury it so far in their head that they just carry on as normal. I hope my situ. is not one like that. I told my sister my fears and she is trying to understand but I feel she has no idea how scared I am. I am sorry to hear you are stressed about your molly, I said before here I kept my sick dog alive for a year trying different vets and meds but in the end i had to let her go. She was in a sorry state and in much pain. But i too like you would fight for molly to live. If shes eating and wagging her tail and has a good decent quality of life then keep on going with her. I did think of taking meds Tom, but in the end I didnt. I am taking nytol to help me sleep but i am coping in the day time. so far. thanks for advice and hello to all my pals. all the best Kay.

buzz  Posted: 20/08/2010 15:37

Kay, Tom, Lilmissblue how are you all doing? Anything nice planned for the weekend?

buzz  Posted: 20/08/2010 15:36

Hi Jean thanks so much for your advice and kind words. So many people are against us its refreshing to feel like I have someone on side. Actually her physiotherapist would be considered on her side too now that I think of it. She's amazing - so good with her and never once made me feel like I was taking things too far. Had to be in early today so only had a glass of wine last night. Had her out for a little "run" yesterday evening (we have slings that we use to give her support, though she can still dictate the direction she goes, and run with her front legs) My Mother was throwing the ball for her and myself and the dog were tearing after it like eejits - her yipping and doing her gimpy run and me holding her up while stooped to her level, puffing like a 60 a day geriatric! We both collapsed after a few minutes on the grass and I honestly could not stop laughing. I think her situation is so tragic that if you cant find the humour in it somewhere, you will just give up. I gave God thanks for just those couple of minutes of joy we had and will live off the memory of that in years to come. My Mam's friend took in her mother years ago when she had a stroke as the whole of one side of her body was paralysed. My Mum told me that there was one day her friend was trying to lift her mother and the two of them fell into a heap on the floor and lay there laughing about it until a workman found them. Laughing We take our happiness wherever the hell we can find it I suppose.Laughing Will be taking her swimming later, she's great at that because the water takes her weight. Hopefully she will sleep tonight - she had me up four times last night!

jean  Posted: 20/08/2010 10:17

Buzz your reaction is normal,you are frustrated and upset and this is making you find it difficult to cope,understandable! I don't know what vets you use but my friend is a top nurse in a practice in dublin. Everyday they have dogs in with similar stories to yours.what i love is that they completely understand how much the animal means to its owner,that it is part of the family and as important as any person to them. One dog in at the moment is blind and on a drip,they spend so much time untangling the drip which they really don't have time for but they do it because this dog means so much to it's owner. If you would like to send me your e mail address,i will send you name,number of practice.i will also fill my friend in on how desperate you are to find out what is wrong,how molly is your life and u will do anything for her. She is fantastic and would do everything she can to help u.

I totally understand your drinking,for me when it gets unbearable i take extra meds to knock myself out,to shut my head up,get some rest!but as we both know it such a short term fix and only leads to more problems.if u can try not and drink too much,write here instead and though it's what's stressing you out remember molly needs a sober non hungover mummy!!


jean  Posted: 19/08/2010 17:14


Tom that is such a good point,kay you have been through so much this summer,we all cope with the first thing that goes wrong even the 2nd and 3rd but eventually our mind can't take anymore and for us all it reacts in different tom says keep reaching out for the support.i wish i had more practical advice but we are all here for you and you can talk to us here you know writing here or on your own will help you through this terrible you i believe this all happens for a reason and can only make us stronger though i wish we didn't have to go through bad times like you are having now,you are in my thoughts and prayers.

hope everyone else is doing well,i myself am ok,mood up and down but getting there! jean.

buzz  Posted: 19/08/2010 16:58

Hi All

Sorry to dump but I actually think I am having some sort of meltdown. Still havent found a diagnosis for my poor dog (and have bankruted myself sending her for tests, scans etc) - I actually did something I never thought I'd do and that would disappoint and anger my parents so much if they knew - I availed of a moneylender. I had to borrow a thousand to cover the cost of an MRI. I had no choice in the matter...I would do anything for her. Not that it made a difference because we still know nothing about her condition. The red tape and bureaucracy in the veterinary system is unreal. And all the time I am jumping through hoops and vets are fleecing me...her time is running out.

I have an ache in my throat from trying to stifle sobs, palpitations and a feeling of frustration and grief. Why do I have to fight so hard for my little one? Why do so called vets make everything so difficult  - arent we all working towards the same goal? To help the animal? They act as if I am trying to do something illegal when all I want are answers. I suspect many people are of the opinion that she should have been euthanased by now, and so they are unwilling to get involved but you know what thats OUR choice. Its between me and her. She is my dog...I am her person..and I have enough trust in our bond to know that she will tell me when her time has come. And if there is still a chance that she could improve and have a nice quality of life for a year even...who the hell am I or anyone else to deprive her of that chance? If it were me, I would want people to fight for me because life, even in its imperfect forms, is damn precious.

I think I will hit the drink tonight...something I have been doing a lot lately but nothing else helps stop the constant chatter in my head.

lilmissblue  Posted: 18/08/2010 23:16

Hi Kay,

I have to say I agree with Tom's advice (tops as usual Tom), maybe just try something mild just to give your head some peace and space for a little while. It may even help to get your thoughts clear and hopefully clear up these awful feelings. Please know that you are not alone and we are all here for you as you are for each and every one of us. You are so special to so many people and given time Im sure you will get the truth and peace that you so deserve. My mam had an angel reading and she asked if I will come through my anxiety, apparently I will and my grandad (who died when I was only 3) is with me though it all! But the girl told my mam that I should get a clear quartz stone (wash it with cold water and hold it my hand to put my energy into it) and it helps to take my anxious feelings. I did buy one and have held it in my hand when I feel a little anxious and hopefully it helps! Maybe you could try this Kay, and hopefully it may help too. I myself would try anything!

You're in my thoughts Kay.x.

Hi to all my other friends, Tom, Jean, Scared, TwentyOne and Buzz and everyone else, thinking of you all!

Tom  Posted: 18/08/2010 17:28

Kay, your very welcome for any advice. I have re- read your recent posts, you sound to me like you are in the middle of a bad patch at the moment.

As you know, I am reluctant to recommend any medical drugs as in my view they only mask problem(s). However in your case at this moment in time, I think you might consider in the short term some mild tranquilisation, to allow your mind and thoughts to rest and for you to re-gather your mental strength. You need to try to step away from this present sewer that you find yourself in at the moment. You know logically you can overcome these thoughts and live a good and happy life.

You have alot going for you, but from your posts you have been receiving a constant battering all Summer (example therapist away, burgulary, inlaw fighting) etc, etc. The combined and cumulative effect of all of these events, I think has somewhat worn your resistance down (as they would most people's) and so your most vunerable and weak point/ fear, is having a field day at the moment, thus making you very unhappy.

I think you need to rest and reach out for lots of different support, (as you know some will work for you some won't). However in a short while you will be well able to deal with these dragons when you regain your sense of perspective.  We are all here for you and willing you on. Kind regards Tom     

Kay  Posted: 18/08/2010 14:47

Oh you guys, thanks for the support I cannopt tell you all how much it means to me. I have spoken to my therapist at length about my misstrust in all men who were around me when I was a child. I know too that what happened to me could be clouding my judgement of my dad. I wish i could get to the source of this because its eating away at me. Tom, I have no evidence of my dad abusing me, none at all. I look at the man he is now, innofensive, kind and adores my kids. Could I be wrong, could I only see what I want to see. Is it possible that underneath he is an evil man? Oh god i hope not. I have played out all these scenarios in my head over and over but come to no conclusion. Your advice is good Tom so thankyou. Lillmissblue, you are right too, in a way everything concerned with the man who abused me is mixed up with my feellings for my dad. I know this man told me that what he did to me as a child was natural and that even though he wasnt my dad he said that all dads do those things to their daughters. Maybe then i spent years waiting for my dad to hurt me too. Maybe I was so scared he would that now its tainted my view on my dad. Or maybe this is all wishful thinking. I dont know I really dont. Hi Jean, thanks for your support and yeah your right i have been through some bad bad stuff but i am still here which does account for something i suppose. I think that in some way that what i have gone through in the past few years is leading me to a bigger picture. I believe that this all happened for a reason and when im done remembering abuse and got over the other side then my life will take me somewhere spectacular and meaningful and above all I will have a deep understanding of who i am and how strong i have been and possibly help those like myself. Buzz thanks for the virtual hug. You guys, when i read your posts i had a warmness in my heart and a tear in my eye. So thanks again. Kay.

buzz  Posted: 18/08/2010 13:49

Kay, we are all here for you and I hope that your feelings of panic and fear will dissipate soon. Perhaps because it was a male figure that violated your trust as a child, you have associated this with other male figures? I have no training though so I don't know. Am sending you a virtual hug Smile

jean  Posted: 18/08/2010 12:15

Kay my heart goes out to you right now,you have been through so much hurt and pain.both tom and lilmissblue i feel have given very good help,the mind is so powerful,it's so hard to know what is going on with it at your therapist as you have been doing,they will get you through this awful hurdle.we are all here for you and keep remembering those that love you through these terrible are a wonderful strong person and you have really helped me to live a happier life.i hope with all my heart your therapist can help you get through this and to the other side real soon.

hope everyone else is doing well,jean.

Tom  Posted: 17/08/2010 21:11

Kay, Tom here, my response for what it is worth. Figuratively speaking I think you need to grasp this emotional tiger and squeeze the life out of it. Very easy for me to say I appreciate, very hard for you to do.

Look at the evidence, you do not have any concrete evidence about your Dad so let that stand. Your mind may be "acting up" because of your other traumatic experience and it may be your mind that is manufacturing this crisis.

I think it is perfectly understandable that you could arrive in this space because of your previous experience. You are not going mad or anything like it. I know you well enough from your other posts (some to me directly) that you can appreciate how the mind can sometimes play these games on us.

Stand back coolly, examine the evidence. Yes your Dad had a drink problem, you clearly remember that. In the event that he had acted inappropriately to you when drunk, I venture to suggest that you would remember this clearly as well. I have been there, my father was a chronic and abusive drinker. I remember clearly his drinking and also his poor behaviour when drinking.

Get various opinions on this, my opinion for what it is worth is that you are presently going through a rough time, you need support, we are all here for you on this site as you have been for us numerous times in the past.  Take care of yourself at this difficult time. Hello to all my other friends on the site. Kind regards Tom  

lilmissblue  Posted: 17/08/2010 19:53

Kay, I really feel for you right now. Did you therapist recommend anything about this feeling? You have been hurt enough and I really hope that this is just a feeling and not real for you. Could it be that you have been hurt so much by this man whom should have been trusted that it has clouded memories of your dad. You will get through this Kay and you will get to the bottom of it with the right help. We are all here for you, and will help in any way we can.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Hi to everyone else, hope you are all in a good place at the moment.

Kay  Posted: 17/08/2010 17:51

Oh guys I am in a pretty bad place. Most of you know im in counselling for the last few yrs for sexual abuse when I was a child. The man that did this to me was a grandad figure. But all along ive always been afraid that my dad might have hurt me too. I have not had any flashbacks of him but have an underlying fear and panic around it that wont go away. Ive had this fear on and off in the last few yrs but this time it wont go. I dont think i could breathe if my dad had hurt me and yet this deep unsettling feeling that there is something there wont go. I spoke to my therapist today about it as I have done many times before and I had a surge of panic and utter despair when with her. I am so scared to rememb er bad things. I love my dad and although we dont have an emotionally close relationship and its never been tactile I dont want to remember. I am struggling here. My dad used to drink and gave it up when i was 12,i dont know if her touched me inappropriately when he was drunk or what, but there is something there and i am very very afraid. Help me please.

Tom  Posted: 16/08/2010 12:43

Hi to all my friends, hope everyone is doing well. Fantastic sunshine and weather yesterday, I hope everyone got to enjoy it. Kind regards Tom

Kay  Posted: 15/08/2010 14:03

Thanks Kmd, I might start treating others with reiki then just to see what the feed back is. Hi to all my friends hope you are all doing ok. Kay

kmd  Posted: 14/08/2010 21:58

hello everyone, just read few comments on this page,   just want to say to kay that i think reiki is brilliant, did reiki 1 over a weekend a few years ago, had a fantastic weekend, really enjoyed it,   i would recommend a reiki treatment to anyone, it helped me greatly at a time in my life when i was going through a bad patch,  also members of my family have had treatments and also benefited from it.    it is just so relaxing. 

lilmissblue  Posted: 11/08/2010 11:23

Hi all,

Great to hear from you Jean, thank god you got those meds sorted! The last thing you want is to be up all night, its amazing how better you feel after so good rest! Im so glad you had some great help during the panic attacks and that you had a good week with the horses. You so deserve it! Thanks for thinking of me, going back to the dentist on Friday for a review, im not in as much pain now just the odd twinge which i can live with as long as it either stays that way or just goest away in time. Just finished the antibiotic today yay, oh how they made me feel sick!

Hi Kay, hope you're keeping well. Have never had sinus before although my mam suffers with it which affects her head mostly. I now understand and sympathise to all sufferers! Hopefully im sorted now.

Hi also to Scared, Tom, Buzz and Twenty One, hope you are all well.

Talk soon.

jean  Posted: 10/08/2010 20:26

Hi All

Things certainly changed for psychiatrist put me on a mood stabiliser which definitely lifted the depression but i went totally the other way,didn't sleep for a week yet was out with friends,rode horses scared me so i went back to my doctor who reduced the dosage and then took me off it as it was so not right for me! i managed to go see my horse jump last week and although i had some panic attacks during the week one quite bad i had a very good friend who helped me through them and had a great time.

kay so sorry to read about the tough time you have been going through with your sister in law,there are truly some selfish people out there and it's the poor child who ends up suffering.i agree with whats been said and you are so strong that with your therapist you will get through this too,though i think you are fantastic going 5 weeks alone well done!

lilmissblue i have my fingers tightly crossed that they will get to the bottom of your pain.there is nothing more wearing than pain which then leads to sleeplessness and anxiety..a viscious circle!

tom,buzz and everyone else i hope things are good for u all at the mo.

take care jean.

Kay  Posted: 07/08/2010 12:31

Thanks lillmissblue, you are kind.  I might start experimenting with rieki on some pals, dont know yet. I will think about it some more.  I am sorry to hear you arent getting relief with you teeth.  I get sinus infections all the time and I have to say the whole side of my head hurts when I do.  I have been using nasal spray for 12 yrs now and I know its not good for me but until i get something else that works on clearing my sinuses then thats what i have to use.  I hope the anti-biotics work for you. 

Hi Francis, good to hear from you.  Hope you keep posting here. 

Hi to my other pals hope you are all ok. Tom, Buzz, twentyone, Jean and scared. 

lilmissblue  Posted: 06/08/2010 13:53

Hi all,

Kay, have never tried Reiki. If you're as good at it as you are at giving advice and helping others, you would be brilliant at it.

Hi Frances, hope you are keeping well. Glad to meet a new friend!

Just thought I update, had to go back to the dentist this morning. Was all uptight about going but fine now that its over. Was up all night with my teeth and earache. Well again, they can find no dental cause and say my teeth are in pristine condition! But he gave me an antibiotic as he thinks they could be a sinus infection and if i get no relief by Monday i've to make an appt with my doctor to check ears! So sick of it, please all keep you fingers crossed that this works and clears up my pain completely!!!

Have a great weekend, talk soon.

Frances  Posted: 06/08/2010 11:40

Hi All,

Went through "the mill" healthwise so I haven't written for ages!!!!

Am still in hospital but doing well and hope to be home next week.

Hope you are all doing well xx

Kay  Posted: 05/08/2010 21:14

Thanks Buzz and lillmissblue for your support. Its still all quiet here. No explosion yet.  But I was back to therapy today for the first time in 5 weeks, I spoke to my therapist about the situ and she said basically the same as you guys.  I know Ive done the right thing and I know too I might need to say more about it.  I will keep you posted I am still a bit anxious about things. all the best guys hope you are doing ok. 

By the way just throwing this out there.  Have any of you ever heard of or had Reiki done?  The reason I ask is, I am trained in Reiki 2 and could set up a practice if i wanted but not sure.  I havent done reiki on other people accept me and hubby and lots of animals.  Not sure if I would be any good treating other people.  anyway talk soon. thanks again you guys you are the best.

lilmissblue  Posted: 05/08/2010 13:48

Hi Kay,

I totally agree with Buzz, I have to say she really sounds like a nasty piece of work. What a horrible person! How dare she look down her nose at you and gossip about your personal life, hopefully 'what goes around comes around' really gets to her. She sounds like she deserves to be dealt some of her nastiness back.

Keep strong, your a million times the person and mother that she is! And if the outbursts happens, stay strong and lay some truths on her. That's what will hurt her most, and as for not allowing her son to see his gran is unforgiveable espically when they had a relationship. She's playing a very dangerous game that just might come back to haunt her -her son may never forgive for this when he's older.

Good luck and keep posting, we're always here as you are for all of us!

Hi to Buzz, hope you're doing well at the moment.

buzz  Posted: 05/08/2010 09:30

Hi Kay

God she sounds like a selfish piece of work. She's probably giving you the silent treatment because she's not used to anyone actually confronting her and is not sure how to deal with it. You did the right thing, you were the only one with enough of a spine to stand up for an elderly woman who was being taken advantage of. Hopefully the others will see your example and back you up. Whereas I can understand your hubby not wanting to cause a rift, there comes a point where too much is being let go for the sake of being polite. I suspect this woman knows this, and is taking full advantage.

Like I said, you did nothing wrong as people like her need to be shown that they cant walk all over others. With regards not allowing her son to see his Gran, it's a sad but unfortunate fact that people will often use their kids as weapons to hurt each other or to make a point. That is her issue, and it's not your fault, though the fact that she would stop her son from seeing his Gran when he haas spent so much time with her speaks volumes about how little regard she has for both of them.

Kay  Posted: 04/08/2010 19:37

Hi all. Heres the sit:  1/  Mother in-law recovering from cancer she is almost 70. 2/  Hubbys brother married to very selfish woman  3/  This woman gave birth to three kids age 3, 5 and 8 but doesnt like raising them she would like someone else to do that for her.  4/  She leaves her kids especially the 8yr old who is a handful with mother in law all the time, sometimes for days and nights at a time,never phoning to see if hes ok or bring him home to his own house.  5/  My hubby has three sisters who give out about this situ all the time but seem unwilling to rock the boat by saying something to this woman.  6/  This has been going on for yrs.  7/  Lately mom in law has been bringing the 8 yr old to my house to play with my kids. As she is physically exhausted by minding him herself. 8/  Now everytime I turn around hes on my doorstep.  The other day I had him here or 5 hours. I had come home from work and there he was.

9  I should point out at this stage this woman would not give me the time of day let alone ever take care of my kids.  Needless to say we dont get on.  10/  So, I spoke out and said something.  Now its all gone quite.  I am expecting there to be an outburst and waiting is causing me anxiety.  I am glad I said something but also a little aprehensive.  This woman sits on her backside a lot and gossips a lot, I know she has told people about me being abused as a child.  I dont like her as a person and if I am ever in her company I dont feel good at all. My hubby doesnt think much of her either but because shes married to his brother he wont say anything to her.   She has now stopped her son going to my mother in laws in the last few days, but far from feeling satisfied, i feel bad, because now she is punishing mom in law by not letting her see her kids at all.  Why cannt there be a happy medium? Oh dear god who would have families?

lilmissblue  Posted: 04/08/2010 15:41

Hi Tom,

Great to hear you are feeling good at the minute.

My teeth are just bothering me for the last 6 weeks, really think its my wisdom teeth are the problem (only have 3 left), on the side thats sore i have top and bottom and the ache is in my ear too but the dentist seems to think they're ok for the minute. Its not too bad though just annoying! Can eat and sleep no problems so I suppose I should be thankful!

But apart from that feeling good at the minute, enjoying this good spell and looonnnngggg may it last Sealed

Tom  Posted: 04/08/2010 13:35

Hi all, Tom here. had a nice bank holiday weekend, feel pretty good at the moment thankfully.

Jean great to hear your story, I hope  the rest of the week goes well for you.

Lilmissblue,sorry to hear about your teeth again, I appreciate I am not qualified, but from your posts I think this is a symptom as there does not appear to be anything physically wrong with your teeth. Is there something driving this issue for example does your teeth feel worse in certain situations. Without driving yourself crazy I think it would be worthwhile for you try to become the observer of what is happening to you for say a few days, try to detach yourself if you like and make notes of your observations in a journal. It might surprise you what you might come up with. Best of Luck.

Hope all my other friends are doing well Kind regards Tom

lilmissblue  Posted: 04/08/2010 11:36

Hi all,

Hope you all had a nice bank holiday, didnt do much but enjoyed it. Teeth still bothering me!

Jean, im sooo happy for you, you deserve such happiness! Long may the feeling continue.

Thinking of you all, talk soon Laughing

jean  Posted: 04/08/2010 09:31

Just a quick hi..hope everyone is doing well! Well i made it into my horse on monday and am heading in shortly to see her again today so huge progressLaughingCoolSmile any panic attacks next few days and i will post here.Thanks everyone for such great support,this page is a life saver!

jean x

Kay  Posted: 26/07/2010 22:46

Wow Jean.  Thats a great post.  Glad you are doing better with your therapist.  I hear your dissappointment that you couldnt go see your horse in the show.  But keep doing your therapy and you will get there.  I am optimistic that I will some day get on  a plane without panic or even go accross to wales. Its all about control for me. If I could fly the plane or man the boat then I would probably do it. I have major control issues but i know that given my childhood history that this is normal and even to a degree heathy because one time it protected me. Control was the only way I could be the boss, apparently its a very common thread with people who have been abused.  Letting go of that control is hard very hard. Its down to re-training my thoughts and patterns of behaviour. Ah well one day maybe.

Hi to all my pals . Kay.

lilmissblue  Posted: 26/07/2010 19:52

Hey all,

it is amazing that we all find travel hard, for me it all starts the night before where I cant sleep and find myself panicking about nothing! to the point where I even do not want to go. One day I hope and pray to be symptom free and same for all my friends here! We deserve it.

Jean, like you I go from one extreme to the next, have great days and then feel low and wish i didnt have to live with this and would love a way out. Its the littlest things that make me uneasy, but hopefully one day things will be easier for us.

I even dream my life away, and wish the years away as somehow I just think things would be easier when the years fly by! Foolish I know.

Well hope we all catch up again soon and hope you are all well.

jean  Posted: 26/07/2010 15:39

It does seem to be a common symptom for us anxiety sufferers that going away is a huge problem and i too find it so frustrating that it's such an easy part of life for other peopleYellyet it causes us such difficulty.when going anywhere i have to make lists of every little thing i need to bring right down to my toothbrush and it takes me days to get organised which leaves me exhausted!i have been unable to go anywhere in the last two years which i found very difficult as for most of my twenties i could not go any where.this does have an effect on all our lives.for me personally i have had close family marry abroad on more than one occassion and was unable to attend the weddings.through the three good years i had i was greatfully able to travel but i still had to do my rigorous planning but did not mind as once i was away i generally had a great time and would have less panic attacks than at home as nobody knew at first not being able to travel again after fighting so hard to be able to sent me over the edge but i am now trying to tell myself that now i have the right therapist i will be able to again.i feel one of the things that sent me backwards again was well meaning friends.with the best of intentions they tried to get me to stop writing lists and where i always had to have my own room they would have me share.this unfortunatley just set me panicing again to the extent i have been unable to travel.even the thoughts of going somewhere now makes me feel ill but my therapist is helping me to see that although my friends were trying to be kind it's ok for me to have my own room and that it is necessary to plan though with time she hopes to teach me the skills to cope with going away without it being such an exhausting ordeal!for now i would happily spend hours of planning for just a couple of happy panic free days away!accepting where i am now for me is what i am trying to week i would hope with all my heart to spend a couple of days at the horse show to see one of my horses.last year i missed the whole week and had to watch on the telly all these strangers watching one of my precious babies jumping.why,because i have finally realised my thoughts were in the past,i could not accept being unable to be there the whole week but now i realise i have to accept where i am right now and that i do not have the energy to go for the week but do for two days.acceptance has been a huge but important hurdle for me,now here is hoping that i can deal with the panic to get i am positive but each day can change in a blink of an eye for me,it was only two days ago i was telling my poor father i could not go on that living with this depression was impossible.

here's to everyone here to keep fighting..the fact that we are writing here proves how much we want to beat our demons so let's hope that one day we all get to fulfill our dreams because we all most deserve to!


buzz  Posted: 26/07/2010 09:38

Hi, I had the opposite. Went away for two days (well I was really worried about leaving my dog!) but actually had a lovely time and didnt want to come home! Of course, had a huge row with my partner when I did come home.

Kay  Posted: 25/07/2010 10:27

Isnt it terrible that going on holidays or going away for few day should be such an ordeal?  Its supposed to be a pleasure and relaxing.  Other people go away without any bother and it seems anxiety sufferers have a hard time doing it.  I feel so bad when my kids tell me another one of their friends is going to spain or disneyland paris.  I can just about go somewhere in ireland and only then when I have googled it until I cannt find out any more information about the place in which i am supposed to be going. Its usually on a hotel break but i wil have to be able to see the room online and it cannt be in a multistorey hotel, neither can it be in a city area. Oh, and the windows have to be able to open, this usually requires a phone call to the hotel because this info isnt available online.  By the time I actually get there I am exhausted. So many lists for me to check before i even leave home. Im tired of it. Now i know its changing slowly, with counselling, and I know my reasons for being like this, but it still doesnt make it any easier.  I want to badly to be able to bring kids to wales or spain or anywhere out or Ireland. my son is 12 and daughter is 8 and although they dont complain, i feel like i am letting them down.It wrecks my head and makes me pretty annoyed that simple things others take for granted people like us have to struggle with. Anyway there is my moan for the day all the best guys. kay.

goaties  Posted: 22/07/2010 21:51

I have had panic attacks since my early twenties, (am now 46). they only seem to happen when things dont go according to plan. Also they have really hindered me going on holiday. Just last weekend we went away for two nights and I just wanted to get home all the time. It really spolilt it for my husband. Its the same every year and i HAVE HAD ENOUGH.


lilmissblue  Posted: 22/07/2010 16:22

Hi Jean,

Thanks for your kind words, at the moment I feel in a bit better form, I have had very little pain for the last 3 days. Its still there now and again but as I can eat and sleep with it I suppose the dentist is right and there is nothing needed. I still have 3 wisdom teeth left so maybe theyre the ones acting up.

I agree with you Jean, being a worrier is a curse. But Ive always been like that since I can remember, I suppose its just part of who I am and will always be. Thats why I get so worked up when I have dental trouble cos Im terrified of the dentist and getting things done so thats why Im wanting to rid myself of dental pain once and for all so I have a year to think strongly of getting dentures or even partial ones.

I really hope you are ok for your event, I know how you feel. I find if I cant get to sleep thats when my mind races and I work myself up over the slightest thing. Have you tried doing puzzles or reading a magazine. I have a dsi and am addicted to professor layton puzzles, they are great fun and after a while they tire you out. I myself had a down day last week and cried for what seemed like forever, after a while I made myself get up and go down to watch telly with everyone else and after a bit it did help. It is awful but remember we are all here for you, if you feel down, log on and write here, I find it helps.

Thanks so much Jean and hi to everyone hope you are all well.

jean  Posted: 22/07/2010 14:05

Hi All

buzz thank you so much for all the information for our dog,sorry only getting back to you now it's been a hectic up n down couple of's funny i am so particular when it comes to my horses they all get oils for their coat,joints etc.. but i never thought of giving the dog oils.since your post i went straight out and got her the fish oil makes so much friend is a vet and she had told me about the metacalm but i really like the sound of the toxocil so she is looking into it for me.with the warm weather her arthritis thankfully has not been too bad last couple of weeks.hope molly is doing good.

Things are improving for me slowly.i have been able to do a little with a couple of friends.what i am noticing is that when i feel in total control of a situation the anxiety lessens and i can even become content but the slightest thing can make me feel not in control and that is when my thoughts spiral.i feel overwhelmingly self concious and just want to hide!sleep is a massive problem.even with medication i find it impossible to drop off and often only get 2-3 hours sleep.i am getting a fair bit of fresh air,exercise,i take hot baths,have nice candles but nothing seems to help so any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated as this is causing me to feel very's a huge struggle to stop crying constantly!then this leads to comfort eating which only makes me feel worse!

lilmissblue sorry to see you have been going through such a tough time.i feel tom and kay have given you excellent advise re dentures and i hope that things improve for you pain you i have been a worrier pretty much all my life and it feels like a curse!i have an event in 2 weeks and my therapist is really trying to get me there but i worry about every little thing and can't stop worrying although i want to stop the past i was always fine once i got there and would end up having a great time so that helped to get me places but at the moment the anxiety doesn't ease much even when i am there.

kay it is fantastic to read that you have been able to change your thought patterns,my hope is that now i have found the right therapist to do the same.

good luck to all,jean

lilmissblue  Posted: 20/07/2010 21:23

Hi All,

Thanks Tom and Kay for your invaluable advice, I will think very seriously before I decide next summer. I actually feel a little relief with my teeth today, so fingers crossed it leaves me alone for a while!

I sometimes think that when anything out of the norm happens, it starts my anxiety. I am a self confessed creature of habit and a huge worrier and just like things to stay the same. My son makes his communion next year and even thinking that far ahead and the preps involved, I feel the anxiety creeping up but Im putting it out of my mind til I really need to deal with it and try to have a good spell. Thats my problem, I think to many 'what ifs' and too far ahead and my head runs away with me.

Anyway glad you are all here, hi and welcome to susan. I too get panicked before a holiday, its unreal. When it happens I let my mind race and not want to go but when im there I have a fab time and there doesnt be a bother on me coming home. I agree with Kay, a friend of mine takes Xanax going away and it seems to do the trick. Hope you are ok and have a great time.

Hi also to twentyone, scared, buzz and jean, hope you are all well.

Kay  Posted: 20/07/2010 18:39

Hi Susan, you could try rescue remedy but its not very strong so maybe you could take a xanax just to get you there.  Or if you could get your hands on half a sleeping tablet just to make your sleepy through the flight.  I would normally say to you to go to get some long term help but seeing as this is coming up soon try any of the above.  Hope it all goes ok. Let us know how you get on.

Kay  Posted: 20/07/2010 18:35

Hi all. Holly thanks for your post.  Practical experience I have tons of, therapy and good therapy at that, I have 3 yrs experience of.  Panic and anxiety I  have had 25 yrs of.  But hey you know what my head and thought patterns have changed so much through counselling. Lillmissblue, there is always without exception a reason for anxiety. We are not born like this, its developed through learning and seeing and even picking up on our parents worries and fears. You have until next summer to decide about your teeth so think about it some more.  i had to get three teeth on a plate and i still cannt wear them.  They are very very uncomfortable and I feel like gagging when I put them in. Thankfully they are at the back of my mouth so its not necessary to wear them.

Tom your words are wise and Im glad we think similiar ways.  Hope you are feeling ok.

Hi to all my friends. keep talking everybody because this is the way we can all heal. Kay. 

Tom  Posted: 20/07/2010 14:02

Lismisblue, Kay is right  about the denture issue you are considering at the moment. From a practical viewpoint dentures do not solve all teeth problems they just create different ones, (fitting, staying in place, gum problems from wear and tear, breakages, the list goes on). Consider very carefully before you remove healthy teeth, think 10 years down the road after going through probably at least 2 sets.

From your posts I think the problem is not your teeth, I think your teeth is the symptom. I have different symptoms when I am worked up and under attack from anxiety etc, for instance I vomit. In my case the vomiting is only the symptom.

Think carefully and continue to post. We are here for each other.

Myself I feel pretty good today, hope everybody is having a good day. Kind regards Tom


Holly77  Posted: 20/07/2010 12:10

Hello All,

Just read you're email Kay, what great sense you make of a situation, I 

read years of practical experience behind your every word, money couldn't

buy that advice, just thought I would comment.

I look forward to reading more.

Kind regards


lilmissblue  Posted: 20/07/2010 12:05

Hi Kay,

Im just so stressed out by these teeth, there is defo an ache travelling to a few teeth on one side of my mouth but they just cannot find the reason. Each day it gets a little better but all the same its still there. The one thing that really stresses me out is the dentist and I just thinks life would be so much easier if I never had to worry about getting toothache again so Im really interested in dentures, I looked up a bit on different sites and was suprised to find that even people as young as 22 have them (for different reasons) and they look really well. Apparently it takes a week for each decade old you are to get used to them and thats fine by me. Its just a possibility at the moment, I wont be getting it done until next summer as thats the next time I have 2 months off work.

Yeah I have to say I had a great childhood, have many happy memories. So I know its nothing there fortunately that caused my anxiety. I was always a little bit anxious but nothing major i.e going on holidays. But since my trip to the dentist in December it just seemed to annoy it. I had a filling and a tooth out (which i wasnt expecting) and that evening and the few days that followed I was just full of anxiety and not myself. It seemed ok over Christmas and then when the snow came I seemed to get depressed and anxious all over again. Since then it comes back on and off.

Apparently I have been a deep thinker since I was a tot and I suppose I still am, I let my thoughts run away with me and Im also a worrier, bad combination!

Amazingly I feel happier now that Im thinking of the dentures as I feel there is light at the end of the dental tunnel for me and it helps that part of me.

Hope you are keeping well at the moment and thank you so much for being here, your help means so much to me and everyone else here.

Hi to everyone and hope you are all ok at the moment.

Kay  Posted: 19/07/2010 19:31

lillmissblue, please dont get dentures. Your teeth are not the problem.  Theres another issue underneath and you might not even know it but there is.  If nothing physical can be found wrong with your teeth then its something else.  Look, I had shoulder and back problems and have spent thousands on chiropracters and massages and anything else i could.  But, the problem was my mind.  I was burying stuff and not dealing with stuff from my past.  So instead i kept it in and it developed into a physical complaint.  Look, im just asking here and you are under no obligation to answer but what was your childhood like? Was it safe and happy? One thing Ive learned is that memories are stored in the body.  All memories good or bad are stored in parts of the body and if a bad one is stored in an area it will develop into a physical complaint.  My sister in law works in a cancer unit and she believes very strongly that cancers main food is stress.  She told me lately that cancer diagnosis are on the increase and she feels very much that this is down to peoples lifestyles and stress.  Our mind body and soul are all one and if one is out of sorts then all of us is. Its important that you dont make any rash decisions dont get your teeth taken out because you could do that and the pain might still be there or surface somewhere else. I dont mean to preach so please dont take it that way i am just very concerned for you right now. keep talking please kay

susan  Posted: 17/07/2010 00:56

I have suffered from depression and severe anxiety for 17 years. i started taking cimbalta 90mg this year and have noticed a huge change doing things i could not have dreamed of. i have agreed to fly to spain in 20 days. i am dreading it but will go as i would not want to disappoint my husband and kids. any suggestion on what to take?

lilmissblue  Posted: 16/07/2010 23:08

Hi All,

Hope you are all keeping well at the minute. I am feeling ok today, went back to the dentist (i dread going and it sets off my anxiety really badly) he again can find nothing wrong with my teeth. I have pain all round one side of my mouth and he could see nothing wrong with them. I am at my wits end, was in such a state over them last night worring about the pain getting worse and I had some really bad thoughts. I have decided to look into getting full dentures, at least i'll never have to worry about another toothache ever again. My family think im mad but I cant cope anymore with it and I feel im doing the right thing. Any help as always is greatly appreciated. At the minute Im just possessed by them, on my mind 24/7.

Hope you are all well and enjoy the weekend.

Thanks as always.

lilmissblue  Posted: 13/07/2010 20:35

Hi all,

Think I spoke too soon, had a pretty rough day yesterday. My nan took a fall and Im really not the better of it. She is ok though thank god, got fixed up and is ok just shaken. She had to go for a different medical appt and asked if I could go with her and i said i would but last night, Anxiety reared its ugly head and I freaked out, had to take a tab and go to bed. It did help as I feel slightly better today, My sister went with my nan which also helped. But now my teeth are playing up again and Im dreading needing dental treatment again, was only there 4 weeks ago and they couldnt find anything wrong, got a deep clean and corsodyl to use but Im just sick of all this now.

Hi Tom, glad to hear that you are having a good spell, so happy for you. You deserve it.

Hi also to Kay, Buzz, Scared, Twenty One and Jean as always Im hoping you are in good places.

Talk soon Smile

Kay  Posted: 13/07/2010 18:46

Hi Scared, Im inclined to agree with Tom, if after 5 months you still dont feel comfortable with your therapist then you probably wont.  Its probably time to seek out someone new.  I feel a therapist needs to have compassion, understanding, heart, be human and show feelings themselves.  If your therapist isnt these things then she wont suit you. She might suit someone else with another issue, but by your posts I think you are an emotional person so its important you connect with your therapist if not it wont work. I met a lady the other day at a mutual friends house(kids birthday party), shes 39 mom of three. During the conversation between me and her she mentioned panic attacks and all the meds she was on.  To cut a long story short, she ended up telling me she was sexually abused.  This was the first time she had told anyone in 25 yrs.  But she felt comfortable enough with me to tell me this.  Shes never even told her hubby. The reason she told me after only knowing me for two hours?  well she said she just felt comfortable with me and as I was opening up to her about my past a little she felt strong enough to do the same. You should be after making some progress after 5 months scared. You should be at least feeling like your building a friendship with you therapist.  Look, like I said before i can ask my therapist to recommend someone because like Tom says a recommendation can be the best way to get someone good. sorry for waffling. I wish you all the best Kay.

lilmissblue  Posted: 12/07/2010 20:07

Hi all,

Kay, that is terrible. You are so right, we unfortunately live in a world full of scumbags and I really hope that they get what is coming to them. Thinking of you and your family.

Hi Scared, My anxiety seems to rear its ugly head when there is a change in my usual routine! Im a real creature of habit and when there is a change at all it starts! Have to say though sometimes it doesnt come at all and then Im thinking 'the anxious feeling hasnt started yet', I hate it so much that I just exptect it to happen when im having a good time of it! Even when Im on holidays from work it affects me for the first few days and at the minute im off and it hasnt come Laughing! I dont think my anxiety has a root it just happens through being an extreme worrier and I too dream of the day that It passes on and hopefully leaves me for good. I havent sought medical help other than going to the doctor, I didnt go for the recommended therapy, I got mild relaxers and just take them only when needed.

I thank this site for finding great friends who are always here and understand me, my family are great but they just dont understand that its not always easy to fight the feelings of anxiety!

All the best and thinking of you all.

Tom  Posted: 12/07/2010 15:08

Hi All, Kay very unfortunate about the robbery at the end of your holiday. I share your sentiments about these type of people.

To Scared I sense it is difficult for you at the moment. From my reading of your posts I think unfortunately your therapist is not helping. If you agree  then to my mind there is little point in continuing with this person. You must appreciate there are numerous therapists and indeed therapies out there and only a few people are  fortunate enough to get the right therapist and the right therapy the first time round. I know I certainly did not. Five months is a considerable period of time and from my reading of your posts I think that you are still not comfortable with this person.

For me anyway trust comes after been comfortable with someone and for me I could not continue long term in therapy with someone I did not trust. Has your therapist for instance come highly recommended from someone else.  A recommendation is not to be understated.  

Buzz good to see that you are battling through. Jean even from the posts you have left on this site, it is very easy to see that you are a very warm and caring person and you will make a great partner to someone in the future. Hello Lismisblue I hope everything is going well for you. Myself I am in the middle of a good period at the moment Kind regards to all Tom

Scared  Posted: 11/07/2010 20:13

Kay Im so delighted you enjoyed your week. I hope you feel a little empowered. One of the things about panic and anxiety that I have finally accepted is that depsite thinking it is related to the place we are in, it actually isnt. I find this helpful and dont end up beating myslef up about feeling anxious when for example Im supposed to be relaxing in the park. I dont know what you guys think but I reckon the anxiety can surface anywhere regardless of place.

Ive been having an anxious few days myslef. As you all know my anxierty seems to manifest itself as fear of something awaful mediclly happening to me. And as you all know I have had many tests done and all is well, physically but yet I cant seem to take this logic on board and now that I  am a mother of two under 2 I find it even harder. Ive been seeing my therpaist for 5 months now. As you all know I have had my doubts about her. There have been no more dreadful seesions but I dont think I am any better than I was 5 months ago. My therapist says she needs to get to the source of my anxiety before i will feel better but this has not happened yet. I am still unsure as to  whether to keep going or not. I know these things dont happen over night and I can understand that when the source is identified the healing can begin so I dont want to quit so late in the game as such.

Any advise is appreciated. I  wouls love a life free of this fear.

Kay  Posted: 09/07/2010 20:23

Hi gang. Jean, you have such a good heart.  Someone like you deserves to be happy and find love.  You would bring so much to a relationship.  Im glad your interacting with your friends. Its important to be with people and I know how hard it is when you feel bad but its so important. 

I arrived home from Cork today and I have to say even with the wobbly moments I had a great time.  Until we drove around the back of the house. We had been robbed. Some stupid idiots broke into our garage and stole my sons quad and two helmets.  Now i know they are replacable but the thing thats throwing me is that someone was actually in my garden and stole something that belongs to us. Im mad and really dont know how i will sleep tonight. I will probably be listening to sounds all night now.  My son bought it out of his communion money , i feel so bad for him but hopefully insurance will cover it.  How do people rob stuff and go home without feeling bad?  Why do people think they have a right to steal whats not theirs?  I hate scumbags like that.

buzz  Posted: 09/07/2010 11:14

Hi Jean

Sorry to hear your little one is having mobility problems. You might think about a new drug that has recently been brought to the veterinary market called Trocoxil. It's a non-steroidal anti inflammatory (so no nasty muscle wastage as with standard steroids) and it only needs to be given once monthly. This may help with the arthritis. If you talk to your vet they may be able to advise. Also, these little drugs are very cleverly made - they look and smell (and probably taste!) like dog biscuits so no shoving down the hatch! Failing that, Metacalm is quite good. Comes in liquid form that is mixed in with food. Only thing is, it's quite expensive. I put Molly on Solgar fish oil concentrate when she first became ill. Her vet made the point that even though she has a serious degenerative disease, she wil still get "old dog" disease and it's important to treat these even though there is a temptation to put everything down to her one big disease. The fish oils are great for them, keep their coats glossy and beautiful too! The pool is a fantastic idea and with any luck we will get a nice summer so your doggies can enjoy splashing around in it. It will be good for their joints but also a v good cardiovascualr workout for young and old! I dont know if I mentioned before but the one we bought was "Intex" and I would recommend this from a durability point of view. Our neighbours dog regularly flails about in ours, hitting off the sides etc and so far no damage!!

Hope this helps

Regards to all

Kay  Posted: 08/07/2010 23:27

Guys, thanks for your lovely posts.  I am doing ok. Ive dealt with stuff and told myself that Im sick of this crap ruining stuff. I did the things I told the kids I would do with them and managed to have good time too. I used some of the tools you all recommended, I told the panic to "come on and do your worst" and ive told myself that all the panic attacks ive had I have never died from one and it will pass.  The same things Ive told many of ye here before.  Unfortuneately my own adivce goes out the windows sometimes when panic or anxiety comes. But anyways im ok and had good time.

Scared, my kids are girl age 8 and boy 12.  My hubby was with me and I told him how I was feeling and he was his usual supportive self. Hes a gem, and we are very lucky to have each other. 

Buzz, thanks for your kind words.  You know people are basically mostly nice as you are too.  We all deserve happinness and peace. I know i do too.  thanks guys were going home tomorrow.  catch up with you all soon. thanks again friends, kay.

jean  Posted: 08/07/2010 14:53

Hi All

Kay like lilmissblue i want to congratulate you on going on your hols,i would need 20 hands to count the number of times i have tried to go somewhere in the past year and failed due to you i get so angry,it seems so unfair that panic can overcome us like this but i do agree with tom that we can overcome it and have fought so hard and deserve so much.

tom thanks again for great advice.i found what you said about being the same person post panic as pre panic really helpful.i find that after a panic attack i feel less of a person and ashamed which makes me want to run away and hide but by realising that the panic is over,iam still here and still me is helping me to move on.

lilmissblue i would be like you in feeling that books and stuff can't possibly help,this is me i can't change but over the last couple of months i have seen that by changing my attitude and deciding to read a self help book because it may help even if only a small bit makes sense then it will be worth it,anything we can do to make our lives better is a good thing,we deserve it!it is hard though i find it easier to sail through the good days and i used to ignore the bad ones.i too had bought claire weeks book and not started it but i did when tom suggested it and find it really good,for me it's only a small thing but the book makes so much sense that i found it reassuring.

buzz hope molly is having a good own little dog who i got in feb is the love of my life,i never go anywhere without her.she is the best company and just hugging her gives me the strength to carry on.i am going to invest in one of the pools for our older dog.her arthritis has got so bad in the past month,she can hardly walk in the mornings and it is so painful to watch.people say i have to accept she is getting old which i do but any little thing i can do to make her life better is worth you i find modern society has really propelled people into immoral life styles of cheating etc..i am in my mid thirties and feel i will never find anyone trustworthy.i would like to find love at some stage as i feel it is a wonderful part of life and maybe i am being very negative.certainly being on this site has shown me that there are really good people out there!

hope everyone is keeping well,i myself am having a good week,have started to interact with friends again which has been really greatLaughing


buzz  Posted: 07/07/2010 15:19

Hi Kay that's terrible that your anxiety is acting up when you are meant to be enjoying some relaxing family holiday time. Tom is right in his assertion - get mad at it! Sort of like a mental, "come on then, gimme your best shot!". I haven't had a panic attack for a while but I know when I used to feel one coming on, I found the best way to cope was to say to myself, "right, I am going to immerse myself in this now, let whatever feelings come to the surface wash over me, I wont try to fight it, I'll just wait it out...what's the worst that can happen?" They were still pretty terrifying but I found that way they didn't last as long anyway.

Sometimes being out of a routine can trigger anxiety too. Different surroundings etc can be a little disconcerting. I hope you feel better soon and can enjoy the remainder of your holiday.

Oh and also, you know you were saying you don't know how you got married and had kids - that's a really big achievement and don't knock yourself. From reading your posts, I can see you are a lovely, kind, caring and intelligent person and your hubby and kids are lucky to have you! In these fickle times where people are so insecure in relationships and it's all about cheating and instant gratification etc, marriage and children are even more of a blessing.

Regards all

Scared  Posted: 07/07/2010 13:32

Hi guys

Kay, I undertsand how you feel. I felt like that on holiday with the kids too but fortunately for me my twins are only 19 months so they dont understand plans. What age are yours? I often find that if I have a plan b, the pressure relating to plan a evaporates. Have a way out if all comes to all and I bet you you wont need to use it but just knowing its an option will help you relax a bit. Is your husband with you? If so, for example if you promised the kids a trip to Fota wildlife park and Donald duck rears his head and you feel unable to go, you could in the worst case scenario not go and send hubbie off and u can just tell the kids you have a headache. I know its not ideal but not the end of the world.

Buzz - Im gald to hear you had some fun. i wouldnt read too much into it.Think of it as fun and fun only if you can.

21 - nice to meet you. I have tried all the things you mentioned and find that they are great additions to my "anxiety toolbox".

Tom - great advice as always.

Baby crying here must run

lilmissblue  Posted: 07/07/2010 12:19

Hi all,

First of all, well done Kay. You got there, which is the first major step. When I do something like that the anxiety usually happens the night before and stops me going! Ok you may be feeling a little on edge but try to just go with it and before you know it you'll be planning things to do without even realising it. I think your great for even getting there without panic. I myself dont like to be trapped or hemmed in to a decision. Enjoy your well deserved break.

Hi Tom, i think your outlook on how to be angry and starve anxiety of its oxygen is great. I bought Dr. Claires book Self Help for you Nerves a few months ago and have not as yet read it, I just have that negative voice saying it wont help, you'll always be like this which I know is the wrong attitude. Your words are a big help to me and I'd say also everyone else here.

Hi Buzz, you so deserve someone who treats you with the respect that you deserve. I hope you do meet that someone one day.

Hi also to Jean, Scared and Twentyone, hope you are all having a good stage at the moment.

Tom  Posted: 07/07/2010 10:56

Hi All Tom here, Kay I happen to think that in this circumstance you should get angry with this beast called anxiety. There is no reason why you cannot have a normal life. When the feeling comes upon you ridicule it, the feeling is not you, you are you and entitled to a good life. Starve it of its oxygen, do not feel sorry about yourself, feel angry with it challenge it to get worse, it will not, it will instead gradually die within you when it realises that you will not entertain and nourish its presence. Hope that helps enjoy the holiday

Buzz you are going through a very difficult time at the moment, my sympathies

Kind regards to all Tom  

Kay  Posted: 06/07/2010 22:51

Well, im ok in cork.  Having a few iffy moments this evening but i know i will be ok.  dont like making decisions about what we do tomorrow or dont like telling the kids we're doing something because then i feel trapped into doing it.  Thats the legacy that my childhood has left me with the fear of deciding something and sticking to it for fear of being trapped.  How I managed to get married and have kids is a miracle in itself.  Im just feeling sorry for myself, I know I will be ok I am just annoyed and pretty damn angry that what others take for granted I have to try really hard at.  any help welcome guys,kay.

buzz  Posted: 06/07/2010 11:20

Having such a crappy week and its stil only tuesday! Sealed Was out with work on drunk and ended up kissing this guy that I work with that I have fancied for over two years! We were texting and stuff at the weekend but then yesterday he said that he didn't want to take it any further because we work together and because of the age gap (at 52 he's exactly twice my age). I'm completely bewildered for two reasons:

1. Why did he go along with things if that was how he felt

2. What kind of man doesn't want to be with someone half his age?

We had an emergency girls night in last night and my best friend thinks that I don't give men enough credit at point 2. Also re point one she reckons he was just drunk and going with how he physically felt at that moment.

So awkward now too... I feel like I should be in a chick flick!

Doggy doing ok these days, going for hydrotherapy later Laughing

Kay  Posted: 05/07/2010 21:26

Hi Twentyone, I love Reiki, I do it on myself. Ive done reiki 1 and 2 and I usually treat myself once a week.  I am reluctant to do it on others though, maybe its just cause I dont trust people much but I have done it on animals with some success.  I think though I need to have it done to me by another reiki practitioner so then I can totally relax.  I will have to try valarian tabs, i already have rescue rememedy in fact I never leave home without it.

Buzz, I have a dog called Molly too.  I have today left  my two dogs into kennels for 5 days and you would think they were kids. I will miss them very much, they give so much love to me especially  my cavalier, shes like a baby and she will also give the sad eyes to me when i return home because she will be annoyed with me for leaving her and her pal Molly (mini jack russel). 

Well, Ive arrived in Cork with no major panic, so far so good.  You guys are the best you are amazing with the support you all give to eachother.  I am so happy the day I came accross this forum was one of the best things I have ever done.  I will check in again tomorrow.  all the best Kay.

lilmissblue  Posted: 05/07/2010 14:06

Hi twentyone,

I was just reading your post and im defo going to look into them. Maybe they may help me too. Thanks so much.

Hi to everyone too, hope your all doing good.

twentyone  Posted: 03/07/2010 23:15

Hi All, I suffer from depression and stress up and down. The last time I was bad was just coming up to Christmas. I went to the chemist and he recommended valerian root, borrocca boost and rescue remedy. I took all of these and it was amazing the difference it made. I also had some reiki sessions which I really love. When flying my anxiey levels were through the roof, so  before a flight to the states I went to my reiki master and she did NLP on me. I totally forgot that I was ever nervous of flying and since have flown to Austrailia (without my husband) and without any anxiety.

Hope this helps someone out there.

buzz  Posted: 02/07/2010 13:55

Hi Kay, Tom, Jean thank you all so much for your kind words, your support is wonderful, I feel like I have a little cyber family!

Kay thanks for asking about my dog (Molly) Laughing She's just ok these days, good and bad days. It's sad to think back on how she used to be, running for hours and swimming and now she cannot walk unaided Cry I feel her tragedy as if it were my own. The only comfort comes from the fact that as a dog, she lives very much from her subconscious, so I know sh'e not sitting there thinking, God remember when I could walk and chase the ball and swim and play? All she knows is the here and now. She knows I love her I guess. She pretends not to of course (she plays the best mind games) and if I leave her too long she will "not talk to me" which involves looking at me out of the corner of her eye and then quickly looking away when I look at her! Though I've caught her off guard at times...her eyes follow me all around the room. She loves her mommy Smile

The other day my partner was talking about how when she starts to earn more money, she will employ someone to walk her dog. I just looked at her in disbelief and she didnt get the irony of her statement. I said to her, "do you know how much money I would pay to be able to take my OWN dog for a walk...and you want to pay someone else to walk yours?". I told her she should appreciate him while he's young and healthy!

Kay  Posted: 01/07/2010 21:55

Hi all.  Jean two weeks is not long but when you almost depend on someone being there weekly it does feel unsettling when they arent.  My therapist is gone for a month but when i looked at the calendar its actually 5 weeks.  I know I will be ok. Heading to cork on monday for 5 days with hubby and kids.  I am excited but also worried a bit in case I feel anxious when there. I know I will be ok. Its just hard to leave the safety of the home and familiar surroundings when anxiety raises its ugly head.  I am bringing my laptop so I will be checking in here daily.  Keep in touch with me Jean.

Hi Lillmissblue, thanks for the support.  Hi Tom are you doing ok?

Buzz, do you see all the support you have here?  We are all concerned about you being with somebody who obviously doesnt appreciate or respect you. But you know you will leave when the time is right for you.  How is your dog?  Whats its name by the way?

Tom  Posted: 01/07/2010 13:23

Hi all, Tom here.I can see from the posts that a lot of my good friends are struggling somewhat and hence I thought I would post to support and encourage in these difficult times.

To Buzz, I think you need to get away at least for a while from the difficult situation you find yourself in. There is no advantage to YOU to staying around in your circumstances 24/7. Even a break of 1-2 weeks would I think help to clear your head even a little and would assist you in being more clear headed about your future.

I think it is generally accepted that bullying/ abusing do not magically stop, the person doing these things really has to accept that they have a big problem and even then unfortunately for the victim, the bully /abuser frequently goes back to their bad old ways often at a moments notice.

To Jean, I can really identify with your experience. For me the panic can just sometimes seem to arise out of nowhere. I have found reading alot about this has helped probably more than meds or therapy. The panic still comes but the difference is I now really understand it. I also know that most times there is something fuelling the panic and so if you like I try to spot the cause. There is a book called Panic Away from Joe Barry an American Therapist

His take on panic was that when an attack comes on a person should try to acknowledge it, call it a cartoon character like Donald Duck and simply ridicule it. You are the same person pre -panic and eventually the attack will burn itself out. Easy to say, not easy to do. However even been aware of the concept I find helps. Also Dr Clare Weeks book on self help for your nerves is very helpful. Thankfully the frequency of my attacks has died down compared to a couple of years ago and the severity of an attack has also quietened. I put this down to my continous fight for a normal life and not letting this condition ruin it. So keep fighting Jean and use this site like I have for help support and advice.

Hi Kay,I realise this is a challenging month for you. Again the offer of support is there. To Scared I hope your therapy is going well for you. Best wishes to all. Kind regardsTom

jean  Posted: 30/06/2010 20:47

Hi back again,was on here a while ago but had to go answer the phone.

buzz i left you a message which i hope they post first.

i am struggling a lot but i feel that i am at least struggling in the right direction!last week was up n down but i felt better as i was able to get out for a walk most days which helps and on my bad days i fought through it and did not take to the bed.i had been going for a walk on a quiet beach with very few people which meant i could keep totally to myself and this was giving me great benefits as i felt it was a step towards getting fit,loseing weight and i love the fresh air.then yesterday i decided to go to a park instead as i wanted to go for a longer soon as i drove in i could see it was pretty crowded.i managed about 10 steps from the parking lot before the panic set it.even though i had my dog and i pod,all the people around caused a major panic attack.the only thing i could do was sit on the ground until i stopped shaking and slowed down my breathing.then i ran to the car and drove straight home.this left me feeling upset and frustrated,i know the answer is to step back and stick to the beach for a while longer,it's just so doesn't help that my therapist is away for two weeks as this is exactly the thing i need to explain to her.also i know i am panicking about her being away,afraid that without her support i will relapse back into hideing away in bed again and this is something i DO NOT WANT TO HAPPEN!2 weeks is not that long so i don't mind if i struggle once i don't relapse completely.

kay i love your idea of sending postcards to each other when we get to travel,it is definitley a goal for the futureLaughing

To everyone else hope things are going well for you all,

all the best jean.

jean  Posted: 30/06/2010 19:48

Hi All

Buzz firstly thanks so much for the info on the dog pool it sounds great and i will definitely look into getting one.i know our lab would luv it as she adores water. like others i find it apalling that your partner spoke to you in this way.from what i can remember from your previous posts this is not the first time and you do not deserve to be bullied by someone in this way especially someone who is supposed to love don't deserve to be treated like this and i feel that you already know that but you have been going through such a tough time with your dogs illness and your health problems which i am sure has left you more vulnerable. i know i am extra vulnerable at the moment 1 wrong word from someone and i can end up feeling small,useless etc..i can see how at this moment in your life removing yourself from this person is extra hard,they seem to be playing on your insecureties and weak spots which is just plain you attend therapy?maybe if you had someone trustworthy to talk to they could help you break away.imagine the freedom of being away from this person i could see you really blossoming and living the life you want.i know you have been with your partner a long time so i understand that there was probably a lot of love's ok if you are unable to breakaway at the moment but keep posting here and we can all help to support you in this.

i gotta run but will be back on this later as things are a bit rough at the moment and i know posting here will help.


lilmissblue  Posted: 29/06/2010 20:12

Hi All,

Buzz I am shocked after reading your post, you are far too good for her! She is a control freak and is such a bitch to you (so sorry for calling her that) but if she had any ounce of humanity and love for you she wouldnt even dare stoop so low! Heard a good quote today 'laugh when someone stoops so low cos it just proves that you are way above them' and you are.  Someday you will get the courage to walk away, it will just make sense that its the only way forward. Trust me, I did and have never regretted leaving and never turning back.

Kay would be glad to help in anyway throughout July and every other day.

Hi to Jean, Scared and Tom, hope all is good with you too.

buzz  Posted: 29/06/2010 10:36

Thanks Kay, I am so angry with myself for not leaving. Feel like I have lost my resolve now. Thats part of the manipulation act all apologetic and innocent afterwards, and guilt me into not going.

buzz  Posted: 29/06/2010 09:20

Hi Scared thanks for the advice but tbh I dont think my partner deserves that level of respect from me after the way I've been treated. There is clearing the air and then there is being a downright manipulative bully, which is what she is.

Kay  Posted: 28/06/2010 20:58

O.M.G.  Buzz, how the hell did you not leave.  Thats an awful way for one human to speak to another.  Jesus, you cannt put up with that crap.  life is too short to have to live like this. Im with hubby for almost 19 yrs now, and ive felt like leaving him plenty of times during that, but if he ever spoke to me like that or I to him I dont think we could ever love each other again.  Now dont get me wrong, we do shout and argue sometimes but what your partner said to you takes it to a whole other level.  Some things when said even in the heat of the moment cannot be taken back ever.  Your partner is off the wall.  If you really dont say any way forward you have to rethink your situation as regards staying with her.  Either way, I hear you are in a bad place, but it will shift, this is just temporary.  your mood will change, it has to, nothing stays the same forever. all the best kay.

Scared  Posted: 28/06/2010 14:29

Buzz, you poor thing. What a hideous fight. Needless to say this is adding to your anxiety. TBH, my partner and I have awful arguments from time to time and we both say terribly hurtful things which we dont mean. I find it very stressfull but on the other hand it would be worse if our partners felt trapped and unable to vent their feelings around us becasue we are "too fragile". That would only lead to resentment. I know its a cliche but one of you is going to have to break the ice and start talking about it. There are issues there that need addressing. I have been to relationship counselling when my marriage was in a very dark place ( in the midst of IVF failures) and I found that a good tactic is to tell your partner ( no matter how angry or who the blame lies with) that you want to talk. Then set saide with no phnes, tv's, no alcohol and ask them to talk about what happened. Give them 10 / 15 mins to talk non stop without any feedback or interuptions from you. You will be amazed at what you will discover. Then you do the same. Try to to stay calm. You will work it out Buzz and you will feel better.

buzz  Posted: 28/06/2010 11:44

Hey hope all are well. Had really bad weekend thanks to my partner. She got very drunk on Friday night and decided to have a go at me over something (I can't even remember what it was to TBH!) and said some really nasty things. 

-called me the "C" word which I hate it's so crude and vulgar

-told me to get myself out of "her house" oh and to take my dog with me.

-she also said that I owed her money for my share of internet and TV even though I never wanted TV and internet, and I am now 10k in debt and have a bad credit rating because all her loans are in my name

-said her friends from college think I'm a freak for how I act about my dog

-said that she wanted to leave me five years ago when she realised what a freak I was but "didn't have the heart"

-told me that I "dance all over" my parents and that they dont really love me

-demanded my share of the backdated rent upfront...even though she hasn't paid hers yet

-kept storming off and then just when I'd go back asleep would come barrelling in again to shout some more

-told me that one of her college friends texted her after we'd been out to say how weird I was (note her college friend is a baby killer so I really don't care what she thinks!)

The following day, I took my dog to my parents for the day just to get away from her and she was really cool with me and went into the gay pride march in town to meet some of her exes.

Yesterday she obviously decided all was forgiven and spent the day fawning and fussing and complimenting me...which really freaked me out!

I'm in a very dark place right now.

Kay  Posted: 23/06/2010 20:23

Hi guys, thanks for all the positive comments. Its a relief to know I have you guys to suport me in July.  Jean, glad your doing well, therapy seems to be going well for you. Tell you what Jean when we get better we can send each other postcards from all over the world from all the fantastic places we are seeing. kay

buzz  Posted: 23/06/2010 14:39

Hi Scared

I took valerian before and it worked amazingly. Even the cats kept trying to eat the bottle top when they got the smell!

Hope you find it works Smile

Scared  Posted: 23/06/2010 11:12


Anyone taking the herb Valerian to help with anxiety? Therapist recommended it.

buzz  Posted: 23/06/2010 11:04

Hi Jean, we got the pool online from an independent supplier, the brand is "Intex" though I think they can be bought in some of the good toy stores! The one we bought was €170 including shipping, and measures 10ft long, 8ft wide and 3ft deep (I know we are metric now but can't get my head around it ha ha). It has a metal frame for support and is made from very tough material so it is fairly suitable for dogs. She has a little life jacket aswell to give her some assistance :) I would personally recommend a pool for easing out joints etc but obviously they are a big expense (we bought a filter pump and heater for the winter if she is still with us then please God and they came in around €200 for both) so if you ever want to drop over and try your dog out in ours before you make the committment to buying one feel free. As it is, the neighbours dog uses ours nearly every evening! Bless her she's killed in the heat and loves jumping into it. I would be more than happy to help out if you want to see how your little one adjusts (though from experience they tend to love it!)

jean  Posted: 23/06/2010 00:24

Hi All

The past week has been tough but i managed to get through it without using my usual copeing method of avoidance and hiding so this keeps me a little positive as though i had bad panic attacks and anxiety,worrying etc..i did not slip back into depression.knowing i have the right therapist has kept me going as i know i can talk through my week and she helps me to see that what i brush off as annoying,silly fears all stem from has taken me a long time to accept that baby steps need to be taken to fight this anxiety but it has really sunk in the last 3 weeks and has given me the ability to allow myself to take things slowly and let go of what others are doing and things i am missing out on.thank u to all on here who explained that this is the way to go as my therapist has taken this slower approach which i need as it allows me to do a little every day while keeping within my comfort zone and although i hate my constant nervy disposition(while in the house alone this morning i dropped my cereal bowl with fright when the doorbell rang,my initial reaction was to hide in the utility room but i didn't i answered the door and it was ok!)i am just so relieved i didn't end up takeing to the bed again!

kay i am with you on dreaming of a life where going places costs no anxiety.last year when i was unable to go anywhere again i thought people have no idea how lucky they are,to them going places is as easy as brushing their teeth.being on this site though has shown me that there also so many other people who also find it difficult which will travel,one good thing in this world is that it don't matter if you are 8 or 80 the world will always be there to visit and when you do you will love and appreciate every second.

buzz the love you have for your dog is are so careing and in tune with her that it is clear you are doing everything to give her the best possible life and you will know when she needs to go and not before her time.the swimming pool is a fantastic idea,i have sent horses to hydrotherapy spas sometimes when they have picked up an injury,water has such fantastic benefits as u pointed person who truly loves animals would think you are mad,in that case all us dog lovers are!our black lab is 10 and is quite arthritic behind so i have spent the last week taking her to the beach and seeing her splash through the water blissfully happy makes my heart soar and realise how simple pleasure's can be.i would be very interested in getting her a pool when her arthritis disintegrates as it inevitably will,she is already finding it difficult to get into the car.could you tell me where you got your pool thanks.anytime you are feeling lonely chat to us all on here.

hope everyone else is keeping that i can get out of the house again it's great to see the sun,i do think it naturally lifts us.scared you are so right about this great site,just being able to share with people who understand is fantastic.

best wishes jean.

Scared  Posted: 22/06/2010 17:12

Hi folks

Hope you are all doing well. Soemhow the sunny weather really helps.

Kay - you have been a tower of strength to so many here. You need never worry about looking for help yourslef but you know what I bet you wont need it. if you do we are here. If not you will feel empowered.

Buzz- I am thinking of you and your dog. I can imagine its very tough. I hope all is ok. You will get thorugh it though.

Tom - sounds like you are doing a good job of keeping DD in check.

Lilmissblue - Im glad to meet another friend too.

Bye for now!

Kay  Posted: 21/06/2010 21:10

Thanks Tom, the knowledge that I have my online therapist friends is making me feel stronger about July.  I wonder does life ever get completely calm for those of us who suffer anxiety/panic.  would'nt it be great if we all got up tomorrow morning completely anxiety free to do whatever we want and travel wherever we want. Ah , sure I can dream anyway.  You know what, I strive for that day.  I think I will be traveling the world in my golden years(quite a bit away yet). I can see myself going all the places I have always wanted to go without even the hint on anxiety. Going to the airport, queing up, flying.  But the hardest part is taking the first step. My therapist wants me to get  a passport, she says if I do its like saying "right, now I am able to go, so maybe I will make the next step and actually go...."  Maybe I will, I havent been out of the country in 13 years. I am missing out on so much as are my kids.

Buzz, I dont think you are being selfish keeping your dog alive.  I know we kept out dog alive longer than we should. Our vet advised us to have her put to sleep but I just changed vets. Anyway it sounds like you are doing everything you can to help her along.  You know its strange, but just before I checked my e-mails I googled the benefits of Reiki on MS.  My husband had just come home and told me his cousin who is 35 and lives down the road from us has just been diagnosed with MS.  I love Reiki, and up to now have only done it on myself and animals. Reluctant to do it on people for some reason.  Have you heard of Reiki Buzz?  Just google it and check it out.  I believe it can have a profound affect on animals because theyre so nonjudgemental and open. You know what if you live in the south east I would even reiki your dog myself.  All the best.Kay.

Tom  Posted: 21/06/2010 15:38

Hi All; Tom here, nice to see everyone doing well at the moment as I am. I think we are all a good influence for each other as well as support for each other. 

Kay it would be a privilege and a pleasure  for me to help you in any way I can for July so post as often as you like. Good luck with no therapist for the month as you yourself often say to people(me included) you will be fine and you deserve to be.  Kind regards to all Tom

buzz  Posted: 21/06/2010 14:52

Hi Kay thanks for asking about her. Unfortunately she is not doing very well at the moment, she is finding it difficult to get about. She depends on me for feeding, administering medication, physio, massage, daily washing and of course most importantly, ensuring that she has fun playing and getting out of the house. She has severe mobility problems meaning that her hind legs are completely useless now (what she has is similar to MS in people) but her front legs still work. She has a specially desgined cart that she used for almost a year and it gave her great freedom. Now though she has lost confidence in it and her needs have changed so I am trying to get her an upgrade. It's difficult though because the company is in the States and its hard to get parts shipped back and forth, not to mention losing measurements in translation and of course the cost. Some people will judge me of course, they always do, and say "ah for Gods sake would you not put that dog out of her misery" but I am her person, and I believe I will know when she is too miserable to carry on. We have a special bond, and I trust she will tell me when her time has come. I think perhaps sometimes this perceived misery is in fact, misdirected guilt owing to the knowledge that were THEY in the same situation, they would have given up on the dog long ago, and had it euthanased.

I will admit to splashing out on a pool for her which means that at least every evening she gets a half hour swim which eases out her joints, relaxes her, keeps her ticker in good order and also helps keep her front legs as strong as possible!Of course, my neighbour thinks I am completely insane - maybe I am?! Laughing

Anyway, life is short, and my good friend and colleague is off work today scattering his Mother's ashes, so I try to retain a little perspective too.

I take each day as it comes and yes I am more and more exhausted as her needs progress but I love spending time with her. She's special, and she's a gift. If I could change her condition it would be for her, not for me - she has made me realise that I am stronger than I ever thought I was. She has helped me to slow down and appreciate the moments rather than counting the weeks and years, and most importantly she has taught me to be the strong one, to act completely out of love for her and not for me. Something I think we could all do with at times!

Thanks you for keeping me in your thoughts. Being a carer can be a lonely and frightening road, and as her needs progress more and more people who were on my side have suddenly dropped off the side and decided that her time has been and gone. I am more alone now than ever, though I remain sure that I am acting out of HER interests and not mine. I just hope I can retain that focus because I would hate to become the kind of person who sees an animal suffer just to keep them alive. Although I do believe there's "life in the old dog yet!" Smile

Kay  Posted: 19/06/2010 14:20

Hi Scared, my therapist charges €60 for an hour session but if it runs late then she will give me another ten minutes and not charge me.  I think thats about average.  I have cut my therapy down to once every two weeks, my decision, and it seems to be going ok.  I have my exercises to do and as long as i dont run away from feelings that come up, and I am enclined to do that still, then its ok.  I wont be seeing my therapist for the month of July at all, she is taking some time off, and while I know I will be ok. I still feel worried about it. I will be relying on you guys heavily over that time so please keep posting.

Buzz, any word on your dog and yourself?

lilmissblue  Posted: 18/06/2010 20:59

Hey all,

Thanks for your kind words, teeth are a bit better! When I think of how bad I was feeling last week at the thought of having to go!

Im so glad we are all going though a good stage at the moment, Its great to all share the good times too. Each and everyone of you have helped me just by posting and being there. Someday I know I'll need to get professional help and hopefully I will but when I feel good I just love living through it and forgetting all about my anxious side.

Hi Scared, have been reading your posts and its great to meet another friend here.

Hi to Jean, Tom and Kay a great help to me as always.

Hope you all have a great weekend:)

Scared  Posted: 18/06/2010 12:20

Hi guys - Happy Friday :) Isnt his a wonderful forum. I was on the fertility forum when I was going through IVF and found it a huge support also. It is so helpful to  talk to people who understand.  Im sure you will  agree that we feel at our worst when we feel like there is no way out, so to have wonderful experienced people like you lot to come up with a plan can be a source of vital stregth.

Tom, I hear you about recognising that the feelings will come and go and that the a high intensity "attack" can not last forever. The attacks do pass and you are 100% in pointing out that we must remember this. I also agree that  even with all the therapy in the workd, we must accept that a certain degree of anxiety may flit in and out of our lives at different times.

Kay, thanks so much for agreeing to ask your therapist. Id love a recomendation.  I must admit I am keen on the idea of a therapist who combines getting to the source with cbt thereafter. I reckon the best thing for me is to stick with this therapist for another few weeks and to ask her how she will be able to help me when we identify the source. Ive been going for three months and there is no sign of getting to the bottom of it . I accept that it can take time and that I will not really get  much out of it until we get to the bottom of it.

Jean, you sound like you are doing great. Keep up the good work!

Lillmissblue, you are a topper for  going to the dentist.  You see we must remember that the mind is very powerful but we can beat it.

On a more practical note, can I ask about the cost of therapy? My lady started off charging me €85 per 50 min session, once I week. This was totally unsustainable for me so she has reduced it to €60. Is this about right? We are under financial pressure what with the two little ones, recssion etc and we are making many sacrifices so we can pay this. 

jean  Posted: 17/06/2010 18:36

Hi all,

scared,i am seeing a psychotherapist and for me this is the answer but everybody is different and it is important to do what is right for sounds like your last session went really well,that's great.i would think if you found your last session helpful and are happy with it then keep going but remember if things change you have options and kay's advice about asking her therapist is wonderful.i too wondered greatly as to should i be doing cbt or talk therapy etc..and have come to realise that there are many different approaches for treating anxiety but different ones suit different people and whatever works for you personally is the key.

lilmissblue congrats on going to the dentist,you should feel very proud,hope the pain eases.

Thankyou kay,i have found a truly wonderful therapist and everything you have been saying is so true.i am amazed at some of the things that have come up,things i thought i had long forgotten but am realising are sources for my anxiety.i have found this quite liberating and through changing my perceptions and beliefs i am beginning to let go and see things is a true blessing to have found someone i can trust so completely.

tom great to hear you are doing well again.

buzz thinking of you and your dog hope all is ok.

cheers all,jean. 

Kay  Posted: 17/06/2010 17:37

Hi Scared, I wont see my therapist for a few weeks but I will ask her to check out therapists in your area.  I believe you really do have to get to the source of the anxiety to heal it.  I know some people dont agree with that. But, I tryed every other avenue to heal without going into finding the source and they didnt work for me. They bought me some time yeah, but they didnt work.  Now I dont know what my future brings but I do have the skills now to deal with things that are thrown at me and I wouldnt have learned theese skills without detailed, prolonged therapy. My therapist uses cbt in the course of our sessions, but she didnt use it with me until we got to the source of my anxiety/panic. She believes as do I, that rushing into cbt without finding the source was futile. You know, every person is different and not one cure works for everybody.  It depends on you as an individual as to what you are comfortable with and how far you are willing to go to get well. I know, and this sounds off the wall, but I would have sold my soul to the devil at one point to just get rid of anxiety. I dont know if I will ever be the most relaxed person in the world but, at least I know now the reasons I react to some situations the way I do.  I know why I do and I also know if I write about it and talk about it, then it does ease and get better. I wish you well, sit with your therapist for a few weeks or so, then re-evalue the situation and if there is still a doubt then well chat here and come up with a solution for you. You will be ok. We will all be ok. Kay. 

Tom  Posted: 17/06/2010 13:53

Hi All Tom here, hope everyone is keeping well.

To Scared, I think it is important to get to the bottom of the source(s) of the anxiety. However I think it is also really important to learn about various techniques to control / deal with the anxiety when it is in "full flow". I think different techniques work in different situations.

In my own case I have become aware of alot of different techniques from reading the posts that various people have left on this site over the years. Some have worked for me to varying degrees, some have not, but that is me personally.

I think for me, in relatively recent times, I have at long last recognised that I have anxiety as a long term condition and it will not just vanish into thin air so to speak. However it can be very much controlled and for me when it is in full flow, I now believe it will "burn itself" out and that I will become better, or "get over the attack" to use another phrase. For me believing when I am under attack that I will become better sooner rather than later, has been a revelation and I think it is very important when you are under attack to think positive and also to think that you will come out the other side. Much easier said than done. Post again, we are all in this together, trying to help each other

Hello to everyone else who reads this site, I hope you are doing well. For me doing pretty well at the moment TG. Regards Tom  


Scared  Posted: 17/06/2010 12:10

Tom and Kay - Im so sorry I did miss your earlier posts which I have now read. Thanks so much. They are full of usefull information. The irony is that my session last week went very well. So I am a little confused now. The fear of chopping and changing and regreting moving v the fear of spending so much time, energy and money on this with no result. I just dont know.  I hear what you are both saying about having to have total faith and trust in the therapist for it to work. But maybe I should give it a few more weeks to see.

Even if I am with the wrong therapist, do you think this approach of finding the source of the anxiety is the right one or do you think it needs to be combined with cbt or other options?

Kay I live in D18 - any recommendations would be much appreciated.

 Tom - well done on ditching Donald. Isnt it empowering to know that you can...

Kay  Posted: 16/06/2010 17:48

Hi Tom I am pretty good overall.  I feel positive and strong.  Im so glad you are doing well Tom, you deserve to be.  Kay.

lilmissblue  Posted: 16/06/2010 16:49

Hi all,

Kay you are so wise, I suppose I just have to take the bad days (which are not too often) with the good ones. And Ive found great friends on this site to help me, so thank you all so so much.x.

Im feeling good again, took a bit of courage and phoned the dentist yesterday and went in this morning (I did sleep last night which is unusual as usually my constant obsessive thinking and worring starts an attack) but i was a nervous wreck in the waiting room but went in and got on great, didnt need another tooth out thank god just deep clean and polish so hopefully the pain goes completely away in a few days! After many prayers which i believe helped I am really going to look after my teeth!!

Jean and Tom thrilled you are both in good places at the moment, feels great (something I will never take for granted again).

Buzz thinking of you and hope you post again.

Chat soon.Smile

Tom  Posted: 16/06/2010 10:55

Hi All, Tom here hope everyone is doing well.

Specially to SCARED, I have sent a detailed comment earlier (No1605) about your experiences with your therapist. It seems to have got lost in the high volume of recent posts. I wish you well in the future but suggest you think very carefully about your current therapist in the next couple of weeks. Also see Kay's reply to you.

Hello Kay you sound like you are keeping well, I hope you are. I am in a pretty good space TG at the moment. Kind regards to all Tom

Kay  Posted: 15/06/2010 18:51

Hi all. Lillmissblue, I tryed hypnosis and it didnt work for me.  But thats not to say it wont work for you.  I thought my childhood was perfect and even when I first went to my therapist I told her it was.  I was 40 then.  I had no reason I could see for my panic and anxiety.  Over a period of time I started remembering stuff, disturbing things about my childhood. I didnt know if I was making them up but it was like flashes of video playing in my head.  Of abuse, I had been subjected to from the age of 4.  It took a while for me to accept theese flashes were real and they had actually happened. I had to learn to trust myself and memory.  The human mind is a wonderful thing even when its at its worse.  It can block out things to protect us. It can shut memories away to protect us. Now in no way I am saying your panic is caused by abuse, no way at all. But panic/anxiety is there because of something.  You werent born this way, soomething caused you to be like this as it did for all of us.  You know, apart from abuse, I also discovered that the way my mother behaved towards me as a child was anything but normal.  What we grow up with we perceive to be normal because thats all we know. Its only when we truely examine our relationships with someone in detail over a prolonged period of time that we see sometimes we were raised far from normal. 

I suppose the bottom line is there is always a reason for anxiety. It might not be obvious at first but there is always something. I truely wish you all the best and I hope you will take somecomfort in the fact that you are not insane neither are you mad  and you were definaltely not born like this.  None of us were.  And if we werent born like this then with time and help it will go completely. We will be free of anxiety and panic to live the lives we truely want and deserve.

jean, you are a trooper.  You could teach us all a thing or two. Tom, hope you are doing ok. Talk soon my friends. Kay.

Scared  Posted: 15/06/2010 16:04

Jean thanks so much! What an incredible journey you have been on, what a warrior you are. I am so glad to hear you are feeling a bit better.

I took a break from my therapist for the last two weeks and decided to brave it again last night to explain and actually it went really well so im going to stick with it for a bot and see how it goes. Yuor advise though has been great and I now know that if thinks dont work out i can go down to my gp and get him to refer me to someone else. My therpasit seems to have realised that she was to hard on me and and told me the magic words " I will get better". I think she relaises I am quite sensitive and I hoep she will chaneg her approcah accordingly.

Jean do you mind me asking what type of therapist you are seeing? Is it a cbt therapist or psychotherpasit or psychiatrist and what approach are they taking.

Thank you so much!

In work here so no time to check spelling - sorry!

jean  Posted: 15/06/2010 05:02

Hi all i am wired,strangely in a positive way. I went into a major depressive for the last 10 weeks,i am coming out of that now so i now have all my anxieties to beat but i think with patience and work i can come out the other end.

Scared..I am apalled at how you are being treated by your therapist.compassion,understanding are the most important thing and if i had been told there were no gaurantees of getting better i don't think i would be here today. I am in my mid 30's and i struggled all through my 20's both with physical pain,severe anxiety particularly social anxiety and some depression. during those years i attended many different doctors for pain,i gave each one a good shot but having laparascopy's and continually being told they could find nothing when i was so ill kept me changing doctor's until eventually i found the right one and am now pain free,not easy and it took 11 years but thankfully i kept going until i found the right one. I had similar experiences with therapists and i was quite young when i attended my first one,who suggested i go for massages,take holidays no actual help so i changed again,more of the same thing.I was just becoming more anxious and ended up being completely unable to socialise so i changed my gp. I was referred to a psychiatrist who also provided therapy and he was excellent. I attended him for a year and did well for a year and a half until my physical illness took over again. he put me in contact with a therapist closer to home whom i attended on and off for 6 years. this therapist saw me through my op and for a year after.Then for 18 months i was flying,no pain,no social anxiety..heaven.then i began to struggle with anxiety again but i tried to keep going alone for about 6 months. as the therapist i had seen previously had emigrated,my gp referred me to a parents and friends had been on my back for a good 2 months and i wanted this to work. It was awful,he intimidated me,didn't listen to anything i said,told me i had to work hard and do everything he said. He refused to send me for anxiety therapy and insisted i see a social worker who i can only describe as a bully.she put me down,told me anxiety was not an illness and instead of helping me scared me and me feel like i was some sort of silly child i kept going for two months to please my parents who are normally so supportive but for the only time ever didn't listen. it had terrible repurcussions and i barely left my house for 8 months afterwards so please don't make the same mistake i made. when i saw my new therapist for the first time 2 weeks ago the one thing she assured me was i would get better that it would be a slow process but she would teach me skills to cope.she was also so kind and compassionate. how it happened was i saw a different gp in the practice who spent an hour with me and convinced me to go to that psychiatrist who had worked in the past and once again he was wonderful and set me up with what i feel is going to be a wonderful therapist. I did try cbt for a short while and although my therapist has said we will move on to doing some in the future for now i need the slow compassionate approach. sorry for giving you such a long answer but i wanted to show you that firstly a therapist needs to show compassion and most importantly that they will be able to help you and that it is also ok to try out different ones you know immediatley when you have found the right one as it is about being comfortable and if you are uncomfortable it won't work and worse if they are making you feel bad then it can do more damage than good. can you ask your gp to refer you to another therapist or is there another gp in your area who may know of a good therapist. i am sure others on this site may be able to offer you some more advice,kay and tom have been excellent to me in this area.

hi kay,i have seen my therapist twice now and although it is very,very slow i am so looking forward to my session this week and i have never felt like this with anyone before. the first week she asked me to buy a new journal and write which i did 3-4 times a day but every time i wrote i cried buckets as everything i was writeing was painful,does this happen to you sometimes when you write? I do find talking when i have a session a huge help.

lilmissblue,hope you are feeling somewhat heart went out to you,i have felt like that so often and it's unbearable,frustrating pain.for me the mental anguish i feel is said you were unable to attend a party when everyone else was going,did that cause the anguish? i know you went though a good time for a while recently and for me having 2-3 pretty good years where i could mix with people and now to find myself back irrationally afraid of people again feels even harder after tasting normal life!do you find people difficult?because i do,i hate it,i love when i can be bubbly and sociable...SO if anyone out there suffers social anxiety i would really like to open up a bit more about it on this site.

best wishes everyone,jean.

lilmissblue  Posted: 14/06/2010 23:18

Hi Kay,

Yeah I have to say had a great childhood, absoloutely love my family to bits. I am very close to them all and probably thats a big problem cos i dont know what i'd do without them and the very thought terrifies me.

I can even remember back to being a child and being invited to a birthday party and of course made excuses not to go cos i remember feeling really anxious and not wanting to go.  Even going to the beach or on holidays, i just felt anxious and didnt go so id stay at home with my nan. 

Its so unusual, its like i feel scared and panicky and i get the physical symptoms, feeling sick etc.  I know I should go and see someone but I just cant face it, my mam suggested Hypnosis and I was wondering if anyone has ever tried it???

Am feeling good today, back on track. Except i still have the twinges in my teeth but am keeping the best side out and hoping this passes, if not I will defo go to the dentist when im on holidays from work in two weeks even though the thoughts scare me senseless. The reason for this is as when i had a tooth out last December my anxiety came to a head and I have suffered every month for a couple of days since. This is when i realised i had a problem, I am a complete and utter obsessive worrier and went to the doctor when I looked up the symptoms of anxiety. She put me on Rivotril which are great and I only take them when i really need them.

You are so kind Kay and you are a great help as is everyone here.

Thanks so much.

Tom  Posted: 14/06/2010 18:41

Hi all Tom here, Hope all who read this site are well. My anxiety and panic has for the moment gone away so thanks for the support guys it means alot.

To  Lillmissblue, I have read your post, sympathise  with your predicament. I have read Kay's reply to you and agree with everything she says. So I hope you can take something from Kay's reply and apply it to your situation in the days ahead. Good luck, you will as Kay says be ok, it is very important to believe that.

Hello Kay, I hope you are well. Jean it is wonderful to hear your good news, I hope it keeps going in the same direction for you.

To Scared I do remember you very well, hello welcome back to the forum. I have read and reread  your latest post and I am still somewhat shocked by its contents and in particular what you have gone through in recent times.

My comments for what they are worth are as follows;

I think for any professional help the person receiving it must have full faith and confidence in who is giving it. I think it can sometimes be the right treatment but the wrong person giving it and that is no good for the person receiving it. From what you have written I think this person is not doing you any good so I think you should change.

I would disagree with your fears about a psychiatrist. I have attended and I found it helped me alot. You would have nothing to fear from such a visit(s) and it could actually help you alot. 

Regarding your year issue, I think there is something wrong here. I know we as patients always ask for timetables etc but mostly we do not get specifics from the therapist concerned. I think this is right since for each individual what is important is to get to the source(s) of the problem and that could take any thing from a month to years. So I think the year timetable by your current therapist should not have been given to you for lots of reasons. 

Where do you go from here. I think you know there is lots of help out there but unfortunately you have to find what helps you and stick with that. I think it would be wise to read the posts on this site going back a year or so at least, there is some very interesting and useful material on it and you may find something that appeals to you. In the meantime try and write a few more posts here, it will probably help you as it has helped me and lots of other people.

Medication for anxiety is not a good idea except for short term assistance in low quantities. Usually there is something(s) driving the anxiety and discovering this and learning to cope with it is likely to be far more beneficial to you in the future. I am sorry if I have gone on a bit, I am only trying to help you and I wish you every comfort in the days ahead. Kind regards Tom  

Kay  Posted: 14/06/2010 17:24

Hi Scared.  If you have doubts about your therapist then it probably wont work.  You have to be able to completely trust them.  I think you would know after three months if she was the right therapist for you.  She is right in one thing though, it could take a year or longer to find the root of your anxiety.  But please dont loose heart with this fact, because once you find the root, and you will, then you have to start retraining your body,brain and body not to react to anxiety the way it always has done.  What part of the country are you living in?  The only reason I ask is that I know I could ask my therapist to recommend someone she trusts.  She says herself, she knows hundreds of therapists but she would probably only recommend 3 of them.  Her reasoning is that the ones she would recommend have been on their own difficult journey with lots of practical experience and huge compassion. I have been to a psychiatrist 3 yrs ago and he was nice.  They seem to side with medications mostly but some seem to be opening up to the possibility of therapy as well.  It can sometimes require a mixture of meds and therapy.  Scared, your therapist is probably doing her best but if you have doubts now is the time to seek out someone else.  I can get you info if you need.  all the best Kay.

Scared  Posted: 14/06/2010 13:52

Hi folks


Don’t know if you remember me, but I was in contact a number of months ago about my medical related anxiety. Tom and Kay, you might remember me and my long history of ill helath, ivf twins etc. You were a great help to me in sorting out how to o about getting help. I went to my gp and he has sent me to a psychotherapist who i have been seeing weekly for the last 3 months.

She says it may take a year of therapy and her approach is to find the source of the anxiety. Then she says the anxiety should lift.


The reason I am back looking for help is that Im not sure if she is the right therapist for me. I would stick with it if I knew it was going to work but she can give me no guarantees. That I can understand but she gives me no encouragement whatsoever and is not in the least bit compassionate. She is not able to give me a coping mechanism fro the say to say anxiety and has suggested I talk to my gp about drugs for this. Her approach is quite aggressive and I find her very controversial. I say black, she says white you know? Last week after the session I was crying so much that I got a terrible headache that got so so so bad that I ended up in A and E. After 12 hours on a trolley, brain scan and blood tests they diagnosed it as a severe tension headache.


I am due back with my therapist this evening. I am aware that the darkest hour can be just before the dawn and I don’t want to give up on this and then try something else which may not work and then think, gosh I should have stuck with this.


They way I see it, I can carry on and hope for the best at the end of a year - difficult when there are no guarantees or go back to my gp and see what he thinks. I am terrified that he will send me off to a psychiatrist or something - Ive heard awful stores about getting the wrong referral. Or else I can stop going and book in with a cb therapist who has been highly recommended.


Any advice would be much appreciated. This anxiety is running the best days of my life and I am so desperate to ditch it.


Tom - sorry to have Donald Duck was causing a commotion again. The positive thing is that the panic passed and do not major harm. As you know panic is just a feeling and while it feels horrible it can do you no harm and always passes.


Jean I am so delighted you are on the road to recovery. How did you go about getting the right therapist?


Kay - you are so wise!


Thank you in advance and keep up the good work.


Kay  Posted: 13/06/2010 15:32

Jean, I am so glad for you.  Your on the right road now Jean.  Its so brilliant when you find a therapist you click with.  Your right Jean, it probably wont be easy  but it will work if you stick with it and do the work you have to do.  It is work, hard work and I know it works but even I dont do the exercises Im supposed to do sometimes.  Good luck Jean, if you need to compare notes about therapists or their approach to healing then just ask me please. 

Lillmissblue, what you are describing and how you feel is all mixed and jumbled which is the way a mixed up head is going to feel. Until  you speak to someone and start getting the mixed up thoughts out of your head this will keep biting you.  Do you mind if I ask was your childhood ok? Have you suffered any major trauma in the past? The reason im asking is because you are not mad or insane, there is always without exception a reason for anxiety.  Ive been in a normal situation at home or work and without any obvious reason I will start to feel anxious and think crap here it goes again.  but when I stop and sit down and write about it or talk about it then there is a reason, that something has triggered a memory (not usually a good one). It could be a smell or some other sense that has been triggered and for me its usually fear.Am I making any sense? anyway you will be ok, as long as you take an active part in recovery and even coming on this forum you have already started the ball rolling.

lilmissblue  Posted: 12/06/2010 21:45

Hi all, im writing this as im sitting all alone at home. Everyone is gone to a party and I just couldnt face goin. Have a horrible day, feel absoloutely miserable. 

All started yesterday, had a weird feeling in my mouth (not really a toothache) and the more i obsessed about it and thought of going to the dentis the worse i started to feel.  Totally freaked out last night and barely slept.  My mouth feels ok today twinges here and there but its all over really and I cant pin point the exact area.  But I feel rotten, feel constantly sick and on edge. Feel awful that I couldnt go tonight but I just couldnt face it.  I really hate this part of me and only for my 7 year old i'd rather not be here.  Just wish it would all stop.

Thinking of you all and hope things are ok for you all.

jean  Posted: 03/06/2010 19:23

Hi All

finally at last i have found the right therapist,kay you have been spot on.i have finally found someone i felt comfortable with and trusted,who was compassionate,understanding and helpful.i had thought for so long it would never happen,that i was asking the impossible but thankfully i was wrong and it was so good to talk.i felt lighter afterwards and unlike in the past when i would leave a therapy session i would get excited and begin making plans to do all sorts,i am staying in the moment and can't wait until my session next week.i know this is just the beginning and i have tough times ahead but for the 1st time in 2 years i feel a sense of peace.THANK YOU ALL for helping me through some of the darkest weeks of my life.

It's hard talking to people close to me about how i feel.i tend to isolate myself a lot and do so completely when i am in a deep depression(which is why talking here has been a life saver)but when i do start back talking to friends and family it's mixed some of them just can not understand but most of them are very supportive.i know i am lucky to have supportive friends and i need to trust more as i sometimes shut myself off through embarressment and shame.i also feel like iv'e nothing worthy to say to them as iv'e been unable to socialise.then my own head becomes unbearable as the thought's go round and round.

my thought's and support are with you all,keep posting!


buzz  Posted: 03/06/2010 11:46

Very wise words Kay. It is said that depression can be "anger turned in" (although I realise that it can be a chemical imbalance too) but you are right, bottling up only makes it worse. Sometimes if it's hard to say something, writing (or typing!) it can be an easy transition. I remember saying to my partner about my dog, "I think it may be nearing her time" and it's funny, it was something that I had THOUGHT for a while, and had somewhat made my peace with, but when I said it out loud and heard the cold hard words, I broke down! Often when I am upset about her, I try to put on a brave face and try not to cry and you know what happens? I actually get an ache in my throat from literally stiffling the sobs. It's so bad for us to keep these things inside. Tom keep sharing with us whenever you feel like you need an outlet because it is so important. We are not going to judge each other or have any creepy group hugs lol Laughing

buzz  Posted: 03/06/2010 11:38

Hope all are doing well, and thank you for all your kind words and support.

lilmissblue  Posted: 02/06/2010 20:30

Hi all,

Good to hear from you Tom and your so right by posting it really helps to share how we are feeling and lighten the load a little. I have a fab family but they just dont understand completely. They tell me to try work my way out of the dark times and also not to worry but again unless you truly understand its easy to say that.

Buzz I really hope your well and will thinking of you over the next while.

Kay and Jean hope things are ok with you both also.

Took one of my meds last night and it did take the edge off. The doc gave me 14 rivrotril before christmas and I do only take them when I really need to but am down to my last 3 and dread going back in case she wont renew it.

Talk soon.Smile

Kay  Posted: 02/06/2010 18:55

Hi Tom, its tight financially for a lot of people right now.  When my hubby had a great job, although it didnt make my anxiety go it was always assuring that I had the finance there to fund whatever help or alternative therapies I wanted or thought would help me. Now were not as financially secure but its ok, I have a little fund put away and I mean little, but its like my safety net.  You are doing great Tom and once you know whats driving the panic youve won half the battle.  You must talk though Tom and write all the time to anyone who will listen.  Its a very important part of recovery, no secrets, just let it out and if not to your partner tI hen to us here.  The pressure only builds in us when we keep our thoughts inside. 

Jean, glad to hear from you.  You are doing well Jean and you will be ok.  This will pass as sure as the sun comes up tomorrow this phase will definately pass.  I promise you and I wouldnt make that promise if I thought it wasnt true. Jean do you talk to anyone like a family member or friend?  Its important that someone listens to you.  Someone patient and calm to listen to the off the wall thoughts you might have going around your head.  It really is important you find someone here Jean and if not sure us here will do our best to help you.

Buzz glad to hear that your pet is doing well again. keep us up to date please. 

Tom  Posted: 02/06/2010 13:44

Hi all. Its a while since I left a post but I have been looking in. Buzz I had pets when I was young and your recent posts made me realise how important they were to me. My deepest sympathy to you in your difficult time.

To Lilmissblue, I do understand where you are coming from. For a while I have been very good as regards panic until this morning. Under attack by Donald Duck once more vomiting, swirling panic etc.  Donald Duck is my name for this panic.

Need to reach out to you guys for some support. Kay you are right about something always driving the panic. The real issue for me at the moment is the lack  of employable work for the summer months. There are also a number of very small items like you Lilmissblue. It all seemed to come to a head so quickly. Now at least I know from the past is that this will go away and meanwhile  for me I have to carry on  but it certainly is not easy in the meantime.

As always the isolation comes to the surface in times like this so I am so grateful to have you guys around for support. Joan good to hear that you are starting to do well again. Kind regards to all Tom       

jean  Posted: 01/06/2010 17:09

Hi All,this is the 1st time i have been back on here in over a week.Buzz i understand your pain.i love my animals so much.although i have good family and friends,my animals are my children,my soul mates,my best friends.i don't think i could ever love a person as lose your beautiful dog now i can see would be heartbreaking but that sad quote is so true and your dog is so lucky to share life and love with you and yes it's memory will be around forever.

kay thank you so much for the encouragement.your words always make sense and it really helps to be able to relate to other people going through similar fears and feelings.

lilmissblue i feel just the same,i want to scream why me?why do i obsess and worry?we don't want to.i hate it,it makes me feel less of a person and work a terrifying chore instead of something i could feel success from but deep down i know with help there has to be a way to overcome this!keep fighting and enjoying the good times )

in general i am starting to feel a tiny bit alive again for the 1st time in 8 weeks.i am not entirely sure what made me sink back down into such a deep depression when i had been fighting hard and having glimmers of hope and happiness,after the doc yesterday i feel it was a combination of the wrong anti depressant and was too soon for me to be so far away from family on my own.this was something i couldn't come to terms with as i spent all last year fighting to get back there but i am now willing to accept and see i have to do whats best for my health then hopefully i will be able to go anywhere but iv'e finally realised that i have to get well feels almost surreal to have even the smallest positive thoughts again after weeks of total negativity so i am really using them.the hardest thing for me is acceptance and letting go but i am starting to see that by holding on and going over all i have missed etc..was stopping me from moving forward and finally i do want to move forward so it's back to fighting this curse again..i avoided the doctor etc..for over a month through fear and exhaustion but kind professional support and for 1st time in 2 years proper understanding of my meds with a good increase in the anti depressant has me starting again and for 1st time in 8 wks i am greatful and hope i have the strength to keep fighting! hope tom and everyone else who has posted here are keeping well.

buzz  Posted: 01/06/2010 09:20

Hi Kay thank you for your kind words. I would love to think that She would still be around in spirit after she passes, but only if she wants to of course! Had her at the vet last night, they said she was doing well and have started her on a new drug which may stop the disease progressing. I refuse to get my hopes up only to have them dashed again. She wasn't great this morning on her legs, and God I felt terrible leaving her but I told her Mom has to work to pay your vet bills! Laughing My partner as usual is kicking off now about the dog (my partner is a very jealous individual) and is having  a go at me for being "obsessed" with her. I keep telling her, its ok for her she has an able bodied and healthy dog! I wouldn't wish this on her dog, but I just wish she would try to be a little more understandnig and realise that my dog has to come first.

I read a very sad quote a while back, that really hit a nerve:

"I have set you free from this world of pain, not because I didn't love you...but because I loved you too much to force you to stay"

It's touching that you still miss your dog every day and you know maybe if we keep their memory alive and with us, then they are never truly gone from our lives.

"A dog's life is too short...their only fault really".

Kay  Posted: 31/05/2010 20:56

Buzz, its so hard when a much loved family pet is taken.  Seems unfair, but I suppose dogs dont live much more than between 8-14 yrs on average, so they are never intended to be a life long partner for us humans.  Buzz, I said her before we lost our two spaniels within a year both much loved and we had the eldest one before our children.  So when she was taken I sobbed too, as did my kids and husband(who does not get attached to animals).  We sobbed for weeks, we couldnt eat and the whole house felt sad and empty.  Writting this makes me cry as I remember how sad we are that she is gone.  I read a book recently called Angel dogs, and it was just lovely, I recommend it. You might try amazon.  You will feel so sad when your dog passes, but its ok to feel that way and its most certainly ok to grieve, in fact its important you do for your health.

I know this sounds off the wall, but two weeks after Jessie, our 12yr old spaniel died, I was in my kitchen walking towards my fridge while preparing dinner as usual, when I almost fell over something sitting on the mat in the place where jessie used to sit. I stopped in my tracks, i couldnt see her but I felt her lying up against my leg, and I just said "hi old girl". It was hugely emotional but I knew she had come to visit.  I still sit in the garden and see her out of the corner of my eye.  She loved to sit in the sun next to me, while we shared ice-cream.  Buzz, it will be tough but time will pass slowly and bit by bit your pain will ease,just remember that when you feel really bad, give yourself a bit longer and be patient with yourself. 

lilmissblue  Posted: 31/05/2010 19:18

Hi all,

Have decided to start writing again, I do look in everyday but felt foolish writing. Everyone here is so friendly to each other and suppose I just felt like I would be imposing! Foolish I know. Buzz my heart truly goes out to you, they really are part of the family and everything you feel makes complete sense. Thinking of you.  Hi to Kay, hope you had a lovely day for the communion. Hi Jean, Im glad to read your posts, I can really relate to how you feel. 

Was having a pretty good time but since yesterday Ive started to feel anxious again. Its work bringing it on this time, over something so petty. A person has been phoning a few times and got no response and when they phoned to check I was passing on the messages and had it written down all the times they have phoned (which I have and ticked where I passed on the messages) I started to obsessively worry and doubt myself and imagine all sorts of crazy outcomes!

I hate feeling this way:(

Take care all.

buzz  Posted: 31/05/2010 08:57

Bad night, not sure how much more I can cope with. My coping mechanisms were ok but now I just feel like my entire life has been hijacked. My beautiful dog is weakening fast. it kills me to even type this (and it's as close as I can come to saying it aloud right now) but I think her time may be drawing near. I sobbed and sobbed last night and honestly thought my heart was going to break in two. My poor baby didn't understand why her person was being a snivelling fool. She just kept staring at me with those huge, brown adoring eyes. I can't take much more. I don't want to be in a world that doesn't have her in it. God that sounds so silly and melodramatic but I simply have NO interest in living a life without her. I know a lot of it stems from the fact that I have been her primary carer for the last two years. I've done everything for her and we have both fought so hard against this fecking disease...and when she goes there will be such a huge void. I can honestly say (and apologies to my Grandparents who have gone to their resting place) I have NEVER felt grief like this.

Kay  Posted: 25/05/2010 19:48

Hi Jean, what a lovely post.  jean your tears arent stupid, theyre important.  At least it means you are not shut down competely.  I am truely willing you well Jean, I know you will be ok.  Just remember this will pass in time, it wont last forever.  I went to my daughters communion had panic attacks before it but was fine once there.  After having panic attacksfor the past 25 years I suppose I expected them not to be there still after three years therapy.  But  I know why I have them and I know what causes them so I thought once i realised these things that they would stop, but they havent. So now, I think therapy has taught me how to cope with them rather than them being gone.  Although my therapist assures me there will come a time when I wont have them, I am not sure about that.   So, when i have a panic attack everything else comes too, the feeling of helplessness, the overwhelming feelings of frustration and dissappointment. But i am ok, I will be ok, because I have to be for my children, my hubby and friends and family.

Jean, you are going to be ok.  Stick with it please. 

jean  Posted: 25/05/2010 00:10

Thank you kay,in all my years of suffering iv'e never felt as down as i do right now my stupid tears would fill an ocean but you are right we have to keep going and we will.i had a long chat with doctor today and back to counselling next week.also took out my journal and work books for 1st time in month,as i write here now i feel a glimmer of hope maybe tomorrow i will get out to garden with dogs,may be a small step but would be nice while we are having such lovely weather.i had been for counselling for years and know how slow and tough it can be but i also have to remind myself how successful it can be as 2 intensive years gave me 3 years with lot's of good times.unfortunatley that therapist emigrated and my mistake was when my anxiety attacks started up again that i thought i could ignore them and they would go away, instead of getting help before they destroyed my life completely again.when not if(positive thinking!)i have that good life back i won't make the same mistake again and will look for support sooner.when you listed your anxieties i realised i really do that i couldn't get dressed because i was anxious about getting in touch with friends,then it was because i was anxious over an x-ray my young horse has to have finally with just about an hour to go i had a shower and made it to the doctor which was my main anxiety all along!

I wish your daughter a beautiful day for her communion..if you are anxious about it this week post here.

for now to all here's to tomorrow..may we all find some joy in it no matter how small.

Kay  Posted: 22/05/2010 21:25

Hi Jean. Therapy is slow,very slow. At times I feel its getting me nowhere but I know thats only when I feel anxious or have something worrying me.  I know Ive said before here, but I have been in therapy for three years so I understand your impatience with the process. Its only this week that I decided to go every two weeks instead of weekly. This decision is supported by my therapist, she also feels i am strong enough to do this. Now this decision alone is making me feel a little anxious but I know I will be ok.  I think whats making me anxious too is my daughters communion is on this Sunday and i feel anxious about that.  But I suppose also is the fact that last night I had a flashback about being raped by the pig who abused me.  It was graphic and I hate having them but I know when they are out they cannt hurt me any more.  See.......look what I just did, I left the flashback until last when in truth I know its the cause of my anxiousness right now.  Oh.... its exhausting but I have to go on.  As you do Jean, I know this forum has helped me so much and I am here as well as the others to help you in any way we can. 

dunner  Posted: 21/05/2010 23:07

Buzz - i hope you are getting relief by now. I was in the position a few years ago. Took weeks for the tablets to kick in. Eventually they did. Thank God. I am now out the other side of the awful abyss that was my existence for so long. I found a book entitled 'Self Help For your Nerves' that was a great help. There is another one by the same author called 'Freedom from Nervous Suffering'. I can't remember her name (she was australian but has since died) but you can get the book in your library in the non fiction section. It became my bible and helped me through so many Black Hole days. By the way, I'm off all medication for a long time now. That book is a little Gem

jean  Posted: 21/05/2010 16:29


kay i hadn't been for counselling in the last month as i was torn between where to live and although i am still a little uncertain i realise this was a big mistake as the talking and the therapy was the one thing keeping me going and although slow i had been making progress. I eventually got out and saw the doctor again here at home who was excellent and i have a counselling session on monday.

I have a huge fear of doctors which makes it so difficult when i have had a bad couple of weeks or have to see a new one.i have had some bad experiences and i find it so difficult to believe they can help which i know is the wrong way to think as it is another obstacle to getting better but for me going to a doctor makes me feel like a child. has anyone else had problems with going to the doctor? does anyone feel our mind shuts down so much when we are depressed that we make excuses without even realising?

billiebob i too have had times when i slept through a day like you did.has happened after a highly anxious time when i had not been sleeping and when relaxation finally comes the exhaustion knocks me really scared me at first but it rarely happens and i now accept it and am greatful for the sleep but i know how difficult it is explaining to people they can't believe anyone could sleep through a whole day but it does happen!my cymbalta was increased to 60mg this week so fingers crossed.

thanks tom,i had a good chat with my doctor about the meds so only the dosage was increased this month so i am happy about that.

buzz hope you are feeling better than yesterday.glad you got your prescription,i find the pharmacists always so helpful and like tom i leave my prescription with them so can pick it up easily.

good luck everyone jean.

buzz  Posted: 20/05/2010 13:25

Got prescription again, pharmacy were lovely - because they ahd filled the first month's precr they had it on file so getting the next months was fine. Feeling very off now though, very dark.

Tom  Posted: 17/05/2010 20:18

Hi All, Tom here. To Buzz I agree with Kay re your prescription. One other point which I do which may help for the future is to leave your prescription with the pharmacist, they are usually happy to accommodate. I did this after I once lost a prescription.

Billybob dont worry about excessive sleeping unless it becomes a frequent occurrence and interfers with your life in a drastic way. 

Jean try to put your thoughts down on paper even to this site, I have found that very definitely some event(s) trigger attacks, it is trying to find the event(s) that is the hard part. Varying meds particularly over short periods is not good news, I think you talk to your doctor about a medium term plan say 3 months, this would give your system time to get used to the meds.

Hi Kay, hope you are well. Regards to all Tom  

Billybob  Posted: 17/05/2010 18:36

My last post was edited to bits, why I don't know.

Jean, that's some sound advice from Kay.  Talking or even writing does help.  I know it can be difficult to do this at times but it does work wonders.  I wish you well.

Hi Kay, I probably wouldn't have minded so much but I had plans on Sat.  I was due to see the family and because I didn't turn up I'm now getting a lot of grief.  Especially because I didn't contact them.  I tried to explain what happened but still all I hear is you should have called.  They don't seem to comprehend that you cannot make phone calls when you are asleep!  I too was having difficulties sleeping until I started on the cymbalta.  I was getting no sleep at all so seem to have come full circle now.  I'm just happy that it wasn't a work day as that wouldn't have gone down well in the office.

Hope everyone is doing good today.

Kay  Posted: 17/05/2010 17:37

Jean, my heart really goes out to you.  Are you seeing a counsellor or therapist still?  Its really important that apart from the meds, you also talk and get things out of your head.  If not try writting, I can assure you its a pain in the ass doing it but it works. 

billybob, I think its a good sign you slept all that time. Your body is probably exhausted and catching up.  Anxiety is absolutely exhausting physically.  But you must have been relaxed enough to sleep that length.  I would like to sleep longer than six hours straight. 

Buzz, you can ring your doctors secretary and explain to her about prescription and she should get one written for you to collect at your doctors.  If she insists you have to go to see doctor ask to speak to doc and explain it all.  If your doctor is happy enough with your meds there is no reason for them to see you face to face again.  Somnetimes I think its all a money racket.  anyway all the best guys, a big hi to Tom.  

Billybob  Posted: 17/05/2010 13:32

Hi Buzz,

Ring your dr and speak to his secretary.  Explain the situation, he may write a new script without the need for the fee.  Hope your dog is ok also :)

Thanks for the well wishes Tom.

Hi Jean, I'm on 60mg of cymbalta. 

Has anyone ever experienced excessive sleeping?  I went to bed at 11.15pm on Friday and night and didn't wake until 12PM Sunday afternoon.  I'm actually quite scared to think I lost one full day.  Not sure what to put it down to.  I have never heard of this happening to anyone!

buzz  Posted: 17/05/2010 09:08

crap. lost prescription, cant afford another dr visit right now and have been two days without drug now. Had breakthrough crying session last night (first time I cried in weeks) and now have weird twitches today! Yell

jean  Posted: 16/05/2010 00:06

Hi All

I have been in hell the last few weeks with depression but have been checking my computer on and off just have not been up to writing but as animal's are my life i was very moved by what you wrote buzz.fantastic news that your anti depressant is helping and everything you said is so true,just enjoy every second you spend with your dog.i am in a similar position to the one you had been in,i have the most beautiful,loving horse but her health is not 100% though luckily due to expensive treatment i can keep her from suffering physically.this horse unlike any other i've had is so human with me,always wants to do her best and get's so depressed when i am not around so at the moment i feel enormous guilt as i have been unable to spend time with her.when i am this bad i sometimes feel i should get her a new home but can't as my animals are the only thing i want to live for and although i have been rock bottom lately,they are always in my mind and keep me from giving up completely.the way you are now accepting things buzz is somewhere i long to be.i know you had to fight hard to get there,i hope i can too..well done.

kay so sad to read you lost your beloved dogs.i have lived with my family most of my life and we have a 9yo lab who just like your dog always knew when i was anxious and depressed,she would come and scratch at my door then sit with me even curling up at my feet if i february i got my own puppy a yorkie who was tiny the first couple of months and is great for my anxiety too as i can take her everywhere with true that every child should have a pet,they make the best friends!

I am back home where i am most likely going to stay for a while.i see the doctor here again on monday.with such a drastic change in med's over the last 6 months,so many different anti depressants and dosages(i often feel i would be better off on nothing)it has made it extremely difficult to tackle my anxiety problems.

billiebob..what dosage of cymbalta are you on? i have a feeling it may be working one major improvement is my concentration which was really bad for over a year but now i can read books again appetite is better too,i am still very jittery but i think that is more to do with the fact i have barely left the house in 6 weeks so my anxiety is sky high!my doctor had been talking about increaseing it so i think i will give this a go,better option than changing again and as i say there have been small improvements..good to hear from someone who is doing well on it!

tom great to hear things are going well for youSmile


Kay  Posted: 14/05/2010 23:10

Hi Buzz.  I had my 12 year old springer spaniel die March 2009. we were all devestated especially my son who is 12 and grew up with her always by his side.  She had gotten arthritis, loosing her hearing, had cataracts, snored, had bad breath and developed tumours on her body.  I am grateful I didnt have to make the choice to have her put to sleep, she went down hill within 48 hours and went to sleep and didnt wake up.  She was an angel, she was almost human and she was part of the family. I remember sitting on my back step crying because of anxiety/depression and she used to lick the tears from my face or just sit quitely with me looking almost making sure I was ok.  I loved her so much as did all the family.  The other blow came this march, when we had to have her daughter a 6 yr old springer put down.  The two of them were always to-gether and when her mam died the younger one just gave up on life, she became very anxious, lost her hair and had theese growths develp on her skin.  We spent a small fortune on vets and diets over the course of a year but finally we let her go to be with her mammy.  I get emotional as I write this because its still very sad to remember that they are both gone but at least they are to-gether. I believe that dogs are sent to be our companions through rough times.  I believe that pets are a very important part of our lives and I always feel sorry for kids who grow up in a home without pets because we learn so much from them. They teach us how to love.  I hope your dog is ok soon Buzz, all the best kay. 

Tom  Posted: 14/05/2010 17:27

Buzz, that is really a powerful message you left. I will read it many times in the future. Many thanks Tom

buzz  Posted: 14/05/2010 14:58

That's true Billybob. We have to keep believing that things will get better. One of the things that has improved since I began on my antidepressants was not just feeling happier, but allowing things to just "be"...even if they were making me unhappy. I think there are some things in life that are inevitable and tragic, and we can only begin to move past them when we accpet that they cannot be changed. I have a really ill pet whose prognosis is guarded to poor (seems like a silly example but everyone's tragedy is personal to them) and for months I was devastated and so panicked at the thought of losing her. I knew it was going to happen but I couldnt accept it and that was blocking my happiness. With the drugs, I have been able to make my peace with the idea that she will die, and I am beginning to savour the time we have left. It doesnt mean I love her any less, and it doesnt mean I wouldnt go to the ends of the earth for her if I thought that would help, but it does mean that I am stronger and more use to her, and hopefully when I look back in years to come at her last few months I will remember the good times and how we made the most of things, and not just how I worried about losing her and in doing so forgot to enjoy her! Dont mean to be preachy but that's my little success story.

Ironically, she's actually a little better since my cloud lifted. Dogs are so tuned into their owners, I didn't realise that my negativity was affecting her! She was living in a toxic environment where every time she barked wrong I had her at the vet, and she felt the need to hide her illness.

Billybob  Posted: 14/05/2010 07:10

Thanks Buzz, relieved something finally seems to be working. Things got so bad that I found I couldn't even bring myself to post here even though I regularly checked others posts. It can only get better going forward ;)

Tom  Posted: 13/05/2010 21:10

Hope all are well, having a pretty good time of it at the moment TG. To Billybob delighted to hear that things are working out well for you Kind regards to all Tom

Kay  Posted: 13/05/2010 17:49

Hi guys, just a quick catch up. Glad to hear you are all doing ok. Im ok mostly, still having problems with my mother but hey..... maybe thats the way its always going to be. Families..who would have them? talk soon.kay.

buzz  Posted: 13/05/2010 11:23

Glad to hear you're doing well Billybob :)

Billybob  Posted: 13/05/2010 10:17

The cymbalta seem to be working for me thankfully. Feel more like myself and more level headed again. No longer snapping at people or experiencing the "jitters". 

Billybob  Posted: 06/05/2010 09:37

Hi everyone, hope you are all doing well. Just wondering if anyone has tried cymbalta? After a pretty horrendous few months I finally went back to my doc and he prescribed these for combined anxiety/depression treatment. Would like to hear from anyone who may have tried them. Take care.

Tom  Posted: 05/05/2010 10:57

Hi Buzz, Kay Jean and all out there, hope you are all doing well. Myself I am having a pretty good run of it. Regards tom

buzz  Posted: 26/04/2010 09:47

Hi Kay thanks so much for th advice, and for opening up. It's nice to know that others have had a somewhat similar experience. I suppose they think if we get therpay or some other form of medical help we might grow strong and find the strength to move away. I certainly think this is the case with my partner. I suspected a long time ago that she has a personality disorder, and likes to be the controlling one, and now is feeling threatened because I am beginning to assert my own needs and goals.

Now I am feeling something new for her - pity! I used to just resent her for trying to control me and alienate me, draining all my finances etc but now I actually feel a little sorry for her. Not in a condescending way, but I think it really highlights how I have seen her for what she is - a scared and threatened bully who is terrified of losing me...and I feel bad for her...

That said, I have to keep reminding myself that control is not love, and when she rings 50 times to find out where I am it doesnt mean she's worried about me!

Kay  Posted: 23/04/2010 21:06

Buzz, I love my hubby, but I know sometimes he is sometimes put out by all the therapy I am getting and the fact that I react differently to things.  In the past if we were having a disagreement, I would be the one to cry, be frustrated and usually feel like I was wrong and so back off.  But now, I stand my ground, I dont raise my voice.  I talk rationally and its now him  that gets frustrated, starts to raise his voice and quite honestly doesnt know how to cope with me. But anyway, people do change through therapy or counselling and sometimes it will make a relationship stronger or drive people apart. As for my relationship, well, I dont know, I'm still observing, I dont know if we have become too different, I dont know if I want to be with him for the rest of my life.  I do love him, but he annoys me and can sometimes be a bully.  Never violent but still, something is shifting in my thinking and I dont know where it's taking me.  Maybe I am just having an off day.  I suppose what I am saying is people change, and those closest to them may have a hard time accepting it.

buzz  Posted: 23/04/2010 10:00

Kay Oh my God I never thought of that but you know it makes so much sense! Of course, I'm an idiot you would think I'd know how she plays her little games by now! She wants to keep me down and feeling like I am worthless and will never meet anyone else... Because do you know for the last few days she has been really off with me and I have been trying to figure out what is on her mind. Now I think I know.

Kay  Posted: 22/04/2010 20:48

Hi buzz,seems your other half is more comfortable when you do nothing about your mental health.  She might prefer you depending on her and may feel threatened by you doing something to get well.  I wonder is she scared you will leave if you get well.  Anyway you doing great and keep on going.

Hi Tom and Jean,hope you are all doing ok.

Tom  Posted: 21/04/2010 11:30

Hi Jean, Keep trying the baby steps they do really work. I have been where you are, it is not a nice place but everything you do (getting up, taking a walk, talking to someone), ie any type of activity really is an achievement which you should compliment yourself.    

Also try ridiculing your depression and anxiety by separating them from you, believe that they are not you, we were not born anxious and depressed. Most important to believe this simple fact. I appreciate all very easy for me to say and write since I myself am in a pretty good space at the moment thank God but nevertheless it is true.

Jean I think something always triggers off anxious/ depressive episodes, try to identify this, it could be something very simple or complex.  The reason I am suggesting to specifically try to identify what it is this time, is  that if you could identify what set this one off  the  chances are that your help (psychologist) sessions would most likely be much more focussed by dealing with this issue(s).

Kay and Buzz thinking of you, hope you are both coping. All the best Tom

buzz  Posted: 21/04/2010 10:04

Well the cat is, as they say, out of the bag now. Against my better judgement (which was already impaired due to the consumption of a little too much chardonnay!) I told my lesser half about the Citalopram. Naturally, it was taken personally and I got the "I am so hurt that you didn't tell me" lecture with a little "You KNOW my issue with antidepressants" thrown in for good measure.

I was like, seriously, I don't need your permission OR your approval to take positive steps towards helping my mental health. The fact that I chose conventional medicine over her sugar and water witchery "pills" does not lie easy with her!

I know she is controlling but this is just beyond belief! This morning I am being treated to the silence... Little does she know what a welcome change it is from her usual nattering on about how I spend too much time with other people!

Here's something I have become enlightened about over the past twelve hours: the people who really care about me - parents, friends, close colleagues etc (most of whom I chose not to tell either) would be SO supportive if I told them I was seeing a health professional and finally tackling my depression. They would be concerned for my wellbeing and happy that I was getting help. How strange that the one person who is supposed to be my friend and partner in one not only judges me for my actions but actually seems more concerned that she was kept in the dark than she does about my illness! How small minded and selfish...

This is not the behaviour of one who loves me, is it? Yell

Kay  Posted: 20/04/2010 23:22

Hi Jean and Tom, the storm seems to be moving off.  I know when I have a memory or flashback its accompanied by anxiety/panic.  But it still aint easy.  I did my exercises mainly writting or talking about the memory and it is starting to ease the anxiety.  I had a good talk with my therapist about it too so in all its starting to move.  I know I will be ok and I know that I have to get all the repressed issues out. It still doesnt stop me from freaking now and again though. Thanks for listening and thanks for feedback.  all the best Kay.

p.s.  jean, you will be ok your getting the help you need.  Is your therapy not working as well as you would like Jean?  I know its slow, but if you dont feel comfortable with your therapist you wont talk about stuff that is really hard to talk about and remember.

jean  Posted: 20/04/2010 01:29

hi all

Things are still very anti depressant has been changed again and though i have to be patient and give it time to work i am happy about this.i was back on ssri's for the last 3 months and for me they were useless and always have been prozac,lustral seroxat never worked and i don't know why i went back on them.i have had up and down success with effexor but am now trying cymbalto which is in a similar category so here's hopeing!the therapy i have been having is just anxiety management and cbt and without the depression would be wonderful.i came home for a few days and went to re visit my gp here for a chat about things but she had left and i was given an appointment with the senior doc in the lucky day really understood mental health spent nearly an hour with me and feels because depression is so bad i should see a psycologist as i am not doing any deep therapy and i agree that this seems necessary. i am finally seeing how ncessary it is to take baby steps but am in quite a muddle. i love where i live but i have no family around,the medical support is fantastic but going through such a difficult time on my own without people that understand me is becoming next to impossible but while writing here iv'e realised that i have good medical support to chat to and their are options.

kay sorry to see you going through a bad patch but if any one can ride this out you can. i know exactly how difficult it is to use the tools that work when things are really tough but you know how effective they are even if it's just to write maybe it will get you started again. i am quite surprised at your gp in re guards the sleeping tablets of course they are addictive but you show such knowldge and intelligence towards mediction and knowing your history surely a weeks supply is necessary. not being able to sleep is the worst thing you can go through,being tired makes it so difficult to cope.i am on 20mg stillnocht so if you could survive on a quarter it doesn't make sense. maybe tom's suggestion could help. thank you again for your support and advice it really helps.

best of luck and warm wishes to all..jean

Tom  Posted: 19/04/2010 12:21

Kay, sleeping tablets as you know can be addictive but I think are necessary sometimes to keep well by getting a nights sleep.

Personally I am trying to get off sleeping tablets at the moment with some success. Seroquel at a small dose (25mg) for some people can act as a good sleeping tablet if taken about 1 hour to 11/2 hours before going to bed. So perhaps consider talking to your GP about this. Hope this helps. Try to stay positive while you ride out this storm. You can do it, you have the techniques and the strength and wisdom to know that you can come out the other side fully intact. Regards Tom

Kay  Posted: 18/04/2010 21:47

me again, just wanted to ask ye all. I am off meds now and have been for two years. I still have bad times during which I find it hard to sleep. And we all know if we dont sleep our problems spiral out of control and become huge. But anyway my gp knows my history and she knows im off meds so why is it then when I went to her in November last year and asked her for some stillnoct she looked at me like I was a junky and only gave me 8. Now These were 10mg tabs and they lasted me for over four months. So I was taking maybe a quarter of a tab to get me off to sleep. So i thought she would do the math and work out that 8 tabs over four months is a small dose. I dont take them unless I reallly feel I need sleep. I went back to her last week and asked her to prescribe me a few more and she said NO. That they are addictive. Now I know any drug is addictive but my dose was almost non existent and not consistent, so why would she not give me any? If I asked for anti-deps she would probably dance around and give me boxes with ribbons on them but when I ask for something to help me in an emergency she turns all pious and tells me how addictive they are. Im mad. help.

Kay  Posted: 18/04/2010 21:39

Hi all, not having a good time of it in past week or so. I know theres something wrong because Im having off the wall thoughts and I know what to do about it and the exercises I have been taught by my therapist but that still doesnt make it any easier.

I remember when I was about 5 trying to jump out of an upstairs window in my grannys house because I was trying to escape from her husband. I was playing and I could hear someone coming upstairs and I thought it was him, I was so scared I could hardly breathe. So to try and avoid what I knew he would do to me, I decided to jump out the window. As it turns out it wasnt him it was my granny and she grabbed the end of my dress and pulled me back in. It really upsets me that at that age I actually wanted to die because I was frightened to death. Thats the reason Im feeling off right now. Just had to get that out.

Kay  Posted: 16/04/2010 19:43

Hi Buzz, you will be ok. I remember when I started cipramil I actually felt worse for a while. I was bad when I started them then when on them for a couple of weeks I actually got worse but then it started to shift and I started to feel a teeny bit better, slowly over a period of months rather than weeks. You will be ok give it time in the meantime are you doing other stuff, like writting the nagging thoughts and fears down. Or talking to someone and just tell them whats in your head no matter what. Some of the stuff I have told my husband when my thoughts are racing are plain frightening. But he has such a level head and is so calm and grounded that he take it all in his stride. I think without him I wouldnt have come so far but he tells me I am the one doing all the work and you know what hes probably right. But nonetheless its important to have someone you can trust and who knows you really well so that when you tell them whats in your head they wont be upset or disturbed because that will only make you worse.

buzz  Posted: 16/04/2010 10:55

Not so good today, huge black cloud hanging over me.

lilmissblue  Posted: 15/04/2010 15:40

Hi all,

Got this card for my purse from a good friend who also suffers and I just thought Id share it with you all.

This is your Guardian Angel saying that even if things seem a little bit crazy where you are right now,

from up here you look pretty good.

That tangled mess that's got you worried?

It's just a dark cloud.....

and theres a rainbow on the other side.

I thought it was really nice and even though its hard to believe in the rainbow  on the bad days, it does exist cos it comes shining through when we have good days/weeks.

Thinking of you all :).

buzz  Posted: 15/04/2010 11:32

Hi Kay thanks for that it's good to hear some positive feedback! :)

Kay  Posted: 14/04/2010 22:41

Hi guys. buzz I took cipramil and can say for sure they are good. They were one of the anti-deps that I took which didnt have huge side effects, but they do unfortunately take 3-4 weeks to work. Keep on with them they will help you.

Jean, you are in therapy now and it will help you without a shadow of a doubt. But, you will go through a period of time when you will feel worse,Its like unleashing the beast that is anxiety inside of you. After being in therapy for 18 months, I thought "great, Im handling this really well". But then a dark cloud came over me and I was sorry I started the whole thing. I cryed for a long time months and months, i was sad, depressed. I thought why am I depressed now, the anxiety has subsided. I could see no good in the world. I really didnt see any point in life if all it was this misery. But Jean, it does pass, the cloud will move away. Please believe me, this will pass. Your whole life will not be like this. You are doing all the right things to get well and Tom is right baby steps are very important. Write Jean, go for walks. If anybody is feeling agitated its because of nervous energy, and the best way to stop the agitation is to burn it off so walk or kick the sofa or use a punch bag.

For those of us in therapy we know it a slow road, and mainly about digging up buried issues but also about re -building lives so for that to happen we have to be stripped bare and start all over again. Tough but so so worth it.

buzz  Posted: 14/04/2010 11:32


Nothing so far, not a peep, but then she did say it would be like taking smarties for about three weeks. Apparently they need time to build up in your system before an effect is noticed. I have had one or two side effects such as sleepiness and also this really weird urge to yawn constantly and grind my jaw. Bizzare! Still, I want to get better so am persevering!

Regards to all

Tom  Posted: 14/04/2010 10:49

Jean, I hope others agree,I think baby steps is the best way for you presently, if you build a little momentum baby steps can get bigger and easier to do, for instance getting out of bed is a real achievement. Good luck later on in the week. Tom 

jean  Posted: 13/04/2010 16:55

Thanks tough at the moment but i am thankfully out of the bed. your advice helped and made sense. i got an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist for the end of the week which is good.

what i find difficult is the constant change in depression meds as they take so long to kick in and i am finding the months slipping away again. how have people learned to take it day by day,i try but find it impossible to stop thinking about things that are coming up in the next couple of months and how i will miss them like i did the last couple of years! i really wish i could just live in the moment and accept that i am finally getting the right help and although it has taken years with time i am going to get there. everything is so negative right now and i remember the couple of years when i was depression free and being depression free meant i was able to use support and help to cope with my anxiety and panic attacks. during that time if i had a panic attack i bounced back now i just fall further.

best of luck fingers are tightly crossed for you.

cazza..i hope you got some help from this site. hearing from people like tom and kay who suffer too but are so positive and supportive is the one thing that keeps me hoping that life can get better..thank you both so much.

my dream today is to get my life's funny but when i am well i am quite a sociable person..i really feel as if i am 2 different people and i hate the one sitting here today but deep down i really like the other me so i hope dreams can come true! jean

obviouslyrosie  Posted: 13/04/2010 00:06

Hi Buzz,

let us know how you get on.

lilmissblue  Posted: 12/04/2010 20:42

Hi all hope everyone had a nice easter.

I get so much help from everyones postings. This is a horrible part of our lives and its great to have this outlet. It just really helps to know that there are other sufferers out there we're really not alone.

Thinking of you all:).

Tom  Posted: 12/04/2010 20:32

Well done Buzz, I hope it works for you. Kind regards Tom

buzz  Posted: 12/04/2010 16:01

Have started on Cipramil today. Hope this works.

Tom  Posted: 12/04/2010 12:13

Hi all, To Cazza I can relate to all you have said because I have been there as well with anxiety and depression. Kay and Jean have given you what I think is good advice so I will not repeat what they have said. However I will add the following.

In my opinion if you are on alot of medication (as I have been) and it is not benefiting you it is time to look at that issue seriously. I am not suggesting you just stop, indeed that could cause you an awful lot of new problems.

However I am suggesting that you think about a change of doctor and therapist. Kay from reading her postings has been very fortunate with her doctor and therapist, I have not always been and so I know that a change can literally work wonders but it is a very daunting thing to think about when you are in the position that you currently are.

In my view you need some support to try to get a bit more out of life and definitely baby steps is the way to go. Working out what supports you best is your big challenge. Choose various options. Try to think a little ahead and say to yourself that you are going to take this demon on and start to slay the dragon if you like bit by bit. Looking at another doctor or perhaps some form of alternative therapy could be a big step in slaying this dragon.

I think for you at the moment it is is important not to set goals too high for example Dont even try to imagine a depressive and anxiety free state, because that is to big to conquer at one go or in the short term

In any event most people have anxiety to a greater or lesser degree in their lives. It is controlling this anxiety that is the big issue for us anxiety sufferers and I have found various techniques assist me and I am always on the look out for a new one to add to my chest of anxiety helpers.

Keep writing to this site, we are all in this together and try to empower yourself just a little bit at a time

Jean I have been there as regards the bed it is your body's way of throwing in the towel. It needs a definite program to remedy. Try to get up an hour earlier each day so for example if you are currently getting up at six in the evening try to get up and stay up at 5pm tomorrow. Continue with the hour earlier each day (two if you can manage it) until you are back to something like 8-9 in the morning. Stay up when you get up.

Leave dealing with anything else until you get your body clock back to something that resembles a normal cycle. This will probably take a week or so. I have found that when my body clock is in a normal cycle it is some what easier to start to tackle the host of other issues that are around

Hi Kay and everyone else on the website Kind regards Tom

Kay  Posted: 11/04/2010 17:05

Hi Cazza, Ive been where you are right now. On loads of meds, head in a state of anxiety all the time and not knowing what to do next of if there was an end to this misery. I honestly thought well, if this is what life has to offer me then I really dont like life. I found life too hard and almost unbearable at times, not helped by family members(the inlaws) asking questions and being less that tactful in their opinions on my "condition". But, I have come to terms with the fact that I probably always will be anxious about certain things and most of all I know that my anxiety is always without fail, caused by something.

Anxiety/depression go hand in hand usually, but not always. Cazza, I feel like I am always preaching but really you will be ok if you get help, the right help. How long have you been going to a psychologist? And are you having any improvements at all? I know its very important to work with a professional that you trust completely. I am in psychotherapy which has elements of c.b.t. and a lot of other elements too. I was very lucky I got referred to my therapist because I know she is helping me get my life back. Its not and hasnt been easy at all, in fact its been the hardest thing I ever had to do. But, it has certainly given me hope and skills that will remain with me forever that will help me to cope with life in general. You will be ok Cazza. Kay.

jean  Posted: 09/04/2010 23:43

Hi cazza

this is a wondeful site and i have found it fantastic to hear from other people who also suffer from the horrendous symptoms you describe. the agitation is something i can greatly relate too. i get so agitated and worked up it becomes unbearable. i find that walking really helps,if i can get outside and go for a long walk this greatly releases the agitation so if you can walk keep doing so as i know for me when i do,the physical walking stops the agitation even just for a short while and when i can release the agitation it can help me to feel more relaxed and deal with the anxiety. i also have one of those blow up punch bags that you can kick and punch and throw around this also helps the agitation. i would love to be able to do yoga or meditation but like you i am unable too at the moment as my brain won't relax but i have been told with time and contiued work with my therapist it will come and in the mean time physical exercise is the best help. i hope other people can give you helpful advice as i am going through a particularly bad time at the moment and the people on this site have really helped.good are trying to beat this ..well done.

At the moment things are real bad. no matter how hard i try (and my anxiety management is fantastic i wish i had gotten this help a couple of years ago) i still miss everything i would like to attend and the depression becomes unbearable. i am tired all the time,cry for hours every day,my appetite goes up and down and the suicidal thoughts are getting worse. seems to me the depression is worse than the anxiety but this is harder to get help for. any advice would be great as at the moment i can't carry on and have spent the last few days just lying on my bed staring into space not eating just crying. when i talk to my doctor they concentrate so much on the anxiety which had always been my biggest problem but am now so depressed i am too sad,upset and tired to use my anxiety techniques. i hope i can get better help for the depression soon as i feel with work the anxiety can be beaten but i hate life soo much which i don't like as i know that life can be good,never easy for anyone but i wish i could fight my problems and enjoy the good times. at the moment that seems impossible.

Hope people had a nice easter,jean.

Cazza  Posted: 08/04/2010 21:39

Hi all, I am new on here. A friend of mine told me about this site and said I might get some help here. I suffer from depression which I managed to get under control. However as soon as the depression was at bay I started to suffer from anxiety. This is actually causing me to become depressed again and even suicidal. The anxiety is unreal. I become agitated. My mouth becomes dry. I have a path wore to the bathroom and I feel like I am going to combust. I get terrible shakes in my hand and tremors in my legs. I feel like the anxiety is killing me. I cried and cried this evening because I have become so frustrated. I attend a pyschologist once a week for CBT and last week I was put on lyrica, a mild dosage to start off with. I take xanax but am afraid to take too many of them in case I become addicted to them. I can't do meditation or yoga, that makes me really agitated. I do walk but I don't know what else to do. I also take two anti depressants and lithium. If ye could help me out I really would appreciate it. I am at my wits end.


Tom  Posted: 06/04/2010 11:51

Hi All, Buzz my sympathy to you regarding your college place, it is indeed a blow to you particularly when you are already going through a difficult time. However it is not for life, opportunities come out of the most unusual circumstances and at the least expected time. In the meanwhile try to stay positive. Hope everyone else is doing ok Regards Tom

buzz  Posted: 06/04/2010 10:06

What a horrible day. Just found out that I didnt get my place in college so am basically stuck in a dead end job for the rest of my life. There is no way out now!

lilmissblue  Posted: 01/04/2010 12:35

Hi all,

Just logged on to see how everyone is doing and to wish you all a nice Easter.

Off on holidays from work for two weeks and since Monday I have the nervousness back and feel Im all over the place. It takes ages to get to sleep but at least I do get some sleep. The thoughts of going back to work (even though I enjoy work and have nothing to fear) has me all anxious and uptight.

I havent said it to anyone, I am just trying to work my way through it but I seem to be obsessively thinking if its on my mind and my symptoms start. So just before logging on I took one of my meds to hopefully take the edge off and just relax my mind for a while and then hopefully it will pull me through, at least I hope so!

Ive always suffered with this at some points, but it never affected me as much before. The only thing I can think of is that I got my tooth out in December and i really think it made me worse as Ive had numereous attacks since Christmas over stupid things even the snow made me miserable and anxious.

Love to you all.

Tom  Posted: 31/03/2010 11:50

Hi All Hope everyone is doing ok. To Jean great to see that the positivity in your message. This anxiety is a demon and needs lots of positivity to keep it at bay. Myself I am having a good spell of it at the moment and the world is a better place when the anxiety is not running at full steam.

Have a nice Easter everyone Kind regards Tom  

jean  Posted: 30/03/2010 11:30

Hi All

hope people are doing ok. it's been a tough week but today i woke up and actually felt like i could face the day and even possibly the people in it and it's a really good feeling! scared thanks for the support,i am finding the therapy very helpful which is a huge relief after spending years searching for something that helped. i am doing talk therapy combined with cbt and other anxiety management techniques. i have found telling myself it's only panic can not harm you in any way has helped me through some of the attacks.

my self esteem is at rock bottom which really affects me and makes me hide away and not do things. i found the following in a book and read it to myself every morning or any time i am at home feeling unattractive,useless,stupid etc..Enjoy spending time with the people you care about and doing the things you love.Relax and have a good time-and avoid putting your life on hold....for me 1 of the reasons i was stopping doing things was because i had put weight on in the last year and this was making me very self concious and as a result i was putting my life on hold so i am trying not to put it on hold for that reason any's too short and anxiety takes enough of it away!

writing has been so helpful.

Take care all..jean

Scared  Posted: 23/03/2010 20:27

Jean - well done! I bet you feel empowered. Always remember, the panic can not do you any physical harm. It is just a very unpleasant feeling / sensation which will pass. More than likley, the people around you dont even notice if you are panicing. Distraction is very powerful also. You are not alone and have taken the biggest step on the road to recovery. Keep in touch.

jean  Posted: 23/03/2010 16:31

Thanks kay

I bought a couple of journals today and just did some writing. It really cleared my brain,it's as if the thoughts that go round non stop have gotten out. I was able to go and buy the journals without any worry,was as if because i knew that this was something i was doing to help myself made me forget to worry about people! I have a long way to go but having support has been the greatest help.

take care jeanSmile

jean  Posted: 22/03/2010 23:42


Thank u so much for the encouragement and wonderful explanations. Yea it has been explained to me about the resistance, makes sense. I guess that's where the hypnotherapy can really help because it deals with the subconcious mind. our subconcious is so powerful! I have great support now and managed to take my dog out for a long walk today which was good. on the way back i needed credit for my phone 2 things helped me get it dog is only a little puppy so i was able to take her with me and 2. i kept saying to myself it's only panic it can not harm you in any way,this calmed my breathing and though it was only something very small i managed to do it and it made me feel good. which led me to being able to have a friend in for a cup of tea and i even laughed properlyLaughing so today was half a good day and half a good day is better than a bad one!

To anyone who is suffering..try and open up here,on saturday i really believed i couldn't go on and although i will admit it was hell look at me today half a good day!!

Kay  Posted: 22/03/2010 20:10

Hi Jean, well done on making it to therapy. This is the first step towards a better life for yourself. Writting is fabulous, I have dozens of big A4 journals that I have written in the last couple of years. Write down whatever is in your head, even if its scarey or doesnt make sense, this will help empty your brain of constant chatter. I have written down some pretty weird stuff, Jean, it could be completely off the wall, maybe not even sentences just words but it works. Nobody else will see your writtings this is just for you. You will be ok Jean, it will take time and effort but you are already on the road to getting over this. You are never ever alone we are all at some stage of recovery so know that you can talk here anytime. All the best my friend, this is just a stage and no matter how bad it feels it will pass, nothing stays the same forever. Kay.

The Dez  Posted: 22/03/2010 11:49

Hi Jean,

Good work on the therapy. Its not easy starting it and you did well by pushing yourself and going to therapy even after you had the panic attack. I'm sure the therapist explained the whole area of "resistance". This can happen when there is something there that your subconscious mind doesnt want to deal with and it will therefore try to come up with any reason why you shouldnt go to your therapist because it knows it will have to deal with it when it gets there.

By pushing yourself through it you have proven to yourself that you are stronger than this emotion inside that controls you. The stronger that gets, the more you can control you rather than this old emotion. Keep up the good work. writing is brilliant. Sometimes its really good to just sit down with pen and paper and just write what comes into your head. It helps you to find and make sense of the real underlying issue(s). We are all here for you so never give up!!

Hi Kay. Hope all is well with you. You sound like you have a great understanding of the anxiety now and are making progress, keep it up.

To everyone else, keep in touch and remember we are all here for you. Dont let things build up on you. open the "vent" from time to time we're here for ya!!


jean  Posted: 21/03/2010 23:01

Hi All

The 1st step is over. The therapist i saw this week really understands anxiety and panic and i have a very good feeling that it will really help. I am just so stuck right now! I had a massive panic attack before my appointment and nearly didn't make it. I want to get better but am so sacred which has made me feel soo depressed last couple of days. I beat the depression before but never the anxiety or panic but i almost feel worse because i had beat it and at the moment i feel i know im not going to enjoy anything. This writing seems to help,makes me see things a bit more clearly and i know people have mentioned that writing helps them so i going to try that. I get really panicked and my brain won't shut up for hours,then i can't relax and do feel crazy! afterwards i collapse into depression..does that sound familiar to people??

Thanks to everyone for the words of support,it really does help..last night i didn't think i could go on but going on here today and reading through posts gives me hope again!


obviouslyrosie  Posted: 20/03/2010 02:11

Hey Buzz.....why are you having a meltdown?

Kay  Posted: 18/03/2010 22:39

Hi Jean. Everything that happens you as a child shapes who we become. If you felt isolated and bullied, particularily by a teacher, and lonely then you will be affected by it. I grew up thinking my childhood was completely normal but with therapy, I know now this is far from truth. Just be safe Jean, and please know we are all here for you.

Dez, its so good to hear someone with the same point of view as regards to cause and affect when it comes to anxiety. You remind me very much of my therapist when I read your posts. Thanks for the information by the way. Kay

Hi Tom hope you are doing ok.

Scared  Posted: 18/03/2010 21:51

Hi guys

Jean - you will get better. Its just a matter of getting the right combination of tretament and or meds or whatever works for you. I found CBT very good for dealing with panic. Remember, panic is harmless in the physical sense. I cope by telling myself that there is nothing to be afraid of, that panic is just a feelinga and that no physical harm can come to me. I often feel waves of panic but ususalyy find that once I am in the situation I become distracted and am fine which proves that panic is just my mind playing games with me.

I have just started psychoanalysis for my anxierty so I am hoping this will help with things in the long term but I have lived to live panic free ( not anxietry free) thanks to cbt.

Anyhting is possible. I managed to conceive twins whilst going thorugh awful panic attackes and I have very complicated poor health so they are somewhat of a miracle so please take hope from this. You can do it. You can get better. Have faith. You are not alone.

Keep in contact.

The Dez  Posted: 16/03/2010 21:13

Hey Jean,

Take your time. There is no rush. One step at a time and you will get there. If you try to do everything at once or think about the big picture all the time it an fuel the anxiety but when you relax an allow things to happen then the anxiety will starve.

To all who have panic attacks, another technique to help with an episode is this. (i know this is very difficult to do but when you pluck up the courge to do it, its very effective)

Most people try to calm themselves down and "try" to relax themselves but this as you know has the opposite effect. Try to make the panic attack as bad as you can. try to make it the worst ever. ( i know what you're thinking but trust me on this) If it gets bad, ask yourself is this the best you can do? Come on try to make it worse..etc etc. Do this technique and let me know how you get on. There are lots of different techniques that can help with specific episodes but I firmly believe to eliminate it altogether you cant beat the cause and effect doctrine. Eliminate the cause and the effects disappear. Good psycho-analysis with a therapist you can trust can get you there. There is always light at the end of the tunnel.

Kay you are right, nobody is born with depression, anxiety or fear. These are learned responses as we go through life. Some people come to me and say my mother or father had depression and then my brother got it and now I think I have it. Its hereditery! Well I believe that its not hereditery at all. if your parents suffered from depression, then when you were growing up, you saw how they reacted in certain situations when they became down in themselves etc and therefore your subconscious mind picks this up as a "normal behavior". If your parents suffered with anxiety and were nervous or anxious in certain situations, then chances are, your subconscious has again picked this up as normal behavior. Its not that it is passed on throught the genes. It is that the mind has learned these repsonses while developing, from its piers.

Never give up! There is a reason why you suffer from your anxiety and if you still have it, then you havent yet found the cause. Keep on the journey, believe in yourself and you will find what you are looking for. Let me know how you get on with the above technique and ps; I know its not easy but like all bullies.....stand up to it like that and watch it back down!


jean  Posted: 16/03/2010 17:00


Thank you so much for your help and support. Tom i really like your idea about calling the anxiety a name. I read through what you said a few times and it makes a lot of sense as its not you as a person that is at fault but this silly character that is causing it,it may only help in a small way but i like it thanks. also what you said about dwelling on the past it helps to know that other people do this too and it is destructive,so far this week when i think about the past i have been telling myself that this is only making things worse and only think about what i am doing right now. I think just knowing that other people feel like this too  helps.

the is so good to hear from someone who has suffered but found help as for me when something didn't work i would feel that nothing ever would and would want to give up but i want a life more. so to hear that somebody can get better helps to keep trying things and working at it. i really do believe deep down that the anxiety and panic can be controlled i just havn't found a way yet. unfotunatley one of my greatest fears is telephoning people even friends so i have not yet managed to ring the hypnotherapy centres  but i am meeting with my nurse this week so may ask them to ring or there is an e mail address for each 1 so i could send a mail,this can help as a first step and then i find it easier to ring. i think it is fantastic that you are now helping people as having been through it you really understand.

kay..what you said about it being a dream to be able to do what others take for granted without panicking is exactly how i feel. i know i am hard on myself i just find it so frustrating that i panic even over simple little things. i find it hard to see what trauma set all this off. for some reason even though i was lucky to have the most wonderful and supportive parents i was always nervous at school as a child. then in 6th class i was bullied verbally by the teacher which led to teasing by my class mates and no friends. so this was probably the start of it! my mum was quite ill when i was a child and though she never complained and i never suffered i was an only child until i was 8 and i know used to worry a lot about her. she had an operation like i did and went on to live a perfectly healthy lifeSmile you should be so proud of your self that after what you went through you now have your own lovely family i wish you the best of luck with your son's confirmation.


Tom  Posted: 16/03/2010 15:08

Hi Buzz, Try to cut that meltdown off at the chase, you have been in difficult moments before and you came through. Mail the site if you want, we are all trying to help and support one another, you are not alone Regards to all Tom

The Dez  Posted: 16/03/2010 12:53

Hi Kay,

There are lots of different organisations out there and each one has a unique course and teaches their own way of doing things. There is counselling, CBT, NLP, Hypnotherapy, Psychotherapy, to name just a few. Have a think about which type of therapy you would like to get into. I cant speak much for other organisations only the one I am a member of. You can get details of their courses on its the ICHP and they teach analytical hypnotherapy and psychotherapy. For counselling you should get info from the iccp on Most of the courses are quite flexible. The first part of my course took most of a year and it was distance learning. You do the practicle classes in the advanced course which takes another year and I think they have added a foundation course initially too. This type of therapy worked wonders for me and that is why I decided to choose this organisation. Have a look through the info from the different sites and see which one sounds most interesting and appealing to you. I dont want to advertise anyone here so if you would like more info about the ichp you can email me and I would be happy to help you more.

Best of luck with it. its always good to see therapists who can truly empathise with their clients as they are usually the most effective.


buzz  Posted: 16/03/2010 10:45

I think I'm having a meltdown

Kay  Posted: 15/03/2010 17:44

Hi Dez, I have been trying to source the correcct course to do either counselling or therapy and quite frankly I am confused. I want to help others too, and the best way for me to do that is learning myself first. Can you give me some indication where to start, I am 42 with two young kids working three days a week so time is kind of short. I live in wexford and can drive, do you know where to find the best courses available or any advice would be great really, all the best Kay.

Kay  Posted: 15/03/2010 17:41

hi Jean, I am like you in that panic attacks have stopped me going places and doing things all my life so much so that the life I have been leading as a result is small and safe. Anything out of the ordinary like my sons confirmation coming up usually has me panicking. I have been in therapy and still am and have found it to be very beneficial but hard work. What happened in your past to create this panic in you Jean? I truely believe that we arent programmed as humans to have extreme anxiety and panic, its usually a traumatic event from our past sometimes remembered or sometimes forgotten that causes our panic. My reason is I was abused as a child and have found it very difficult to come to terms with that. I still struggle with the fact that it happened to me, especially with all the media coverage abuse in children is getting now. You are very hard on yourself Jean. You will be ok. If you get the right help you will be fine, and nothing is a quick fix so it will take patience but you keep posting here and getting out whatever mixed up stuff is in your head and it will go some way in helping you overcome this. My dream is to travel the world without panic attacks Jean, and be able to do stuff others take for granted. Keep your chin up and remember you are not alone. Kay.

The Dez  Posted: 15/03/2010 12:31

Hi Jean,

Well done on making the first steps and for opening up to the forum. I know its not easy so feel good for doing that much already. I'm glad I could help in such a small way but these things are done in small steps. Keep making them and sooner or later the small steps add up to be bigger distances on your journey. When ringing around, dont be afraid to ask questions from the therapists and be sure that you are comfortable with the answers before making your decision. Whatever therapy you take or who ever it is with I wish you the best of luck with it. The therapy is not easy but nothing in life is. Stick with it and the rewards can be beyond your expectations. I know when I suffered with panic attacks years ago I thought I would have it for life and became very down about it. I came across my therapist just by chance and it changed my life. I havent had a panic attack since I finished therapy back almost 10 years ago now. It changed my life big time, so much so that I am a therapist now and I do it for the satisfaction of helping those who are so vulnerable.

When you have so many physical symptoms its always difficult to believe a doctor when he tells you its all in your head and the problem is psychological but when you finally accept what he is telling you and start the road to recovery then life becomes more interesting.

Best Wishes to all in the forum. I love to see this forum still going because one of the hardest things with anxiety is when you believe you are alone. Its good to see that there are others and that in itself relieves some of the anxiety. I'm available to answer any questions that anyone might have directly

Tom  Posted: 15/03/2010 12:10

Hi All, To Jean try not to think too much about the past, there is nothing you can do about it and dwelling on the negative parts makes the present more difficult to cope with. Very easy for me to say , very hard for all of us me very much included to do.

In the short term as regards anxiety attacks what might help is try to accept them for what they are and ridicule them so there is really "2 people" within you. There is you and always has been you in your strongest pose possible and there is this other clown within you which you need to accept but also ridicule and call the anxiety funny names like Donald Duck etc.

That way you are accepting yourself for what you are and saying to yourself that a cartoon character (anxiety) will not bring you down. Try it and see what happens. At best only useful as a plug and a small technique to assist.

As you probably know there are numerous techniques / therapies etc and unfortunately alot of trial and error has to be undertaken before the demon anxiety can be brought under any sort of control. Keep in touch with this site, i ahve learned alot about my condition from it. Kind regards to all Tom

jean  Posted: 13/03/2010 16:07

Hi this is my first time writing on this forum even though i found it in november 2008 and when i read through a lot of the posts i thought finally other people who suffer like i do and understand and are a wonderful support to each other. I have looked through it from time to time over the last year and am not sure what stopped me from writing except fear! I am writing now because i need to fight this crippling anxiety,panic attacks and depression that has controlled so much of my life for the past 17 years. I have been to numerous psychiatrists,therapists etc.. over the last 17 years even being hospitalised twice. being hospitalised was the worst option and as a result the last year was the worst of my life. I was on numerous medications over the years also but really believe now that the correct therapy will be the most beneficial. i was unlucky to suffer severe physical pain for 12 years because i did find one fantasic doctor during that time who was using a combination of therapies and medication which really helped my mental state but i was so ill physically i had to give up. thankfully i finally found a fantastic doc for my physical health in 05 and had an operation which has left me pain free since Smile The relief of being pain free eased the anxiety and depression and i managed 2 and a half fairly good years. due to the physical pain i was off work for a long time and ended up living at home. at the start of 08 i got the oppertunity to do my dream job,got my own place which i love but within 3 months the anxiety and panic attacks were worse than ever. i struggled on praying that it was temporary and i could keep living this dream life and not go back to the hell i had been in for years but unfortunatley by trying to do it on my own i ended up breaking down completely. as a result i spent 90% of 09 back at home,not leaving the house mostly in my room. once again i ended up missing everyting which i guess had been my greatest fear as through the years i had missed so much from friends and family's 21st- their weddings..last year being the worst when i missed my brothers weddingCry

I got some support and moved back to my own house last october which is in the country almost 4 hours from home. I struggled but thanks to a fantastic gp i found there have been attending a clinic which i feel will work since jan. from the strain of the last year my immune system was shattered and i ended up on a lot of anti biotics so i am only starting therapy which will include anxiety management and possibly cbt next friday. They also changed around my medication,i had been on a lot of benzodiazepeines which obviously were of no help and my med's are being monitored every 2 weeks which i know is brilliant. my problem at the moment is i find it almost impossible to cope with the disappointment of missing things and this makes me very depressed..when i become depressed i can't eat/sleep properly sometimes self harm. The depression only comes on after the anxiety and panic has caused me to miss something. I was due to go away for a week last sunday as a friend was having a small but important party i didn't want to miss. I arranged to meet up with friends whom i felt comfortable with to travel as i thought this would help me get there. I always get terrible panic attacks when i am going somewhere but a lot of the time once i get there i am fine but after a year of doing nothing the couple of times i did go out socially recently things were still tough once i was out. I did have some great times from 06-08 when i would panic before going somewhere but once i was there felt great!! I was all ready to go but the panic got so severe on sat i was unable to. this led to deep depression which i want to fight and get to my appointment on friday and work on overcoming these horrible panic attacks. There is another party this week which i doubt i will be able to attend and i was wondering if anyone has any advice on how i can deal with this and let it go and just get to the therapy and get help??? I feel so shallow going on about parties but after missing so many things with friends i feel embarrassed and ashamed which i know is wrong.

I have written quite a lot..i just really want to get my life back and would appreciate any support. I really admire everyone who has written on this forum and is trying to fight this infliction,it takes a lot of bravery and i hope i can help support people too in time. I wanted to thank the dez for putting up the hypnotherapy website. I found hypnotherapy fantastic in the past but did not know of anywhere in my new area but i now have 4 names and numbers which i will look into on monday,thank you.


physco bitch  Posted: 12/03/2010 21:13

keep getting chest pains had ecg;blood;xray said it was anxiety as all the test was fine, got medication [fluoextine ], just cant stop panicing, help.

lilmissblue  Posted: 11/03/2010 20:55

Hi all,

So happy to see everyone is still writing and helping each other through. I missed writing here but I tried not to drop in as I have been feeling so good for the last couple of months and I was afraid that If I kept writing, my symptoms would return! But Ive just realised that I'll never be symptom free forever and I need the support for people who truly understand.

A close friend of mines mother in law passed away and I am going to the funeral tomorrow with a work friend, that was great until I was in town and thought about it and my old familiar feelings came back, the nausous feeling and unsettling tummy feeling!

I cant understand it at all, I dont know what I have to fear, I know i'll go to the funeral and be back at work in a couple of hours. I feel that I'm so comfortable with my life as I like it and any change whatsoever sets me off.

Im due to be off work for two weeks soon and I know the day before Im due to go back i'll be feeling like this all over again.

Feel like Im a lost cause, my family are great to talk to but they just dont understand when I have an episode!

I bought a book that I looked up called Self Help for your nerves and I couldnt think of opening it cause my symptoms came back just at the sheer thought of it.

Have some mild meds which the doctor perscribed for me in December and I only take one it I really need it, Ive only taken 3 since then.

Thinking of you all,


Kay  Posted: 11/03/2010 19:37

Hi Tom, good to hear from you.

Scared, therapy is expensive but dont look at it as money wasted, its not, if you throw yourself into therapy and be prepared to do some hard work then its an investment. I am in therapy almost three years now. Its costing me €60 each session which is pretty much weekly. I know you can claim it back against your tax on a med 1 form. You will probably get 20% of it back which is better than nothing. But look, its not easy and you will have to talk about stuff which is painful and emotionally draining, but please trust me when I say that if you stick with it then you will see things in a whole new perspective. Also, I know I have been in therapy for a while now but I had a whole can of worms to deal with and once opened I couldnt turn back. Dont start therapy thinking how long is this going to take think of it as a way of life or a way back to the life you want. Expect things to be turned upside down and just go with the flow if you feel like crying then cry, if you feel angry then let it out. I am here if you need to ask any questions or want someone to lean on. I wish you all the best and you will heal and you will be ok. just be patient,Kay.

Scared  Posted: 11/03/2010 18:50

Tom thank you so much. Your view comes as somewhat of a relief to me as I was worried that psychoanalysis might have been the wrong approach. Sure I will give it a whirl and see where it leads me too. How are you doing at the moment?

Tom  Posted: 11/03/2010 16:15

Hi Guys hope you are all well

To Scared It is good that you are doing the physical health tests. My view for what it is worth is that you should do whatever you feel is helping you so if CBT is not helping you now then forget about it. 

Speaking from experience I have found it doubly disheartening to be undertaking some process for this anxiety demon and getting no positive results despite effort on my part. Everybody is different and indeed I think are different at various life stages.

However I think this anxiety demon can potentially be very destructive and overwhelming so I think it needs to be constantly kept in check with new ideas, action, reflection etc. So perhaps psychoanalyis might be of assistance to you at the moment. Give it a try and see what you think, I appreciate the cost is very high. Kays most recent note is very striking and well worth reflecting on

Hi Kay, nice to hear from you, I am having a reasonable time of it at the moment, hope that same can continue for a while. I hope you yourself are keeping well.

Hi Leggylouie personally I have found small steps to be most beneficial. You have been through alot perhaps more than you realise. Try to be positive in these difficult times. I have found this site to be immensely  beneficial. One thing that might help is to read through the mails for the last year, some very interesting and thought provoking material has been put on the website, something might appeal to you personally. You will also see that this anxiety demon is very common and alot of people, me very much included, get severe attacks from it causing alot of disruption to our lives.

All the best to everyone  Kind regards Tom

Scared  Posted: 10/03/2010 21:11

Hi Guys

Thanks for your help to date. So I am doing both things in tandem. I am getting all the heart tests done to reassure me and I have had my GP refer to to a professional to help with the anxiety. He has referred me to a psychoanalyist. I spoke with her yesterday and her appoacah is to go back thourgh childhood to find the cause as opposed to treating the symptom ie " the anxierty". I have to admit I have some reservations about this. She claims that once the cause is identitifed things ususally sort themselves out. She is not recommending cognitive therpay as she says this only treats the symptoms. She charges €85 per session and does not know how many sessions I need. This is not covered by my health insurance.

What are yuor views on this type of approach? I have done CBT in the past and it does not seem to be helping me this time.

Thanks for all your help and support so far.

Kay  Posted: 09/03/2010 21:18

hi all. I was having problems with logging on here lately but seems to be ok now. Anyway welcome to new people and a big hi to my pals here especially Tom. I hope you are keeping ok Tom. To anyone who is having panic attacks, there is always without question a reason. It could be known to you or not but there is always a reason. We dont enter this world with depression and anxiety, its caused by trauma emotionally or physical somewhere from our past. I do know that some people are more prone to anxiety and depression and thats down to our personalities. But with the right help and some hard work by ourselves it can be totally manageable. I would still rather have my life free of anxiety and panic but then maybe I would have to bear something much worse. all the best Kay.

leggylouie  Posted: 04/03/2010 22:38

Hi i'm lou and i'm new to this. im twenty eight and have recently myself got out of a bad realationship caused by my alcholic boyfriend of nine yrs. i too suffer with bad panic attacks,but it goes back way b4 i met my boyfriend.i suffer when im on my own,i cant drive my car far in fear of having an attack??? i know ppl say its in the head but i dont know how to control them.most times i bring them on myself bcos i think about having one.i have never gone to the doc bcos i feel she will just put me on tablets and i dont like to take any kind of tablets.what can i do to help me tru this problem.its a very big fear for me i wud just like to be normal to be

Scared  Posted: 02/03/2010 12:18

Wow, thank you all for your help. I feel much better knowing that given all that I have been through in the last two years, that it is normal to feel the way I do. That alone is a weight off my shoulders.

So I have made an appointment with my gp. My husband is going to come with me and he is not going to let me leave the room without being 100% sure that this is not a heart issue or without the necessary tests to prove this in train. I have tried this approach with my gp before but because I had a few other medical issues at the same visit I didn’t feel like I could hammer this one home. If we are not happy with his opinion then we can go to another gp for a second opinion I am also going to talk with him about the anxiety and get him to refer me to the best person he has.

I feel sad that I haven’t managed to cope with this myself but relived that I am finally doing something about it.

Thank you all once again. You are an inspiration. I will keep you posted.


The Dez  Posted: 01/03/2010 14:17

Hi AM,

  I see where you are coming form on this issue you are experiencing. I know its of little consolation for you right now but this is quite common both the anxiety after giving birth and an inability to believe a doctor about something physiological being in fact psychological. I am a Hypnotherapist & Psychotherapist and in this kind of situation I would always advise my clients to seek a second opinion to satisfy both them and me that the problem is in fact psychological. The human mind is quite complex and can produce any symptom it wishes which understandably can be frightening. I have seen probably four people this year with a similar case of anxiety after labour and a link to high blood pressure. All of these things are symptomatic of the actual problem. I know you say that before the pregnancy that everything was ok and this only came about afterwards. This is the triggering event but the root cause of the problem most likely goes much further back.

  I know anxiety is very scary and i understand that when a health professional tells you its just in your mind, the tendancy is to disbelieve them. I suffered from anxiety in different forms before I became a therapist so I can see both sides and understand them. I havent had a panic attack or anxiety attack since my therapy in 2001. My advice to you is, seek a second opinion and put one part of your mind at rest by being assured there is nothing physically wrong. Then go see another therapist. There are so many different forms of therapy out there for anxiety and not one particular therapy is the right one. Different things work for different people and what works for one doesnt always work for the other. My profession is Hypno Analytical Psychotherapy which is basically Hypnotherapy but on a very in depth analytical form. It worked for me and I use it daily helping others now. It may very well work for you. I wont recommend any individual but i can refer you to the professional association that i am a member of. There are Hypnotists and there are Hypnotherapists. be sure you are using a professional by going to the professional association

  This is only my opinion and I wont say do one or the other. Ring around and be comfortable with the therapist that you use and the type of therapy that you use. You can ask me any questions you want and I would be happy to answer them if I can. One way or the other there is help out there seek it and get sorted. There is light at the end of that dreary tunnel.

Best Wishes with it


obviouslyrosie  Posted: 27/02/2010 21:02

Dear Buzz.

I know i may not be up to speed on this discussion but it caught my eye that you were/are in an abusive relationship with your partner as he is an alcoholic. i am a recovering alcoholic, I didn't realise I was for years. Anyway, I also noticed a comment you made about abusing a barperson for some reason. Now do you think maby you have a problem with alcohol? Please do not take this as an insult. I got drunk an odd time but mostly I just drank an odd glass of wine with dinner or a can or two, nothing harmful I thought. The fact is however that the drink did change me and brought my anxiety to a head, since september last year I have been off the drink, not one drink here or there and I felt my own brain come back to me. I started to think again and feel strong. I can make descissions better and stand up for myself. Maby you should try giving up the drink for a week just to see. You may also find your partner will not want you to give it up as he may be an enabler. Some people can handle drink and some can't. Your episode in the bar where you got thrown out would make me think, would i have acted like that if I didn't have a drink? Now don't get me wrong i still suffer from anxt and depression but it is not exasperated by drink.

Michael  Posted: 27/02/2010 19:37


Hello AM.

I do monitor this site regularly to see what is posted. Normally I would not respond to a post on this site as it seems to be used by a select few to encourage each other which should be admire, but in your case you seem to want some advice quickly. Firstly I am like you a fellow sufferer who has being well for some years now. I have no professional qualifications for this kind of advice. But for what it’s worth, here is my advice. Let’s deal with the facts as you have out lined them.

1.You say that as a teen you suffered with panic attacks only for you to make a good recovery.

2. You also describe in much detail all that you have had to endure over the last months, and years, whatever.

3. You also say that three GP, s all told you that you were not at risk of heart disease.

4. You also state that you could not manage without your husband. You also ask the question about seeking another opinion on the issue of your heart first, and if it proves native to then pursue a treatment for anxiety.

First by all means seek another opinion, but at what stage will you believe that doctor if he or she tells you its anxiety and nothing more. You had anxiety before and you now have something to use as a reference to your new anxiety. Is the anxiety symptoms the same, are your sensations the same, were your fears the same as when you suffered before. Are you fears always around you having a heart attack? No person who suffers with panic attacks has ever had a heart attack as a result of their panic attack. There are thousands out there who have suffered hundreds of panic attacks and are in no danger, or have they resulted in a heart attack to those persons. It will be vital for your recovery for you to believe this even if it means you spend more money to be reassured by another doctor. You describe all you went through very well and it goes without saying that you have being exposed to a prolonged length of stress. I believe most people who had experienced what you have, would in some way show signs of that stress in their lives. But you who have had anxiety before are even more vulnerable to prolonged stress. There is no reason why you can’t treat both problems at the same time. You need to reduce your anxiety and stress levels, you could do relaxation, some light exercise, anything to bring your stress level down. You also need reassurance about your heart, because if you believed your heart was fine, then bringing your stress level down would be much easier. You are in control of your health, so do whatever it takes to get that reassurance, because only then will you be able to bring your anxiety level down, because if not every cramp, pain or discomfort will be to you a sign of a pending heart attack. When you are well again you will learn that you yourself can cope with life ok. In the mean time be grateful for that husband, and for his support. I really hope you do what you all ready know you have to do just , to be fully convinced of your hearts wellbeing. Hope you get better soon. Lots of good wishes to you and family.


happymum  Posted: 27/02/2010 16:34

Hello am. Sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time. Just wanted to offer a bit of support. When I had my first baby, my life was turned upside down. I couldn't relax and had that "adrenaline in the tummy" feeling all the time. A couple of close friends of mine have been through IVF and I can totally understand the huge amount of stress and worry that comes with that. Put that together with everything else that has been going on and the fact that you are now caring for 2 littles ones and it's really no wonder you are feeling anxious. I know alot of people who become parents start thinking about their own mortality. I think it's because we are suddenly responsible for these little lives and that can be overwhelming. Also, because you went through so much to have them deep down you might feel that it's "too good to be true" and that something bad has to happen because you got what you so desperately wanted. I have often felt like that in the past. Lately, I have come to thinking that everything happens for a reason, the good and the bad. Those babies were given to you because you are the perfect mum for them. I have been for counselling in the past, which I found very helpful. If it was me, I would probably look at the pschological side of things now. It is very common for stress to manifest itself in a physical way. Chest pain is often related to stress and anxiety. All that time you were in hospital, you would have been checked regularly for heart problems. I wish you the best of luck. Remember that having a baby has a huge impact on a woman's psychological well being. The good news is that with the right treatment and support, things can and will get better. x

Tom  Posted: 27/02/2010 15:40

Hi AM, read your story, you certainly have been through a lot possibly more than you realise. I personally think second opinions are very useful and within reason well worth the time and money spent. Also if you are not happy for what ever reason with the existing advice etc, then it probably will be of minimum value to you to receive more of the same. Hope my friends on this site are keeping well. Regards to all Tom

AM  Posted: 26/02/2010 19:32

Hello all

I am new to this group having been a very active member of the ivf discusssion. I now have two little  miracles of 15 months old. My stoy is a long one but I will try to summarise and am really hoping you guys can steer me in the right direction.

I suffered with panic attacks as a teenager and got rid of them after psychotherapy. They did not rasie theri heads again until I was in the midst of my ivf treatment. I have poor physical health ( even longer story) and we had majot compliactions wth the ivf resulting in several hospitialisation etc. I also nearly lost my marriage and my career over it. I ended up pregangt with twins and spent the last 6 weeks of the pregnancy in the hospital. Everything became very mediclaised. I developed very high blood pressure and  as a result of previous surgery the delivery was also risky and complex. Despite all that we have been blessed with two perfect miracles but I am finding it so hard to enjoy them as I am so anxious all the time. I think it stems from all I went through to get here. My anxiery at the mmenetis all related to a fear of   something terrible happening to me. iam not afriad of the panic but am living in fear of having a heart attack/ stroke or some other terrible thing.

When I came home form the hsopital I was very panicky as my blood pressure was still very high and I was afriad I was going to have a stroke while looking after these two tiny babies. Then both babies got very ill for a period and i was beside myslef with worry and anxiery. We got over that.  Then I had to have an operation as  they discovered there was something in my uterus which was causing pain so I had retailed palcenta removed. Shortly after that I discoverd a breast lumpot ( v strong fmaily history) and luckily that turned out to be fine too. In the midst of all this I discovered I had a sister I knew nothing about! I also suffer with crohns disease which has not been great. I had two moles removed and am booked in to have a few more removed.Also, they have discovered that i have a cyst on my ovary so i am being referred to a gynae. So I have been through a huge amount over the last two years.

The reason i am telling you all this is not to seek sympathy but simply to explain to you what has happened. I wasnt  panicky at all before I had the babies other than when I was going thorugh the ivf. So thats why I thinkI am where I am now.

Anyhow, I was having chest pain last summer and headed down to the doc. They said it  was muscular and not to worry.  A few motnhs later and I was still epxerincing it, only on the left  hand side so i went back to the gp. He sent me for an xray and said its very very unlikely to be heart related and is muscular and told me to stop worrying about myself. Why I dont beleive him I just dont know. I suppose its beacuse its always on the left hand side and has been going on for so long. I live in fear of something terrible happening to me which I find so difficult with the babies. It makes me so sad that I am not relsihing every second with them. I went back to my pscyhotherapist twice but it didint really help/. She wanted to get to the bottom of my fear of death which I am working on but it just does not help me at all on a daily basis.

Of coures every time I feel these pains in my lefty chest I get very  panicly which adds to the feeling that I am going to get a heary attack. Three gps ( one is a friend) have now explained to me that I dont have any rosk factors for heart disease. i am obsessed with my blood  pressure and of course when i am anxious the readings are sky high and then i think oh i do have a risk factor. They put me on a 24 hour blood pressure monitor about 6 months ago and the result was fine.

Last night my husband was out ans I had a lot of these stabbing chets pains on my left saide. i took my b.p and of course it was up and the more I took it the higher i got. I was in a complete panic and had to take a zanax so i could get some precious sleep ( a rare comoditty witt twins!).

I  just want to get on with things now and enjoy my miracles but I am living in constant fear of something awful happening. Every ache I feel makes me so anxious in case somthing is to happen. i would not be able to cope without my husband. What if something were to happen to him? I wont got to any isolatedplaces beacuse there is no medical facility nearby.

So  please help me. I dont want to live my life in fear of death. It makes no sense. Sure at the end of the day we are all going to die but why am I so scared.

So they way I see it is:

A: Do I go for another opinion on the chest pain and get an ecg stress test and if that comes back clear and I still feel anxious then seek help for the anxiety or

B: do I go for help for the anxiety first. Perhaps if it wasnt the chets pain it woud be somehting else....

If i do go for help for the anxiety can anyone recommend a really good person to go to. I  live in South County Dublin. I am not that happy with the result from the last psychotherapist as I have been to her twice and have no real joy.

Thanks for reading this. I look forward to your repsonse.

Michael  Posted: 20/02/2010 17:16

Hi to everyone on this forum. Could I take this opportunity to inform anybody who might be interested that I run an ‘’Anxiety and Panic Attack Support Group’’ here in Bray. We meet every Wednesday night in Ballywaltrim Community Centre on the Boghall Road opposite Centre shopping centre. Our meeting starts at 7.30 to 9.30.

I started it last September 2009 after attending a similar group which used to meet in Shankill, but due to funding are no longer meeting. I also wanted to tweak some of the things I seen and heard. We had a small group of about twelve meet regular last year. Some of those people came back this year and they have improved vastly, not my words but theirs. This is what we try to do. We inform group members by the use of video and handouts what is happening in our bodies when we experience our awful symptoms, covering what triggers these attacks, explaining that thou our sensations are distressing that they are not harmful. Over the course the members come to know that that the old approach of fighting these attacks does not work, so we engage on a change of attitude to our problem. We teach acceptance and a patient disposition as our anxiety levels drop and as we lose our fear of the sensations, strange thoughts, and dread of attacks. This of course does not happen overnight. But those who work at recovery and implement all that we teach make great progress. I am often asked why I do what I do, it’s because it works. There is no charge for this course. Please flee free to let me know what you think. Our website address is


This site came about as a result of people contacting me about our group, yet because of they own ill health, there were not able to come to our meeting. I put information together to inform people like them. We use all the information on this site in our group meetings. Nothing beats the support of fellow suffers. It amazing to see people who considered themselves different, adjust to a view of normality as others share their experience. I’m not trying to plug our group but rather to inform you what’s available to anyone who wanted to try it. Anyway that’s all. Please don’t settle for a life deprived of joy and potential, instead grasp life with both hands and make a difference.

buzz  Posted: 11/02/2010 10:37


Im not sure. I know almost everyome thinks that its a really batty attitude. I used to love them, long summer evenings etc but now I just cant stand them. Maybe because theres a lot more drinking that goes on in summer (I am in a relationship with a chronic alcoholic so I am afraid I have a rather distorted view of alcohol) whereas in the winter its more about lighting the fire, having a nice dinner and curling up on the sofa for the evening.

The Dez  Posted: 11/02/2010 09:40

Hey Buzz,

What is it about the long evenings that you hate? Most people love this time of year getting a stretch in the evenings? Where is your anxiety from this time of year coming from?

buzz  Posted: 10/02/2010 15:46

Its nearly four and its not even near dark yet, am starting to really panic I HATE this time of year, long evenings, brighter for longer it's really unsettling.

Tom  Posted: 09/02/2010 12:11

Hi Kay, Good to hear that you are dealing well with your mum, not easy and you deserve great praise. My mum is now in a nursing home, but the situation between her and me has not really changed. My partner has recently suffered the bereavement of her stepfather and she is in bed quite alot. Quite a bit going on in her family as her mother is suffering from dementia and needs 24/7 care.

I find it hard to motivate myself through all this and welcome this site to at least write it down on paper. Bills costs etc come streaming through the door and income keeps reducing. Probably the same as lots and lots of people. Do very much realise that lots and lots of people are currently in a far worse situation than us. As a country I think we have become very unhappy and this rubs off everywhere.

On a positive note I do feel physically better the daily vomiting and crippling anxiety fits has stopped at least for the moment, attribute this to the homeopath remedy and trying to get some exercise each day.

Look after yourself Kay and also to everyone else on this site. All the best Tom

Kay  Posted: 08/02/2010 18:30

Hi Tom, thankyou for your advice. I know it makes sense. Has your situation with your mom changed at all?

Kay  Posted: 07/02/2010 21:34

hi Dez, thanks for post. I saw my mam the other day and we were quite amicable towards eachother. I think if we reach a point where we can talk without her putting too much on my shoulders then that would be great. She seems to have backed off a bit on the emotional blackmail thing but shes done that before too and then gone full throttle ahead into it again. My mam does need professional help and has done for all her life. She was adopted at 3 months old and raised in a house with a paedophile. I know he abused me from the age of 4 so in my mind he probably did the same to her when she was little. But she refuses to go there in her head and thats her choice to make but she has had years of anxiety and depression from a young age herself and I know through my own therapy, there is always a reason for anxiety and depression it might not always be abuse but there is always a reason. Anyway thanks for your post once again. all the best Kay.

Tom  Posted: 07/02/2010 13:20

Kay, take a step back and minimise contact for a while. Yes do check in on her but let the next major contact be some festive contact example mothers day, birthday or St Patricks day, things will have cooled down a bit by then and hopefully you will not be as stressed. Hi to all and well done Saskia. Alll the best Tom.

The Dez  Posted: 05/02/2010 10:03

Hi Kay,

I am not too familiar with your situation but it sounds to me like its your mother that needs some help (I know you said this yourself). What is very important is that you get to live your life too. Some people need to hear the bad stuff thrown at them, it can quite often be the poke they need to get themselves sorted. Family is important and I know you dont want to just walk away from her but it sounds like she is projecting her insecurities on to you and burdening you with her issues. In the long term this can be harmful to you not to mention how much strain it can put on your relationship with your mother. I never dispense advice on what people should do, but merely allow the person to make their own conclusions. Perhaps if burdened with her own problems, if you gave her some space, she may be likely to seek help elsewhere. She may also get to realise how much she wants, loves and needs you however if you do give her space, make sure that you are still there for her in case she needs you.

As I said you need to live your life too and at the end of the day if you carry all of your mothers problems for her and take on that burden then how will you really feel some day into the future when she is gone. Would you resent her more because you never got to live your own life??

Best Wishes with all this and whatever decision you make, it will be the right one for you. We are all here for you in the meantime.


Kay  Posted: 04/02/2010 20:43

Wow Saskia, you are brave and strong. You are ready to embark on this journey not knowing what it brings. Your determination is fabulous. That alone will take you a long way. For what its worth Saskia I am 41 and on a jouney now a couple of years. I went back in my mind and sourced the start of my panic attacks and anxiety. Its been very tough to say the least, but the benefits are huge. The sense of empowerment it gives you and knowing how strong a human being you are makes you even more determined. Look, there have been times in the last two years I could have given up and thrown in the towel but the respect I gained for myself kept me going. It will stand to you too. Know that we are all here to help you. I check here most days and will reply to you any time. all the best Kay.

By the way guys, any advice on how to deal with a toxic mother. i love her but shes too much for me. Im very stressed over the situation with her at the moment and dont know what to do next. A week ago I told her stuff i have been wanting to say for years and now we havent spoken in a week. We didnt part on particularily bad terms but I told her I needed my space but still a part of me feels responsible for her. Shes a fit 67 and lives with my dad. She needs professional help and has now for as long as I can remember. I cannt give her any more shes overdrawn on me for years. arent mothers supposed to mind the kids not the other way around? For as long as I can remember shes made me feel responsible for her. Even as a little child ages 6 or so shes threatened suicide or leaving, this on top of abuse (not by her) has been almost too much to bear at times. But I know I can do this. Im strong.

The Dez  Posted: 04/02/2010 12:09

Hi Saskia,

Glad I could help though I did nothing really. Remember that the key to solving this issue remains inside you. Find the lock and find the key, bring them both together and you will have your answers. You sound already as though you have a much greater insight into your condition which is good. Once you have accepted the anxiety for what it is you already have greater control over it. There are no instant quick fixes but stick with it and you will succeed. Anxiety is excitement thats not allowed to happen so find an outlet to release any pent up emotions whatever emotion is there. Some people find exercise works, others use relaxation techniques, painting or whatever gives you satisfaction.

Remember that when the petrol light comes on in your car, its there to warn you that you need petrol and not to take control of the car from you and bring you to the petrol station. Anxiety is there to warn you about a "perceived" danger, not to take control of your life. Anxiety breeds fear and lives off it. The mind is a funny thing and can produce any symptom that it wants but when you regain control of You, then nothing can stop you from achieving whatever you want.

Best wishes on the journey. I look forward to reading how well you are doing.


saskia  Posted: 03/02/2010 21:47

The Dez,

Your words and the connection with the mind over matter.. has set me on this personal journey.. you have opened my eyes.

Thank you.

saskia  Posted: 03/02/2010 21:43

Kay and Tom,

I have absorbed your words deeply into me. Thought about everything you have said. I want you to know that you have been an invaluable support to me.

I have accepted I suffer panic attacks. Anxiety is the medical term used for FEAR.. (symptoms akin to PTSD). Upon realizing this I am on a personal journey to source the trigger. I may have to go back a very long way, but when I think about it an awful lot of things have happened to me in the last few years that I thought I had coped with but have not. The fear is, to me, a cry for help. I have decided to use my panic attacks as an experience to find out why my physiology is crying out for a break rather than succumb to the medications.

It all became clear to me a couple of days ago. I rushed to the doctors surgery with intense headaches again. He reassured me I was in good health and made an appointment with acute assessment clinic in hospital and booked me in as an outpatient. There they did a complete check up. Took more bloods to check my liver and kidneys, blood sugar any viruses etc. Then they did several tests on my heart. I also had an x-ray.

I was very surprised when all the results came back clear as I really thought they would find something. A doctor spoke to me and explained that, it couldn't be anything organic causing the headaches as my symptoms are fleeting, any serious health condition would have me grounded much faster...and!! he asked me if I was stressed.

To be honest I hadn't realized how stressed I am until my body started to scream out.

Every word you guys have uttered has taught me more about the condition.

I am not scared anymore. I will go with the sensations when they come rather than try to halt them or mask them or flee the situation.

Time for me to get to know myself a bit better after 37 years! :)

I have learned that it is foolish to underestimate the power of the mind.. how it holds on to memories (especially traumatic events we thought were dealt with!!) and even when we are dreaming, our TV of perception and memory is constantly playing out and forever on guard. Hence we could be awakened out of deep sleep feeling anxious and fearful. This state of hyper alertness is exaggerated in times of fear and anxiety and we are more aware of every little tick in our body... we may focus on the heart, feel it beat (on average it beats 172,000 times a day) and panic. This is just one example but has taught me so much about the physiology of the brain.

I need to understand what fear I am harboring that makes my body produce so much adrenaline.

I want to source my fear and face it.

It is a journey I will share here on this invaluable site.

Thanks again everybody for your thoughts.



Kay  Posted: 03/02/2010 18:15

thanks for the support Tom. Its good to see you here regularly now. Homeopathy is great and works in many ways i hope you get on well with it. Saskia, are you ok these days

Tom  Posted: 03/02/2010 16:47

Saskia, your symptoms do sound like anxiety alright particularly given your clear blood test. I have experienced on a recurring basis alot of the same symptoms. As Kay said  you are not alone and there are various methods of help out there, however unfortunately the cost of any private care quickly mounts up.

Having commented about the cost of help I think it is good to be open to various options and not to rely solely on medication. I myself have been in a situation where I think I was overly medicated partly through passively accepting more as time went by. Medication particularly if you take alot of it simply numbs you and has serious serious side effects. I am sure there are alot of people out there that have experienced this, so I think you need  something in addition to passively accepting medication.

I think you need to consciously and not passively view this condition, try to take some control.  It is not easy and I would readily say that I struggle  to a greater or lesser extent everyday. 

Try calling the anxiety names like Donald Duck, tell it to go away, It will not but maybe you will feel a little more in control having told it assertively to do so. This takes time and is more psychological than anything else, you are trying in even a small way to get control.  

Anxiety attacks do pass if even for a few minutes. There are no quick fixes but various help over alot of time does help.  I think it is true that nobody ever died from an anxiety attack, but speaking from personal experience it is extremely distressing and that is putting it mildly. As Kay said millions around the world have been effected.

Try various options but my advice is not to go down the road of heavy  medication. I am currently trying homeopathy and I have had some potentially promising results. Nobody in my view understands  the effect of an anxiety attack except  people who have experienced same, hence the value of this site. Breathing deeply and slowly in the middle of an anxiety attack does help. I used to pace alot in the middle of an attack, this does not help, but what eases my symptoms is going for a short walk in the fresh air. I think it is good to write down thoughts either in this journal or on this site.

Kay sorry to hear about the incident with your  mother,  hopefully you will both get through the stalemate . Hello to all Tom 

Kay  Posted: 02/02/2010 18:18

Hi all, Saskia, it sounds like anxiety. But if it is, it wont kill you and you can get help. There are millions around the world in our situation. It seems almost impossible that our bodys can react this way to anxiety but I know from experience because I have had the symptoms like you for years on and off.

Medication will numb the symptoms for a while but once medication is discontinued the symptoms usually come back. Now i am totally for meds until your head is in a place that can work out whats causing you anxiety, but they arent a long term solution. Are you in a position where you can speak to a therapist or counsellor about the way you feel. I know I sound like a broken record but talking is an essential part of healing and writting in a journal or diary. I have done this system for a couple of years now and its benefits are huge, slow but huge. I know not everybody thinks the same but therapy worked for me. Hi Tom hope you are doing ok. ive been ok but had some major upset with my mother lately she phone me once again and told me she was going to kill herself. I lost it and finally told her things i wanted to for years and now its at a stalemate. anyway all the best Kay.

saskia  Posted: 29/01/2010 22:55


Thank you very much for your reply. My blood tests came back clear. I am now Propronol free yet I feel light headed and have light pain in my chest on left side. I couldn't sleep last night, could only lie on my back. On my left side impossible as I get palpitations, on my right impossible as my hand goes numb. My right hand went completely numb and scared me. It's like all my symptoms were masked while on the Propronol, now that I am off it, they are all back. Dull headache also.

I am a terrified insomniac now and my clear blood test seems like little comfort when I feel like I am dying at night.

:( does anybody else have this same problem?

Does the fact that the Propronol alleviated the symptoms while I was on it confirm I'm suffering from anxiety or should I get a second opinion?

I have lived in this body for 37 years and never felt anything like this. I feel something is terribly wrong and is 'causing' my anxiousness...

thanks everybody..

The Dez  Posted: 29/01/2010 18:56

Hi Saskia,

You have no need to feel as though you are going mad. There are so many people out there undergoing the same feelings. Anxiety is a strange thing in how it works. When these anxiety episodes occur they can be very frightening and anxiety feeds off anxiety. What generally tends to happen to most is that something triggers the anxiety attack or episode. The thing that triggered it is not necessarily the cause of it though and usually things spiral after that first attack. The person normally fears another attack which in turn gives rise to more anxiety. It can also bring about a multitude of symptoms, most of which seem scarcely possible to be brought on by your mind. It can turn into a vicious circle for most.

If you are really concered, there is no harm in asking a doctor for a second opinion but if it does turn out to be anxiety then seek out ways of effectively treating it. Medication is great to help people over a bad period but its not a long term solution. I myself am a Hypno-Psychotherapist and I work daily with people with depression and anxiety and I have effectively treated most. Have a look around and find the best treament for you but remember there are ways out there to get this sorted which will hopefully relieve some of your anxiety. You're not alone. I'd be happy to answer any questions you might have.

Best Wishes for the future


Freddie  Posted: 27/01/2010 10:20

Hi Buzz, Obviously something triggered inside of you when this incident happened, maybe due to your frustration of your current circumstance? I have acted out of character when under extreme emotional stress, and alcohol seemed to highlight it. (Not saying the same for you so please don't take offence!)Don't dwell on what happened though, forget about it and concentrate on your well being.

buzz  Posted: 25/01/2010 14:28


I think I am going mad, there is definitely something up. I got kicked out of a pub at the weekend - ME! If it wasnt so serious it would be funny. I am not the type of person to get thrown out of establishments ha ha. This girl had a bad attitude towards me and I absolutely flipped. I ended up shouting and screaming at her and I dont even remember why (though I do remember her stupid smarmy smirk alright) and I ended up being escorted to the beer garden and told to drink my pint up on my own and leave. I am sure it was a pretty picture me half twisted sitting in the corner blubbering like an idiot about how I'm not the type of person to start fights Laughing

Thing is, I dont know where that anger came from. Its like she just tapped into a part of me I didnt even know existed and unleashed this huge ball of anger. I actually woke up with clenched fists (and a sore head) this morning...

Tom  Posted: 25/01/2010 11:57

Sakia I think you should go back to your doctor and ask for tests to confirm that no heart attack or other serious physical ailment is looming. Assuming it is not a heart attack your mind will be put at ease in this respect at least.

Anxiety is a difficult condition, I and alot of people on this site suffer from it acutely. Various things assist with coping with the condition. You can return to a much better condition that you are currently in. My view is that nobody that does not suffer from anxiety can really understand what anxiety can do to a person. Hence the value of sites like this. Good luck and I hope you feel at least a little better shortly. Hello to everyone else Tom

saskia  Posted: 22/01/2010 19:59

can anybody help me? I have always been really healthy. Until lightening bolt struck me 2 weeks ago, started to feel really dizzy, light headed and had a vertigo feeling walking around town. At night I find my body taking on a life of its own, electric shock bolts, muscle twitches, ice-pick head aches, heart pain... am I going mad I wonder?

I went to the doctor as I feared I was having warnings of imminent heart attack or stroke. My grandmother died of stroke. My other grandmother wears a pacemaker. My father had a stroke last year and cancer.

My doctor reckons it is anxiety, stress but I feel it is the way my body is "acting" that is causing me to freak, not vice-versa.

I am on Propronolol for the last couple of days, headaches subdued, I still feel them now and again. Night time is a nightmare (excuse the pun), cannot fall asleep like I did normally and easily for 37 years. I also feel ice-pick pains in my right ankle and every night my heart freaks out in bed with palpitations and flutterings, and my right hand is constantly tingling, and sometimes even numb, wakes me up or keeps me awake at night.

I am so scared..

Any opinions or thoughts would most sincerely be appreciated.

I am afraid to come off the Prop. in case I get that heartattack that is looming..

Tom  Posted: 20/01/2010 15:38

Hi all, Great to see support from all on the website. Things not great for me either at the moment. Good to be able write this down, helps put it into perspective. Kind regards Tom 

Billybob  Posted: 20/01/2010 15:30

Hi Buzz, Just the normal stresses of life that have become the norm for so many of us in recent years.  Relationship worries, job worries, debt concerns.  I then look at the tragedy that occurred in Haiti and think my problems are minor when compared to the suffering of the Haitin's which makes me more depressed.  Lately I try to read as a distraction which seems to work.  Thanks

buzz  Posted: 20/01/2010 12:53

Hi Billybob what is going wrong for you at the moment? Hope things are ok with you. Regards

Billybob  Posted: 19/01/2010 15:26

Some sound advice there from Freddie.  I haven't participated in this discussion for quite some time.  Can't say life is great but coping at the moment.  Glad to see everyone still here supporting one another.  Keep it up.  It's wonderful to see.

Freddie  Posted: 19/01/2010 13:48

Hi Buzz, I kept visualising myself free, happy and independant....thats where I drew inner strength from. It is something only you can do... No one will, or has since, ever have that kind of manipulative, cruel manner of a hold over me. Maybe now I'm a bit too independant (if there is such a thing) And I'm very guarded when I meet new people (relationship-wise). You cannot and should not waste your life with this person, you know deep down it won't get better, only worse. Your family and friends will help and support you, and I'm sure they will be there for you if and when you need them. Your soul mate could be wandering around out there, waiting to meet you.... your present relationship is holding you back in so many ways, and especially so in happiness.

buzz  Posted: 19/01/2010 10:23

Hi Freddie, thank you for your kind words. Its true I generally am very strong willed and even my parents have said they cannot understand why my partner controls me to such an extent - they always had me down as someone who would bow down to nobody. I really dont know what is keeping me back, except maybe the fear of change, guilt... I dont know. I keep trying to figure out what is keeping me back so that I can focus on and try to resolve that.

Where did you get your strength from? Did you have any source that you could draw on when it was needed most?

I can see myself still being here in ten years. As it is, I have already spent five years in this situ (though to be fair for the first couple of years I was young and dindt realise I was being manipulated and controlled)

Freddie  Posted: 18/01/2010 16:57

Buzz, I empathise and sympathise with your situation, been there myself years ago. But, I left the relationship, I could'nt take the mental abuse from the nasty cruel partner I was with. You come across as such an intelligent strong person, what is holding you back??? Just imagine the relief and the inner happiness you will feel in time when this has all ended. Just pack your bags and go, tie up loose ends before-hand, and get a couple of friends to help u move out. You are so young, and have so much to look forward to, especially when you are out of this misery; you won't know yourself, honestly. There is so much more to life than that, don't tolerate it, and do not feel you have to. Do you see yourself in same situation in a year's time? Please say you don't.... Take care

buzz  Posted: 18/01/2010 15:32

Hi, weather is a little better today, nice and bright..though I will admit I freakishly prefer the long dark cold nights.

Tom  Posted: 12/01/2010 14:45

Hi all, this weather is desperate for our conditions. feel poorly today Littlemis blue it is awful the way you are feeling, the loneliness of it  all, hope you feel better today Tom  

lilmissblue  Posted: 10/01/2010 17:25

Hi all,

Hope you have all had a good christmas.

Started back to work last week and the night before, my old symptoms returned. Kept compulsively thinking about going into work and so I was up all night. Went into work (had to force myself) and got on ok. I was on edge but put on the brave side to everyone around me. Had a bit of a sleep that night and the next day it was still the same, the same anxious ache in my stomach, the vomiting etc. I took a med that night and dont think it did much. Felt ok yesterday but its back agin today! Everyday seems a struggle now, the fear of just a new day and what it has in store. I wish i never had to leave my house again. Even looking out at the snow I feel miserable.

Kay  Posted: 05/01/2010 18:54

Hi Tom, glad you had a good christmas. Homeopathic medicine is good, ive used it on and off. I wish you the best Tom. Nice to see your name coming up more on this forum.

Tom  Posted: 05/01/2010 12:45

Baz, feel very much for you and your situation. Perhaps a breakaway from the  situation would be beneficial to you. No need to make rapid long term decisions.

Nice to see us all back on the site. For me had a break at Christmas  but anxiety and stress very strong now.Going to make an appointment with a homeopath. Happy new year to all. Lets keep in touch, I for one need and appreciate the support Tom

Kay  Posted: 04/01/2010 23:24

Hi Buzz. You are only in your mid twenties so you have a lot of living to do. I really think you wont have a clear head as long as you are in this situation with your partner. As for having an affair, well you wouldnt if your existing relationship was working so you are right, the writting is on the wall. You need to step back and take time out for yourself. Have some fun, go out with friends, let loose and live.

Hi Helen, oh my god i am so happy to hear from you. Can I ask if you were apprenhensive about stopping therapy. I, as you know,I have been in therapy now for 2plus years as well, and I think its coming to an end. I have learned so much too as regards coping with anxiety with new skills I do feel more supported but there is a part of me too thats scared I will some day feel as bad as I did before I started therapy. Any advice?

buzz  Posted: 30/12/2009 11:23

Not sure if my last message was posted, so wont repeat myself but basically my partner destroyed Christmas yet again this year through drinking, emotional abuse, manipulation and spite!

We nearly broke up, and I cant figure out why I didnt just walk away. I HATE myself for being so weak. The writing is on the wall, everyone wants me to leave (parents, friends, colleagues etc) but I cant seem to find the strength.

I know I dont want to be there. I have even started an affair with someone else, which is wrong I know! My friend reckons I want to be caught! I'm not sure!

Whats worrying is that now I am more confused than ever. I always thought I was "one way" if you like, and now its like, "hang on, I actually think I prefer thngs the "other" way"!! How can I not know this in my mid twenties!

I am going out of my mind with confusion and anxiety....

buzz  Posted: 30/12/2009 10:24

How did everyone enjoy their Christmas?

Hope you all got through it ok.

Buzz x

Kay  Posted: 24/12/2009 20:56

Frances, soooooo good to hear from you. Hi Buzz, you know what, things will work out. The day will pass and something will fall into place. Buzz, isnt it terrible we feel obliged to keep everybody happy except ourslelves at christmas. I hope the day goes ok for you, let us know how it went.

Frances sorry to hear you are having a bad time. let us know how your hols go. Lilmissblue, glad you had a good time when you went out with your pals.

I feel ok, a llittle apprenhensive about christmas day but ok. My kids are totally excited over santa so they are kinda distracting me. Lets all keep in touch guys over the christmas period so that none of us feels isolated or alone.

Helen  Posted: 24/12/2009 12:18

Happy Christmas to eveyone on this forum, its been a while i know but i have not forgotten my old pals, Kay, Tom, Anne, Frances, Buzz and eveyone else i used to chat with, i really wish you all an anxiety free time at christmas and promise me one thing that you will all DO WHAT YOU WANT no matter what the rest of your demanding families may ask you (easier said than done she says).

I have finished 2.5 years of therapy and think it changed me in so many ways i too could only recommend it - and you can claim it back in your med 1 form.


buzz  Posted: 23/12/2009 11:02

hi lil miss blue glad you are feeling better.

Lads I am going insane here, so so worried about tomorrow. My partner still thinks I will be spending xmas at home and I have told my parents that I will be home with them! I am so afraid to say otherwise to my partner as I am sure it will break us up - what should I do?

I officially hate xmas now, its all just about divided loyalties..

lilmissblue  Posted: 22/12/2009 16:54

Hi all,

Feeling really good at the moment, its just like being back to my old self again.

I went out on Friday and although I was feeling a little anxious I ended up making the best of it and tried to relax - glad its over for another year!

buzz  Posted: 22/12/2009 13:46

Hi all

Glad we are keeping this forum open in the runup to Christmas - it can be a very lonely and stressful time.



Kay  Posted: 20/12/2009 12:35

hi lilmissblue, i am having therapy now for two years.  its been good for me in so many ways but is in no way a quick fix.  I agree with your doctor about cognitive behavoural therapy, thats what my therapist and myself work a lot on.  Basically, its about changing thinking patterns, recognising triggers and then coming up with exercises or solutions that suit you.  I will say again you have to enter this with patience because its slow.  But, hugely beneficial to  you and your family.  I too had my xanex in my bag just in case.  I didnt need them very much but just having them there was a help.  You can expect to pay €50 to €60 euro a session for therapy if you go private.  I know its expensive but i cannt tell you how much your life will improve.  You will learn so much about yourself and the way the mind works.  If you can at all go for it, be prepared for some turbulent times and most of all be patient.  all the best kay. 

Frances  Posted: 19/12/2009 15:25

Hi everyone,

Sorry I havent written in so long but I've been to HELL and back. I'm not bad now TG and am going to Tenerife on 23rd Dec with my brother and sister. I just couldnt face Christmas here this year so am going for R&R and a bit of piece!!!

I hope you are all doing well and I wish you all a peaceful Christmas and a happy and healthy New Year

Kindest regards

Frances X

lilmissblue  Posted: 17/12/2009 17:23

Hi all,

Just back from the Doctor, she seems to think I have a fear of the unknown! She suggests Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and gave me a perscription for really down days only. I hope I wont have to take them and that this bout is going to end soon.

Has anyone had this therapy and if so how did they find it? I got two numbers for private practicioners.

Kay  Posted: 17/12/2009 17:12

hi windsong, i couldnt agree with you more about counselling.  I too attend a therapist weekly.  It has been a llife chanaging and eye opening experience.  The bottom line is though, for all suffering from anxiety, that there is always a cause.  Once the cause is determined then a "cure" can be looked for.  I say cure what i mean is talk, writting, therapy whatever it takes.  The fact is though, those of us who suffer from anxiety will probably always have triggers that set us off.  Maybe we are softer in nature than others but whatever the reasons it seems unfair at times.

Lilmissblue, I used to wake up each day and hope that the day would be better than the last and sometimes it would be but sure enough the following day I would feel bad again.  This happened for a long time before i got professional help.  I cannt encourage you enough, please get professional help and by that I mean doctor first and ask your g.p. to refer you to a counsellor.  There can be a waiting list, depending on what part of the country you live in. If finances allow going to a private counsellor would be quicker and more regular.  You will be fine, if you take steps to help yourself, and you already have by the way by coming on here and talking to us, you will heal and you will thrive.  In time. Kay.

lilmissblue  Posted: 17/12/2009 11:41

Hi All,

Just thought I'd let you know that a family member made an appointment with my doctor for this afternoon without me knowing as they knew how i'd get if i did know about it last night.

Feel a little better today, trying to block the feeling when it comes!

My Christmas party is tomorrow night and Im hoping it doesnt freak me out as its a night i used to always enjoy.

Let you know later how I get on.Sealed

windsong  Posted: 16/12/2009 23:23

Hi all,

glad to hear that you got out with your son, Lilmissblue. I have to say that after 35yrs of living with anxiety and bouts of depression, I would think that the visit to the dentist was the straw that broke the camels back. Very often, we can just about get along from day to day, but when something big comes along like this, it can overwhelm us? I have to say that I disagree with Tom on ridiculing thoughts of suicide. Ignoring them is not a good idea. Our brains and bodies have ways of signalling when we're overloaded...these flashes can be warnings that something has to give..or at least change in your life? But I agree with him when he says that it would be very good for you to be able to talk it out with a counsellor. Half the battle, for me, is to recognise the early warning symptoms, and try to lighten my load as much as possible. I dip in and out of counselling at tough times. The "Aware" helpline is very good too.

There have been times where I have lived by the hour, not able to think much further than that. On days like that, I strip my responsibilties down to the, feed the family,homeworks and plenty of rest And when Ive managed to get thru a day, I reward myself with even the smallest treat.

Hope you get to talk to a counsellor. Its such a relief to get that gets it out of your head and with skilled help, you can find ways to make your day-to- day life more joyful and less stressful. Of course, writing helps too but I have to say I find that more difficult now than when I was younger.

Thinkin of you,


lilmissblue  Posted: 16/12/2009 18:10

Thanks Kay and Tom,

Have been feeling a little better since last night. Had something to eat which I think helped as I havent been able to eat since last week.  I cant get that nervousness out of my stomach and it feels as if im sick. I find that I am continually analysing how I am feeling and worring if I am actually feeling better or its just my imagination.  I am just hoping that it wont be a case of feel good one day and back to square one the next.

Cant believe this all began over a simple trip to the dentist.  Havent taken any meds in two days as im trying to just relax by myself.  Brought my son for a mc donalds today as a treat cos i was on another planet the last week and since I got home I have diarrhoea and am stressing that my symtoms are back.

This is a living hell, is there light at the end of it???

Tom  Posted: 16/12/2009 12:46

Hi Lilmissblue. I have found LotsecMups helpful for the vomiting, you need to get them from your GP. They are for ulcers but I have found them very good for what you have, I have had the same many times, it will not go away by itself, it needs a chemical.  Take them for a couple of days until the vomiting stops.  

Unfortunately I have found the medical profession too enthusiastic about prescribing when anxiety is a long term problem like it is for you and me and for lots of other people. Take the meds for a short period of time until the symptoms stop / reduce. Then try to lower the dose very gradually. You can go back on  them again if the symtoms reoccur. They probably will, however if you are on high levels of anxiety drugs like valium all the time there is no reserves left when you need them most if the anxiety reoccurs. There are mood stabilising  drugs available, but again I would advise small doses. There is a time when that nausea and anxiety just piles up, then is the time for a small once off dose of valium. The symptoms of suicide are very disturbing, just ignore them and ridicule them. Talking is  good. Talk about what is happening to you, it is amazingly beneficial. Also continue to write into this website (really another version of talk) I have found it very beneficial and I think alot of people have had a similar positive experience. Happy Christmas to all. Hello Kay Best regards Tom  

Kay  Posted: 15/12/2009 18:19

hi lilmissblue,  its very common to have suicidal thoughts when feeling such high levels of anxiety. First thing is first. You need to go see your g.p. They will probably prescribe meds and thats ok.  Take them and give yourself a few weeks or days to stable out then and this is the important bit need to speak to someone.  Windsong is right, you need to speak to a professional about your anxious feelings.  One thing has become very apparent to me is that there is always a reason for anxiety.  ALWAYS without exception.  It could be something from your past or present but there is something causing it.  You will be ok but you need to take some steps to getting help.  Your son needs you dont leave him.  My therapist used to say to me when I felt i couldnt go on, that if I killed myself then my children would be left a legacy of therapy and panic attacks too because of what I had done. So that to me was and still is a great reason to keep going.  all the best kay. 

windsong  Posted: 15/12/2009 00:05

Hi Lilmissblue,

sorry to hear how youre feeling just now. I dont know what part of the country you live in but may I suggest you get in touch with Pieta House, Lucan, Dublin?

Two of my family members have been greatly helped by this centre and they have outreach centres as well.

I had my first panic attack when I was 18 or so.(many years ago!) I have tried many different resources to help my anxiety.....books, relaxation, yoga and meds. For me, I realise now that my attacks are my bodys way of telling me that I'm overloaded and I try to heed that warning, lighten my load  whatever way I can.

thinkin of you and hope you get the support you need...

lilmissblue  Posted: 13/12/2009 19:01

Hi all,

Just found this website and hope somebody can help me.  I am a born worrier and this seems to be getting worse.  In the past couple of years I have been very anxious going on holiday, its not the flight that scares me its just the fact of going away. I cant sleep the night before, i keep thinking of going away over and over again until I start vomiting from being totally anxious and stressed out. My family have even given me valium (only 2mg) just to try to help me relax. 

I can go ages without an attack but the last week i had to go to the dentist with a toothache and the usual feeling the night before can back on me, I reluctantly went into work the following day and made an emergency appointment with the dentist, got a filling and all was fine. I had to have a further 6 fillings and went back on tuesday to get 2 done but ended up only getting 1 and a tooth out (which i wasnt expecting). I went to bed that night still in shock and went asleep but since then I cant shake this anxiety. I didnt want to go back to work (but i forced myself to) I feel my stomach is in knots all the time, I have even thought about suicide just so as I never have to feel like this ever again. I have a young son and I am trying to think of him but its so hard. I have a great family but I am just at my wits end. I just want this to stop and to feel normal again. I have taken Valium (2mg) for the past couple of days and im starting to feel better but then my fear comes back and I just wish I wasnt here.

Please can somebody help me, My life is in bits.

Kay  Posted: 11/12/2009 20:36

Hi Tom.  Thanks for your post.  Well, I went to the first part of her funeral, just for my parents.  They never asked me to go but I knew people would be asking them where I was.  I bit my tounge and got through it.  I did feel out of sorts for a few days after but thats to be expected seeing all that side of the family again is naturally going to bring up some emotions in me.

Are you ok Tom?  Have things got any easier with your mom?

Tom  Posted: 09/12/2009 15:48


You are not selfish, you are looking after yourself mentally which is completely different. Probably just as well that you did not confront her, she is not responsible for her father, if she was his mother a slight possibility that it might be a different story. Try to stay strong and lean on us for support All the best Tom. Hi Baz and anybody else looking in to this

Kay  Posted: 08/12/2009 18:02

hi all.  just heard to-day that the daughter of the man who abused me as a child is dead. She was in her 50s.  I might also mention this woman was my godmother too.  I never liked her, probably because she looked very like her father, but also she was loud, brash and also had bad things to say about practically everybody she ever came into contact with. 

The thing is I dont know how i feel.  I cannt grieve for her because I didnt like her and I dont really want to go to her funeral, but am expected to.  I suppose i had this image of me confronting her with the things her father did to me and letting her know what a pervert he was.  Now the chances are he probably abused her too, cause trust me, paedophiles arent fussy.   I know its not her fault and I know its not rational hating her right now but I do. Im angry she died and i didnt get a chance to tell her about her father.  If this sounds selfish then sorry but im feeling confused and maybe a little bitter. 

Hi Buzz and Tom. 

Kay  Posted: 03/12/2009 22:03

hi Tom.  Buzz is right, the weekend he describes away sounds a lot less hassle.  Tom, if you are ok about traveling and that then go for it.  It may do you the power of good.  If you really dont feel up to it then dont put yourself under any extra pressure and stay at home.  Life throws all kinds of things our way some almost unbearable but the main thing is to know you are not alone.  there are people you interact with, meet or see every day and presume their lives are so much less complicated than ours.  The truth be known everybody has some kind of strife going on in their lives.  What seems insurmountable to some may seem a walk in the park to those of us who have had a hard time of it lately.  Tom, your mother is going to be looked after where she is going.  I imagine you probably feel guilt but Tom please know thats first of all a normal reaction but secondly your life has to go on. If you can at all go for the weekend away. Try and switch off and pretend,even if its just for a few days, that your are carefree.  all the best kay. 

buzz  Posted: 02/12/2009 15:59

Hi Tom thats tough how are you holding up? Re going away has your partner already booked? If not, maybe talk to them about how you are feeling and postpone til you feel more up to it? You know what I think would be lovely now - a nice long weekend somewhere down the country - fluffy hotel duvets, breakfast buffet, woodland walks, slap up dinners and a few pints in a rural unspoilt pub. Heaven.... :) New York is very go go go and if you are not going for that long you may not have a chance to recover while you are there. The journey over and back with little time in between may drain you even more.


Tom  Posted: 02/12/2009 14:23

Dear All

Nice to have the forum back again. Not feeling so good Kay, mother is moving to a nursing home, very little support, partner wants to go for a weekend to New York but I do not feel up to it. What do uyou guys think, should I just go for and hope for the best.


buzz  Posted: 02/12/2009 12:43

Hi Kay sounds great and I wish i could follow your advice and have even a little bit of your strength but I think if I suit myself my partner will probably dump me. Sigh.

blondie1  Posted: 01/12/2009 21:03

hey any tips on how u guys cope xx

Kay  Posted: 01/12/2009 20:46

Hi Buzz.  Yeah you know what christmas should be the one time of year we suit ourselves.  We should do exactly what we choose.  If that means staying home in our p.j's all day then fine but running ragged visiting people we dont really want to see is what we do.  Tell you what......  You decide what you want to do for sure at christmas and tell me and I will do the same and we can both agree to do what WE want and not what others want.  we can make a pact to say to hell with them this year I suit me.  Well it sounds good anyway so maybe we might give it a try?????

Hi Tom hope you are ok?

windsong  Posted: 01/12/2009 20:35

Hi all,

hope everyone is keeping well. As yes, each year as Christmas approaches, Ipromise myself I'll change religion on the 1st of december! Its hard not to get caught up in the madness. I have decided to keep my pressies to a "thought", and to pick up charity items.Oxfam has some g8 stuff and a lot of the charities have books etc.

I remember a friend saying to me once: please yourself, that way you know one person is happy! Not meant in any selfish way but when it comes to times like this: xmas, weddings, family gatherings- Thats where I start. I prefer to stay at my own table for xmas dinner- everything else is up for negotiation. But its one way of keeping anxiety levels in check-place noones head above your own.

Now, i must dash....mums taxi is on duty!

buzz  Posted: 01/12/2009 09:22

Hi Kay you're right there is far too much emphasis placed on material goods at this time of year. I have been having cold sweats thinking about it at times and then I think hang on get a grip would you its only one day. Also my partner wants me to spend christmas at home, but I want to spend it at my real home ie with parents. Am completely torn. Neither my partner nor my parents have brought the issue up because I think they are all waiting to see what I do! Argh! Feel like checking into a hotel and spending it alone to be honest (well me and my doggy that is bless her)

Kay  Posted: 30/11/2009 18:24

hello you guys.  soooooo good to hear from Buzz and Tom.  Hi to Blondie and windsong.  Well guys its that time of year again.  Im trying to keep things in perspective and not lose the head cause its christmas.  My anxiety levels are ok these days. Not gone completely but writting and talking knocks it sideways when it comes.  Tom, how are you?  Think about you in particular a lot.  You seemed quite isolated at times to me as regards support.  But not anymore this forum is up and running again and if we all post here regularly then we can support each other.  Buzz has your situation changed at all? 

If either of the other ladies that used to post here are looking in please get in touch.  talk soon. Kay.

buzz  Posted: 30/11/2009 13:21

Hi all

Am also here to help, if I can


Tom  Posted: 30/11/2009 12:04

Hi Blondie & Windsong

I think it is the loneliness  of the condition that is really the worst. I have it bad for along time now. The recession does not help. Happy to help if I can Tom

windsong  Posted: 29/11/2009 18:22

Hi all,

I'm new to this forum...look in everyday. Ah, have had anxiety and depression issues since my teens..and thats a while ago. It helps so much to get things out of your head. I used to be very good at writing a diary but have lost that habit.

Anyway, would be happy to chat with ye...

best wishes to all.....

blondie1  Posted: 29/11/2009 11:18

Hi Tom,

Yes that would be excellent to have some peoples advice as i'm at my wits end here after trying everything. Frown

Tom  Posted: 28/11/2009 13:08

Hi Blondie, There was a good time when alot of good and very helpful posts was passed amongst members. It has fizzled out. I too would like somebody to talk to. I found the mutual support of great benefit  Tom

blondie1  Posted: 26/11/2009 22:32

does anyone post on this site i would be grateful 2 have some1 2 talk 2 x

buzz  Posted: 28/10/2009 13:30

Hi I agree! :)

Kay  Posted: 28/10/2009 00:06

Hi Tom. Yeah i miss the posts from this forum too.  I check e-mails most days and like to hear  from some of ye guys. 

Im sorry to hear that you arent feeling too good.  You are not forgotten, well certainly not by me.  You will be ok Tom.  Its such a slow process.  Are you still trying to look after your mother?  Do you talk to anyone about whats in your head?  You know you can say whatever you want here on this forum. It doesnt matter how awful it is or how mad it sounds i just think its so important to get the cr*p in our heads out to release the pressure. Let me know your ok please.  all the best Kay.

Tom  Posted: 26/10/2009 13:49

Hi all

It would be nice to get a discussion and some mutual support going again. I really miss the messages and am conscous that I  did not reply as often as I could or should.

Hope everyone is well. Was at my psychriatist and given too strong a medication. Not good. Feel  everyone has given up on me, would like a fresh start.  My memory is very poor. any suggestions for improving same would be most welcome.  

best regards Tom

qrst  Posted: 25/10/2009 08:52


If you want to see a neurologist, please see the page:

See you:)

Helen  Posted: 06/10/2009 21:31

can't believe its been so long since i logged on.

I am doing well, trying not to let work take over but its hard at moment, joined a book club!! really proud of myself as always wanted to so reading a book for next meeting and love the way its switches me off from my problems, have a visit looming from my FIL who causes me no end of anxiety but this book is doing the trick!

Billybob hope you not too worried.

Kay, meant to reply to you but didn't, no i don't worry about traveling, actually love to travel, hate coming home though! I find it harder to manage neighbors and home life stuff, i find travel an escape, a holiday from it all, i love even getting the bus to Dublin (i only live an hour away) for a day trip. I get anxious when i stay at home, am trying to change that and settle more in the house, do some housework etc when not working but not really house proud so its a real chore.

off to read.

take care.


Billybob  Posted: 06/10/2009 15:22

Ok here apart from some medical issues which have recently come to light and have me slightly worried.

Hope you're well Buzz and everyone else.

buzz  Posted: 06/10/2009 13:28

How is everyone doing?

buzz  Posted: 11/09/2009 12:34

Hi Kay I think it is just a quiet time of year, lots of (lucky!) people away ha ha :) hope all are keeping well.

Kay  Posted: 07/09/2009 22:33

Hi Tom, good to hear from you.  Do you have to go and see your mother often?  I only see my mother once a week now and she only lives 7 miles away from me.  It was hard to do after running around after her all my life but I had to do something or crack completely.  I envy you Tom with your will to exercise, its been documented over many years that exercise is a huge huge help with depression and anxiety.  So you are probably doing the best thing you can at the moment for your health mind and body. Keep up the good work.

Tom I meant to ask, is your mother alert to whats going on around her, i mean is her mind completly all there or is she forgetful? 

Hi Buzz, its getting pretty quite on this forum, where have all our pals gone?  You sound much stronger and independant in yourself.  I hope the situation resolves for you in time and at your pace. all the best Kay.

Tom  Posted: 07/09/2009 14:55

Hi All, Kay just read your lovely message about concern for other people and thought I would immesiately reply to the site as I tend to put it on the longfinger if I do not do immediately. Anxiety and pressure on the brain was very intense last week, I did three exercise sessions over the weekend and it seems to have reduced the ferocity of the symptoms. I know exactly what you mean about the limitations anxiety puts on people, it really is horrrible. My mother has moved to a remotely located carer in Cavan and I am dreading the drive as I live in Dublin. Grateful that I am having a good day today. Will do more exercise. Keep trying to conquer the symptoms, that is all I can say, I wish everyone well on this site that is trying to conquer the symptoms. All the best Tom

buzz  Posted: 07/09/2009 14:14

Hi Kay, yes I cant remember if Anne said she was leaving or if she just stopped posting. Anne if you are reading these threads hope you are keeping well and maybe you might let us know how things have been going for you?

Yes Kay I am a little happier now but there are still some problems that need to be worked through and I still do not know what I want. I feel like I have lost my resolve to leave. Dont worry I am sure my partner will provide another incentive to leave any day now - I wont be left waiting for long! :)

Kay  Posted: 05/09/2009 21:20

Hi Helen, somebody told me once, that when people are depressed/anxious the colour does actually seem dull and when it lifts the colours seem brighter and more vibrant. Maybe there is some truth in that, I know I look at the sky more now when its beautiful and blue but maybe thats because we are not getting that many blue skies right now.

Helen, have you ever found it hard to travel? I mean have you ever suffered anxiety when going somewhere so much so that it stops you from doing things and going places. I would love to travel, its been 13 years since I was out of the country and not because of no oppertunities but because of anxiety. I cannt fly the plane and I cannt stop it and get off when I want to so I dont go at all. I know the only way of stopping this is to face it but it scares me so much. Glad you had a fab time in Paris.

Hi Buzz, I think we havent heard from Anne since May. Yeah its a bit worrying when we dont hear from those we care about. By the way how are things in your relationship now? I am not prying just concerned, you seem in good form though.


Frances  Posted: 04/09/2009 18:20

Hi everyone and welcome back Helen.

I've just spent another 8 days in hospital with my breathing but am on the mend now TG.

The depression got really bad for about 3 days but all I had to do was telephone the day hospital (for mental illness) and they were right there. I cannot praise them enough. I am still on anti-depressants because I don't think I'd get through this "rough patch" without them. I KNOW they work for me and I'm not embarrassed the tell anyone I take them. I also know that you have to be strong willed and do your hardest to heal your mind but I think anyone with depression/anxiety needs a helping hand. I'm told they're not addicitive so I don't expect to be on meds for the rest of my life (not for depression/anxiety anyway).

I hope you are all doing better than me

Kindest regards

Frances x

Helen  Posted: 03/09/2009 21:23

Hi everyone, Kay WELCOME BACK, glad you are still with us and hope you ok? Buzz Tom Frances how are you all?

Cli i looked at the website and its interesting, at the moment i am recovering through one to one counseling and its doing wonders for me, maybe i will move over to another group therapy later but not for now.

I just had to tell you lot that i went to Paris for the weekend (back to the land of that crazy ex) and felt so happy to be there under different circumstances, it feels like i am so alive now compared to those years - like the city had come to life and was in colour whereas it used to be pretty grey living there. It just hit me quite hard that thats what anxiety and depression does to you, takes the colour and fun out of your life, wow i really want to stay in my little rainbow at the moment and with this rain its becoming more and more of a possibility Cool


buzz  Posted: 03/09/2009 13:00

Anyone ever wonder how Anne is doing? It has been a while since we heard from her.

Kay  Posted: 28/08/2009 20:52

Hi Cli.  I think groups like recovery are great.  It breaks the alienation that people with depression/anxiety have.  Its always good to talk and I believe strongly that talking with others will help hugely. There are groups like this in my area, but I can honestly say  I am afraid to go to them.  I suppose I dont really know if I can take on others problems or worries as well as my own.  Someday maybe.

The one thing I will say about medication is that sometimes meds are necessary to get people through an "emergency phase".  I dont believe meds are a long term solution but they certainly can have a place in healing.  Usually when people feel a little more secure and safe they come off the meds anyway.  I know that is the way it went for me.

Hi to all.  Kay.

Cli  Posted: 26/08/2009 20:26

I can't help but notice that when i look though the thread of posts on this topic, so many people depend on medication. Have any of you considered the possibility of self-help groups such as 'Recovery' which aim to guide people to their own recovery themselves. As well as this it equips people with the skills and lessons neccessary to cope with everyday life which can become difficult so quickly?

Just do me a favour and check out the 'Recovery' site. It may be the spark that changes your life.

Cli Smile

Kay  Posted: 26/08/2009 19:42

Hi all. I feel a little embarassed writting here again. I have been watching and waiting til the Bug went. Anyhow, Tom, my friend, I know exactly what you are going through. My mother is a constant source of anger and anxiety to me. I have been avoiding her for my own sanity, she could in the past reduce me to a ball of frustration/anger/anxiety. I have learned though that there are ways of stopping her and not letting her get to me. Mainly by avoidance. Its not the perfect answer but sometimes the only one for me.

I know yur mother is sick, so you have the whole anger/guilt thing going on.

Tom, i want to say things to my mother, how hurt I am and how she neglected me but also how i do love her. All I can tell you to do if you like me cannt say stuff to your mothers face is write here or in a diary or both. Just let it out. I sympathise with you right now but know you have an ear to bend here whenever you want to talk about your mother.

Hi to Frances, Helen, Buzz(how you doing?). Hi to new members. sorry about throwing a strop over certain other posts but I had to leave just temporarily. Kay.

Frances  Posted: 26/08/2009 18:07

Hi all,

Tom, I know what you mean, I'm still very unwell with lungs and my best friend ever (my partner) is driving me absolutely MAD! He seems to disappear to help others and as I'm completely immobilised, I need him here to do a little bit of housework - simply sweep the floor and keep kitchen tidy! We're arguing a lot - he says I'm too fussy about housework and worry too much about what people think. Maybe he's right but it's all really getting to me.

On a better note, the Cymbalta 90g have kicked in at last, so that's a BIG plus. The staff of the day hospital are SAINTS. Not one day passes that they don't ring or call out to see me - they've given me back my sanity!

I've to see a respiratory consultant next Thurs to see what's gone so wrong with the emphysema and once that's sorted, I'll be brand new again.

Keep writing, it keeps us all going

Kindest regards

Frances X

buzz  Posted: 26/08/2009 14:53

Hi Tom sorry to hear you are not feeling the best. Why are you angry with your Mother? (although if you don't want to share that information that is understandable). At least the boogey man has disappeared from here so we can chat away to our heart's content ha ha.

c.r.o.w  Posted: 26/08/2009 12:27

On discovering and accepting I had a cognitive disorder foolishly one of the first things I did was to deactivate my citizenship and hand over responsibility to my family, the mental health services and groups like Rehab it was during this time I was abused for the first time in my life

True recovery began when I took responsibility for my own recovery

As soon as I made that decision I reactivated my citizenship those who abused me became my motivators I became the expert on my own disorder and developed my own recovery plan to day I still have the odd day where I have to work hard keeping things together I achieved my goal because I managed to recruit the support of my community

Noel Palmer

Tom  Posted: 22/08/2009 11:53

Hi All. Nice to have the forum for chatting once more. Frances good to hear that you are on the mend. Kay if you are reading this post please come back as you have been helpful to me on more than occassion. Helen I am glad you enjoyed your holiday. Billybob and Buzz I hope you are doing well.

Sorry to say things are not going that well for me at the moment. This forum is great for expressing feelings, I think it is important to find an outlet where I can just express that feeling helps. Feel very angry with my mother at the moment even though she is ill. Has any body else experienced that feeling. all for now Tom


Cli  Posted: 21/08/2009 20:29

Hi guys im new to the website and forum and the title "anxiety" caught my attention. My boyfriend suffers with it, though only mildy. Just wondering if any of you have heard of the recovery method? I'll link you to the website and you can see what you think. Its done wonders for a few people i know. The "recovery success stories" section of the website is quite particularly good.

Cli Smile

Helen  Posted: 21/08/2009 16:59

Hi everyone, nothing much to say today, thinking of you Frances, great to hear you are being minded, working like mad today so not able to stay long, Buzz don't call yourself a coward, i am sure you have oodles of courage and use it as required!

i would agree with the money issues in partnerships a hard one in our house too, it can drive such a wedge between people even small amounts become subjects for a fight, give you a laugh, my ex nutter used to write everything down everything we spent in two columns and tally it up every month and even work out interest i we would owe eachother for longer term debts!!!!!control freaks eat your hearts out :))


buzz  Posted: 21/08/2009 14:37

Hi Frances sorry to hear you had a rough time of it, and hope you are on the mend now. Yes our gremlin seems to have disappeared so I guess that means we are "allowed" talk to each other again without being accused of "worsening" our "habit" ha ha.

buzz  Posted: 21/08/2009 09:37

Hi Billybob

Glad to hear you are keeping well. It is true that a huge amount of rows between couples are caused by financial issues. If there is financial stress, one partner earning more or spending more, different priorities when it comes to paying bills vs spending etc. After years of rowing with my partner over money I came to the conclusion that we are better off to pool our money and pay rent, bills etc out of that, and then halve what is left so that we still retain a degree of financial independence. Even if it is just a small amount of discretionary income it is important that we have a certain amount that we can do whatever we want with without having to be held accountable! Different things work for different people I suppose but the general consensus seems to be share the responsibilities and then split what's left.

Hope everyone else is keeping well?

Regards xx

Frances  Posted: 20/08/2009 19:51

Hi everyone,

Glad to see the "Bogey" has left the forum and we can all settle down again.

I've just been in St.James's Hospital (respiratory failure and very low potassium). None of this did my depression any good so they sent me home for complete rest.

The nurse from the day hospital calls every day and doctor every 2nd day so I'm getting great support and starting to feel better already.

I missed chatting to you all and hope you are all doing well

Frances Smile

Billybob  Posted: 20/08/2009 15:21

Hi everyone,

Still doing ok thankfully.  Still getting meetings and still off the meds and also trying to give up the fags.  Got 5 days and some mates came around and ended up having a few and still having a few now though intake is halved.  I know it's possible to go without so it's just a matter of starting again.  I am still a bit touchy but this too shall pass as they say.  Did have major row with partner the other day over finances but since made up. 

Hi Helen, glad you'd such a great time on your hols.  Camping was never my thing - I enjoy my creature comforts too much.  I am getting quite restless as feel I need a holiday - I went away a few times per year in the good times and haven't had a holiday yet this year as trying to be sensible.  Being pressured to take my 2 weeks annual leave in work but don't relish the thoughts of staying in Ireland for it. 

The unpleasantness that seemed to take over this forum now seems to have gone now thank god (touch wood).  Hopefully we won't experience that again.

Hope everyone is doing good.  Take care.

buzz  Posted: 19/08/2009 12:45

Hi Helen good to hear from you it sounds like you had a great time away. Three weeks wow I would kill for that time off and spending time in the country is lovely - so much nicer than sun hols I think? No bags packed yet. Its difficult! Maybe I am just a coward. There are so many things to fear in life, but change shouldnt be one of them.

Helen  Posted: 19/08/2009 08:58

Dear Kay, Buzz, Tom, Frances how are you all doing!!!! i have been away for 3 weeks and the site has gone mad but i am delighted Alan you showed that we all have so much respect for each other we have managed to support and even TALK (yes that dirty word he he) for some over 2 years, for me a year and share our lives and HEAL together. Now if i was in a fight Buzz i would make sure you were on my side :))))

moving on Kay don't leave the site you are one of the most helpful and insightful people here and we would be lost with out you, don't mind the "alan mc" whatever posts, i am going to ignore them completely, and Buzz do the same.

Just went camping for 3 weeks and it was just what the doctor ordered, no house work and loads of cycling, walking etc and it has given me enormous amounts of energy to cope with the rest of the holidays.

Kay did you get a break at all???? hope you doing ok.

Buzz, any bags packed yet ?? sorry but i will keep on your case as i care!

Billybob, delighted you have gone back to AA and have taken the bull by the horns, its not going to be easy but sure you on the way to feeling better, i drink too when in social situations to the point of embarassement to my husband and would love to calm it all down a notch, but even camping the first thing on my shopping list was the box of wine, let me know how you are doing this week.

Tom, I hope you get the help you need, if you contact Alan Mc make sure to tell us how it works as I would trust you completely.


buzz  Posted: 17/08/2009 09:56

Hi Kay I think I agree with your sentiments here but rather than running, why dont we just ignore his platitudes and clickes? After a while he will get tired I am sure ha ha! I used to really like this thread too but dirt gets in doesnt it? I hope you had a good weekend. All the best.

buzz  Posted: 17/08/2009 09:52

Alan like I said there is nothing more annoying than a born again. Can you not see that nobody actually wants you here? Go and spew your rubbish elsewhere because none of us actually buy what you are saying. I understand that there is a recession on at the moment and perhaps you are finding yourself a bit short of money, and you may believe that extortion is the way to line your pockets well unfortunately it is not and people recognise quackery when they see it. Failing that, if you check out Gumtree there are some vacancies for cleaner jobs etc which may be of interest to you? I know they pay around 9 or 10 euro an hour...hope that is of some help to you. These are trying times but we must do our best. Regards

onlyme  Posted: 16/08/2009 00:57

Boy oh boy Alan. you sure as hell have some ego. I am no more a trained profesional than you are on the topics of depression or anxiety. But..I would not put my problems for all to see and claim they are a cure. You are right about the medical people, they can treat the symtom not the disease, but if you yourself can, with the help of meds, see through the symptoms,them in my view you are on the way to a cure, which will come from with in YOU. So stop the drivel get on with life, it wont kill you either.

CelticSoul  Posted: 15/08/2009 01:49

I came on here tonight looking for some information, but am wondering if I have wandered into a firestorm. I couldn't resist the temptation to read the thread. I sometimes wonder why people have to feel that they are always right? I very much doubt that Alan M has helped too many people as he has stated. These sites are frequently visited by former sufferers who claim to have all the answers. If Alan M can show that he is a qualified practitioner, a psychologist, or a counsellor, and is not just a former sufferer on a mission to save us all from ourselves, then I would say that he merits a hearing. I very much doubt that he is though. He has been forcing this issue down people's throats here since 4th August. He has repeated himself ad-nauseum in every posting that he has made. There is a very fine line between passion and obsession, and his rantings have pretty much crossed this line. He may be "cured" of his anxiety, but I would say that he has a much greater problem to deal with now, a delusion that he is the saviour of the world.

The measure of a good therapist is their ability to create a comfort zone in which their patients can be themselves, be fully open and be fully trusting. I think Alan M has failed on all counts here. He has alienated and offended and upset some very vulnerable people. He has shown scant regard for the feelings of others. The sooner he gets the message that people are not interested in his arrogant preaching, the better.

If you want a cure to your anxiety, do whatever works for you. If you want reassurance or to have some of the bewilderments cleared up, read Self Help for your nerves, by Dr. Claire Weekes. Continue to rely on each other though. Sometimes in the deepest anxiety, all that is needed is a friendly word of encouragement.

Kay  Posted: 14/08/2009 18:15

 I have been on this forum for almost two years now and have found it to be a HUGE help. 

Now I have decided to stop reading and posting here.  Alan, you have turned what I saw as a friendly forum supporting each other into a fight.  Don't be so self-righteous, open your very closed mind.  You sound like you have been brainwashed.  I am angry as hell with you. 

The Linden Method might work, sure, but you DONT tell people to do it , they have to decide which is the better route for them. By the way Alan, running from anxiousness causes it to get worse.  Eventually, it will catch up with you and if it does I hope you open your mind to talking.  ALthough I have my doubts. 

All the best friends. Kay .

Alan M  Posted: 14/08/2009 15:28

TO ALL ON HERE  including BUZZ and KAY

- i am sorry to sound so blunt and direct but in the end when you are fully well you will know that its best that someone is honest and not beating around the bush

- if you do what you always did , you'll get what you always got. open your mind to the facts of anxiety disorder that are difficult to believe.

- some poeple have no idea what started their anxiety disorder. with others it may have been work stress, a death , divorce, finalncial problems etc..

- we all need anxiety to survive. it is our defense system.

- anxiety disorder happens when our normal baseline level of anxiety gets reset at a higher level than we can cope with and it causes all these horriffic feelings emotions and all the other things we suffer with 24 / 7.

- This has happend over time by operant conditioning which means we have acted anxiously for so long with our conscious brain that it has become part of our subconscious brain and now we act this way subconsciously the same as breathing and blinking etc etc..

- So now to get well we need to forget what caused our anxiety to start with and deal with the disorder we have developed. We leaned to be this way and now we must UNLEARN it. This sounds so simple an explanation for something which is so awful to live with , i know, but its true.

- anxiety is stored in the brain in an organ called the AMYGDALA. it has become reset. imagine the rev counter on your car revving too high when you car is only started and not driving causing all sorts of things to happen that shouldn't like burning oil and fuel etc.. your amygdala needs to be reset back down to a level of anxiety you can cope with , ie. like you were before.

- the amygdala cannot be reset by talking or hypotherapy or acupuncture etc etc..... they will help in other ways but anxiety disorder can only be cured by resetting the amygdala to a new lower baseline anxiety level. thats why i say therapy will help you with problems but wont cure anxiety dosorder.

- so you need to get a structured set of rules to live by that will remove the behaviour you do everyday that support and keep your anxiety alive and well. so when you consciously do these new things and stick to them, your subconscious will then adopt them as your new behaviour and and its new norm and the anxiety and all that goes with it will fade away. TRUST ME!!!

- it takes alot of work but when you start your revovery programme (which i can give you or tell you where to go for it) you will be amazed at how fast you start to feel better. within 2 weeks you'll start oticing things change. this depends on individuals committment and self belief etc.

- stop blaming things for your anxiety. it is irrelevant now!! something caused you to be anxious to start with but only you caused you anxiety to become a DISORDER. i hope this makes sense. it is true.

- it does not have to be expensive to rid yourself of anxiety disorder. not at all. how much have you spent to date and you are still anxious and your life still controlled by it daily????

- people on here should be here to make friends and know they are not alone. And then know that a year from now or however long, they can come here and offer help to new visitors who are in the depts of this horrible condition. it would be sad to thing of being here after that time and still no better, still posting the same old stuff with different words and not able to really help the newcomers.

- it will cost you nothing to e mail me to set you on track. i am someone who was so destroyed by anxiety that i spent years learning the facts and the only way to cure it. saw it work hundreds of yimes now and i want other who are like i was ,to be well again and be happy and their families relieved again.

- its very sad to say but worth noting that some people simply do not want help and are happy to continue in their misery so dont get sucked into their world if you are someone who wants to get well. i am not saying that those type of people are on here but they out there on anxiety websites , frightenig the hell out of people with their views in anxiety which have no relation to the truth.

Have a great weekend all. Take care. Alan :)

buzz  Posted: 14/08/2009 10:23

Hi Kay glad there are no hard feelings as they say and I agree I feel like using much stronger words but what can you do? At this stage I feel we should move to a different thread ha ha.

buzz  Posted: 14/08/2009 10:21

HI BUZZ, firstly i am not recruiting patients.

Sorry but it sounds like you are.

 Secondy anxiety disorder is not ''case specific''

The reasons WHY people might SUFFER ANXIETY are very varied and yes "case specific" like I said PLEASE do not try to put us all in the same box.

so you need to not post things like that on here

I will post what I want here so you need not speak donw to me like a teacher speaking to a child

as it will misinform new suferers of anxiety.

You have done far more damage by hurting and offending people on here so please do not rpeach to ME about misinformation

Thirdly, there is only one way to cure anxiety. Only one!!!!! And it is too detailed to put in one post, hence why i put up bits and pieces.

Like I said, different strokes for different folks and I am sorry but you rea NOT the authority on cures for anxiety.

So it does not matter how you suffer from your anxiety and how it differs to someone else, the core and root cause is anxiety and that is what you have to tackle.

I don't buy this. Simple.

And giving someone a structured and easy to follow programme will allow them clear vision on how to do this.

Someties people just want to talk things out. Please allow them to do so.

Also BUZZ, i do say that i have been there. Remember this, there is a huge difference betwen someone who is a recovered anxiety sufferer and someone who is currenty suffering. And having seen others also recover fully in this manner affords me position to help others who actually want it.

Like I said, nothing more annoying than a born again.

And as fas as training goes!! Are you kiding me?? I have suffered and been completely broken down and got it together and am fully recovered now. and also helped others to do the same. How many people has your or anyone else's doctor cured???

Sorry but being there does not qualify you for ANYTHING. I asked you what TRAINING you have. Do I then take from your answer that you have none? If someone suffers from cancer does that make them an oncologist?

None. They might tell you that you have depression or that you have anxiety and take the medication they give you. Thats crazy as medication can help you cope but will NEVER cure you. EVER. Others will sit and talk with you and take your money every week and as people on here will testify, they are not cured. Because anxiety will not be cured by talking.

Nobody is saying it will be cured by talking, but it does no harm. Sometimes people WANT to talk.

In fact my own doctor calls me to help him with patients suffering with anxety becaue he cares enough about his patients not to fobb them of with tablets. He knows it doesn't work. The worlds biggest authority on anxiety  Charles Linden is not a trained person as you put it BUZZ.

I never said he was trained.

How can they train us when they dont know anythng about the condition. EX anxiety sufferers are the experts on these conditions.

No they are not! My God I cannot believe your arrogance. If I broke  abone in my past does that give me the right to claim to be an orthopedic surgeon and preach to OTHERS who have broken bones? No.

Just ask people on here who are exhausted looking for answers from the ''trained'' people and yet they are no better. And BUZZ, if you know so much as being in a position to contradict me and what I have posted, why are you on here and suffering from anxiety?

Know so much as to be in a position to contradict you? Do you think people are not allowed to have an opinion? Have you appointed yourself as leader of this thread and how dare ANYONE try to contradict you? The difference between me and you is that I did not CLAIM to be trained. I do not LIE to people and yes I am on here because I suffer form anxiety and dont you DARE try to use that against me. You are here to simply out people down to prop yourself up and hopefully make  aquick buck or two. You are NOT qualified yet you SAY you are, and here you are dishing out advice when you are not trained to do so - nothing short of extortionate quackery if you ask me.

Anxiety is a sub-conscious anxious habbit and there is not one case of anxiety disorder that is case specific to cure. Everyone's anxiety is case specific but their developed disorder is not and neither is the curing of it.

Where did you copy and paste this rubish from?

Bottom line Alan, you came on here being all preachy, invaded a space which was important to people at this time in their lives and you made LITTLE of them. You basically told them to shut up and go seek help (preferably form you if it helps line your pocket). You then claim to be qualified simply because you ahve "been there" and try to bully me into leaving, (not to mention using my anxiety against me which to be honest I did not think you would stoop THAT low for the sake of point scoring).

If talking does not work for you thats fine but STOP trying to impose YOUR views onto OTHERS.

Kay  Posted: 13/08/2009 18:49

Buzz, you in no way upset me or caused me anxiousness by your posts. I was trying to be impartial to all views on this forum but enough is enough. 

Alan, i dont know what your qualifications are but I completely resent that you tell me by going to weekly therapy that I am feeding my anxiety. So what you are saying Ive wasted thousands of euro and many, many hours in therapy have been wasted too.  I am furious what the hell gives you the right to tell me whats right for me or not. You dont know me and you have no idea the horriffic past I have.  So keep your biased opinion to yourself.  Its one thing coming on here and giving people advice but its completely another when you tell someone what they are doing to improve their lives and get better is wrong. Do not address me on this forum again.  What you are doing is wrong and damaging. I feel like using much stronger words right now but they would probably be edited. 

Buzz is right, different treatments work for different people and no one trreatment works for all.  I have learned so much in therpy that has benefited me and my family hugely.  But I wouldnt dream of telling someone that therapy is the only way they will get better. Because it would be so wrong.  All I know is it works for me and maybe others. 

Alan M  Posted: 13/08/2009 15:25

HI BUZZ, firstly i am not recruiting patients. Secondy anxiety disorder is not ''case specific'' so you need to not post things like that on here as it will misinform new suferers of anxiety. Thirdly, there is only one way to cure anxiety. Only one!!!!! And it is too detailed to put in one post, hence why i put up bits and pieces. So it does not matter how you suffer from your anxiety and how it differs to someone else, the core and root cause is anxiety and that is what you have to tackle. And giving someone a structured and easy to follow programme will allow them clear vision on how to do this. Also BUZZ, i do say that i have been there. Remember this, there is a huge difference betwen someone who is a recovered anxiety sufferer and someone who is currenty suffering. And having seen others also recover fully in this manner affords me position to help others who actually want it. And as fas as training goes!! Are you kiding me?? I have suffered and been completely broken down and got it together and am fully recovered now. and also helped others to do the same. How many people has your or anyone else's doctor cured??? None. They might tell you that you have depression or that you have anxiety and take the medication they give you. Thats crazy as medication can help you cope but will NEVER cure you. EVER. Others will sit and talk with you and take your money every week and as people on here will testify, they are not cured. Because anxiety will not be cured by talking. In fact my own doctor calls me to help him with patients suffering with anxety becaue he cares enough about his patients not to fobb them of with tablets. He knows it doesn't work. The worlds biggest authority on anxiety  Charles Linden is not a trained person as you put it BUZZ. How can they train us when they dont know anythng about the condition. EX anxiety sufferers are the experts on these conditions. Just ask people on here who are exhausted looking for answers from the ''trained'' people and yet they are no better. And BUZZ, if you know so much as being in a position to contradict me and what i have posted, why are you on here and suffering from anxiety? Anxiety is a sub-conscious anxious habbit and there is not one case of anxiety disorder that is case specific to cure. Everyone's anxiety is case specific but their developed disorder is not and neither is the curing of it. Thanks for reading. Alan.

buzz  Posted: 13/08/2009 10:35

Hi Alan M I am curious what PROPER training have you done in this area? What are your qualifications? People suffer from anxiety for many varied reasons and you cannot put them all into one box and say "this is scientific fact". You say that you know what you are talking about and that you "have been there" but you forget that so have we! And in fact some of us ARE still "there" so please stop being so preachy. If you want to recruit patients this is not the place to do it, and I would appreicate if you showed a little more respect for the people who post on here, and who find that it helps them through the day.

You suffered from anxiety, you found something to help you combat it and that's great-well done. But please remember that solutions are case-specific and what is right for one person is not necessarily right for another. You do more harm than good coming on here telling people that they are making themselves worse.

I am sorry but that needed to be said because you are coming across as quite arrogant in your efforts to portray yourslef as the all knowing born again ex anxiety sufferer.

I have no doubt that you are trying to help, and now that you are improved of course you are going to want to share your good news and relay the methods that worked for you, but try a little more tact next time, instead of stamping all over people who are already vulnerable.

Thank you.


Alan M  Posted: 12/08/2009 18:52

Part of my post is missing - to those who are using The Linden Method, it will work for you, but i will say this : you have to know the meaning of everything it tells you. understand it all completely or it will not work properly. I can help you in this way if you need it so dont hesitate to contact me. or 0860785019 can i just add that i do not work for anyone , nor am i selling anything. Everything i post is in the interest of freeing those suffering from anxiety disorders and helping carers of sufferers to understand how to play their role in their loved one's recovery. Alan.

Alan M  Posted: 12/08/2009 18:19

Hi guys , just checking in with ye. Please remember that I do know what I am talking about and that everythiing I say is scientific fact. I promise you that. To those who go to talking therapy for their anxiety, take this as fact - talking about what started your anxiety will help you to take ownership of that problem/situation but it will in no way cure or help you cure your anxiety. Remember you are not just anxious at a situation like anyone can, you are at a level higher than that because you have anxiety disorder. That is different than being just anxious. I'm talking here to those who have being diagnosed with anxiety disorder of one kind or another. When your level of anxiety is inappropriate or intrusive , then you have an underlying anxiety problem. People in this situation then react and view everything through anxiety tinted glasses. So sitting down every week talking about what started your anxiety may spark off thoughts or new reactions which your anxiety will latch on to and then you could get worse that when you started. You need to attack your anxiety and everything else will take its place in your life once the anxiety stars retreating. I have been there and seen this work so many many times. ~The cause of your anxiety is irrelevant to you freeing yourself from anxiety. And to those who will post horrible things about what im saying here, please dont bother and dont ruin it for those who do want the correct help.  Till next time . Alan :)

buzz  Posted: 12/08/2009 15:09

Hi Billybob glad you are doing well, keep it up and we can all be inspired by your strength!

Kay I feel as if I am somewhat to blame for upsetting what is (as you quite rightly pointed out) a safe haven. I am sorry I should not have reacted so quickly I guess I just don't see the point in people posting here about how they do not like to post about theory being that if they dont like it...why are they here? Anyway moving on, hope you are keeping well. You must be brave to attend therapy to cope with your past. I only barely admitted once (to a teacher I trusted) about what had happened in my past, and have never really spoken of it since.

buzz  Posted: 12/08/2009 09:47

MC to be honest it really does sound like you are just here for an argument, and I am not interested in that. I do not care what my posts say about you or me. Like I said, if this does not work for you, why are you still posting here? Each to their own please.

Kay  Posted: 11/08/2009 21:20

Oh my god. what has happened to my safe haven?  This forum has been a part of my life for the past two years and I have made some good friends on it.  Now I  am almost afraid to check my e-mails because im scared what is going to be said.

Buzz, I know you are right.  I know that for me personally, my anxiety stems from childhood abuse and I am presently in therapy for that.  By the way to all concerned, therapy is talking about anxiousness and tracing back the years to see why it all started and what caused it.  There is always, always a cause for anxiety.  Maybe sometimes its not even that obvious what it is, but there is always a cause. 

This forum is supposed to be about supporting each other and giving help and tips to each other.  Alan and mc your opinion counts, of course it does.  But I suppose our main concern is that you both seem to be leaning towards not speaking of anxiety and  I know no matter how much I say  here that nothing will change your minds on that.  Mc. I had anxiety since i was 15, I ran from it, blocked it out, and got busy.  It caught up with me at 39 yrs old.  With a vengence.  I had no choice but to face my demons.  Its been hard.,and there were times I could barely breath but I have come on in leaps and bounds. My life had done a complete turn around. Im not there yet and still have some stuff to deal with but the benefits of therapy for me, my hubby, children and friends has been a domino effect. The bottom line is "different folks, different strokes".  No treatment can do all, some believe therapy is the only way, some believe meds and others alternative treatments but it doesnt matter what it is as long as it suits the person doing it. 

so please guys, help each other not argue.  Hi Helen, Frances, where are you guys.  Hi Tom keep talking.  Kay.

Billybob  Posted: 11/08/2009 18:29

Hi Buzz,

I'm doing good, thanks for asking.  Not sleeping well but that's to be expected.  Not medicating myself with anything either, even came off the anti depressants over a month ago (and no ill effects).  Still a bit tense and uptight (as others have commented) but my meetings will help with that.

Alan - apologies if I misinterpreted your posts.  I've seen similar posts which usually were people selling something.  Reflex action on my part.

Hope everyone is well.

m c  Posted: 11/08/2009 16:57

Oh my God - i can not believe how my post has been interpreted. Your anger has really shocked me. You have really taken every single word i said, the wrong way. But to be honest i think that says more about you than it does about me.

I was merely telling you how i see it - for me. How i feel. How the more think that I do - the worse it is for me. What makes MY anxiety worse. What I suffer with. How the thinking drives ME crazy. I was talking about my experience and how this is for me. That's all. No more. No less. I wasnt suggesting this is how you or anyone else feels. I know not everyone has the same story / the same history / the same probelms / or the same relationship with their anxiety and I think if you re-read my post -you will realise that. I was talking about me and how it feels for me. I was talking about it from the perspective of what I am going through (which is what I thought this forum was about?!)

I'm shocked.

buzz  Posted: 11/08/2009 16:29

Hi Billybob how are you doing today? Hope all is well at the moment. Cheers

buzz  Posted: 11/08/2009 14:39

Hi mc you are incorrect. You are entitled to say what you want here and no it is not a case of "something that we dont want to hear" just the same as WE are entitled to say whatever WE want to say here even though it may not be what YOU want to hear.

Not everybody who suffers from anxiety related disorders does so out of habit.

Not everybody who suffers from anxiety related disorders can "switch" off their anxiety switch.

Not everybody who suffers from anxiety related disorders does so through their own patterns of thought. SOME people actually have histories of childhood sexual abuse, alcoholism, poverty, mental illness, divorce, illness, bereavement, tragedy etc.

Not everybody who suffers from anxiety related disorders wishes to pill themselves up and bottle everything inside just to placate and appease those who do NOT wish to be reminded of their OWN issues.

If you do not wish to discuss YOUR anxiety then you are under no obligation to return to this site, but please leave it free for those of us who are big enough and old enough to know what is best for ourselves!

Tom  Posted: 11/08/2009 14:35

Hi all, I too have bought the Linden Method and have read through it. We anxiety sufferers are caught in a terrible bind, the lonlieness is unbearable, I  know I have myself sick with anxiety and cannot seem to get a handle at all on the issue. I am trying  distractions but because I lead such a secluded & solitary life I  do not know any distractions. No money to get therapy is adding to the stress. Feel I am been punished and at my wits end for any help and pointers. Alan any help would be gratefully received   

m c  Posted: 11/08/2009 09:21


I know it hurts the people who take comfort from talking to others on this site but I agree with you - the more you think about something the more it drives you mad! I just think and think and think and by the the time I'm finished i'm in the grips of a panic attack. And the only thing that caused it - me! The only time i dont think about the things that worry me is when I'm really really busy. Work / study / life etc has been really crazy for the last year and while i was a little stresed - i didnt feel any anxiety about things that worry me or have a single panic attack. But as soon as things get quite all my fears & worries come flooding back - and the anxiety has me again - along with the panic. 

The more i read on this site - the more I get sucked into the world of anxiety & by hearing what other people are going through it just validates that its "normal" to feel this horrible way. Like i cant help it in some way. I know that's not what everyone want to hear & that this site gives you comfort in knowing you are not alone but for me it just makes me think about it more. Reading this site - reading the net - it just makes me concentrate on how i feel & makes it worse. I keep thinking that this is something that I'm predisposed to ( cos look at the others that have it). This must be normal -there's lots like me!! And before you know it - i stop questioning why I am this way & i accept is as being "just the way i am". Like all the others. I cant help it. Either can they. We;re just unlucky in life to have this burden.

But then i think i can change this. We're not born anxious! We have choice. We just have to find that switch in ours heads that makes us think differently about things. That switch that other people have and that I'm soooooooooooooo jealous of.

I know that sounds simple and that the magic switch that turns your thinking head off is the hardest thing to find. You think you never will. You think you cant. You think YOU''RE different, you dont think like others, they're lucky, they have it naturally while you cant turn your thinking head off that makes you sick, anxious, panicky. It's like having a toothache that you can never get rid off and it makes you want to rip your head off, turn out the lights or run away. But you know you cant run away. No matter where you go - your thinking head comes with you. You can never get away. Never turn your thinking off. The worry, the fears, the sickness, the palpatations, the pains in the chest, the night sweats, the attacks - whatever it is that you experience -you can never get away. I have been desperately searching for the switch that turns my thinking off - for years - and i'm yet to find it. I try by keeping myself so busy that it hurts - but i cant keep busy forever!!!

I'm trying the Linden method but not gettng very far-so could do with what ever advice you have! The main advice seems to be re: diversion and I'm trying my best. But as I said - I cant keep busy forever! And as soon as I stop - its back. Like a bad smell!! Also - the main problem is that i cant distract myself from the source of my anxiety. I know the real source is just the way i think - but i mean I cant distract myself from the person that pushes my anxiety buttons. And i shouldnt want to either because they are a very good person & are not doing anything wrong. If anything - they are too good - and I worry about it all going wrong or something happening to them. So its me and my thinking that produces the anxiety not them but as long as they are in my life - I'm afraid I cant get away from feeling like this. I have something really good and am afraid of losing it and the irony is - if I dont stop worrying about losing it - i wlll lose it!!! A horrible vicious circle.....

I know the starting point for me has to be to stop reading or talking about it - so i dont think I'll be posting again - so I mailed you instead.

To everyone else - i hope you find the strength to turn the corner and recover. As they say - you can get busy living or you can get busy dying!! And i certaintly dont want to be defined or remembered by my anxiety!!! I dont want people standing over my grave & talking about the fact that I destryed all the potential that i have by worrying about it. And i'm guessing that you dont either - so best of luck in finding the way out. If i do - I'll let you know!! x

Alan M  Posted: 10/08/2009 14:30

hi BJ, there are so many people in your situation, and i used to  be as well. It can be such a financial burden in the end as it all costs money and working to get that money is difficult too. Please contact me by e mail or phone and i can help you. Details are below. Thanks. Alan.

bj  Posted: 09/08/2009 03:01

Thanks Alan for your words of encouragement. I have been in this situation for a very long time and I cannot get back on track. I have been on meds for many years, they don't change anything, they just make a bad situation worse, but I'm afraid to try to come off them and I don't have the money to get help anymore. If you can give advice, then I for one would gladly take it on board.

buzz  Posted: 07/08/2009 14:48

Great my partner is acting the IDIOT again. Now I am expected to go all the way across Dublin with her tonight to visit her mum (second time this month) HELLO I am tired I have been up early for work all week, my partner is unemployed, does not get up til 12 most days so doesnt give a s*** basically that I might want to stay in the house on a Friday night. We will end up sitting there until 2 in the morning, my partner will get drunk and I will have to pay for taxi home. Then of course if I want to vist MY mum tomorrow there will STILL be war. I feel like walking away... If there is one thing I hate is people being inconsiderate.

Alan M  Posted: 06/08/2009 20:10

Hi, i have to respond to your comments. Firstly i did not say that you should not talk about your feelings or problems. I AM NOT SELLING ANYTHING. I said that you should not discuss them on a daily basis comparing them to others. Speak about other things. Anybody who is a fully recovered anxiety sufferer would tell you that what i say is true. I'm am very sorry if you felt hurt by what i said as i no way intended it to be that way. Nobody knows more than me that anxiety and panic is a very serious thing. In panic attacks, an underlying fear can be of dying as what we feel is so intense, we fear we are dying. I just wanted you to know that will not happen to you. That is to help you and not to patronise you. Am i a medical professional?? Hell no. Thankfully. I worked with Charles Linden to cure me of my anxiety. Creator of The Linden Method. I worked with him one on one. He is the world's leading authority on all anxiety related disorders. he completely cured me. Now i help people do the same as in help them get on track and go to the right people. If the medical profession and hypnotherapists and talking therapists were so good then none of us would ever need a site like this. People with anxity tend to act this way. I did too when i worked with Charle's method. But i listened and i soon learned that he was right. Anxiety is a subconscious anxious habit. He has cured thousands of people and i came on here to help those for free who need it, who may not have the money etc to get the corrrect help. Im speaking here > to those who have general anxiety disorder, panic disorder, fears & phobias and obsessive complusive disorder. Nobody else as i cannot speak of any other disorders. Cognitive Behavioural therapy is traditionally the best anti-anxiety treatment. that is behaviour. change you behaviour to get rid of the anxiety. so that proves that anxiety is bad bahaviour. a bad habit of behaving badly. To everyone who may have been offended by my post, please except my sincerest appology. But also know that i know what im talking about. I have been there.  So my words are not spam. And i have felt the reality of thi> s. But i had to face up to the truth of anxiety and believe things that i felt were outragious about this condition. And i finally beat it and i just wanted everyone here to know that they too will beat it. I wanted my experience to save you years of false hope and get straight to the help that will free you of this. The people that i have helped said the exact same things to me that people have said on here. how dare i this and that. But in the end they knew i was right and what Charles Linden thought me was 100% fact and now they are recovered too. Little is known about curing anxiety among medical professionals, so please open your mind to the few lots of people in the world that have thousands and thousands of recovered anxiety sufferers to testify that the things i have told you are fact. I am happy to give anyone on here phone numbers to contact those people etc. and i can give you a few tips to hold you over. Take care and thanks for > taking the time to read this. Alan.

Billybob  Posted: 06/08/2009 16:56

The first steps are always the hardest I find.  Yes am pleased I found the strength to do it - who knows where I could end up if I don't do this.  Thanks for your post. 

Part of my problem had always been an inability to communicate with my family.  This started during my teenage years but carried on into early adulthood.  As soon as I moved out I found I could communicate better with them.  I visit regularly (although still not as much as I should) and I enjoy spending time with them now.  I was always rather envious of people who could maintain close relationships with their families.  But I now understand that the problem was with me and not them.

Hope things are going well for you today.

buzz  Posted: 06/08/2009 15:52

Hi Billybob thanks for the update and it's good to hear that you are doing well. Some big first steps there you must be pleased? I always got on well with my family, but I find since leaving home (and I still consider it home) we get on even better.

Billybob  Posted: 06/08/2009 15:29

Hi all,

I too am surprised that spam is permitted on this site.  In fairness Alan - any good therapist/counsellor or whatever it is you're selling would not feel the need to advertise their services through a website discussion group designed to help people who suffer from similar ailments to support one other.  None that I know of would anyway.

Sorry never got back to you Buzz but to answer your last question I am closer now to my family than I ever was before.  We weren't that close when I was living at home but once I moved out I managed to develop some sort of relationship with them.  They're good people (but in small doses) and I would hate to let them or myself down again.

I'm feeling ok today - made some important decisions about my life and where I am headed.  I have gone back to AA and feel good about that.    I am also going to contact my old psychotherapist and arrange to meet to help with the social anxiety I can suffer from, which ultimately makes me pick up a drink or a drug.  Once I made these decisions it felt like a weight had been lifted off me.  While nervous I made it through my first meeting in years and now feel I can do it.  Thankfully.

Take care all.  I will continue to check posts here regularly and share my experiences with others if I feel I can offer any help or advise.  Thanks.

buzz  Posted: 06/08/2009 15:02

spoke too soon...

buzz  Posted: 06/08/2009 09:10

thanks Frances am doing quite well today so far (I know I know it's still early!) hope you are keeping well yourself.

Kay  Posted: 05/08/2009 21:38

Oh, and Alan, medication has its place and time in healing for some people. It can sometimes get you through the emergency stage to see clearer. Its wrong to tell people that meds don't work.

Kay  Posted: 05/08/2009 21:36

O.K. Not one for expressing my anger easily (its an Irish thing), but Alan, what the hell load of crap you have posted here? You are doing more harm than good by posting this stuff. Are you a registered therapist, a phychiatrist, a hypnotist what?????? I actually dont know where to begin, but I am appalled and disgusted by what you said. It's complete and utter rubbish and I am too surprised at this being allowed on the forum.

Talking is the best way, telling and letting out fears and worries. Not ignoring them. Ignoring anxiety and panic only drives it upwards. I know this from experience.

Frances and Buzz, well said you guys.

Frances  Posted: 05/08/2009 18:32

My God Alan, I never heard such rubbish in all my life!!!!!! I attend a day hospital for depression/anxiety and we are told to talk to people about our problems. We all know the medications for depression are not going to cure us but we need them to lift our spirits.

I hope you're not offering YOUR advice to patients. Panic attacks ARE VERY serious

- you clearly haven't experienced a REAL one and God help you if you do.

Well said BUZZ - I hope you're keeping well


buzz  Posted: 05/08/2009 09:25

Finally, Alan if you actually HAVE suffered from panic attacks as you claim you have then you would realise how utterly ridiculous and condescending your post is re people not DYING from panic attacks. of course they dont DIE but in the moment when that panic takes over, all rational though t leaves ok To tell someone "there there it'll be ok sure whats the matter its not as if you're going to DIE" is completely partonising and quite frankly, NO help whatsoever. I had my first panic attack when I was ELEVEN. Do you think that was just a "bad habit" that was "out of control"? Habit of what exactly? I had never had one before it just hit me BANG out of NOWHERE.

buzz  Posted: 05/08/2009 09:20

Anxiety and related disirders are NOT physical or mental illnesses. They are nothing more than a bad habit gone out of control. FACT.

Is this guy for real???? This is completely untrue. A "bad habit"? Way to patronise people who are ALREADY feeling low! I simply cannot believe that such DRIVEL was allowed filter through!

buzz  Posted: 05/08/2009 09:19

Alan please do not take this the wrong way but your post is not exactly helpful either. If people want to share their feelings (and you should realise that for some this is their ONLY outlet) then so be it. Perhaps we should all go away, bottle our feelings inside and drug ourselves silly with anti anxiety meds. There is no "monster" that you speak of.

Alan M  Posted: 04/08/2009 14:57

Hi guys, im Alan , im new and have posted once before which is below. I am a recovered GAD , Panic disorder and ocd sufferer. I now work with people who are suffering and use a few simple rules coupled with the psychology of anxiety, to get them well and back to a full and happy lafe again. Some of the posts i see here are inappropriate and not helping those who are suffering. Contrary to belief, speaking about your anxiety on here only serves to feed that monster within you , which keeps it alive and well. Remember , the medical profession is there to provide medication. That is their job. And that never cures anxiety or related disorders. Never has and never will. Coming on here and discussing your symptoms and keeping people up to date will only serve to perpetuate your anxiety and will make others think they have some other illness because their symptoms are not the same as yours and vice versa. This site is there to ake friends and know that you are not alone. Remember some of the following

1. Anxiety and related disirders are NOT physical or mental illnesses. They are nothing more than a bad habbit gone out of control. FACT.

2. OCD, fears & Phoboas , Panic Attacks are symptoms of anxiety not stand alone conditions.

3. Anxiety can mimic symptoms of depression but having clinical depression is a different matter altogether.

4. Doctors dont know how to cure anxiety. They will prescribe you medication.

5. Medication only masks your symptoms but the underlying problem is still there.

6. Nobody has ever been cured by medication and often face an addiction to that medication which in time will have to be withdrawn correctly.

7. Nobody has ever died from a panic attack. EVER.

8. Your symptoms, no matter how horriffic, cannot harm you in any way. and trust me, i know how intense they can be.

9. Don't try solve each individual symptom you feel, as it only exists because you anxiety drives it and as soon as you are shown how to tackle it, all of your horriffic feelings, thoughts , emotions, fears etc, will all just fade away.

I could go on and on but think about the above. I have helped enough people to know that what i do works every time regardess of how long you have suffered, be it 2 days or 40 years. If you need help contact me on or 0860785019.


buzz  Posted: 04/08/2009 10:44

Having very panicky morning, have realised it is less than two months until I go on holidays with Mum and Dad and still have not told partner. Is is normal to feel this nervous about taking a four day break? I am DREADING telling my partner about this holiday, and have been for months!

Kay  Posted: 02/08/2009 21:42

Hi Frances, I too check in the forum and not post.  Glad you are slowly seeing the light.  Most of the battle is to talk and tell.  Just to tell someone "Yeah, I am having a bad day" or "I feel very desperate" is scarey but essential to releasing the anxiety attached to it. 

Tom, glad to hear from you.  I know this sounds terrible and I know I dont know your mother, but I am mad with her for draining you.  I understand shes old and she's ill and I have to make allowances for that.  Tom, I have spoken at great length about my mother in particular on this forum and understand how exhausting it is running around after a parent who probably didnt do a great job raising us in the first place.  Forgive me for being mad with your mother, its just my first reaction but probably not the best one under the circumstances. Keep posting Tom.

Hi Helen and Anne.  Where are you two??? 

Alan M  Posted: 02/08/2009 17:40

Hi all, i have to say i am shocked at what i am reading here. People in hospitals and taking huge level of meds for anxiety. Its not right and not helping in the slightest. ANXIETY IS A BAD HABIT AND IS NOT A PHYSICAL OR MENTAL ILLNESS. the medical profession do not understand any of the anxiety disorders and thieir job is to prescribe medication. ~Fact !!! Please take it from me, someone who has been to the pits of this disorder and back and who is fully recovered, that i am right in what i say. I work with people to eliminate their anxiety so they can live their lives again. Any new sufferer coming on here could freak out at seeing people posting things like going to hospitals as resident for anxiety or accepting that anxiety is a mental illness. Without fail , every sufferer of anxity or related disorders, will get better by following a few simple steps and living their lives with full knowledge of whats going on. Its the only way to get well and its not too difficult either. I have seen it work time and time again. Plus i have been there before you. Also, discussing and reading other peoples daily experiences on sites like this causes all sorts of panic and confusion amongst sufferers as they may start thinking it will happen to them or they must have something else becaue they dont have what someone elso has. The daily experiences are irrelevant , as are the symptoms, as everyone is different. Also the core issue must be tackled and not the various symptoms. When the anxiety is tackled and it retreats, then all these symptoms or sensations will simply fade away.  By talking about your anxiety you are feeding the monster and keeeping it alive and well. Sites like this are for support and to meet people in similar situations to make friends. Anybody who wants help to be well again may contact me on 0860785019 or e mail i am sorry to sound harsh but trust me when i say that anxiety sufferers need straight talking and clear instructions on how to get well, and the things that cure them & those that make them worse. Isn't it time you took your life back???? Stop all this now and allow me to show you how to get well once and for all from this second on. Its easy to come off meds once you know how and get the correct help. The anxiety scale is huge so stop reading into it and making yourself worse. Contact me if you need me. Bye for now. Alan Smile

Frances  Posted: 01/08/2009 18:52

Hi everyone and thanks Buzz for asking how I am - that means a lot to me!!!!!!!!!

I'm up and down like a yoyo. The shrink has upped my meds as I had a very bad episode on Weds. It was my birthday and had planned to go out with a few friends but for some reason I fell into the "big black hole" and couldnt even wash myself let alone get dressed. The day hospital I attend is, I have to say, fabulous. They ring when you don't turn up and will call out to see you if necessary. They also ring for a chat at weekends so I don't panic about weekends anymore - I have great support from them. If someone had asked me a year ago would I go to a day hospital for mental illness I would have said "No, I'm not mad", but I would now recommend them for anyone with depression/anxiety - they've changed my outlook on life. I still get days when I want to end it all but they're getting fewer & fewer.

So you guys, we're not alone!!!  If you're offered professional help TAKE IT.

I hope you all get through the weekend safely - keep writing. I may not always write to you but I tune into the forum on a regular basis.

Kindest regards and good luck

Frances XX

Tom  Posted: 01/08/2009 13:02

Hi everyone, hope you are all well. Not having a great time of it lately, mother ill and very demanding any time I visit her in hospital.  I was made redundant in one of the jobs that  I do for a living, they got somebody younger and cheaper, this recession is certainly hitting hard. To Alan M I am very interested in what  you say,  I live in the greater Dublin area so Cork is a bit away, If you are interested in assisting people, I would be very grateful for contact details and details of your book  Buz and Billybob hang in there and regards to all especially Kay Ann Helen and Patricia

buzz  Posted: 31/07/2009 15:17

Hi Billybob thanks for taking the time to post. I feel like th end may be in sight (well let's face it it is always in sight ha ha) but I am not sure how much more I can take of this. Now it is the long weekend so three days off work. One would think it reasonable to spend two of the days at "home" with partner and one with family/friends? To me that is not unreasonable though correct me if I am wrong? But I just KNOW there will be problems if I try to "escape". I tend to leave early on this day to get as much time as possible with family, so I leave around partner is in bed sleeping til about 12:30 and then I come home around there are only 6.5 hours where my absence is notable...and I STILL get shit. I'm like, "am I supposed to go there and turn on my heels and come right back?". God!!

It sounds like you really do want to sort things which I think we both know whatever the problem, KNOWING that it exists and WANTING it to change is a huge chunk of the battle so keep strong. Dont berate yourslef, we are only human, life would be easier if we were perfect but we are not. Nobody is. Are you close to your family?

buzz  Posted: 31/07/2009 10:59

Another episode last night, my partner decided to pick a drunken fight with a skanger on the way home. God it was terrifying-you know those "type"...the ones that hang around the city centre intimidating people into giving them cigarettes and change etc and how dare you refuse. Anyway these were big people but my partner got so angry and dragged me into it I thought I was going to end up dead. Then home, more drink... God I hate this. Dreading the long weekend now, will be a big saga if I try to spend time with parents or friends how dare I ha ha I am sooooo inconsiderate.

Billybob  Posted: 30/07/2009 22:21

Hi Buzz,

Congratulations you have begun your first steps towards recovery. You did exactly what needed to be done and evaluated your relationship with your partner. Next step is to fix the issue and to be IN CONTROL OF YOUR life once more. I'm delighted for you. It may not come easy and may take some time but needs to be done. Well done, you deserve a pat on the back for that. Sometimes the hardest thing we can do is look at what causes our problems as we know where it may lead. I hope this means you can take the necessary steps to take back control of YOUR life and do whatever necessary to make yourself happy and content.

I haven't been around here much lately, lurking again but not posting, but things seem to have taken a turn for the worst here. So far haven't been able to stop drinking - still at it daily. Beginning to worry about the long term health implications of it. In AA they used to say to me "great you managed to stop this time but sometime in the future you may not stop" and I used to think "BULLS**T I'l always stop". This time however every day I promise myself no more but come finish time in the office it's "ah just 6 cans.......". I'm really starting to worry again, which makes me drink more. In a lot of debt since the downturn (was always in debt but didn't seem to matter in the good times) and even though drinking costs a lot of money it seem easier to drink than face up to my current situation which, of course, exacberates the problem. Really need to get my head together but seems easier to bury in the sand. Other drugs now becoming an issue again (tho not illegal ones) and I'm very worried. Drink/drugs reduced me to shit already and almost lost me my family many years ago. I swore I'd never get back into this again......but here I am. God help my family, I don't want to let them down again.

Anywho, I'mvery happy to read your last post. It sounds like you've got the acceptance, or "confirmation", that you needed. I really hope you can now make a decision and decide what you deserve in your life and move on from current turmoils.

Frances - I hope things are working out for you and that you are feeling better.

Hi to everyone else who reads/posts here and hope things are good for you all.

buzz  Posted: 30/07/2009 12:07

Hey all, just having a scout around the internet here (god bless wiki how ha ha) I found some interesting articles that I feel really sum up my controlling and weirdo partner, which is good, because now I have clarification that I am NOT going crazy! I found this article on "how to deal with an impossible person" my my doesnt it show my partner up. EVERYTHING in it pertains to our situation. Some people who have had similar experiences in the past may recognise some of the following examples:

"Impossible people have complete mastery of "blaming" skills. We (the partners) are told on a regular basis that every conceivable thing is our fault....chances are the more often they blame you, the more they themselves are actually at fault"

"they need to be treated like children...remember what happened the last time you tried to have a civilsed discussion about the status of your realtionship...every such attempt ended in you being blamed foreverything"

"impossible people tend to have amazing memories...laundry list of complaints against you...will seize anything that provides them with the opportiunity to lay the blame"

"give up self their minds you are already guilty no matter what"

"understand that eventually you and the impossible person will have to part ways...abandon all hope of "fixing" the situation"

" are going to be accused of much of this behaviour yourself...if an impossible person looks at this text, to them it will look like a page against YOu"

Well my partner certainly does tick all the boxes. Going from possessive (dependant)and controlling to this, trying to make me feel like I am at fault. I was starting to think I was but now I am not sure.

Alan M  Posted: 29/07/2009 19:24

Hi all, my name is Alan and i have just found this site. I am shocked at the horror that poeple are going thorugh and they seem to find getting proper help a problem. I know how this feels. Trust me i know. I am a fully recovered GAD, Panic Disorder and OCD sufferer. I now help people who suffer with these and other related disorders. YOU ARE NOT SICK IN ANY WAY. The medical profession will only give you medication which will mask your symptoms and the underlying condition is still there gathering ground. Plus you can end up with an addication to the medication which will only serve to make it all worse. Once you understand the pshchology of these conditions, how they work and why they work in this way, you will instantly be on the road to recovery. Then with a few simple tried and tested rules in which you will practice, you will recover so quickly and easily you won't believe it. It doesn't matter if you have suffered for 2 weeks or 40 years , you will recover. Even if you are taking medication. Let today be the day you won't allow this to ruin your life. I am not a medical professional, thankfully, but i am an expert. Why?? Because i have been to hell and back and i know how to fix it. I live in Cork but i will help you no matter where you are. Don't suffer. Get back to your old self. Contact me anytime. I can help you with GAD, Panic, OCD, Anxiety Fears & Phobias and PTSD. This is not as serious as you think. I know you feel horrible but once you understand and follow the rules , you'll be back to normal in no time. there is only one way out of this. Alternative therapies can help you but WILL NOT cure you. I am hoping to publish a book on my vast findings and experiences on curing these things. Take care for now. Alan.

Kay  Posted: 27/07/2009 22:17

helen, have a fab time you lucky duck. talk when you get back.  Kay.

Hi Frances, hope you are doing ok. I think of you often.  Tom where are you these days. I worry about you too when I dont hear from you for a long time.  Hi Buzz and everyone else. I suppose its a good sign when there arent too many posts because it must mean that everybody is doing ok.  For this i am glad. talk soon my friends. Kay.

Helen  Posted: 25/07/2009 09:54

Hi everyone, just packing and off for 2 weeks so don't have much time to write, but wanted to wish you all well, you see you mean a lot to me!!

Kay hope you get a short break somewhere, its a long summer with kids and a hubby working all the time even if he is happy (which is half the battle in life :)!

Frances, sorry to hear the weekends are a nightmare but glad the weeks are safe and ok. You hang in there and hope the new meds are better, glad you are getting help even if its hard.

Buzz, how are you now??  hope you ok and as Kay said the new power you will yield in your relationship will be a great source of strength, you hang in there too!

Tom, how are things with you ? are you still up to your eyes minding your mum? have things progressed at all?

Billybob and Mort, hi and hope to get to know you better on this site!

xx talk to you all in a couple of weeks - Helen

Kay  Posted: 24/07/2009 23:35

Hi Frances, glad the centre is helping.  Are you up to doing some volunteer work , maybe in a local charity shop.  Most of which open on Saturdays and theres no pressure, if you decide to help out in such a shop then you just go into them and tell them you want to volunteer some time on a saturday, even if its only a couple of hours. If you decide some saturday that you dont feel like going in then just a quick text message to them and no pressure at all.  It might give you something to look forward to on the weekends.   I used to volunteer in a local charity shop one morning a week, and it gave me purpose when the kids were in school and I didnt feel so much in limbo.  Anyways  if you are not up to that just write.  I know I probably preaching now but writting is so good.  Write about the weird feelings and thoughts you have or the fears and worries you have or even the life you dream of having some day soon.  And you will Frances cause you are a good person and you deserve to have joy and peace in your life.  Please keep on looking forward with hope and know we are all thinking of you.  Kay.

Frances  Posted: 24/07/2009 18:00

Hi everyone and thanks for all your good wishes. I'm hanging on in there. The centre is very supportive and I'm grand and "safe" while I'm there but when I come home it's a different story and the weekends are a nightmare. The doctor is changing my meds AGAIN on Monday - hope the new ones work better than the Cymbalta.

Hope you are all doing well

Best regards


mort  Posted: 23/07/2009 19:45

Hi Frances

I'm new to this discussion board, hope you are keep well and holding on, i know its hard. Sounds by your last message you really doing well. Take care.


Kay  Posted: 16/07/2009 21:03

Buzz, your partner sounds like my mother. Needy, clingy and a complete vampire sucking out all your energy and will. The only way I can cope with my mum at the moment is to avoid her mostly. To-day I spent 5 hours with her and this has made me feel anxious and teary. She didnt say anything outrageous today(which is unusual) but I still look at her and see a huge disappointment. Buzz, you dont owe it to your partner to stay with them at the cost of your own health. We in this country in particular are thought that to think of oursleves and put ourselves first is selfish. Its like its in our blood. But its wrong because unless we are ok, confident and happy in our skin we are no good to anyone else. Now I still grapple with the consept of putting myself first too, but its changing slowly. Buzz, this change in your circumstances might make you confident enough to leave. Maybe now that you feel a balance of roles taking place it might be the boost you need to leave. keep well. Kay.

Kay  Posted: 16/07/2009 20:55

Hi to all. Helen, well the ironing service never materialised and Im glad for that ( I hate ironing) but the part time job is great and bringing in a little cash. The hubby is still working his butt off on a farm that he is not sure will be his when his father retires. Seven days a week he works, now his mother is throwing him a few bob and for this I am very grateful. We are doing ok financially for the moment but hubby still shows no sign of getting or even applying for a job. He is in complete bliss farming. He got redundancy pay and has now spent it all on renting a small bit of land and planting crops on it and assures me we will make a small profit. I want him to come away with me and the kids for a couple of days on a cheap break in a hotel but hes too busy!!!

Hi Frances, I am glad you are getting help. Its slow Frances so be strong. Going back through abuse will bring up all kinds of feelings and thoughts so please feel free to talk to me about it. You know my history. I really wish you the best. Keep in touch please.

Billybob  Posted: 15/07/2009 20:23

Hi Buzz,

Sorry to hear things have taken such a turn.  You're very obviously a good and kind person which is refreshing.  I hope things work out for you, you deserve it.  If you want a break with the family or to spend time with them at christmas do it.  With all your kindness try to remember that you must always come first.

buzz  Posted: 15/07/2009 14:39

Frances good to hear you are doing even slightly better. Nobody should underestimate the benefits of having an unbiased, non-judgemental professional on hand to discuss issues with. Friends and family are great but at times they are too close for us to confide in. It sounds like they have a nice structured routine there which is nice, routine and familiarity are important at difficult times I always find. keep posting and let us know how you are doing. x

buzz  Posted: 15/07/2009 09:57

Frances how are you doing it's a few days since we have heard from you? Hope you are on top of things? X

buzz  Posted: 15/07/2009 09:56

Hi Helen yes already my partner has become more dependant and clingy. Great :/ ah sure whats the point complaining. Yes actually I believe you are right there are 2 major things coming up which I feel we will clash over. I hope (and like to think) that when we do clash, I will stick to my guns and stand up for what I believe in. They are - going away with family for a few days which is still secret...and wanting to spend Christmas with family...I suspect these will cause major rows and I know who I wish to put first.

Billybob  Posted: 14/07/2009 19:37

Hi Frances,

We haven't met on this thread yet but I too am sorry to hear what you're going through and wish you well.  Hope things get better soon.  Take care.

Frances  Posted: 14/07/2009 18:38

Thanks Helen, Kay & Buzz,

Well I'm still on this planet and fighting hard to want to stay here. I'm attending a day hospital for mental health sufferers and I must say, it's a life saver. Absolutely no pressure but you can talk to a "shrink", a doctor, Phsychologists, social workers and there are great group sessions and different classes i.e yoga, art knitting, music etc. I stay from 11am have lunch at 1pm and finish at 3pm ish so it's making me get up off my "bum" and do something about my health.

They are also arranging for me to have counselling for the abuse so that's something positive.

I am hanging on by a VERY thin thread but I AM hanging on!

Hope you are all well


Frances xx

Helen  Posted: 14/07/2009 15:30

Hi everyone,

Frances I am very sorry to hear that things are/were so bad for you, it seems like only days ago that we were awaiting your return from US from that wonderful family reunion. I hope that you are getting all the support and care needed and take care of yourself. 

Buzz, what a dilemma you now face, minding the person that you wanted to leave so much, I hope that this could change the balance of power you seem to have lost so much, do you have enough left to mind this person ??? keep thinking about yourself now and not just the other person, you are not a burden at all, its just that its hard to hear someone in pain and not acting, its hard for the people around you to understand, but i believe something will happen that will let you leave, you wait and see :))

Kay, thanks for calling me a breath of fresh air!! don't know what i have done to deserve such a compliment so thanks :)) I remember enjoying your posts so much when you would tell us about your husband the "free farmer" and the in laws, you were in such good spirits then and the ironing service, how is it all going, how are things at home now with the summer holidays? Hope you are keeping your mother at a distance if that is required.


buzz  Posted: 14/07/2009 10:21

Hi BillyBob thanks for that you knwo I might just do that! Things took a turn yesterday somewhat, my partner is now in a very vulnerable position and only has me for financial support now, which means my hands are tied for the next while at least. I cant walk out on someone knowing that they will go hungry and be evicted without my help.

buzz  Posted: 13/07/2009 11:23

Frances how did you get on over the weekend? How are you holding up? I ahve to say, this little niche of a thread is a least I think it's great, to have somewhere we can share our worries and retain (hopefully at least!) anonymity. Hope you are doing well. x

Kay  Posted: 12/07/2009 11:45

wow i have just read all the posts over the past week and WOW.   Buzz, you have to leave your partner NOW, theres no-one here on this forum or in your life advising you to stay and try.  Everybody is saying leave. 

Helen, lovely to hear from you happy anniversary by the way.  I was wondering also where is Anne.  I hope shes ok.  Helen you are like a breath of fresh air. 

Frances, I am scared for you because in my worst times I am always afraid that I will try to do something too.  Not going to go into details now but you know my issues stem from childhood abuse.  My therapist told me that when I feel really low and panicky and afraid, to stop and think "do these feelings actually belong to now?"  What the exercise does is makes me realise yeah I feel anxious and panicky and so overwhelmed by these scary feelings but they have no place in my life now.  Theres nothing in my life now to cause me to feel this way so then the feelings are from the past, ones that I have buried deep inside me to survive. Frances, is there anything in your life right now that would make you feel this bad or is it feelings that seem to come from nowhere and for no reason, if so they are feelings from your past.  We dont feel bad for no reason, guys, there is Always a reason.     Also, these feelings have to come out.  If they dont come out they only come back some other way.  Depression in its definition means to press down or keep in. Hope Im not preaching.  see you guys soon. Kay. 

Billybob  Posted: 10/07/2009 21:04

Hi Buzz, don't worry you are not being a burden.  It is good to come on here and let it all out.  It's a relief to let it out in any shape or form.  I just don't think this board is enough and think you would really be better off speaking to someone.  I've done counselling and psychotherapy over the years and while not a permanent fix it does feel good to offload on someone.  They can also help deal with the emotions.

Oh and I wasn't kidding about the punch bag, if you train in a gym you should spend a few minutes punching the living daylights out of it.  Doesn't harm anyone but you will feel like you have let off some steam and perhaps the anger might subside.

Frances  Posted: 10/07/2009 19:43

Thanks Buzz, it's nice to know someone cares

buzz  Posted: 10/07/2009 15:42

Hi Frances be sure to keep posting and let us know how you get on. We are all here whatever our contribution may be. Stay safe over the weekend ok?

buzz  Posted: 10/07/2009 15:39

Hi Billybob thank you again, I will consider this. Apologies for being a burden on this thread.

Billybob  Posted: 09/07/2009 22:06

Happy Anniversary Helen!  You're right this is a great site.  Now that you mention it I just checked my own profile, I first signed up six years ago - that just shows you how good this particular site is.  I've joined many online discussion boards over the years but generally leave after a few weeks/months.  Six years on and I still post here so it must be doing something right :)

Hi Buzz,

Like Helen I am unable to offer any more advice.  You should definitely consider one of the suggestions I made (IMO) re support group or psychotherapy/counselling.  One thing is for certain you can't go on as unhappy as you are.  It will drive you mad and you will end up really resenting your partner.  You need to take action and soon before it has a serious impact on your health.  I wouldn't like to read a post by you saying you've snapped or lost the plot and done something you regret.  I really hope it all works out for you.  Keep posting here regardless, get it off your chest and if anyone on this website is able to help in any way I'm confident that they will.

Past few days have been very strange for me.  I posted previously that I was on anti depressants.  Lustral to be precise.  Well finished months last Saturday.  Due to a lot of unexpected bills this month wasn't able to get next months supply.  Thought nothing of it.  Generally I feel ok, good in fact.  But 3 times yesterday I suddenly burst into tears sitting at my desk in work.  None of my colleagues saw this thankfully.  Crying and not feeling sad (or happy) is a new one to me! Yesterday I was also feeling these shudders, or tremors if it's a better word, throughout my body.  Kept coming and going every few minutes.  Don't think it's noticeable on the outside.  It's like all my internal organs twitch or something.  Was worse today, while I'd no tears the "tremors" were much more frequent and much more intense.  Hard to explaine.  I wonder if it's withdrawals from the anti d's.  I didn't particularly feel any different when on them but maybe they were doing something and now that I've suddenly stopped my body is reacting.  Not sure, just think it's all very strange.

Frances  Posted: 09/07/2009 18:15

Hi all,

well, I don't know where to start. Have had the worst time of my life and don't remember all of it. To cut a long story short I took a very stupid step and tried to end it all. No trigger or explanation. Ended up in A & E and had a good chat with a phsychiatrist. I was then sent to another one in a clinic on Friday who changed all my meds (Lexapro 20mg gone and am on Cymbalta 60mg & the usual Xanax instead). It'll take a while to make a difference but couldnt be any worse than I felt. I now go to a day hospital for therapy and group sessions and hopefully that'll help to get me back from "the edge".

I'll let you all know how I get on.

Hope you are all doing better than me



Helen  Posted: 09/07/2009 14:18

Hi all, well its a happy 1st anniversary to me posting on Irish Health, so thank you web master/editor for keeping this site going !!

Yes its been a year since my first post (just found out you can read your own history by clicking on 'my previous postings") and I think we have all come a long way together so i am taking a moment to think of my old friends online, especially to Kay, Tom, (Anne where are you?) and my new ones, Buzz, Frances and Billybob, and everyone else who logs on and supports each other.

Buzz, i can't help you anymore with my posts as i feel you need more than advise, you need to DECIDE for yourself and this may feel quiet alien to you. You are not alone, we are here but put yourself out of this misery even for a break please.

Kay, I know you are angry and hurting and I am thinking of you and I hope you will vent some of that anger somehow.  It is justified anger and should come out so that you can have some peace. 

Tom, I hope you are coping well with Donald Duck at the moment, remember all the tips you gave me when i started on this site, exercise, breathing etc i hope you remember to do them too. I am swimming now and cycling and its making a difference. Look after yourself.


buzz  Posted: 08/07/2009 17:19

The prescriptive sweeties are sitting in my bag just asking to be taken. Dont know where this bout of panic has come from.

buzz  Posted: 08/07/2009 11:49

Panic attack now.

buzz  Posted: 08/07/2009 10:57

Another bout of anger today. Sick of this now. I got into an email fight with someone I dont even know over something I really dont care about and got sooo angry that I actually couldn't type because my hands were shaking! What's wrong with me???????

buzz  Posted: 07/07/2009 15:37

Hi Billybob at least you have decided to make changes that is a good start! I find whenever I dont smoke I actually dont miss them unless I am stressed and am pushed to the limit. Otherwise I think its habit (with me anyway). At times I crave cigarettes and then when I have one it makes me feel like shit anyway! I just endured another interrogation from my partner over the phone - where are you going, who are you going with, when will you be home, what time are you leaving at....god my partner just goes on and on and on..... I am SO SICK OF THIS!! I cannot pause to scratch my arse (excuse the term) without explaining why (and believe me my partner is not the type to be satisifed by "It was itchy" no no it would be "why was it itchy?" , "what time did it start being itchy?", "when do you think it will stop being itchy?" GOD!!!!! I am slowly going insane here what is with the neediness and insecurity and need to control every aspect of my life??????? Sorry EVERYONE for the ranting but I cant talk to my family or best mate any more. They know what my partner is like and cant understand (nor can I) why I stay so I dont think they want to hear it anymore and who can blame them?

Billybob  Posted: 06/07/2009 23:52

Hi Buzz,

I do understand where you're at - and anger is a natural emotion to be feeling right now.  I would suggest talking to someone, friend or family or even a counsellor or psychotherapist.  It may not be a permanent solution (speaking from experience) but it will certainly help in the meantime.  If you train the gym I'd also suggest a vigorous session with a punch bag.  It does help!  Hope things turn out for you.  I'd advise against pills - prescription drugs are supposed to be harder to quit than heroin.

I feel a lot better today I must admit.  Still drinking and smoking but suspect "D Day" (ie quitting time) is just around the corner.  At the very least I hope so!  It's been a difficult few weeks.  That may just be the drink speaking - past few weeks every day has been "D Day".  Sigh.........  still at least I'm starting to admit this to myself.

buzz  Posted: 06/07/2009 16:59

Hi Kay I think yes sometimes I am just a grump, I tend to be quite volatile and reactive but this person has brought out a side of me that is totally alien to me. Nobody else makes me feel that bad and there is nobody else in my life that I resent this much (there have been in the past of course but I ensure they are no longer a part of my life) so to be honest I think this person just brings out the worst in me! I have heard so many times about internalising anger and how it is so bad for us but I feel like I cant express it. I am expected to be meek, submissive and God forbid I complain about something it would turn into a saga!

buzz  Posted: 06/07/2009 16:54

Hi Billybob of course I am not going to take offence I appreciate your input and advcie. You know you could be right there I sometimes suspect (well am fairly sure) that my partner doesnt actually WANT me, but just doesnt want anyone else to have me, or doesnt want to NOT have me either. I sometimes feel like we both just make each other miserable and we are just waiting for the other person to get together the courage to say OK ENOUGH IS ENOUGH NOW!!! I sometimes feel bad for both of us that we have wasted so much time on each other. It's worse for my partner, being older and that.

Kay  Posted: 04/07/2009 11:38

Hi Buzz.  Ive been thinking about your situation a lot.  You have lots of anger inside you Buzz,  when somebody annoys you chewing their food etc. something which we found endearing when we first got to-gether its a sign of anger.   I am consumed with anger at times and when anger is not released it turns inside us.  It eats us up and makes us depressed and also causes panic attacks.  I know this because i am angry too.  I have yet to find a way to release this anger. I feel like breaking stuff, and screaming but i am afraid to let go in case I never get back up again. Buzz, I know at times my hubby irritates the hell out of me and I think "Is this it?"  I hate him sometimes and even him breathing annoys the hell out of me.  But I only feel like this when I am angry with life in general, I know my hubby is hugely supportive and he listens and encourages me to do things.  I suppose  my point is it is hard to be happy with partners, jobs etc when there is a huge ache inside us like a hole that feels like it can never be mended of filled.  Kay. Are you only like this buzz since you got together with your partner?

Tom, lovely to hear you I smiled when I saw your reference to guradian angels.  I didnt know you knew they existed.  Some people would laugh at the idea.  I too believe in them and they have helped me at times when I thought I couldnt breathe.

Billybob  Posted: 03/07/2009 21:21

Hi Helen/Buzz - thanks for the welcome.

Firstly, Buzz - please don't do anything to hurt yourself.  Nobody is worth that.  I can identify with the fear of the unknown and fear of change.  Have been there myself many times.  Please don't take offense at this but could it be a co-dependency thing?  If so, there are support groups for that.  When I first confronted my drinking demons I found the support of AA to be great.  Similar programme for Co-dep.  Can't think of the real name of the group now but I'm sure it can be googled.  Again please don't take offense.  I believe this is what my own fears of the unknown were about.

TBH I don't know why I'm so wound up and quick to anger Helen.  I've been like this for as long as I can remember.  I think it runs in the family as we all have a short fuse.  I tend to go through cycles - ups and downs.  Either inevitably leads to me picking up a drink and before I know it I'm drinking every night.  I'd be a daily smoker of the mary jane for many years now so that could also be a contributing factor.  My company is also now going through a period of change and there's a lot of uncertainty regarding the future, therefore moral is low.  Factor in the all the doom and gloom about the state of the country, exchequer numbers, live register increases, cuts in services and the fact that there's a bunch of muppets trying to sort it all out and failing miserably then that could explain the current spell. 

Buzz I do have good friends but my problem is that I don't turn to them when I need them.  I have an awful habit of going into myself when I get like this.  I try to avoid everyone by sitting in and getting rat arsed.  It's a phase that also comes in cycles but this particular bout seems to be neverending.  I mentioned things are strained with partner as we haven't seen each other in weeks but that's all down to me.  I start making excuses.  I will come around eventually.  These stressful times don't last forever.

It does feel good to let it all out here.  Thanks.

buzz  Posted: 03/07/2009 17:30

Thank you Freda for your kind words, so nice to know I am not actually going insane, I sometimes have my doubts! I dont know what I woudl do either without my family and best mate. I am blessed in some ways.

buzz  Posted: 03/07/2009 17:29

Hi Helen as selfish as this sounds I am actually more afraid of hurting myself than this person...such is how far I have been pushed....

Freda  Posted: 03/07/2009 15:55

Buzz, I was exactly in your position for a good few years. Everything u have described sounds the same as what I went through. I ended the marriage two years ago, and now thanks to not being able to sell the house, I still have to maintain contact with ex. But very seldom see him, he's moved on thankfully. The thing is, yes it does take alot of courage to end a relationship. And, if it was'nt for my family and friends I would be lost. I felt so stifled in a dead relationship, I actually felt I was losing my mind and my identity. Kept saying things will get better, he'll change etc, etc, etc. I was avoiding reality.

Be strong and mind yourself. You know what you need to do.

buzz  Posted: 03/07/2009 14:35

Hi Helen that does not suprise me that he has recently been dumped. At least know your curiosity is satisfied so you can really tell him to go to Hell! Some people are unreal! Has he contacted you again since? Or given any reason for contacting aside from the vague "like o catch up" line... suspicious...Do you know its funny what you said about needing something big to happen. It sounds really messed up (and I often felt guilty for having such thoughts because I have had friends in both situations before and would not wish it on anyone) but I often think it would be easier to leave if my partner cheated on me or hit me a box or something. I am not the type of person to seek out such treatment but I think somehow it would make it easier to leave if I had a solid reason for doing so. At least then I wouldnt be constantly fighting my "chatterbox" when it keeps telling me that I am over-reacting or that I just dont know how to be happy or that this is what relationships are supposed to be like. Moment of truth - I am scared. Scared of the CHANGE leaving would bring about. Scared of looking back and thinking I made a bad choice. Scared of having a complete nervous breakdown (even thinking about leaving gives me butterflies in my stomach and at times when I feel my partner may want to walk away I get this cold panic that I think will result in a total breakdown). I do not know how I would even PHYSICALLY cope never mind emotionally. It's the kind of panic that makes you want to run up and down screaming and shouting NO NO NO to try and unsay what the other person has said. I am so scared.

Helen  Posted: 03/07/2009 14:32

Buzz, you sound like you are driving yourself crazy with this relationship, what about taking a break first and going to your parents, go today now just do it!

Imagine how proud you will feel.

Why do you fear hurting this person so much?

Take care of yourself


buzz  Posted: 03/07/2009 12:22

Hi Billybob don't worry you are not waffling at all and you are right it does feel better to write/type stuff even just to lessen the burden a bit. It sounds like you are in a dark place at the moment, have you friends that you can draw strength from? Keep posting here anyway I find it's like a little cructch sometimes. Even though we are all strangers it's like a little sanctuary where we can come and discuss our fears etc. I know everyone believes I should walk away (and I do too!) but I am finding it physically impossible. I keep thinking well it might get better or "God we have been through so much together" or "we used to have so many dreams and plans" and "can I just throw all that away" but that's just me being all sentimental and romantic and silly. I need to ditch my rose tinted glasses, stop looking back and romanticising what was really a mediocre relationship at best and be clinical and critical and say No I DONT want to continue this because you turn me into someone I am not. You make me resent you...even when you scratch yourself or chew your food noisily I want to reach over and box you, you make me cynical and bad tempered and short fused and I feel like I am only a shadow of my former self with you. I develop feelings for other people because you leave me completely unsatisfied (and I dont want you anyway) and when I think about our future together I get chills down my spine thinkning I am always going to be in this rut.... But I still cant leave!! Is there something wrong with me? Should I maybe see about just taking a break? Is it easier to do it like that or go for a clean cut?

Helen  Posted: 03/07/2009 11:44

Hi Buzz, Tom, Frances, Kay and nice to meet you Billybob.

have just found out that my ex was recently dumped by his girlfriend Helen2 and is making a big fuss about it - that could be why he has contacted me so YES there was an ulterior motive as you all said. You see how shallow some people are, apparently she finally left him because of a problem in the bedroom department! Yeugh.

Buzz, you need time or something radical to happen to help you leave, what is stopping you really is it fear or something else?

Billybob, you too sound intelligent and self aware, why are you so wound up and angry? Writing here is the best medicine I have found so keep writing.


Billybob  Posted: 03/07/2009 01:01

Hi Buzz,

Don't worry, I'm not stalking you Smile. But I must say that you seem to have a good head on your shoulders.  You're obviously intelligent and you're well able to stand up to yourself.  You know yourself what you need to do.  I have previously told you of similarities with me and your partner in certain aspects.  I won't get into them now, I'm sure you remember.  All I can say Buzz is that the best thing you can do for this person is walk away.  For me to eventually sort myself out my family had to disown me, or turn their back on me.  I had caused so much hurt, fear and pain in the home that they could no longer tolerate me.  That's what it took for me to look at my issues.  Before they were everyone elses issues, everyone but me was in the wrong!  When I was alone (with the exception of some good friends) I had to have a long serious think about where I was going in life and what I was doing to the people around me.  I decided that I wanted more out of my life than hassle so made conscious decisions to change.  Eventually made up with family and now they mean so much to me.  I have such a good relationship with them all.  Sorry I'm waffling again.  All I mean to say is sometimes you need to let go, it's for the best, in order for the other party to mature.  It's not just me, some friends of mine swear to it too.

I've lurked on this thread a very long time now, identifying, but it's the one aspect of my life I've been fearful of dealing with.  I've been told I'm a very uptight person and to be honest I do feel very wound up most of the time and am very quick to anger. I also find I am very uncomfortable in social situations unless I have something to assist, i.e alcohol and/or drugs.  In my 30's now and can't believe I'm still at it.  Have a good job but of late have been finding it hard to have a conversation with my colleagues.  Think they've noticed a change.  Dr prescribed an anti depressant "Lustral" but dont' notice any difference.  I'm just struggling every day.  Been drinking a lot and my relationship with my partner is very very strained at the moment.  Been a few weeks since I've seen him.  I want to stop the drinking and the smoking (tobacco and other stuff) and get my head together but finding it very difficult to stop.  Sorry for going on but this has been my big dark secret for weeks now and I feel better even typing how it's been.

Hi Helen, probably not my business to say it but I'd say avoid him  If he emails you again delete them immediately.  You are the most important person in your life and you must do what's best for you.  If he in any way threatens your piece of mind or well being he's not worth it.  Keep deleting his messages, he'll soon get the message.  I wish you well.

buzz  Posted: 02/07/2009 17:12

Helen thank you so much for your kind words. I am so frustrated these days - can't stay....can't go....can't stay...can't go....GRR!!!!!! God you all sound like lovely people I wish you guys were my friends. I have one best mate (and don't get me wrong I love her to bits) but she is polite to a fault, and would never dream of saying anything bad about my partner, even when I really push her for an opinion.

Tom that does sound like a good idea re outpatients. Frances what do you think?

Tom  Posted: 02/07/2009 13:30

Francis, These are just feelings and very bad ones at that. I have been there several times. I will pass and keep telling yourself not to do anything stupid, your guardian angel will protect you if you ask. Keep writing to the forum. Think long and hard before admitting yourself, could you do it on an outpatient basis instead regards to all Tom  

Helen  Posted: 02/07/2009 11:55

phew no more emails from him today so it might be over, yes buzz i agree that there was not much physical abuse as i learnt not to cross him, you never know and one could lead to the other, Please think about this for yourself, you seem scared, why be scared we are here and we can help you out of this situation, you may find the strength and self worth here to help you leave, please please know that you are worth it and deserve a beautiful life with out your current partner, mine found someone else just like me when i left, she even had the same name!!

They don't care who they dominate as long as they are in total control.

Frances, i am sorry to read how down you feel, I can only repeat Kays advice and ask you to write here for relief and hopefully you will get the medical help you need  soon, please focus on seeing your family in the US or over here again and think of the wonderful future you have a head of you.

Tom, Kay how are you both? thanks for the advice, let me know how you are doing.


buzz  Posted: 02/07/2009 09:43

Frances what happened to send you on such a spiral? Are you ok?

buzz  Posted: 02/07/2009 09:42

Hi Helen he sounds very persistent. Maybe at this stage just ignore him. You have told him quite clearly that you do not want to see him. Does he know where you live/socialise/work? Maybe be a little cautious anyway while he is here. Ensure you stay around friends etc when you're out. We can never be too careful. I know that physical and emotional abuse are two very different things but often one can progress to another. That's the school of thought anyway. Sure do you know last week or the week before some time (no doubt after ANOTHER drinking binge) my partner told me that they were so angry at me that their hands and jaw were clenched. I remeber lying in bed thinkng "oh my God I could actually end up dead here. If this person decides to strangle me or whatever I could not defend myself". You always think if you are in that situation that the first thing on your mind would be to escape. You know all I could think of? I was trying to figure out how long it would take them to find my body! Mad or what! Anyway sorry for droning on all I am saying is be careful that you are not in a situation where you are on your own with him or on your own and could be followed. I dont think he is going to take a hint at this stage!

Kay  Posted: 01/07/2009 21:36

Frances, you have got to keep holding on to happy memories and the memories you have yet to make.  Think of your grandchildren in U.S and your daughter and think of the great time you had there.  Its natural to feel down now being home and away from them.  Frances, please hold on tight to your good memories and know that there are lots more to come.  Have you got support at home?  There is something driving these overwhelming feelings Frances, we dont feel crap for no reason. Write, write and write some more.  Get it out of your head and on paper if you cannt talk to someone.  Just get it out, like releasing steam. 

Helen, send your x's e-mail to junk.  As long as he doesnt know where you live then he cannt contact you.  Even if you are a little bit curious dont go there.  People like him have a great way of undermining others and miminilising the traumatic past that he caused you to have.  Hes a leech and you dont need him.

Hi Buzz and Tom hope you guys are doing o.k.

Helen  Posted: 01/07/2009 08:05

Hi everyone, 

Tom Buzz thanks for replying to me, i have emailed him saying i don't want to see him again and not to contact me, however this just sparked his interest and now he has written again asking me why and if i am angry with him for some reason!! jayney some people just don't listen do they :)

Anyway i spent too many years letting him boss me around so this time i am going to do things my way, but I still feel uneasy standing up to him after all these years.

Buzz i met him when i i was 22, so was a bit younger than you but was still there at 28, honestly looking back i feel he robbed me of my 20s. Luckily i really enjoyed my 30s and am now starting into my 40s and making every day count, that 20's decade doesn't count in my life and thats so sad but thats what happens.

I am so glad I can talk about this on this forum, it has really helped me and thanks for being there this week.

Tom how are you holding up ? How is your mum, are you getting some support, please write in and tell me how you are doing.

Buzz get the escape plan ready, please for me if not for yourself!


Frances  Posted: 30/06/2009 23:48

Helen all I can say is "Steer Clear". You clearly don't need contact with the "demon" and if I were in your shoes, I'd ignore the letter AND him - he clearly has an ulterior motive.

Sorry I haven't been writing but I'm not doing so well.

Doc trying to get me an in-patient place in the psych unit in James's or Tallaght Hosp. I'll know by Thursday. Losing my strength of character, I;m afraid and just want to end all the pain. Can't take much more. I nearly did something very stupid but lost my "bottle" at the last minute. Is this HELL ever going to end?????????

I hope you all well

Frances xx

Tom  Posted: 30/06/2009 13:40


I feel you should just write back and say that you do not want to meet him. From what you say in your post there is nothing to be gained by another meeting

Hope all are well


buzz  Posted: 30/06/2009 13:07

Hi Helen I do not feel qualified to offer advice, given the horrible situation I am in at the moment, I would feel like a hypocrite telling someone what to do when I cannot take my own advice! But certainly if you feel scared then it would be wise not to go. Your gut will tell you what is the right thing to do. It seems strange that he is contacting you after so long, but I dont think you should worry that he has seen your posts.

Helen  Posted: 30/06/2009 11:58

Hi buzz, kay and everyone,

you won't believe this but i have just received an email from my ex, the poisonous vampire one i ran away from all those years ago!!!!!!

i feel physically sick that he has written to me after 12 years, i think it is not a co-incidence that i have been writing on this forum and that this has come back to haunt me, i am in shock that he would want to see me he is coming to Ireland to visit friends and wants to catch up !!!! yeugh, i need to go and think about what to write back, i am still scared of him as all the feelings are flooding back now, but if i don't write back and tell him what i really think would i be missing a chance to finish this once and for all ?? any advice welcome.


Kay  Posted: 27/06/2009 11:20

Hi Buzz.  Your partner is the type of person whos own self esteem is so low that they have to make the one the supposedly love feel crap and like they couldnt be without them.  This type of person is very very needy and what I call a vampire because they are sucking the life out of you.  Buzz, you are only 25 you have  many many years ahead of you.  Think of it this way, if you had a son or daughter in your position, would'nt you want them to leave and get out? If you heard someone relaying this story wouldnt you wonder why the hell they stay?  I cannt imagine how difficult it must be for you, but there is hope and people do walk away from situations like yours.  They go on to have a life filled with joy and happinness but the only way to do this is leave.  Can you get your mom and dad to come and get you when your partner is out, just go and stay with your parents for a while and get back on your feet.  Dont answer the phone or door to your partner and avoid all contact with them.  Get your parents to act as your temporary bodyguards.  Theres nothing wrong with asking for help.  Kay.  

Helen  Posted: 26/06/2009 18:18

Hi Buzz, great to hear from you again, I remember the courage to leave took me 2 years to muster (was in relationship 7 years all together), I kept talking about leaving to friends and not doing anything, I started living a separate life and went out on my own, drank a lot on these nights out and was out of control, but it helped somehow to keep me going, I knew I was miserable and one day (it was st patricks day) he wouldn't come out with me to celebrate, I was living abroad and was quite homesick so wanted a paddys day out.

That night I ended up meeting some people at a party and one guy was so nice and interested in me and kept me talking about myself til 5 in the morning, no strings thing as he had a girlfriend and knew I had a boyfriend, that it dawned on me that no one had talked to me like that in YEARS and that it felt so good to be part of a conversation where you mattered, so I left him on 23rd march, so that was 6 days after this party it all came to a head, I just told him I was leaving and of course he didn’t believe me (which is good as it gives you time to really get away) and then he spent 3 months calling me and trying to change my mind, meeting me for hours and it was torture as I felt so bad for him (jayney when I think about it) and when I left France and went to live in London, he sent a friend of his over to visit me and tried even then to get me to go back, it was crazy, took him a full year to leave me alone and move on. Then he told everyone that I had had a nervous breakdown and that I was actually mad.

Anyway Buzz get that swat team together, your best friend will do it, and take it seriously as it contaminates not just the rest of your life but your families too, so be selfish in the best possible way and get away for good. You can do it, you can leave and never go back, you need to belive in yourself.

Good luck


buzz  Posted: 26/06/2009 15:30

Hi Helen the swat team is not a bad idea! :) God wouldnt that be great - to just have someone to whisk you away! Again it probably comes back to the unwillingness to make such a huge decision, it's easier to hope for the best. I know that my best friend and my entire family see this person for who they are, and I often wish they would do an "intervention" where they force me to leave. Does that sound really silly? Somehow making a decision that a lot of other people are pushing you into is easier because you dont feel so alone.. How did you find the courage to leave? Does it just happen one day? Or do things have to get to a certain low point first? My Dad says the longer you stay the harder it gets...

Helen  Posted: 25/06/2009 23:55

Buzz i am glad you read my post, looking back i felt like i was in prison at the time, i was living life like a robot, i had been brain washed and had no energy left in me to leave thats why it was so hard that day and i was terrified he would stop me leaving, i believe you are in the same lonely place as me even though you have your parents.

What i would have loved was for someone to come and take me away kinda SWAT style, all guns blazing and throw a bag over my head and throw me in a van and drive like mad for hours before they let me out and free and far away from that awful person for ever with no way to find my way back, but no one comes and its up to you to escape, as it is an escape that you will have to undertake, plan it well and preferably get someone to wait for you in a car below with strict instructions not to let you back in the  house under any circumstances.

Sounds dramatic i know, but i hope you get my drift. Let me know how you are.

Kay, Tom i hope you two are ok.


buzz  Posted: 25/06/2009 13:36

God Helen your post at 1829 is amazing, it nearly makes me want to leave now! I had one of those moments (though fleeting!) a while back we had  ahuge row and my partner spoke to me like a piece of dirt in front of a lot of people. I just walked away, and intended to keep walking! It was (if I admit) slightly exciting! I could smell the freedom and I kept thinking ok I'm gonna do this, I'm relaly doing it.. then my partner caught up with me and apologised, said it would never happen again, I didnt't believe that of course (I left innocece behind a few miles back!) but you see I lost my resolve then. I have to be angry to take action. I need to be pushed into it.

You know, lately I have started pushing the boat out on purpose and I think subconsciously I am trying to start a huge row so that I can get as angry as I need to be (and by pushing the boat out I mean doing normal stuff that has become tabboo like staying out past 9....spending my own money....talking on the phone to OTHER people....) and leave. Just leave.

buzz  Posted: 25/06/2009 13:27

Hi Kay thank you so much for your kind words. Yes I cant believe it I look back at my life (or what it has been so far) and I wonder where those 5 years have gone. I was twenty when we met, had not even finished college, and now I am twenty five...and have done NOTHING with my life since except lose friends, run up debts, disappoint my parents and become a shadow of my former self.

If I was someone else looking on I would say FFS just leave and get over it but it's SO hard to do, even when you KNOW its the right thing. But that's how those people work isnt it? They make you THINK you cannot live without them, that you could never possibly get over them, that you are less of a person on your own. The frustration is the worst. I remember saying to my Mam a while back that I would nearly be happier if this person died (now I am not a murderer or anything) but it would nearly be easier to deal with and I said Mam does that make me a bad person for wanting someone to die. I was wracked with guilt. Mam is great, she said, "No love, you dont want anyone to die, you just want the decision to be taken out of your hands because that way it's easier". Bless her she is a saint. If I could be half as good as her I would be over the moon.

Kay  Posted: 24/06/2009 22:12

Hi Tom, good to hear from you.  Yes therapy is expensive but I claimed it back on tax last year and got 40% of it back, I think its changed this year with the budget.  I kinda look on therapy as an investment for my future cause I dont think I would have ever been able to go back to work without it and now I have.  Its only part time but I am sticking at it since February and actually enjoying it.  I was out of work for 7 years due to anxiety and depression.  Its also made me stronger and I can say no to people as well as a host of other stuff, too long to go into here.  I know its not for everybody, and I know others would prefer alternative routes to health. But anyway I hope your situation has improved, its good to hear from you anyway.  Keep in touch. 

Helen  Posted: 24/06/2009 18:00

Hi everyone,

Kay i don't get frustrated with therapy, rather i question having to remember the past and why we need to go back over things some times, wonder if it is a good idea, like talking about current problems but not bad memories, wonder if stirring it up keeps it alive if you know what i mean rather than letting sleeping dogs lie.

Agree its expensive, but once before on this site i mentioned the amount of wine, cigarettes and retail therapy i used to spend money on so for me it kinda evens out at the moment, sure i buy less but when i buy something i really like it.

Hope that makes sense, hope you all doing ok.


Tom  Posted: 24/06/2009 09:53

Hi Kay,Frances Helen & Patricia, Kay I think therapy is very expensive (we are very tight financially) but if you find it useful then it is probsably a good thing. I alsothink realising you get anxious about certain things is a positive point.  For me I do not think it will ever go away, not sure how others feel Regards Tom

Kay  Posted: 23/06/2009 15:35

Hi Helen, Isnt therapy a long drawn out process?  Im having an off day today.  Ive been in therapy now for two years.  I can see progress but its not quick enough sometimes.  I still get anxious over little things that others take for granted, like traveling, and not necessarily abroad.  I asked my therapist how long will it take (typical child question) and she said it will be as long as I need it to be.  I know shes right but its tiring and draining.  Helen do you find you get impatient with therapy sometimes? Hi Tom, Frances, Anne and Buzz. Hope you are all doing ok. Kay.

Helen  Posted: 22/06/2009 20:23

Hi Kay, our posts seems to cross over each other and are quite similar, its strange all the things you go through and you can't imagine anyone else understands you but i think you do so its great, Buzz we understand you and now you have the 2 of us advising you the same thing so please get some strength from us.

BTW im' in a foul mood today, oh dear, cross with everyone and have been sent to bed for  being grumpy by my family (in the nicest way!) so have sneaked onto the internet to say hello.

Buzz, Tom, Frances how are you all today? you are in my thoughts too.


Helen  Posted: 20/06/2009 14:12

Hi there Kay, Tom, Frances, Buzz, well its the weekend and i am relaxing for the first time in ages, Kay yes you are right its ok to take a pill sometimes as that is what they are there for. If i had to choose though counselling would get my vote, even if its really really annoying me at the moment as we are kinda stuck as I can't feel anything - no anger towards an ex-"poisonous" (as buzz says) control freak who messed with my head for years, its over now so its annoying to go back there but i know i have to as its still effecting me and my current life,

buzz when i read your posts i want to shout - get out of there - but i know it took me years to leave and the day i did it i will never forget the sheer strenght of that moment when i said goodbye - thought i would die! I can remember stuffing my paltry belongings into black plastic bags and throwing them down the stairs in a panic as he had gone out for a jog to let me "think about things", golly all i kept thinking was get as much of my belonging out the flat before he came back and stopped me, i know the strenght you will need to leave - i also know things get worse not better with these kind of people,

try to focus on how you were before you met them and try to owe it to yourself to get back to that wonderful person that has been eclipsed by such a dark cloud.

if just my opinion but i promise i have been there and its possible to leave - even do it for your parents not for yourself as often you can't even begin to imagine you count at all anymore.

I am routing for you if that helps at all!

Kay, Tom i threw out the tv 3 years ago and its wonderful, i ususally don't have a clue about news unless i want to find something out and i listen to radio but the negative impact on my life has lessened, think about it, i would recommend it any day.

better go as could write a novel the way i feel today!

best wishes to all


Kay  Posted: 20/06/2009 10:54

Hi Buzz, thanks for the post.  I presume you mean your partner thats doing this to you.  Buzz, you say you are only young think of the years of misery ahead of you if you stay with this person.  Some people are what I call "vampires" they suck the life out of you.  My mother is like that and I dont know whether she means to or not she still does it.   So I avoid her as much as I can.  Buzz, when I was 16 I met a fella and we started going out.  Before I knew it I was 23 and getting married to him.  We were supposed to be getting married in September '96 but I couldnt do it so I called it off.  I have no idea what kept me going through that time.  His family turned against me , my own family were not helpful but I knew if I stayed with him I would always have to feed his needy and controling personality.  Over the years previous to the "wedding", I knew he wasnt good for me and tryed to break it off but he would threaten suicide and cry so badly I would stay with him.  I suppose what I am saying is, you can leave this person.  It will be tough but you have the support of your parents.  Buzz please get out now.  You will meet some one else who will be far better for you.   I know I did. Hope this was helpful.  Kay. You deserve so so so much more please dont just settle. 

buzz  Posted: 19/06/2009 11:41

Hi Kay thanks for your kind words. Sorry if my post came across as such and for that I am truly sorry for causing you concern. No of course I never meant that I would take that route, it's not an option. I have someone in my life who is slowly poisoning me and I simply cannot find the strength to walk away. I don't know how people do it! I can feel my spirit slowly ebbing away does that even make sense? It's like I am only a shade of the person I once was. I remember being young and feisty and carefree and I had no idea when I met this person that they would set out (subconsciously or not) to take that from me. My Mam and Dad are going mad, they think I should leave and they want me home with them so that I can start again and go back to college and be young and free and single. My Mam says I am too young to be tied down to someone so much older and so poisonous, and I have tried to leave once or twice but I always go back, and that kills them. Anyway sorry for droning on and on but no I meant that I would be seeking out counselling soon, or at least I thought about it but you know I dont have access to my wages any more this person controls all that so I don't think that would be an option right now.

Kay  Posted: 18/06/2009 22:06

Buzz, did you mean taking xanax soon or taking another route?  Guys please listen to me.  Its hard having anxiety and panic/depression, I know, but dying is never the answer.  Here I am preaching to you all and practically every day for the past week I too have been willing myself to see the light at the "end of the tunne".  Frances, I too have been affected by all the publicity about child abuse in the media in recent weeks.  Its everywhere I look and at times I wonder if the world is so tough on little kids then whats the point?  But you know what if we just pick one thing,one thing to keep us going.  It could be a partner, our children, our best friend, our dog or this forum.   Then we reach out when we feel desperate and just momentarily get us through the bad patch.  Hold on and hold on tight but most of all dont give up.  Buzz are you getting help for your feelings and thoughts??  Helen, its ok to take a xanax or even a few of them.  Counselling is very hard not to mention expensive but I keep looking on it as in investment.  To me its the best way to a life thats not controlled by panic attacks and fear. Its not quick and requires lots and lots of strength and dedication but worth it.  Plaease guys keep trying, I need all of you.  Your pal kay.

Tom  Posted: 18/06/2009 18:10

Hi everyone, Tom here. Frances& Helen try not to think the negative thoughts, sounds easy to say,  even though at the moment I myself am in a somewhat negative frame of mind.

I wish I could stop the negative thoughts, when they get up and going they are very hard to cope with, I actually think it is the loneliness of the thoughts that is the hardest to cope with.

Personally I know my negative thoughts frequently get completely out of hand and Frances this is why I think you have thoughts of wishing yourself dead. Those negative thoughts especially when you are on your own I think are very  big crosses to bear.  Also at the moment there is a constant diet of high level negativity  in all the media and for me at least it is definitely having a big effect. At least  writing to this site eases the pressure and makes me very aware that I am  not alone in having  such thoughts.  

My mother is still very ill and this is completely draining me, I know I do not have the same energy as when I was younger. Since I am an only child all the medical details, visiting etc has to be done by me. However getting older gives me the insight that none of this is my fault and deep down at some level I am probably coping reasonably well.

Buzz read your comment about the lunar cycle very interesting. Kay  and Patricia I hope you are keeping well. Regards to all  

buzz  Posted: 18/06/2009 14:02

I'm "eating" the prescriptives aswell but you know guys for anyone who DOES buy into it, there is a strange lunar cycle at the mo.... And I am not being funny. There are ppl who SWEAR that lunar cycles affect them mentally at different times. Hence of course the (ever so PC) term "lunatic"! :)

buzz  Posted: 18/06/2009 12:01

Hi for what it is worth I think it is  agood idea, something I will be doing soon....

Frances  Posted: 18/06/2009 12:00

It must be something in the air Helen, I'm "eating" the Xanax at the moment! Had a good chat with my GP this morning to try and get to the bottom of it and we both agreed, it might be connected to all the publicity about child abuse at the moment & it's stirring up all my memories. The man responsible for mine is dead but he's back in my dreams BIG TIME. Don't know how long I can continue like this. I feel absolutely drained and think I'd be better off dead. I wish they could come up with a pill to eradicate bad memories.

Helen  Posted: 18/06/2009 00:20

oh dear ended up taking my first xanax in a year today, too much going on and too worried about everything I need to do. I went to counselling today too and it's not nice at all. Wonder if there is any point in stirring up all the past sometimes. I had a good cry but not sure its of any real benefit sometimes.

Kay,Tom,Anne,Frances and everyone hope you doing ok this week.


Helen  Posted: 15/06/2009 16:54

Oh Kay, i feel for you I really do, i think an 11 year old should not get that guilt trip put on him, she sounds too much to bear at the moment so keeping your distance is prob the only answer.

better go too busy at moment to chat, have a rush on in work

Tom my thoughts are with you too,

and Frances, get that money box out and start saving, sounds like you really got on with your daughter and family over there.


Kay  Posted: 14/06/2009 14:52

Hi Frances. I am so glad you had a fab time in U.S. And to have made friends with your daughter is huge. You and your daughter making up is at the forefront of my mind now cause my relationship with my mother is going down the river rapidly. I cannt bear to be near her these days she is so self obsessed its wrecking my head and its too dangerous frankly to let her spend too much time with my children as I dont know what she will come out with next.

I am in bad form the past two days and I think its cause I saw my mother a few times in the past week as oposed to once which I had filtered it down to. She told my 11 year old son last night that nobody loved her and said that his cousin loves being with her so why not my son? He was upset because she made him feel bad. I am mad as hell, she spend her whole life using me and manipulating me with guilt and now she's trying to do the same with my kids. There's so much more I could rant now about but I will leave it at that for now. Hi to all my pals here and excuse the outburst. Kay.

Frances  Posted: 09/06/2009 19:11

Hi everyone,

Tom - it's not your fault your mother is so ill. I know it seem's like the worst time for you but try to relax and you will come through all this upset. We're all thinking of you (and your mother) so keep writing and putting your feelings forward - it all helps.

Well, I'm still exhausted after trip to San Francisco. The trip was really fine. Believe it or not, the older woman beside me going over was very nervous so we chatted all the way (God works in mysterious ways!!) and 11hrs just flew by. Coming home I was that exhausted that that 11hrs flew by too. The flight (Aer Lingus) was very comfortable and the food was actually very nice.

My granddaughters are heavenly - one is almost 4yrs and a real yank and the baby is 8 mths and adorable. I miss her in particular - I thought her to creep and say dada and was working on a little dance with her! Sounds a bit "mad" I know but I wish you were all there at the time. I'm saving hard to go again a.s.a.p

Hope you are all well



Tom  Posted: 09/06/2009 14:48

Helen & Kay  Thanks for your encouraging mesaages. Mother is very ill.  Feel the pressure alot. Know that hopefully I  will be okay even though I do not  feel it at the moment

Kay  Posted: 08/06/2009 21:10

Hi Helen, good to hear from you.  The Ryan report is very disturbing and I find myself switching off T.V. or radio if it comes on. I am not avoiding it just sad  of hearing about how others lives have been scarred and damaged too.  It is sad to think how many were damaged by people that were supposed to look out for them.  I dont get how there can be a god if he allows this to happen to children.  So more than lost interest in the church and clergy.Hope you are keeping well Helen.  Good to hear from you again, keep in touch.

Frances, I am so thrilled you had a fab time in U.S. Oh my god did you panic at all?  Were you ok on plane?  Great to hear you and your daughter made friends.  Were your grandchildren fab? Did it seem strange them having american accents?  tell me all please.  Talk soon.  Tom. where are you?  I am concerned about you just let us know you are ok please.

Helen  Posted: 08/06/2009 20:34

Hi Frances, welcome back after 5 weeks, it must seem like a lifetime away, i am so thrilled for you that your reunion with your daughter went so well and that you met your grandchildren and son in law!!

Now you can look forward to her coming over to ireland.

wishing everyone out there happy peaceful thoughts today :)


Helen  Posted: 07/06/2009 21:52

Hi Tom, Kay, Anne etc, its been ages, been busy away etc.

Tom, i hope you are holding up with the bad news of your mums illness, please be kind to yourself and remember you are only human, but a wonderful human who cares and is there for people in need, you sound so sick and tired - physically that it, and upset, i just hope you are ok somehow inspite of everything life has thrown at you. Log on and tell us how you are.

Kay, i have been thinking about you alot with all this terrible ryan report, i am sure it must be so unsettling, i have got to stop reading and listening to all the stories as it is too upsetting to imagine a world where child abuse was the norm and no one could stop it. i know you are strong and others have tried to tell you that you are fickle and weak, they probably knew you weren't back then and you are definitely not now!! big hugs to you.

Anne, thinking of you too, how are things?


Frances  Posted: 07/06/2009 18:34

Hi everyone,

Well, I MADE IT. I had an absolutely wonderful 5 wks with my daughter and her beautiful girls and REALLY NICE husband. It was a little bit tense at first but the children helped break the ice TG. It was mother's day in USA while I was there. We went on a trip to the vineyards (wine tasting) and it was a great day. The few glasses of wine loosened the 2 of us up and from then on we had a lovely time together. It was heartbreaking leaving her at the airport but she'll be home for a few weeks next year so that will keep me going.

The trip made a BIG difference to my anxiety and depression. I didn't think I was strong enough to face 11hrs each way in the sky but it just goes to show you, if you want to really do something bad enough YOU CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm very tired, naturally, but I hope you are all well and I'll talk to you soon

Best regards

Frances xx

Kay  Posted: 27/05/2009 22:48

Hi Tom, so sorry to hear about your mother. Tom, I know you must be feeling really low right now and I dont know you well but from what I have seen of you on this forum, you are kind and sensitive. You have been chasing your tail visiting your mother and you have exhausted yourself doing so. Your mother wouldnt want you to feel guilty about her. We can only do so much Tom, we are just one person please dont expect so much of yourself. Your head is probably racing now and not making much sense, I know mine does when Im under stress, but try and see that you have nothing to feel guilty about you have done your best by your mother. My thoughts are with you Tom please keep posting here and release some frustration.

Tom  Posted: 26/05/2009 10:54

Hi all, i hope you are well, I have bad news, my mother is critially ill in hospital, not expected to make it. I have a great sense of guilt, all of the things that I did not do. Need to reconcile in some way, my own poor health and mood swings with not doing things for her when she was alive. Health is reallly acting up,(sick etc) at the moment Talk soon Kind regards Tom

Kay  Posted: 23/05/2009 15:54

Hi Helen.  Its actually better to talk about what happened to me than keep it in. That doesnt mean that I tell every person I see or speak to but if it comes up in conversation I will tell someone.  The most important thing is to tell because secrets like that being kept will eat from the inside out.  The flashbacks are horrible for me because not only do i see them happening repeatedly in my mind but they are usually accompanied by the feelings of desperation and panic that I must have felt when it actually happened.    And more often than not feeelings of emmense saddness and fear of not wanting to live.  My sister and mother particularily mom have always implied to me throughout my life that I was weak and fickle and not one for staying at anything with the result I did exactly what they expected.  I gave up whether it be a hobby or job, I always gave up becaus thats what I was told I would do.  I know now how wrong that is. I am very, very strong and I know I have a huge spirit to be able to do what I am doing now.  At forty one yrs old I now know what a strong person I really am.  thanks for your post Helen.  Hi Anne, hows it going? 

Helen  Posted: 20/05/2009 17:00

Hi Anne, Kay,

only checking in with you, have read posts but can't think of any advice to add to Annes, Kay, i really feel for you, I have a barmy sister who leans on me and then changes her story the next day and it has driven me away from her for the moment as i don't know what she really thinks anymore, don't think she needs me the way i thought as she seems to get on very well in life (but gets help from parents all the time).

I know you are facing the horrible truth of what happened to both of you and she is not helping the situation, as Anne said this will come to the fore one day but she is not ready and she may be jealous that you are (you never know) - i hope you are strong enough to cope with these flashbacks inspite of your family lack of support, i don't know what I would do in your situation, i am in awe of the fact that you can talk about it openly and confide in us. We are here for you now if that helps.

x H

Anne   Posted: 19/05/2009 22:03

Hi Kay,

I'm from Dublin sorry, I thought you knew, I am about 9 miles from the city which suits me. We live in a quiet little area lots of cherry blossom and the ground belonged to a Monastery way back, I am very happy where we live because it is quiet and away from main roads, that's it what more can I tell you not on the www anyway.

I wonder how Frances is getting on we should hear from her soon, hope all went well.

I am surprised that you are the younger of the sisters, you take on all the responsibility, can I ask you, do you think that your Mother and Sister are looking to you as the "strong shoulders" ie emotional downloading on to you, I think you might be feeling the weight of their problems/emotions, think !

Talk soon, as I said be good to yourself


Kay  Posted: 19/05/2009 16:37

Hi Anne, thanks for advice I know you are right. I talked about it with my therapist today and she said the same thing. I cannt under any circumstances tell my sister what I remember about her abuse. Its up to her if she choses to remember but I will be there for her if she needs me. She is actually a year older than me but I have a huge urge to always protect her and always have. Thanks Anne for advice. How are you keeping these days? What part of Ireland are you from roughly Anne, You dont have to give me details.

Tom, Helen and Frances hope you are all doing ok. let me know how ye are.

Anne   Posted: 19/05/2009 11:49

Hi Kay,

I think you know that your sister is in denial to a certain extent but will face it in time my suggestion is to step back from her and she will come to you she values your opinion otherwise she wouldn't be phoning you but she is scared stiff, but as I said she knows who to phone and she will.  Like me you have come a long way and you know and acknowledge what happened you don't need your sisters validation my suggestion is, continue with your healing and even for a short time put yourself first Why! because you are worth it, those words are important for a giving person like you, are you older than your sister I don't remember I think you are.

Take care of yourself


Kay  Posted: 18/05/2009 20:19

Hi Anne.   Part of me wants my sister to remember and part of me wants to protect her from abuse memories.  Maybe theres still a part of me that wants validation from somebody else.  Anyway, I dont think she is going to go there any time soon.  She is having panic attacks and feeling very stressed out but refuses to see anybody about it..  She phones me and tells me how panicky she is feeling and I listen but then the next day when I phone her to see if she is ok shes completely baffled as to why I am worried about her in the first place. Its like "me, what do you mean?........Im ok."  So one day shes admitting shes feeling off and the next day its like yesterday didnt even happen.  Am I making sense? 

Hope all are keeping well talk soon. 

Anne   Posted: 18/05/2009 13:57

Hi Kay,

Of course you are angry, you are angry that you were abused, you are angry because you get flash backs as though you are going through it again for the very first time.  You say you are angry because your sister was abused but she is in denial, I haven't experienced that so please explain if you don't mind, how would it help you if she admitted it.  These questions in no way are to challenge you just to understand and also to ask yourself the question.

Kay I am with you all the way you know that, so answer back if you can.


Kay  Posted: 15/05/2009 22:42

Hello ladies.  I felt today a couple of times that I might lose it and go mad.  If I had a cent for every time I have felt this in the last two years I would be a very very rich woman and yet it still frightens the life out of me.  So I had a good talk to myself and I wrote down some stuff and I now feel that I have a flashback(from childhood abuse) on the way.  Usually when one comes I feel anxious and panicky for a while before during and after it.  Its soooo bad that not only do people have to put up with abuse during childhood but also live through the nightmare every day for the rest of our lives.  I know my sister was abused too because I remember it very vividly but she says she wasnt.  I want to scream at her to face it but part of me also wants to protect her and not have her go through the horror of it all again.  any advice grateful..Kay.

Anne   Posted: 15/05/2009 19:11

Hi Alcomum,

Thanks for the quick answer, Talk to ye all Monday.  Anne  

Alcomum  Posted: 15/05/2009 17:50

Hi Anne - it is called Homecoming

Anne   Posted: 15/05/2009 14:05

Hi Girls, me being nosey and all, yet I don't know what book your talking about, tell me quick!  Helen you are the one who should be writing stories.


Helen  Posted: 15/05/2009 00:43

Hi everyone, can't believe how well i feel after writing out some of the exercises in the Homecoming book we were talking about, it seems to really work for some reason. Told my therapist i was doing it and she is helping me as she knows it, however she told me to slow down - but it is powerful. One other exercise was to write you family history like a fairy story etc. It started off ok but ended like this "...the king gave the eldest daughter a black rose and the youngest daughter a white rose and banished the eldest daughter from the kingdom, his queen was so sad that she didn't even notice that her daughter was gone, she continued to drink the magic potion to make the loneliness go away. The king promised to mind the youngest daughter and ensure that she may never want for anything ever again."

No points for guessing that i am the eldest daughter :))

try it its really amazing what you come out with, my story is much longer than this but its an example of how quickly you can see your families mistakes.

Alcomum  Posted: 14/05/2009 16:30

Thanks for the welcome guys. 

Anne - not patronising at all.  So sorry to hear about your brother.  I am ever reminded of the seriousness of this often ignored condition.

Kay - am definitely going to give that book a read now.  It's encouraging to know that theory works for people.

Having a head-up-my-a*se day.  Not yet washed/dressed and avoiding the phone.  BUT not drinking or tempted to drink.  So trying to be grateful for small steps of progress.

Alcomum xox

Kay  Posted: 13/05/2009 20:50

Hi alcomum, welcome to forum.  Helen Ive read that book in part and I am constantly writting in my opposite hand (as a child) and replying with my normal handwritting hand and as bizzare as it sounds it works.  Its a great way of releasing cr*p in my head and drawing also in different hands is very beneficial.  In the past Ive written loads of diarys and have them acattered all over the house.  We seem to be down on numbers on the forum right now.  Hope all is well with regulars. Kay...

Anne   Posted: 13/05/2009 20:00

Hi Everybody,

Kay good on ya! long may that strength continue. I know just how tough it can be as you know I had a mother in law that ruled the roost for us (she died last year) and every one of our 35 years of marriage we had to organise our holidays around what mother in law wanted us to do and that included Christmas also. I hadn't got the guts to do anything but this year we are free and now hubby is retiring so we won't have the cash to do all the things we wanted to do, have you noticed I am still angry Ha! enough about me. I hope by now you really feel good about yourself Kay well done.

Helen good to see you back on the page. I love writing but I am hopeless at poetry, the short stories are doing o.k. I am wondering how Frances is doing with her family in San Fran, I would say if she got half the chance she won't come back, I know I would live there in a heart beat.

Hello Alcomum welcome to "our gang" Like us all, you have had your problems, but you gained the strength to deal with your demons and long may it continue, my brother wasn't so lucky he passed away a year ago because of alcoholism so without wanting to sound patronising I am with you all the way, good luck.

Bye for now. Anne

Alcomum  Posted: 13/05/2009 16:11

Hi Helen

Sorry to shock you!  Yes, I am a recently diagnosed alcoholic and am in recovery in AA. Writing and blogging definitely helps.  Check me out anytime.

I love the idea your book suggests about writing as a child - that is such a practical way to get into the right mindset.  Will remember that.


Alcomum xox

Helen  Posted: 12/05/2009 19:48

Wow Kay that must have taken some guts. I am delighted to hear that you are able to say no to your mum's plans - i know the word family holiday puts the fear of god in me now and it used to be what i thought we should all be doing as my friends go away with their parents etc.

Your mum might learn a lesson or not but at least you don't have that burden to carry now.

Hi Alcomum, sorry but your nickname kinda shocked me, do you have a drink problem? is it because of depression? I am glad writing it down helps, me too it helps and I am reading a book called Homecoming where you have to write down memories and feelings as an adult and as a kid (you use the other hand and get scrawly writing) - the effect is very strong and as you said - once its out you feel better.

Tom how are you doing ?

Anne how is the poetry ?

Hope all is going well for Fran in San Fran!!

xx H

Alcomum  Posted: 09/05/2009 22:57

Hi all - I have just registered on this site and am still geting my bearings!  I am not in a position to offer anyone advice, but I can share what I have experienced myself.  When anxiety and depression are too heavy to bear, there is definitely always some relief to be found in talking to others and/or writing it down - whether using old fashioned phones and paper or forums like this one.  So much of my own problems in this area come from me internalising far too much and putting internal pressure on myself e.g. because of what I think is "the right thing to do" or what I "should be doing".  Life doesn't change, but my atitude to it certainly does when I try to get things out.  I'm not always good at it!  But when I can find the strength, it tends to work.

J xox

Kay  Posted: 08/05/2009 17:49

Hi Anne and Helen and Tom.  Tom, you are at the front of my mind so I hope you are doing ok.  My mother has just been up to my house for a visit, she invited herself and she asked me would I be interested in going on hols with just her, me and the kids.  One time i would have felt bad for her and agreed but I just said no.  She put on her sad face and tryed the old tryed and tested guilt trip on me but I stood up to her and said no.  So yeah me!!!!!!  Anyway, Anne and Helen lovely to hear from both of you.  Keep talking ladies, it makes such a huge difference to have some one with similiar views. 

Anne   Posted: 08/05/2009 16:00

Hi all me again Hi Tom,

I was just thinking, you are an only child so you are going to feel as though you have to "be there" for your Mother, don't let the Monster Guilt get to you because it doesn't belong to you.  My husband is an only child his Mother passed away last year, he did what he could but that is how it should be. keep writing and talk it through with us all, you will be o.k.

Talk soon Love to ye all.


Helen  Posted: 07/05/2009 19:50

Hi Tom, Anne and Kay and all the others on this forum.

Tom i agree with the other wise women on this, you have to put yourself first NOW and do the minimum where your mum is concerned. Find a way to get her the help she needs and evaluate what is priority. You sound so down and you have not always sounded this way to me so i know you are probably at rock bottom at the moment. Please think of yourself, you mother would want that more than her own needs, believe me.

What has you so down at the moment, are you still able to fight "donald duck" or not ?

I am fighting back right now and thinking of myself, funny my birthday came around and i didn't get any cards from my so called friends that i had struggled to send cards to over the year, it kinda shook me into realizing that others don't worry so much about keeping me happy, ie putting a card in the post like i do, i mean this year no one is getting a card just for the hell of it, it will be very hard for me not to people please but thats what we need do do - all of us.

Mind yourself and banish the word selfish from your vocabulary this week ok Tom.

Anne, Kay hope you are both doing well this week and thanks for being there.


Anne   Posted: 07/05/2009 12:16

Hi Kay and Tom,

I am sorry I didn't see your letter Tom but even if I did I couldn't give you any better advice than Kay she is correct in everything she said.  Take care of yourself or you will be no good to anybody. I will be thinking of you Tom just remember when you are down the only way is up and you have be there before so listen to Kay, it will get better.

Kay you are a natural for helping people and keep well and happy.

Kay  Posted: 06/05/2009 17:49

Hi Tom.  I know this probably sounds difficult to do but, you need to pull back from your mother.  Not entirely but some.  I understand she needs help and shes your mother but your are going to be no help to her whatsoever if you become ill through pressure and stress.  Tom, have you anyone to share the caring of your mom with? I know when I am feeling depressed and anxious I am barely able to look after myself.  My mother is 67 and she has depended on me all my life and its only now at 41 that I realise i am not responsible for my mothers life or happinness.  I think your mom is older though isnt she?  Does she need you in a physical sense or is she able to care for herself that way or is it the emotional sense she needs you in?  Tom good to hear from you. 

Kay  Posted: 05/05/2009 15:59

Hi Helen, I know what you mean by distancing yourself from your family.  I learned through therapy that my mother is manipulating, and selfish to the core.  She can be very cruel and never cares who she offends.  I dont like her as person, but I love her because shes the only mother I have known.  To think I grew up thinking what she said and did to my sister and me was normal.  I had to reduce the time she spends with me and my kids because of her tactless approach to everything.  I am very dissappointed in her.   My dad would quite happily strangle her at times for her big mouth.  My sister is probably closer to me now than ever.  after pulling back from her too cause I felt she wasnt supportive to me she is now someone I count on.  Frances, when are you off?  I hope you have a fab time in fact i am sure you will. 

Anne, good to hear from you.  I have been having trouble posting on the forum lately anyone else???

Anne   Posted: 05/05/2009 13:38

How are you Helen, I missed you!  Having said that I haven't been on the site much of recent times.  What are you doing with yourself these days.  I am writing and some poetry these days and am enjoying it I must say.  Hubby is retiring soon so we can travel more.  All in All life is good, I get the days when I worry and am not too positive but I know that there is a plan for us all and as they say "Man makes plans, our Lord laughs" something like that.  My quirky sense of humour will keep me going I have been told Ha! don't know about that.

All the best for now keep in touch and if you ever need an ear I will always be looking in.

Best of luck Hon.


Tom  Posted: 05/05/2009 11:34

Hi all I hope you are well.I have a big problem which is my mother, she keeps leaning on me and I am not responding well, I know she needs alot of help but  I am depressed and can get barely by the day. Any suggestions please Tom

Anne   Posted: 04/05/2009 15:19

Hi Frances,

I forgot you probably won't get this letter before you go, I wish you all the 

best and hope you have a great time with your family, I will be thinking of you.

Love Anne

Helen  Posted: 03/05/2009 21:56

Hi everyone, Kay Anne Frances Tom, its been ages i know and i have been so  busy i have not taken the time to read or post, so i won't even try and catch up with all that has  been going on, just caught you lot complaining about your other halves :) imagine doing that, don't get me started, however i complained for about 3 months that all i wanted was a SURPRISE night out, with no babysitting or favours to beg as usual, and finally it happened one day - HE organized a babysitter and booked a restaurant - it was such a shock that I just stared at him in admiration the whole evening - on the way home we found a stray cat and decided to take him home - we both love cats and its like our little reminder of that ONE NIGHT out which meant the world to me. Not holding my breath for another one, but anything is possible if you are determined to get it.

Gosh i am  going on, sorry haven't been in touch and then spout about my fellah!!

Men are pretty bad at pressies, nights out etc, they need help sometimes to love us the way we need them to.

Have been doing lots of reading trying to keep "dark" thoughts away and it seems to be working, avoiding my family (parents, sister bro) as much as possible is doing me the world of good :) Used to think i needed to be closer to them but it was actually the opposite, needed to put a bit of distance there and not worry about what they think of me as it was never good, hope now i can put that behind me and move on in life.

How are you all doing now? Your recent posts seem happier? Would you say things have improved since you first joined this site ?? i would so thanks for listening xxxx H

Anne   Posted: 22/04/2009 11:00


So you are telling me that all the men are the same!  Next time around I'm coming back as a man and I will marry somebody Fantastic! just like us LOL!

Have a great day!

Anne the Fantastic!Laughing

Kay  Posted: 21/04/2009 22:03

Well ladies I thought it was just me with the less than thoughtful husband. Been together now for 18 years. He has yet to buy me a present, book a romantic night away or do anything impulsive. Yes I do get presents, all bought by me from him for me!!!!! I keep imagining some day him really surprising me and splashing out on me and buying me a special gift. Not at all helped by the fact that his brother buys his wife everything, diamonds, flowers, holidays to mention a few. So I always feel hard done by when I hear what fantastic gifts my sister in law gets. Poor me. Ah well, by and large hes a good man. And although there are times when I could push him out the door, I do care about him a great deal. Anne, i got in touch with Patricia and she says to say hello to all her pals on this forum. So a big HI to all, from Patricia. It was great to hear from her.

Frances  Posted: 21/04/2009 17:04

Thanks Anne!!!!!

By the way, most men are like yours - they just weren't made for shopping. Mine will say "I'll give you the money for anything you want". I HATE THAT. I even buy my own Valentine card!! But, like you, I love him dearly even though he went off to Thailand, Cambodia & Laos this morning with the "lads" and left me all on my own. I'm glad really that he's gone. Is that awful? I need peace to get myself ready for the States. A good neighbour is minding the house so I needn't tell you, I'll be leaving it spotless!

Was with my lovelt GP this morning and he's happy enough with my progress. He reckons there will always be the odd "Black" day but I'll learn to deal with them. I already do - take a valium and go to sleep or go out and socialise to take my mind off the anxiety.

Anyway girls, I'll be talking to you before the "Off"

Kindest Regards

Frances xxx

Anne   Posted: 21/04/2009 12:40

Hi Girls,

Did I tell you about my hubby, he has no imagination.  My daughter asked him what are you getting Mam for her birthday "I don't know what she likes" with a slightly concerned look on his face he continued "maybe I will do what I always do when we go on holiday she can choose something she would like herself" my daughter is about to pull the hair out of her head then he said I will think of something.  For once in my married life I would love to receive an original thoughtful birthday present from him, am I being childish or silly just tell me girls.  My sister's husband who is 13 years older than her has always surprised her with a little gift of something surprise! but despite it all I love his little cotton socks! but most of the time I could kill him!  I had a great birthday despite being a narky owl you know what Ha!

Kay any murders on the farm recently or are you letting them live Ha!

Frances I am bursting with anticipation for you.  You have to tell us word for word how you got on when you come back and your daughter will definitely be at the airport she is probably there already, she is feeling exactly the same as you love love and more love together with giant butterflies in the tummy.

Talk soon Luv Anne 

Kay  Posted: 20/04/2009 20:18

Hi Anne, I did miss that post by Patricia and thanks for letting me know. I will drop her a line and check in on her.  By the way Anne, happy birthday, hope it was a good one. I will have a little drink for you tonight( any excuse).  Hi to all the rest of the gang.  Hope you are all feeling ok. 

Frances  Posted: 20/04/2009 18:28

Happy Birthday Anne - have a few sherry's AND a few beers - you've earned them girl!!!!!!

I always remember my dearest mother (RIP) saying "there's no shame in tears" and that, in fact, "they cleanse the soul". God knows, I've cried "rivers" over the years so my soul must be spotless. But, seriously, I don't care anymore who I cry in front of - it's like a little release valve!!

Sunday week I'm off to San Francisco (I'm wishing my life away) for a calendar month!!!  I still get flutters in my body when I think about my beautiful girl & her little family, waiting for me at the airport. The negative side of me - which is VERY small - keeps thinking "what'll I do if they are NOT at the airport" but positive "me" then says "she's as nervous as you and she WILL be there". What a life!!!!!!   I'm really happy to have her back in my life and hope that some day my son and other daughter will come back to me too.

Have a great night Anne!!!

Kay you sound better by the day

Kindest regards

Frances xxx

Anne   Posted: 20/04/2009 13:41

Hi Friends,

Yes we are consistent and good at propping up eachother I am glad to say, keep this up and we will be adding our names to each other's wills Ha! LOL! Kay check back on Feb.18th the letter from Patricia maybe you missed it no. 1142 that will fill you in she is lovely and I miss her on the site I must say this was her line of work I think. I am sure she would love to hear from you.

Just back from Counsellor had a crying  session. I feel such a wuss! (is that a word) but I feel the better for it so it must be doing good.

Girls have a drink to me tonight its my birthday and I will have a "sweet sherry" Ha! I will have a "dainty" glass of Beer.

Luv to you both


Kay  Posted: 18/04/2009 14:21

Hi Anne, and Francis, girls you two are the most consistent support on this forum and i am very grateful to you both for that.  Frances, Im so excited for you, oh my god, you will have a ball in the U.S. Theres a lot to be said for enjoying our own company, its a good sign to me that we feel comfortable enough not to need somebody with us all the time.  How long are you going on your trip for Frances?   Anne you are so lighthearted you always make me feel happy or comforted.  Tom hope you are ok.  Where are the rest of the regulars on this forum, Helen, Patricia to name but a few????

Frances  Posted: 16/04/2009 18:10

Hi to all my friends,

Anne & Kay, I don't know what I'd do without you - you're both a tonic!!!!!

I also hate people staying over. I thought I was the only one. Even if my sister comes over (she lives on the North Side) I panic in case she wants to stay. I came home from hospital last year to an empty house and that, strangely, didn't bother me - I like my own space. I too don't mind anybody dropping in for a cuppa and chat but I go into overdrive if I have company for too long. This upsets me a LOT as I have some wonderful true friends and I hate wishing them to go home.

Anyway, only 2 weeks to go from Sunday!!!!!

Tom, I hope you're coping. Keep writing

Regards to all


Anne   Posted: 16/04/2009 13:17

Hi Friends,

Kay you are trying to make me feel better about my sloping ceilings, too late Kay we have put it up for sale flat ceilings from now on LOL!  You are so nice, you wouldn't want to offend anybody.  Joking aside, regarding dark, the only place dark belongs to is the night sky, give me brightness and sunshine happy colours all the way.  Frances looks as though your daughter can't wait to see you, I can just see the pair of ye now, middle of airport the other travellers will say ah! you can spot the Irish anywhere just never know when to let go of eachother Ha!.

Helen if you are checking in hope all is well with you.  Tom you know you have friends here so trust trust o.k.


Kay  Posted: 15/04/2009 23:12

Hi Tom, glad to hear your are still checking in here.  Chin up and look forwards a little Tom, I know you are not in a great place at the moment but know we are all willing your through this.  Anne, you are definately not coming accross as 59 years old you have bags of life and fun in you.  You know I am very odd about having people stay at my house too. I am not too bad if they pop in for an hour or two but I dont like others staying over night.  I remember some years ago my hubbys uncle died and relations of his came to stay over so I was volunteered to allow his two sisters to sleep in my spare room.  I didnt sleep a wink that night it felt strange having them there. I like my privacy and theres nothing wrong with that I suppose.  I have been in places with slooping ceilings before and my friend has them in her house so in hindsight I think the  thing that freaked me in the hotel was the very very dark decor.  talk soon.  Kay. 

Tom  Posted: 15/04/2009 17:08

Hi all Just keeping in touch Tom

Anne   Posted: 15/04/2009 13:19

Hi All,

Frances I have just come back from the doctors complaining about being so tired and zoned all the time I have been like that for a couple of weeks now. He is sending me for blood tests.  Frances Ha! you are the only other person after me that thinks we are getting on at late fifties I will be 59 on the 20th. and my gorgeous young Doctor said well it can't be (he said something age related) because you are young Yippee! I thought, I am young for something Ha! most of the time I act my shoe size but I forget my body has been on earth since 1950.  So hope that helps with the tiredness.

Well Kay and Frances you have just missed out on a lovely invitation!  I was going to invite you to my home but guess what I have sloping ceilings so that sorts that!!!  only joking I do live in a dormer bungalow but you would have to be in our bedroom and we have a very large window so maybe it isn't so bad but I am not inviting you anyway, so there!!!  You know girls one of my hand ups is inviting to my home I crack up completely, I prepare things in my head and by the time I have to put all in to action I am worn out mentally, so I ask myself, is it worth it.  

There is a new site on the screens for over 50's so for those who are interested it is called it has promise check it out.

In the next month I will be needing a couple of prayers for tests I am having so whatever you do in the line of asking your maker for requests include me please, Thanks everybody.

Love, Anne.

Kay  Posted: 14/04/2009 21:41

Debbie h. Depression and anxiety are very very common, in fact I have now come to the conclusion that anyone who doesnt have some sort of anxiety levels are very rare to find.  You are not mad or insane and your friends are very narrow minded to think the way they do. 

Hi to the rest of the gang and Tersita.  Tersita, I dont know if it comes with age cause my mother is 66 and probably suffered with anxiety for a period of 10 years that I remember in her 50's and now shes flying her kite and going off on foreign holidays.  I envy her, maybe some day soon we can do stuff like that too. 

Frances  Posted: 14/04/2009 18:10

Hi everyone,

Kay, you made it - good girl. I'd say it was the sloping ceilings - they would freak anyone out. You must be a very quiet woman - I would have insisted on a different room! Anyway, you must be stronger than you think & good for you, you didn't run home!!!!!!!!

Anne, hope you had a great weekend too. Mine was okay until Monday. I don't know why but I could'nt get out of bed at all. I didn't eat a thing and slept for nearly 24hrs. My partner naturally found this very distressing and wanted me to go to A & E but I wouldnt hear of it. I'm fine todayTG. Isn't life VERY strange. I know I'm "getting on" (I'll be 58 in July) but to feel so debillitated is unbelievable!!!!!!!!

My daughter rang me Sunday to wish me a Happy Easter and needless to say, I'm over the moon! Less than 3wks to go - yippee!!!!!

Hope you are all keeping well


Anne   Posted: 10/04/2009 11:20

Hi Friends,

Kay Frances Tom And all who know me first may I wish you all a happy and

worry free Easter.  Kay I am so happy for you that you made your holiday

trip and you stayed with the discomfort of being away from the security of 

your familiar surroundings, I know you are strong and you proved it.Frances,

thanks for your reply to my email and again happy Easter.  Tom be good to

yourself.  Helen haven't heard from you in a while hope all is good with you.

Talk Soon

Anne Smile 

Tersita  Posted: 09/04/2009 18:55

Hi All Kay just to say that I too haven't been to Dublin for years just the thought of the City and crowds put me off also I'm not so keen on Public Transport I used love a  trip  to Dublin the Day was never long enough for me I miss those days but I wonder does it come with age I am in my sixties and I know other people like that so we are not alone with it I intend going up some Day to try and overcome this phobia So good luck on your trip


Kay  Posted: 09/04/2009 18:29

Hi Anne, Frances, Tom and Debbie h. Well I went on my break with my family and had a melt down with panic attacks and anxiety when we entered the apartment. The only thing I could think of that caused the panic was the apartment itself. It was up in the attic with sloping ceilings tiny windows and very, very dark. It was a 4 star hotel so cleanliness and hygiene was perfect. I thought I would have to sedate myself or end up freaking completely. My hubby talked me through it and I also did some writting as to why this o.t.t reaction. It really threw me and I felt like that the last 20 months of therapy were a complete waste of my time and money and that I would never get any better. My dreams of getting on a plane again slipped further away. Anyways I got through it and enjoyed it so I think probably for the first time in a long time I didnt run I worked through it and found a solution.


Frances  Posted: 09/04/2009 18:00

Hi everyone,

Good to see you back Tom. Happy Easter to one and all


Tom  Posted: 09/04/2009 11:29

Hi everyone Tom here, unfortunately I have not been on for a long time, bad head space, thankyou Kay and Frances for thinking about me much appreciated, i hope you have a Happy Easter Regards Tom

debbie h  Posted: 07/04/2009 18:48


Thank you for your respnse and also thanks for welcoming me here.

I read everyone's letters, and about their worries and struggles..I often feel like a half a person only. i think that it is my character flaw that i am indeed moody and weak. Instead of saying out loud that it is not so, that i am in fact a happy and good person, but i have lost my way entirely and i feel so totally unhappy a lot of the times. I am tired of myself sometime and i hate crying so often! I think some people tend to think of depression and anxiety as some weaknesses that the person has brought upon her/himself. This is the opinion even in my own circle of friends and acquintances. It is very unfair though.

I read Johno's letter, I can understand how awful it can be when your partner always threatens to leave you, mine does it on regular basis but then goes nowhere. everytime he says he's leaving me i crumble even more. he has a bad temper and very little patience. I love him and hate him at the same time. i also hate myself for not being able to finish it.

I 'd like to know that everything will get better. I have to work on many things to get there..

Frances  Posted: 06/04/2009 20:21

Hi girls,

Well, thank God we're all in grand form. We're definitely good therapy for each other!!

Well, I'm off to San Francisco on May 3rd. Can't believe it's getting so close!

I'm shopping like mad for my 2 grandchildren and can't wait to hug my 37 yr old baby. I'll never want to let her go again. I'm back on the antidepressants and make sure I take them EVERY day. I've put on 7lbs so I don't look so freakish.

I'm more positive about the trip now and really looking forward to it (hate packing though).

Kay you'll have a ball up in Dublin.

Anne, you're doing great. The writing is doing you a power of good!!

I miss Tom as well. Where are you Tom. we're worried about you.

Kindest regards to you all


Anne   Posted: 06/04/2009 12:39

Hi Friends,

Kay you sound so positive and "together". You have come a long way it is just a fact that you don't notice it. I was with my therapist this morning (just back) and while I ended up like a jig saw and having to put myself back together again I know and you know life is not meant to be absolutely perfect, on a scale of 1-10 at this moment I am 4 but for the past couple of weeks I was -1 so if we manage a 7/8 we are doing just fine. Your sense of humour will bring you true mine always does.

Frances, you notice I am not using your personal email because I am doing o.k. but I will keep it like I would a special gift you gave to me. Did I tell you I am now writing prose and poetry. I have joined a writing group and am obsessed with it so that is keeping me going. Frances have you got those hugs ready! and as Kay said you are going to be fine because anyone with a "heart" as big as yours could only be loved in return.

Did anybody notice, we three are givers than takers! we are stronger than we know but I know that I personally have to learn how to take advice no because friendship is a two way gift.

God Bless all



Kay  Posted: 04/04/2009 14:06

Hi ladies, thanks for your encouraging words. I wrote a much longer post on this forum but they only posted a tiny bit of it. Dont know why? Hello editor whats going on?

Frances, and Anne your two are great. Frances, I think you will be amazing in the U.S. you have so much to look forward to. I hope it all goes well for you. How long away is it?

Ok. I am going on this break and try very hard to have a fab time. I have researched the hotel to the point of exhaustion and the surrounding area. But thats all a control thing again. Sometimes I think its not getting any better maybe even worse despite being in therapy although other parts of my life are doing pretty ok. I am still sticking at the job and actually enjoying it. I even took a lift from a friend the other day and got in the back of her car, and anybody who knows me knows that I have to be either driving or in the passenger seat so I suppose its a little bit of progress. Anyway I wil let you know how I get on. thanks guys. Tom where are you these days?

Tersita  Posted: 03/04/2009 21:44

Hi All, I too suffer from Anxiety on and off for years especially going on holidays and usually don't feel well when I'm away so I tend not to go. I got it bad last Summer as I was facing knee surgery and also had to visit Dentist so I gave in and Doctor perscribed Antidepressents just 1 a day and it definitely helped. I went on holidays a few weeks ago and I couldn't believe how relaxed I was and first holiday i've enjoyed for a long time. Am now looking forward to next one, so hope all of you fellow sufferers will your anxiety will lessen in time.


Frances  Posted: 03/04/2009 14:08

Hi Anne & Kay,

Kay you'll be fine, honestly Dublin isn't the "evil" place people think it is. I live in Dublin and am not at all afraid to go into town on my own on the bus or luas.

I do understand how you feel though, I feel the same about going to the USA even though I'm going to my daughter. It's VERY far from my comfort zone but I know I have to go to see her and her 2 beautiful girls. Sure if I get that anxious over there I'll just change my flight and come home early. That hopefully won't happen but it doesn't stop the butterflies!

The break will do you a power of good and it will give you quality time with your family. The shopping is great here too so go for it girl!!!!!!

Anne, you seem to be in grand form TG. I'm not doing too bad either

Regards to all


Anne   Posted: 02/04/2009 20:51

Hi Kay,

You will be fine and you know that, take baby steps and stay in the now, you have heard it all before so I am not going to insult your intelligence!  Just think it will be you your hubby and children nobody else to annoy you, and I think it will do you and your husband the world of good.  I have discovered another very good friend on this site and she said to me Kay and I will be there for you well now Frances and I will be there for you Kay, if that helps.

Frances I am feeling a good bit better so thanks again its all down to you.


Kay  Posted: 02/04/2009 18:22

Hi all. Frances and Anne, I take half a sleeping tablet every night and sleep for about 6 hours and its lovely but then the sleeping tablet wears off and I toss and turn for the next few hours. Anyway, I am not feeling the best, wait til you hear this. Myself,hubby and children are going away to a hotel next mon til thurs for a little break(we got it cheap). But I am freaking out over it. I am panicky and anxious and sick to the back teeth of not being able to do normal things others take for granted. We were supposed to take a day to go to dublin for a day, cause my kids have never been to dublin and I havent been for 13 years to the city. I know thats sad isnt it. But dublin scares me, public transport and not being in control and the dart and the crowds and basically everything about not being in my comfort zone. Am I making sense?


Frances  Posted: 02/04/2009 15:14

Hi Anne,

Glad to hear you're doing ok. I'm grand this week TG. I know what you mean about the sleeplessness. My GP gave me Xanax to take when I'm over anxious and so I take 1 every night and sleep like a baby. He won't, of course, give them to me forever but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. The bright evenings will cheer us all up - I hope!

Take care and don't be afraid to email or ring me if you're "in trouble".

Regards to all


Anne   Posted: 02/04/2009 14:45

Hi Frances and all my friends,

I am doing o.k. and if I could get a good nights sleep I think that would help, but I feel I am getting better.  I will email you after the weekend.  I hope you are doing o.k. and not worrying, did I tell you just how kind you are?

Kay how are you long time no talk, I'm not forgetting you.  Helen keep in touch I love reading your letters.  

Bye for now and have a good weekend.

Love to you all Anne.   P.S. Where are you Tom?

Frances  Posted: 01/04/2009 18:18

Hi everyone,

Debbie - it will do you a lot of good writing here. Everyone here is very supportive because we're all in the same boat. I personally have never tried the herbal treatments but a niece of mine uses St.Johns Wort from time to time and swears by it. I'm afraid I don't have much faith in herbal treatments having tried EVERY ONE of them for menopause to no avail. It's an awful pity your boyfriend isn't very nice about your condition, after all, you didn't choose the condition. It can happen to anyone and he seems to be very cruel. I write my days feelings, whether good or bad, in a diary and find that helps A LOT. I look back on the days every now and again and know that I'm improving. There's no shame in going to your GP for antidepressants. They're non-addicitive and when they "kick in" there's a big difference to your life.

Anyway, keep writing here and we'll give you all the support you need

Regards to everyone (Anne are you OK?)


debbie h  Posted: 31/03/2009 21:21

Hi to everyone here.

I have been reading these pages every now and then, never dared to write anything myself until now that is..

I have been quite depressed, on and off, anxious just about anything really. My GP prescribed antidepressants, but I didn't think i would have quite needed them then. Went to councelling but had to stop for money reasons. At the same time i always thought i could handle it on my own.Things have gotten worse since the start of this year, I don't seem to be able to bounce back at all. I have never openly told my boyfriend about these things. He is not the one to talk about "feelings", eventhough he too gets depressed but deals with it dfferently or rather does not deal at all. And now it has come to him calling me an emotional wreck and psycho girlfriend, backboneless. He often asks if i am in a mood again... I often break down. I feel guilty for putting him through that too, after all it is not his duty to save me. Anyways, to the point.. I have been thinking about herbal remedies, St Johns Wort came up a lot. Something called Mind Soothe. I am wondering if anyone has ever taken this or other similar products and what they think of it, does it help?

I have to get my life under control, just so tired of dealing with myself mostly.

Please do let me know.

Frances  Posted: 31/03/2009 18:49

Hi Anne,

God, you don't have to apologise to me - I regard you as a good friend and I care deeply about all my family AND true friends. You're just at a low ebb and I know you're strong enough to come through with flying colours.

I had a very bad "panicky" attack in the local shopping centre on Sat. I don't know why it happened but I thought I was going to "run amok" so I rang my sister and she calmed me down enough so that I could drive home.

I'm at the end of the phone number I gave you, Anne, if you need to chat.

By the way, I posted a message a while ago that I had come off the anti-depressants - BIG MISTAKE! I'm back on them now because I know now I'm not as smart as my GP and I DO need medication for a while longer.

Hope everyone is doing well

Kindest regards


Anne   Posted: 30/03/2009 22:14

Hi Frances,

Please don't be upset, I am so so sorry. I knew I shouldn't have posted that. I needed to talk/write but didn't think about the consequences. I am so so sorry, you are indeed a kind and true friend and if I am at the end of my tether (as the saying goes) I will use your email don't you worry about me I have been down before and I know I will be fine again. I think all that has happened and the hospital etc. is only affecting me now, so again thank you and while I can't bear to think that I upset you I know that there are good kind people out there. Frances, when I am down I'm really down but, when I am up I will be "there" for you.

Thank you and all my friends.


Frances  Posted: 30/03/2009 18:25

Hi Anne,

I'm in tears here thinking about you. It's the depression that makes you think you can't trust anyone. There are LOTS of genuine people in our little world and you HAVE to talk things through with someone. I know you say hubby doesn't talk much but maybe he could just listen. I know that's probably what mine does. They can't do much about our "troubles" but a problem shared, is a problem halved! The professionals don't have time anymore to listen to us so we have to turn to each other. If you need to chat just email me ( and I'll do all I possibly can to help.

Your genuine friend


Anne   Posted: 30/03/2009 12:31

Hi Friends,

I am not the best at the moment depression wise and I need to talk but my counsellor is away won't be back until next Monday and has been away for a month. I am o.k. after my turn no permanent damage Thank God. I feel I can't trust anybody anymore, I feel a fool. I don't know who I can trust and its not a nice feeling. I hate opening my eyes every morning. I am letting the housework pile up around me. God this note is not making sense but nothing to me makes sense anymore. Hubby is coming out on retirement soon and all I can think of is, we are heading for the grave and the other part of me says I am only 58 hubby is 6 yrs older than me. He is the best in the world to me but he does not talk much and I am lonely. I haven't got the get up and go anymore. I know I am going to regret posting this red face etc. I could honestly do with a little support from my friends.

love Anne

Needhelp  Posted: 30/03/2009 11:00

Hi Kay,

Thanks for that. I went and bought some tonight so I will definitely give that a go. How long did it take before you got over the social anxiety. I'm contemplating getting hypnotised ive heard that works quite well.

I'm prepared to try anything at this stage. The doctor suggested going on some medication but i'm really not keen to give that a go at all.

If you ahve any other advise on what helped you that would be great. :)

Frances  Posted: 27/03/2009 18:27

Hi all,

Anne & Kay, I must be really "dopey". It never occurred to me that people would write on this forum just for "KICKS" - sick ba....ds! Is our mental health not bad enough without them making it worse.

I was with my GP yesterday and told him now nervous I am about going to USA - only 5 wks to go - I'm not counting down or anything!!!!!!!!!. He reckons I'll be fine because he knows my Dionne and that she's very loving and level headed AND a nurse to boot. I'm terrified I'll get panicky and I won't be able to jump into my car and come home! Please God, my grandchildren will keep me that busy I won't have time to panic!!

I hope you are all doing well and promise you I appreciate all your advice and am not taking the p..s out of you,


Kay  Posted: 26/03/2009 18:17

Ann, you know its strange but I too have wondered if all the posts on this forum were actually real. Some people post once and never heard of again and I have got feelings with certain ones that they might be taking the proverbial too. Its pathetic and very dissappointing to think that there are sickos out there who get kicks out of making up stories and trying to gain sympathy or laughs out of a forum like this one. Look, the way I look at it the ones who post here regularily are genuine and the ones who flit in and out are maybe not as in need of help as they think or just looking for attention by making up stories. You know most of us regulars now and I know I couldnt be without your wit and help in times that I have struggled so please dont let these others put you off posting to the rest of us. Please keep in touch.

Helen, my hubby is still farming and his parents have thrown him the odd bit of cash here and there. Not regularily and not consistent but I supose its better than nothing. He has applied for some jobs but still doesnt seem to be in a rush to leave the farm. My job is going ok, the boss is a bit of a company woman, wants you to do more work in less hours to save the firm cash and make her look better but the work is ok. I can effectively chose my own hours and as long as I do 10 hours a week its ok. I find sometimes that I have to talk myself into doing it because I can feel panic rising in me. I enjoy the job and I want to do it, I enjoy going to work and the feeling of being a real adult is good. The panic is I know misplaced and I have to remind myself that I am not trapped, I chose to do this and that I can always leave if I want to. Thanks for asking.

Needhelp, the spray your looking for is Rescue Remedy and its is good. In the past I have had the same symptoms as you when socialising, starting with dry mouth, sometimes diorrehea and nausea and its taken some work to find the cause of this reaction(theres always a cause). Rescue remedy is good and discreet so you can spray it on your tounge every few mins or seconds if you need it. It definately works. Excuse any bad spelling texting ruins my ability to spell correctly. thats my excuse and I am sticking to it anyway.

buzz  Posted: 25/03/2009 10:20

Anne I just read your post now, had a manic day yesterday. Sorry to hear you were not well, and that you feel others may have been taking the "proverbial", anyone who gets kicks like that is quite sad really, we have nothing to lose by being ourselves on these sites and being honest with opinions and beliefs because there is a certain safety behind the screen I suppose and therfore one is more free to express themselves. I am sure some of the people who give it "socks" on here are the ppl who would not say boo to a goose (is it a goose they dont say boo to in that saying?!) elsewhere. Regards and keep up the good posts.

Helen  Posted: 24/03/2009 21:43

Hi all,

Anne, just feel terrible that you might have been wasting your time on messers on other forums, that is the risk you take online. Well any replies you sent to me were really helpful and uplifting and i want you to know that.

Michael, well done on the fags, drink and medicine all at once, took the same as you and just remember grinding my teeth all the time, have had to have lots of dental work since so mind your self, its hard on the body but eases the mind.

good luck


Frances  Posted: 24/03/2009 18:06

Hi everyone,

Michael, I also have great faith in ginger for sick stomach. I either grate a bit of the natural root and if that's not to hand, a gingernut biscuit can help believe it or not!

Anne, sorry to hear you've been so ill. Get well soon. I'll light a candle for you - you're a terrific person.

I got a back tooth extracted yesterday (with the help of Valium). That was a major step for me (terrified of the dentist) but didn't want to be in agony when I go to USA.

Against all the advice by the medical profession, I stopped taking the antidepressants last week and so far so good. I spent an hour talking to the consultant psychriatist in James's hospital and after that I felt "I'm sick of all this" and made up my mind to try and get well on my own so, finger's crossed!!

Hope everyone is well


buzz  Posted: 24/03/2009 15:19

Hi Michael fair play to you for going cold turkey on so many things! For really bad nausea, I found motilium suppositories work brilliantly. Now I know I will be shot down for saying that but honestly they are the only things that ever worked for me! They are fairly strong, and naturally prescription only but maybe have a chat with your doctor. Standard motilium tabs are great but hit and miss, as so often with nausea there is vomitting so ingesting a tab may not be worthwhile. Failing that, I always found that a few drops of concentrated ginger in a glass of cold water is great for settling. You can actually feel the ginger cooling your stomach afetr you take it! It's hard to drink, but worth it! Good luck!

michael  Posted: 24/03/2009 13:18

hi, i stopped drinking and gave up smoking aswell this week..useing the 15mg patch and still get cravings. hope they go away soon. also i started to use an anti-depressant called efexor 75 mg. and god the nausea is bad. as if craving for a smoke wasn't bad enough. just wondering is there anything out there to settle the stomach in some way.


Anne   Posted: 24/03/2009 11:52

Hi Helen,

Thanks for for asking about me Helen you are very kind. I was sitting at my computer actually I was answering a letter on this site and I had a "turn" eventually husband came home and an ambulance was called, I had a stroke. Apparently my blood pressure was sky high as the saying goes. I was kept in hospital for a couple of weeks to bring my BP down and my medications were changed. Helen I have been writing in to many forums on Irish Health so I got to know the people and the site very well. I then noticed that there were a few so called subscribers that I feel were not genuine so I felt I was being made a fool of. I will be surprised if this is allowed be printed because some very harmless statements were just cut. So Helen, I feel a little let down and disappointed that I was replying to a few people on other forums that were just filling space or advertising.

Take care of yourself and love to all my other friends.



Needhelp  Posted: 23/03/2009 23:22


I was wondering if anyone had some help or advise for me. I'm suffering from more of a social anxiety where if im in a social situation i get very anxious and i get a tight chest, get the need to have diahoreah and often i get so nautious to the point i vomit.

I have lost a lot of weight because of this and after i have an attack it takes me a few days to get back to normal. The doctor tried to put me on some medication but after taking one tablet it made me so sick i decided to not take them anymore. I have opted the more natural approach with herbal things. I also take seredyn i don't know if anyone has heard of that. I have been told there is a spray you can use under your tongue that is meant to be good but i'm not sure of what its called.

if anyone has any suggestions or advise on ways to beat this i would be most greatful.

Helen  Posted: 23/03/2009 22:22

Hi Anne, Kay, Frances and all..., just checking all ok?

Anne are you very sick? can you tell us or is it being edited? Hope nothing serious, yes i miss your posts too, hope you can get online again soon.

Kay, how are you this weather, how is your husband doing on the farm, any sign of financial reward yet? How is your job going?

Better go, still doing ok but mood a bit down this week, went swimming this evening and it really picked me up, have to keep on top of things.

Love to all


unclerodge  Posted: 22/03/2009 20:18

hi. my wife had a cyst like boil on her cheek for the last 9 months. she's 55 and had a breast reconstruction due to breast cancer in 2005. she's positive and great about it all since.

anyhow we contacted our plastic surgeon who did the breast in 2005. he said he would do the cyst in january just gone.

it came and went! in february, he phoned to tell her he had a cancellation for that afternoon.

she got the cyst lanced and was home again that evening.

then we had to wait for the results!!!!!

well 2 weeks ago on a friday at 4.15, my wife was alone in the house when the hospital phoned......the voice said she was ringing from the hospital to have skin cancer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!my poor wife was in tears and reported to the hospital on the monday.

over the weekend! some weekend! we were up the walls with worry!

well she had another piece and a lymph node removed! we now must wait......2 more weeks for the result!!

we are sending a letter of complaint to the HSE about the way they inform patients of bad news! they told us.....that's the way we do it here!!!!!

have they no concept of peoples feelings? are doctors not trained in this? telling people bad news. NOT OVER THE PHONE!!!!!!!


Frances  Posted: 20/03/2009 18:16

Thanks Anne, you're the best!!!!!

Anne   Posted: 18/03/2009 12:42

Hi Friends,

My letters are being edited so if they appear a bit odd please bear that in mind. Thanks for the good wishes, I had a bad scare and landed in hospital for about two weeks but I am fighting fit again.

Frances of course you are going to have wobblies at the thought of your trip, but if I may remind you, your love for your daughter and her family is going to keep you focused and literally carry you all the way if you let it, keep focused, despite what your "good for nothing" EX lesser half tried to do your daughter wants you in her and your grand children's life Go Girl! and remember I offered to carry your case and I will carry you if you want (you have to buy the ticket) be happy and know that you have won your daughter back into your life and there is more to follow, Life is Good!

There I go again, telling people what to do, it comes from the heart I promise.

Love ya all Anne

Kay  Posted: 16/03/2009 22:44

Anne my friend I was wondering where you were gone. Glad to hear you are doing ok. Missed seeing your posts. Frances, arent some people bad beyond belief? Your husband was a very difficult man to turn the children against you. I hope all goes well for you when you see your daughter. I am sure it will be a huge source of happiness to you meeting grandchildren for the first time too. We will be talking to you before you go I hope.

Johno  Posted: 16/03/2009 22:41

My Past is haunting me.

As maybe you are aware I am an unhappily married man with a spouse who is hard to live with. I take blame for my own part in this failing relationship as I lack happyness and expression for the last 6 years. If I could turn back time I would have never married this woman but saying that we have one joy in our lives, our little girl.

About 10 yrs ago my then fiancee left me after me being involuntarily sectioned into a psychiatric unit. She was and still is the love of my live and my loss runs so deep even after all this time. I miss her and I am deeply in love with her and I do not know where and how she is to this day. My broken heart is hurting so much I have slipped into depression. Oh my God I miss her so much it hurts me physically and makes me feel like hurting myself the pain is so bad. Her picture is continuasly in my head and the good and bad times weve had come and go like the ebb of the tide. I think of her every waking moment and when i sleep i dream of her.

Where does one go from here I am a broken man without a future, I will be ending my relationship with my spouse sooner or later that is for certain. My little girl will miss her daddy and visa versa but she will be in a better place with her mommy. I have made huge mistakes in my live and i will have to start to sort them out before i find my resting place.


Frances  Posted: 16/03/2009 18:50

Hi Anne,

Hope you are doing well after your stay in hospital.

I was staying with my sister for a few days last week and thought I'd never get home! Normally it's fun staying with her but I didn't sleep well and all she wanted to do was go to the pub. I can't do that anymore - not every day anyway - and found her very hard work when drunk and thought to myself "I can't do this anymore" and came home a day early. The whole episode triggered off my "anxious self" and I've had to take valium every day since coming home. I'm really worried now about going to America in May. I can't run home so easy from there!

Hope everyone is doing well


buzz  Posted: 16/03/2009 11:11

Hi Anne

Was wondering where you had gone! Hope you are well after your hospital stay.



Anne   Posted: 15/03/2009 15:20

Hi Friends,

Just out of hospital Friday and I am delighted to be back home. How are you all, Helen and Kay and Frances I didn't do a "Shirley Valentine". Buzz/Lou you will wear yourself out, you are one of the most energetic debaters, I admire your staying power.

Tom how are you doing, just drop us a line and let us know. I'll say bye for now I have little or no energy and am still quite weak but had to say hello.

All the best Anne


Frances  Posted: 14/03/2009 18:48

Hi Kay,

A very messy divorce was one of the reasons I lost contact with my 3 children and the other reason is my horrible ex husband! He was a dreadfully bitter man when I left him so he poisoned my children against me! If I had been a stronger person that wouldnt have happened with hindsight is a great thing! My eldest got back in touch with me nearly 2 yrs ago and I'm going to USA in May to see her and her little family and I have to say that is making a big difference to my depressed life. I just want to hold her and never let go!

I'm still having "panicky" feelings every few days but hope seeing my girl will help.

Hope you are all well


Kay  Posted: 13/03/2009 19:34

This thing with your partner is not going to help you in the least little bit in fact its going to drive you to feeling even more anxious and depressed. Is there any love there between you two because if theres not the best thing you can do is take a step back and see if your life would be that awful without her. I know there is a child in the equation and that makes it harder. Kids pick up everything, they can sense anger from adults, they can tell when something is not quite right. Johno you can do this. You can get well again but you cannt go on living with this abuse and anger from your partner. If a woman was living with these threats and insults then there would be uproar but because you are a man society looks on you differently. What your partner is doing is abuse and nothing less. Nobody should live like you are living you need all the emotional support now you can get. When she starts going off on one can you get up and go out for a walk or go to a different room, just walk away from the situation even if its only temporary but it will give both her and you a chance to diffuse. Just keep posting your worries here at least thats releasing some of your anxiety some one is always willing to help. All the best mind yourself this will pass and the feelings of desperation will pass too.

buzz  Posted: 13/03/2009 14:54

Hi Johno

Sorry to hear you are not in the best place right now. Have you thought about explaining to your wife that by constantly threatening to leave you, she seems to be adding to your anxiety load? It is the last thing you need, and if she wants you to get better then she should stop loading false threats onto you and making you feel worse. It is a catch 22 but she is feeding into it! Nobody should make threats that they are not willing to follow through on (well people should not give their partners ultimatums anyway) but it sounds like she enjoys throwing around these threats to keep you "on your toes" or whatever her motive is, but you have to wonder, why hasnt she followed through on them yet? Ask yourslef how many times has she threatened to leave? And if she is so sure that is what she wants, why hasnt she? I do not wish to add to the mind games that are at play here, because there is a lot more going on, but she is not doing you any favours on your road to recovery by making you feel bad about yourself. I hope that you will feel better soon, regards

Johno  Posted: 12/03/2009 22:44

I have a old friend back to haunt me, unreality, nothing feels real even to touch. My hands dont feel as if they are mine either. Having a worrying feeling the anxiety is moving up a level. Also feeling out of my body a bit weird sorta feeling, am wondering if I should go to Doc again and ask for help and reassurance. But the lovely offer of a brief stay in hospital is what i fear most of all. Am coming down on valium at the moment so this could explain things why things feel so weird. Am taking it very slowly with withdrawal as had bad experiences in the past with valium.

My relationship is still holding on despite really difficult times. I stood up for myself at the last family therapy and my fear of being beaten is out in the open also my spouse has threatened to leave me if things dont change this is also out in the open. The therapists are really seeing whats going on in our relationship now and my spouse will have to control her temper they said. My wife did want to leave the session but she stayed on till the end. Afterwards I got the inquisition and the verbals again and this has continued since the therapy. Shouting has started and I am waiting for more threats of leaving or having her say she really feels like beating me come up again. I do not deserve to be left alone or beaten. I am suffering with my depression and anxiety enough. We also have a young daughter to think about so things wont be to easy to part if it comes to it.

Why oh why has it come to this, why does mental illness break up families? I have very few needs in life and am a good husband and father but i cannot face another break-up, my mind wont cope.

Kay  Posted: 12/03/2009 20:25

Hi all, do any of you get palpitations? I know of other people who do have them as well as other symptoms? This is really throwing me. I keep thinking that having one will throw me into a full blown panic attack. I hate panic attacks because they are the times when we feel so alone and lost and like "right this is it I am finally going over the edge". I know panic attacks wont kill me and I know panic attacks are a symptom of whats really bothering me. But why the hell then even knowing all that do they still freak me out? Im having the most horendous nightmares and waking up feeling absolutely petrified and the palpatations. Help please.

Helen  Posted: 11/03/2009 14:11

Hi all just checking in on you.

Kay you are right i am going to weekly counselling and will continue as i went today and there were a lot of tears. still it is so helpfull and though i don't consider myself depressed anymore i need to keep an eye on negative thoughts.

Kay i totally agree about the health system not getting to the bottom of things. i think talking is the way, maybe even to non-consellors but maybe some sort of supervised group therapy could be set up to get people talking if one to one is too expensive. We can be so isolated at times that we can't begin to talk about things, and our families and friends are not the people we really want to open up to at times.

Anyway thanks for being there and understanding.

talk soon


ps Anne where have you gone?

Kay  Posted: 10/03/2009 19:40

Frances, it must be very hard for you not seeing your children. No matter what age we are our parents are our parents and our children will always be our children. I hope you find solace sometime soon with you children. Is there a drastic reason why there is no contact there? You dont have to answer that I am just trying to figure out your family dynamics. If is any help, I know my relationship with my mother will never be the same one its been for 38 years and although I will always love her, I feel she let me down and didnt mind me the way she should have. I did stop seeing her for a while but now see her again because I do care what happens to her.

Helen, hi. I can understand your feeling an almost loss at the shifting of your depression. Having been depressed for so long, it becomes all we know and when it starts to move or shift we are left feeling unsure. I am very happy that you are moving on from this and I know you were in therapy like myself. I hope you truely get the happiness your deserve and I hope you keep helping others like you are because after all therapy is re-training for us and new learning techniques for us. I dont know about you but I feel I have gotten so much out of counselling/therapy that I feel compelled to pass some knowledge onto others although I know lots of people still arent in on the secret!!That the body stores memories and something that happened a long time ago can raise its ugly head in different forms like depression and illness and not go away until its addressed.

Did anyone see the programme on RTE 1 last night? It was briefly about a 16 yr old boy who took his own life and his family were on talking about him and the way they have been since it happened. I found myself watching the best part of it and thinking that his passing was totally unecessary. I believe if he had got the right kind of help then he would have been able to deal with stuff that happened him years earlier. I believe passionately, that, a lot of doctors are treating stymptoms of depression but not the main cause and to find the main cause takes time, patience and resources like therapy or counselling which unfortuneately is not available in this country to people who cannt afford it. I hate this and what annoys me even more is that over the years money has been pumped into things like the Dublin spire (which cost big bucks) instead of the health and wellbeing of ordinary people. Before anyone from "Arty Circles" jumps down my throat I am all on for art, I draw myself, but the medical system in this country is so out of date its pre-historic. There i feel better now after that ranting and raving.

Anne, Tom and Patricia, how are you all doing. Where are you all?

Kay  Posted: 08/03/2009 13:11

Hi Johno, your post is a very sad one, but will you please do like Buzz says and find one thing to keep you wanting to live? I know when i feel so low I think of my kids theyre still only very little and need me even though sometimes I am a wreck. I have put my husband through a rough time past couple of years and he's still there for me. I am not so sure that I could do the same for him if the situation were the other way around. Being intimate with my hubby has been a trying situation to say the least and here too he has been amazingly patient. Guys I know my issues are from my childhood and I know that all that we see and hear and is done to us as kids makes us into the adults we are today. So none of us or you guys are mad or insane. Buzz is right, none of us wants to die, but suicide seems to be the only thing that might stop the constant pain and anxiety. Johno, family therapy once a week is not enough. You need to go for therapy on your own, is that possible at all? You need to concentrate on yourself for now and once you start to deal with your baggage then your partner will benefit too. Going to a therapist has to be on a weekly basis for you to form a bond or trusting relationship with someone whom you are going to tell your inner most fears and thoughts to. The flippin health service is a disgrace that people who need regular therapy have to wait months to be seen by someone and then only on a monthly basis after that. It wont work like this.

Lou, if your head is spinning with constant chatter and worries then it is hard to pinpoint the things that are bothering you. Start by writting down stuff, it doesnt matter if it doesnt make sense. Write down thoughts and words (for your viewing only), and very slowly the pressure will start to lift. It doesnt work quickly but it does work I can vouch for that. I have diaries scattered all over my house from the past years.

guys you will be ok. This fear and panic can only reach a certain point so take comfort that if you have had this for a while now then you have reached your worse point. You can only get better from here on in. Please talk to someone tell someone if your feel so bad you cannt make it through the next hour. Kay.

Helen  Posted: 06/03/2009 22:28

Hi Kay, thanks for replying, I know what you mean about being afraid to get too complacent, but then again I feel the need to stop “thinking” about my anxiety, depression etc at the moment as believe it might be stopping me moving on – am at a crossroads at the moment and was trying to explain a loss of connection I feel to my usual persona full of anxiety and unease about life – not easy to explain that I feel so much better lately that maybe I have ACTUALLY changed my way of thinking about life. Do you ever feel that when you look back a couple of years that you don’t recognize yourself, I mean the depressed version of yourself?? What I am trying to say is I think for me my depression is over, completely over and I find it hard to accept an end as it took over my life for a good few years.

Buzz the hairs stood up on my neck when I read your post, it was a chillingly perfect description of something that I went through for 7 years. I can’t believe someone I have never met could describe my life for me – it reminds me of that song “Killing me softly, with his words”.

Johno, please read that post again and again, it could be so important if it feels true, I wish a Buzz would have written that for me when I needed it. Johno I believe you are on this forum to get some help and we are all HERE for you, we will help you day by day and you can start to remove the pain you are in slowly day by day. Are you seeing a counselor? I would strongly recommend you do this and find someone to talk to and support you now.

Lou, I understand the constantly tired, anxious feelings you have are so real they are there and they won’t just disappear overnight, but with some planning you can start to tackle your thoughts. The hatred is also real and there is a reason you feel like you hate the world but I can promise you it can’t last forever if you can begin to unravel your feelings. I hated the world and everyone I met for so long but honestly now I don’t, not anymore, don’t want to sound smug or complacent so sorry if I do, just want you to know that for every problem there really is a solution and you need help to find them right now. It’s the hatred and anxiety making you so tired you can’t function or see clearly.

Thinking of you all


Frances  Posted: 06/03/2009 18:31

Hi Johno,

I also think you are being controlled. I was "controlled" for 21 yrs by the man I married when I was 18 (I'll be 58 in July). He spent all that time telling me I was ugly and stupid! Maybe it was because I was so young but I believed him. I left him in 1990 and thought things would change for me but no such luck!

The phychiatrist says I spend too much time looking back but I can't seem to leave all the demons behind me. Every day is a struggle but I have to keep going. I thought about ending it all (several times) but I have to think of who I would hurt by doing that. I have 3 children although I have no contact with 2 of them. I have 2 beautiful grandchildren and last but definitely not least, I have my wonderful, patient, and caring partner.

I know life doesn't always seem worthwhile but think how distraught your beautiful little girl would be if you weren't there! You don't want to miss her growing up! I miss my children like mad and hope and pray they'll come back to me someday.

I'll be thinking of you over the weekend. Stay strong minded and don't let "anyone" get you down.

Take good care of yourself and let us know how you are getting on


Allie47  Posted: 06/03/2009 16:35

Hi everyone... it's just me.... I'm doing better, but still struggling.... but I wanted to share this depression chat room link with you guys, that might be in need of something like that... so here goes all you need to do is sign in with a nick name of your choice and your in.... well wanted to pass that on, it's been helpful to me. Hope everyone is well, I am slowly improving, but just sometimes not sure what my problem is,... just don't feel ok... hmmmm. Well, working on it, and my best to all.... I have compassion for all of your ups and downs.... be well


buzz  Posted: 06/03/2009 16:22

Hi Johno I may be out of line saying this and tell me if I am but it sounds a little like you are being controlled. I have experienced (or should I say AM experiencing) this. It starts off (as most abusive patterns do) quite "mild" shall we say. First your partner has a fight with your best mate and you find yourself in a position where you are being forced to choose between them. If someone really loved you, they wouldnt expect you to fight their battles, especially if it involves losing your lifelong friend. Then it spreads to people in your family. You are told "I dont want you to see that person anymore because they dont treat you right" - they make it sound like they are looking out for you but this is just another form of control. I have found myself apologising for things I have not done just for peace sake or I will promise to "improve my behaviour" but at the back of my mind I am thinking hang on what exactly have I done wrong? What am I apologising FOR? I often feel like a child being spoken down to and am regularly told that I am "slipping back to my old ways". Eventually you find yourself in a situation where the smallest things like going for a sociable pint with colleagues, buying a new pair of shoes or even spending an hour having coffee with a friend become these huge sagas that involve lying, justifying oneself and being sent on a guilt trip. Of course spending time with family or going away for a few days is out of the question. These people pretend to love us (and may even have convinced themselves that they do) but controlling someone is not the same as loving someone. Take parents for example. Most of them love their children but eventually let them go to become their own person. Although it is hard for them, they let us flourish because they love us and want us to be happy. A controlling person does not love the person they control. They do not want them to be happy. At the end of the day, even though they will try their best to make us feel like we are the ones in the wrong the whole time, it is the control freak who has the problem, not the other person. THEY are the ones who are so emotionally screwed they feel the need to dominate and "own" others.

I have thought about suicide on numerous occasions and I am no stranger to self harm, all I can say to you for now is that earlier I read a small piece of advice re suicide. It simply said that suicide is an attempt to end pain, but it actually just ends life. Ending life is not the same as ending pain, and we have to remember there is a distinction there. if we can find a way to end pain WITHOUT ending life, wouldnt that be brilliant. If we die now, how will we know if things MIGHT JUST have improved and life might have become worth living?

I know I am nobody to preach because I am in a dark place now myself where it does seem like an easy option. Most of the time, the only thing that stops me from doing it is I would feel so guilty that I could not do that to my parents. If they were not around, I think I would be more casual in my decision. I recognise that I need to work on surviving for ME not for THEM but still, it is a reason to keep going so I hold onto it. Can you find a reason? Perhaps your beautiful little child? If you can just find one thing that you can say "ok I want to keep going for x,y or z reason" then that is something. If you want to share your reason with us, do! I think we need all the positivity we can get here at the moment!

I hope you will be ok over the weekend?

Johno  Posted: 06/03/2009 12:17

There is nothing worse than fighting with ones partner when one is depressed or anxious. I find a lot of my conflicts are about me not facing up to my fears, my spouse gets frustrated and has on occasion threatened to leave me if things dont change. She also gets so angry that she said she feels like beating me. She has expressed her feelings that i have changed over the last 7 years of our marriage. I am either depressed or anxiuos most of the time and i fear going places and as a family (we also have a young daughter) i am unable to act out my role as a proper husband and father. I feel our relationship is near its end as she is just angry with me all the time, and to be honest i am afraid of her. I feel like cutting myself when we fight as i feel so bad. We also have not been intimate for around 5 years. What do people think is it over.????

We attend family therapy every 3 weeks but this just seems to keep the lid on a boiling pot. I am so afraid i will lose my little family through my depression and anxiety. I feel at times like ending it all. I have had 3 recent admissions to psy. unit and i feel worse for going in there, it doesnt really help me, once in i want out.

I am so sick with fear i am going to lose everything in my life and end up taking my own when the break up happens.

Please help me


Lou  Posted: 06/03/2009 10:40

Hi Frances sorry to hear you are feeling so blue. I am going through a really dark patch myself, had a blow up row with the old ball and chain this morning and things gone from bad to worse. Honestly I sometimes wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up! Then I always feel bad for having such thoughts because life hasnt been bad to me, and there are people much worse off, there are also those who died young who I am sure would have loved an extra few years. I said to my partner last night and she thought I was mad, that I would rather die young than grow old but its true. i feel so totally stale and bled dry and I am only 25. I feel like I have lived for 90 years and I am just so TIRED all the time. It doesnt make any sense.

Frances  Posted: 05/03/2009 18:58

Hi all,

My God Lou, all I can say is "ditto". I think I'm losing my mind. Have NEVER felt this low and don't think I can handle this "blackness" for much longer!!!!!!


Lou  Posted: 05/03/2009 09:58

Hi Kay thank you for thinking of me. To be honest I feel like I am really losing the plot these days. getting lots of sleep but constantly tired, anxious but I cant pin my anxiety to any one single cause its like a general "cloud" of anxiety that is hanging around me. I am like an "anger ball" all the time and becoming irate about silly things and really getting stressed over nothing. I feel like I hate the world and my life and am so afraid of being like this forever!

Kay  Posted: 04/03/2009 20:28

Helen you are not shallow, I know when I am in a good space in my head that I dont check on this forum as much as when I am not. I think its just that we are busy getting on with our everyday lives, because we can, and the urgency isnt there so much. So dont feel bad, I too have been pretty good over all in the past while, there are lots of issues for us all to work through still but I think how we know we are recovering is the good days become more in number than the bad days. Having said that, part of me is afraid to get too complacent just in case!!!! anyway hi Anne, Tom,Johnno and Lou. You never answered us Lou, just let us know you are ok.

Helen  Posted: 03/03/2009 20:17

Hi everyone, i am reading your posts but haven't really got an answer for anyone in general. i believe we are the super sensitive in the kindest way and feel more than others or let our feelings effect us deeply. however just keep writing all your thoughts as i love reading them. i feel that a lot of my anxiety has gone at the moment and wish some of your fears and feelings of loss of control etc could ease as well. It is just that things are good for the first time in ages but it doesn't mean that i can't understand. i just don't know what to write to cheer anyone up today - sorry it sound so shallow, i wish i had Anne and Kays gift to answer posts but i am reading if that helps and wish you all had a big safety bubble surrounding you so that nothing or no one could hurt you if that makes sense xx H

Johno  Posted: 02/03/2009 12:25

Hello Lou.

The only self help technique that i find in someway beneficial is deep breathing. It doesent always work, but i suppose its relative to the seriousness of the anxiety attack. Also breathing into a paper bag helps get your oxygen levels correct again if you are hyperventilating. if you are hyperventilating your heart rate increases and by correcting by deep breathing usually slows the heart rate down. I realise its hard to deal with and my thoughts are with you.


Tom  Posted: 02/03/2009 12:00

Hi Tom here,

Anne Kay and all thank you for your posts, very much appreciated, a little quieter today and am grateful for that. I will read over posts again when I settle a bit more. I hope you are all doing okay. Trying to think positively. All the best Tom

Kay  Posted: 01/03/2009 18:52

Hi Lou, where have you been? The feelings you are describing are very well known to us all. The best thing I can tell you to do is share the feelings. I know this sounds off the wall but telling someone you trust is important. I text my hubby all the time and usually the message just says "I am feeling anxious" to which all he has to reply is" I hear you". This has taken me a while to get used to doing because I didnt want to burden him, but it works. I usually immediately feel better, even if only marginally. You have got to find one person, one will do and know that any time day or night you can pick up the phone or text just to know someone is really there for you. Keeping these scary and very debilitatlng thoughts inside your head is only going to drive you to distraction. So just tell someone please.

Hiya Anne, I just noticed today I am on this forum for almost two years now. I couldnt believe it two years. I dont know where the time has gone. And on this momentus occasion I would like to thank all my friends here for their huge support without which I would find this journey sooooo much harder. I hope we all continue to help each other in the coming decade or so. Kay.

Lou  Posted: 27/02/2009 11:59

I'm so anxious today. Stomach is in knots and heart pounding. Does anyone have any self help techniques that may alleviate these symptoms? Feel like I am going mad Yell

Anne   Posted: 27/02/2009 11:58

Hi Tom, Kay et al,

How are you today Tom, sit down at the keyboard and let us know because we care. Kay and I will be wondering all weekend. Did our ideas help, more important, did you put any of them into practice, you must because they are tools to help you. At the risk of embarrassing you Tom, you are one hell of a strong man to go through all this discomfort, but you don't think you are, do you. We are all wonderful people on this forum because we do not get life easy and yet we deal with it, think about it Tom.

Tom know that we care about you so relax and know that you are not alone.


Kay  Posted: 26/02/2009 20:00

Tom, are you talking about all this with someone? Please, its so important that we get this stuff out. Keeping things inside your head only makes the panicky thoughts go faster and faster. Are you keeping a journal? Just for you no-one else is allowed to see this, so you can write down every thought no matter how obscure. I have been writting for the past 18 months, every second day at least I try and spend at least half an hour writting my fears and thoughts. I know this sounds airy fairy, but it works it really does. Anne is right your mother is in a safe place. It seems to me sometimes that when we are at our lowest and most vulnerable that something else is piled up onto our plate and we wonder how we can make it through another hour let alone another day. Tom is your partner aware how you feel or do you tell her your fears? Its not a sign of weakness to tell her, its a sign of how you trust her enough to open up to her. Please know that this fear will pass and when you think you cannt take another breath, stop and just be. Just sit still even for a minute or two. Know we are all thinking of you and willing you to be well again. You are a strong man Tom, you can do this. You will be ok.

Anne, have we got the same therapist????? There are so many similarities between us. I can see the same pattern emerging between what we are both being taught by our therapists. They must have gone to the same school!!!!You are right about fear, I hate the word. And the job issue is a tough one, there are so many people in the world working in jobs that they hate. people take jobs temporarily just for a few months until they get their dream job and end up staying for years at the cost of their health and happiness. Unfortuneately theres no choice for lots of people. My hubby as you know is out of work and working for free on his parents farm. He is loving every second of it, its definately his dream job now if he could get payed for it , then that would be great. He looks years younger and he is not grey in the face anymore like he was coming up to christmas before he lost his job. Anne, its good to see you in such a good place in your head. You seem to be taking giant steps in being free and healthy. good for you.

Hello to the rest of the gang. Patricia I miss your posts hope you are ok.

Anne   Posted: 26/02/2009 12:57

Hi Tom,

You are not moaning!, you are not complaining! and you are not feeling sorry for yourself, you are WORRYING so you are writing in to your friends and  AIRING your worries with your friends, your new word is "airing", if we can do it so can you.

I am sorry you are having a bad time of it at the moment, if these things came one at a time we could deal with them but they are like bus's they all arrive together.  Can I ask you a few questions you do not have to answer them but my idea is to breakdown your worries in to small pieces and you deal with them one by one.  

Is there anybody else to share the burden of your worry for you Mother, for instance is there anybody who can share the visiting with you.  Are you responsible financially for her, if so there is a lot of help you can avail of.  After those questions now think, she is safe and in good hands, so you don't have to worry about her care in that respect.  

Read your letters you posted in here when you were on good days and draw from those, you were here before and you will come out the other side as you always do.

My hubby's Mother was 90 when she died last year and she was hopping on planes every two weeks because she had nobody else, she became so cranky her friends wouldn't visit, she had home help and that was it.  Then she had a bad fall, so on the plane we jumped and stayed until she was out of hospital and into a home, she came to really like it.  We managed we are still here and sane.

It happens life gives you lemons it is up to you to make lemonade, and I know you can manage, it is FEAR that is getting to you.  Please do not fear anything, and please please stop being so hard on yourself, you are managing just as well as the rest of us, just you don't know it because you don't mix.

Are you feeling guilty because your partner works "non Stop" it sounds as though that little guilt creature is nagging away at you, put him in the bin he is no good for you.  You also said that ye would be considered lucky there goes that little guilt creature, put him in the bin.  You and your partner are are working yes, just because there is a recession you are supposed to be thankful and not complain because you have a job WRONG the job is only good if you are enjoying it and it is not stressing you out.

The last thing I want you to read is, You Are Not Losing It, you are worrying and and that is your enemy, take the lid off the bin and throw that in also.

Break your concerns down into to tiny pieces and take up one at a time and deal with it, and get help regarding your mother if you need it.  Old age is a natural progression these things happen, she is in good hands.

Hope something in this letter helps,

Your friends are always here

Anne  (Every day say I am managing as well as the next person!)

Kay  Posted: 25/02/2009 21:32

Hi Helen, my mother told my mother-in-law.  My mother in law is a nice woman but in the 17 years that I have known her I have never been comfortable with her enough to go into the stuff that happened me.  What annoyed me most about my mother telling was the fact that she was making it into a drama and almost getting on a high because she made my mother in law cry by telling her some of the details of what happened to me.  When my mom was telling me all about the conversation between them, she was animated and happy.  She didnt protect me when I was little and shes not doing it now either.  I hate her for that.  I told my mother yesterday to please stop telling people about me, its not her decision to do it and its very dissrespectful to me.  She pulled the guilty card and tryed to make me feel bad once again.  Its so hugely dissappointing when your parent lets you down on such a grand scale.  I too Helen, am with my therapist still almost 18 months now and although I know things are changing they are very slow.  When you decide to go to therapy and honestly want to get better it means taking everything out of your heart, soul, body and mind and turning it inside out and upside down and slowly putting things back in that make you feel good and happy.  It means we cannt pick and chose what to change, everything comes out and every relationship and friendship will be affected by what you discover about yourself and because of that things will never be the same again.  Its very tough and I would have turned the clock back and not started therapy at all if I had known how hard it was going to be, but  finally in the last 4 weeks I see the light and the reason I chose to go to therapy in the first place.  I know the journey doesnt finish the day I end therapy, its a work in progress, its something that i will have to work on for the rest of my life.  Thats a daunting thought. 

Anne, hiya. You are right about meds not being a cure all. They certainly help and I said before I probably wouldnt be here only for meds because they got me through a time when i could barely breathe let alone live. For that I am truely grateful. But anxiety is caused by an underlying reason, always.  Even though the reasons might not be apparently obvious at the time, there is always a reason and you know, while some might scoff at that idea, I actually get comfort in it because it means that we are not insane or mad but that there is actually a real reason for us to feel the way we do.  So thank you Anne for reminding me of that fact. Its easy to forget sometimes when your head is not in a good place.

Oh, by the way the job is going well, I am still trying not to panic and freak out about this "committment" I have made. I have to keep saying it out loud, "I can do this". 

Tom  Posted: 25/02/2009 18:44

Hi all , my mother had a turn and has had to go to a nursing home, things  were bad with me prior to this, but the responsibility and shock has left me reeling. Am also becoming  more and more isolated, do not know how to stop this slide. Panic feeling sick and vomiting is what is happening  a lot now. When I am like this I am not in anyway able for the job  that I do. My partner works non stop and we  would be considered to be the lucky ones at the moment with the job crisis and  the  recession. She is very stressed and really does not realise how stressed I am Afraid I will  completely loose control. Trying to focus on one hour at a time. It gives me hope to see  positivity on the line, sorry if this sounds like a feel sorry for myself. Take care everyone Tom        

Anne   Posted: 25/02/2009 09:39

Hi Friends,

Kay thank you so much for your lovely words they mean a lot to me, thank you. Life is good for me at the moment I am in a good place head wise, I am getting on with researching ways to further my story writing both Patricia and and my counsellor have encouraged me to "go for it".

Johnno, I am on Efexor XL high dose and I have no fluid retention and, I would be familiar with that problem, no it doesn't have that effect on me. They are the most effective med. for me so I don't intend coming off them anytime soon. I find though that meds. won't solve all problems and don't cause them either most of the time. In 2008 two people left my life and they (they didn't know it) was causing most of my depression so with the help of a counsellor and making changes and realising what was happening to me has helped, hope that helps.

Helen I always love to see your postings, I hope you are o.k. and Tom how are you today.

To all have a good day WHY! because you deserve it!


Helen  Posted: 25/02/2009 07:58

Johno, if it helps at all i was on EffexorXL for 18 months and was able to come off it (yes, it was not nice but its possible if you set up a plan and go slow).

Otherwise you can change meds, hope things settle down, its not fair that you have to go through all the side effects but know that its quite a new area for medecine. Imagine what they used to get away with doing to patients in the old days, shudder to think.

Anne, glad the weekend away was good and you got some compliments!!

Kay I think your mother is wrong, as are so many people who think they can talk about their children in disrespectful ways. I get the feeling you will not be able to change her but you can ask her not to upset you in this way, did she tell someone you trust or not?

Tom, hope your bad day is over? Is something in particular getting to you or is it general?

I am going to my counsellor today and i know that the thought of going cheers me up so much I look forward to it, so prob not ready to stop yet.

love to all


Kay  Posted: 24/02/2009 21:46

Anne do you know what, you are always there for the rest of us. whenever I log onto this forum, you are usually the first one to respond and if not for me then the rest of the gang. You are a good reliable friend. You have a wicked sense of humour(thats good by the way) and you are very wise. I am very glad that we all have the good fortune of counting on you as a friend. Happy to hear that you had a good weekend. My mother is wrecking my head and I know that deep down she has some major issues to cause her to be so self involved. She had a very mixed up family life and her own mother died when she was only 4 months old. I am softer on her for these reasons and I know she would never intentionally hurt me, so for now I tell her when shes crossed a line with me, I dont jump to her tune anymore but still I let her know that I love her and want her in my life. By the way Anne, I hope things are ok with yourself and hubby. WHen our partners cause us to feel bad and anxious, its hard because we cannot get away from the fact that they are under the same roof as us. Just keep writting and talking and we have a good give out together.

Johno, you are having a rough time of it. The urine retention doesnt sound like a side effect of meds, having said that I cannot say for sure. Changing meds is horrible, its like starting all over again. I know this from experience. I used to pray to god that the next one would work better, and I could even experience a little bit of joy or peace. Its a horrible place to be but it does improve. It does get better. Johno are you seeing your psychiatriast on a regular basis or just every few weeks? Hope you feel a little bit better soon.

Johno  Posted: 23/02/2009 22:39

Tom thanks for your reply, and medication does help me in some ways but in others not. Sorry to hear you are having a nervy day. I know the feelings all too well. I have been fitted with a urinary cathteter this past 3 weeks and my GP feels its down to medication that i cant pee. I also saw some specialists and they mentioned medication as a possible cause. I await futher tests and when they are clear of any physical illness then I can be sure its meds. My psychiatrist doubts that its meds. But i have found evidence on the web that Effexor XL can cause urinary retention. I have not shown him the proof yet as i am afraid also that if he changes antidepressant effexor is known for bad withdrawal syndrome. Catch 22 position do i or dont i , i just dont know.


Anne   Posted: 23/02/2009 14:17


You are sick and feeling awful, as you say, not a good day and yet you write in to help one of your friends now thats what I call a real friend. I hope you don't mind me remarking on that.

I wish you good thoughts and healing all the way.


Tom  Posted: 23/02/2009 11:22

Hi all, Johno the side effects of medications can be very disturbing. I know from experience of them. are the medications benefiting you in any way? As regards the suicidal thoughts, they are only thoughts nothing more, most people have black thoughts. think of yours as just a little blacker than normal. that is how I look at mine. Kay I cannot see a way around your mothers situation except to try to accept her as your mother. Ann, Francis and Patricia thanks for your kind thoughts.

Not a good day today, woke up to been sick, nerves are playing havoc. Tom.


Anne   Posted: 23/02/2009 09:55

Hi Kay,

Thanks for your wishes, I had a great weekend. I had lost a couple of pounds and my Sister said, not knowing that I was on a diet (cut out bread and sweets) she said "you look great really healthy did you lose weight and hair is lovely". Kay I felt on top of the world! Kay give me the address of your Mother and I'll send a scary Hit Man Ha! On the serious side though, I have a very close person to me who uses emotional blackmail to disarm me! if I said what you said to your Mam I would get exactly the same answer, how can you explain anything when they put on their little girl/boy face and say everything I do is wrong, how can we win Kay? I suggest no more talking, get a large roll of Duck Tape and when she is dozing in the chair wrap it around her head, the mouth area, avoiding the nose, she has to breathe!, other than that I am in the same position and I haven't tried the duck tape But I will if he continues (Hubby).

Hello to all,

Good Luck


Kay  Posted: 20/02/2009 19:02

Hi Johno, it is probably the meds that are causing the drooling anyway. I know when I was on a med combo of cipramil, amitryptyline and sleeping tabs that I was affected by them. I was hypersensitive to noises and peoples voices. I was almost detached from my body at times and my stomach gave me problems. They didnt cause me to drool but I had such a dry mouth and permanently felt hung over. Have you got any leaflets with your meds or even check on line. Just key in side effects of ------- and name one of your meds. Dont be too taken back by all that you read though, I remember reading about some of the meds I was on and panicking because some of them said that suicidal thoughts were sometimes stronger with certain anti-depressants. Like I needed to read that. I was like oh for gods sake arent they supposed to make you better not worse.

Anne, I hope you have a fab weekend. I will let you know how I get on next week. AHHHHHH!!!!

Guys, I have a problem. My mother is going around telling people about what happened to me as a child. (abuse). She told my mother in law today and told her some details which I would rather not be told. I feel like choking her. She flippin wrecks my head. She has done this a lot and when I ask her not to do it anymore she says "ok, I am sorry, I cannt do anything right" in her sad voice. Then she turns around and weeks later does it all over again. Once again she thinks its all about her. She has always been demanding and the centre of attention so she switches everything around so that people feel sorry for her. Do I sound bitter? Because I am, very bitter. She didnt protect me when I was little so as far as I am concerned, she gave up the right to act like the concerned mother long ago. Any advice taken please. thanks Kay.

Anne   Posted: 20/02/2009 13:07

Hi All,

Kay thats great about the job, aren't you the lucky one the whole world is out of a job and you get one, now that has to tell you something! You are right don't panic think, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain, all the best chicken. Would you please let us know how it was for you, not the job, how you managed I mean o.k.

Helen how are you yea! you are finding your feet, nobody is going to take you for granted again, as Kay already said you must feel empowered, its always the nice people like Kay and yourself that people turn to, always ask a busy person if you want something done, I think that is the old saying. Helen we are going to Ennis for the weekend tomorrow a.m. back on Sunday night, because hubby is back into work on Monday, my butterflies have butterflies, its just because I am out of my comfort zone and I feel my lovely sister/mother all wrapped up in one can see right through me so even if I am not tense I will be just at that thought. I know I am not making sense.

Frances how are you, how are your butterflies, mine were asking for yours Ha! write in and let me know.

Tom anybody pay you yet, we could all get together and be the "heavies" to call around to their place of work and rough them up a bit! Keep writing in.

If I have forgotton anybody please write and let me know, I contact Patricia and she is fine but was annoyed by people on other forums, maybe we will all get together someday, I would like that.

Have a great weekend and write in soon. Love Anne.

Johno  Posted: 20/02/2009 12:58

Firstly thanks for all your support and i find it a good place to br able to chat to people about my difficulties and hearing of others in a similar situation. I have 2worrying side effect from my combo of meds. The doctors dont listen to me they just tell me that my problems could be down to meds, but they dont change anything. Firstly have urinary retention am fitted with a cathether and secondly i have started drooling excessivley. Every thing physical is in the process of being checked out but if they think its meds are the problem why cant they just shift me onto some other combos, I am currently on high dose of an snri,antipsychotic,benzo and sleepers. Has anyone any ideas what i should do.



Kay  Posted: 19/02/2009 19:11

Hi Johno, i think we are allowed to discuss meds here as long as they are not illegal!!!! I know I have talked about meds here before and there were no problems and like Anne says if irish health dont think its suitable then it wont be posted. I too have had those suicidal fears, not actually wanting to die but fearing that things might get too much and I might take that option. its a very scarey place to be in your head. It does pass, but unfortuneately at the time its happening it doesnt feel like it will. Johno, have you got supportive friends or family, I hope you are not going through this on your own. Well you have us here and its completely anon.

Helen, I am so glad you sorted things with your friend. Doesnt it feel good and powerful to stand up for yourself. I am having a great week as regards saying no to people especially family. long may it continue. I feel strong and I feel brave. I hope to be starting a part-time job next week Ahhhhhhhh. I am only going to be working around 10 hours a week but this is a huge committment for me. I am not going to panic or get all anxious about it. I am waiting on a phone call to confirm it. Fingers crossed guys. talk soon. Hi Tom glad you are doing well, keep coming with the posts.

Anne   Posted: 19/02/2009 13:54

Hi Johno,

Thank you for your nice reply, I think we are allowed discuss medicines but I can assure you if Irish Health does not permit it, they just won't print your letter or edit it.

All the best Anne.

Johno  Posted: 19/02/2009 13:32

Hello Anne

Many thanks for your kind reply and I also hope I have made friends with you. Maybe we can help one another along the long road to recovery.

One question I do have is are we allowed to discuss medication on these forums.

again many thanks

Your New Friend


Anne   Posted: 19/02/2009 11:54

Hi Johno,

I am so happy you wrote back in so I can apologise yet again (I posted apology on 14/2/09.)  I looked on your letter as more a statement of anger and frustration rather than a plea for help and friendship, I misunderstood completely.

I hope you will find friendship and help here on this forum. I do, that is probably why I am so protective of the new friends I made here. I hope we can be friends.

All the very best


Johno  Posted: 18/02/2009 23:19

Hi All and many thanks for your replies. I was taken aback at one message in particular, but in the end it doesent really bother me that much.

I am trying to take one day at a time and i find somedays i just can be very angry and negative about the whole medication issues and what they have done for me physically.

I have had 4 recent admissions to Psychiatric hospital because of suicidal thoughts. I was so low, these thoughts would not go. But i feel for now i have turned a corner, be it temporarely or not i just feel a little better.

Thanks all


Helen  Posted: 18/02/2009 23:06

Hi Tom, Kay, Anne, Patricia, Allie, Lou and everyone out there.

Tom you are right to be positive. I am practising to say a few things every day when i wake up, along the lines

"everything is changing and i can change everything" (The blackdog - book) 

" I am bloody brilliant" (Janet Street Porter)

and due to a fight i have just had with a friend (Kay you helped me stand up to her as i didn't want to walk around with my head down as you said could happen and i went to her house yesterday and sorted it out with out taking all the blame) i have made a COMMITMENT to myself not to say anything bad about anyone for a whole month, in a nut shell PRAISE OR SHUT UP - and this goes for me too. Imagine praising yourself for a whole month!!!!!

Anne are you writing away???? i am delighted you have taken your natual talent to communicate a step further. How are the butterflies today?

Anne   Posted: 18/02/2009 21:11

Hi Tom,

Good to read your posting.  When my head is full of noise and nonsense I put Lyric FM on and I try to slow down my thought process to that of the music, sometimes it works, I can actually feel myself relax.  

Regarding customers not paying their bills, I heard recently a man putting a list in his window of the people who are not paying him. Can you take back what you provided ie like goods etc. or undo what you did they would soon come up with the money, people like that make me sick, they should be named and shamed.  Just a suggestion could you be paid in advance, hard times, tough decisions, they the customers should understand. is that possible, just a thought.

My Counsellor is always checking me on saying negative things ie. "I'm pathetic" or constantly saying "I'm sorry" for no good reason, I don't find it easy to break old habits but I suppose if we are conscious of making negative comments we will eventually change, everything takes time I am told, we didn't get this way overnight, Funny, Tom something just came to mind, once when I was trying to lost weight, somebody suggested that I put little notes on fridge and cupboards etc. maybe we could do the same with affirmations.  On the mirror in the bathroom we could put I am a man/woman who is liked and respected, I deserve the best because I am good to others etc. etc. on the inside of the front door a note saying well done Tom/ Anne I am making the effort I deserve the best.

I am happy about Patricia's finding the information for me on Creative Writing it works for me Tom I get lost in make believe stories and character's or even my life story. if you ever need anything to help you sleep my life story is the very thing Ha! there I go again!   Have a good night's sleep Tom why? BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTH IT AND DESERVE IT FRIEND.

Nite all, Anne

Kay  Posted: 18/02/2009 21:00

Hi Patricia, I know some abuse stuff is  probably passed down from generation.  I think things like alcoholism, violence and stuff like that probably is and part of me did wonder if maybe sexual abuse was more likely to be by men who have been abused themselves rather than women.  I know too, not all men do this so I dont want to make a generalisation.  I would love someone, like a cousin or aunt to confirm what I remember about the person who abused me, it would be like validation.  Although I know everything I have remembered is true, it would be a huge help for at least one other person admitted it too.  Although most of my extended family dont actually know about my abuse, I kinda want someone else to speak up first and then i can say "yes" he did that to me too.  Dont want that to sound mean, it would be a bit easier to have someone else to talk to about this.  for the past while now i have been wondering about the depression/abuse relationship.  It has crossed my mind lots lately, that if the statistics for abuse is one in four then depression has to have a strong link to it.  Its also true that some people might never wish to go there or remember and finding the cause of depression means to dig deep and stir up all the parts of our childhoods we would rather forget. 

Lou, thanks for you post.  Sorry to hear about your abuse. All we can do is change peoples perception on child abuse.  Or at least try.  All I want to do is let people know and make more aware of the effects of abuse well into adulthood.  Its all about re-educating the world around us and breaking the silence.  God I sound like my therapist.  Thats not a bad thing though. 

Tom, glad you are doing ok.  You are right about radio 1.  Its flippin depressing.  Especially a certain presenter who is on in the afternoon who shall remain nameless.  I think it boosts the ratings to have people who are negative on the show rather than positive.  I always listen to 2fm and recently swithched to radio 1, but swiftly went back to the first due to the constant negative stuff.  So I am with you on that one.  Isnt it crap when money becomes an issue.  But, although I am reluctant to admit this, I am actually finding it ok managing the cash since hubby lost job.  We are pretty lucky and not finding it too stressful at the moment. In the long term though I am trying not to think too far because then I would probably panic.  The writting is very helpful isnt it Tom?  I find it a great release.  Talk soon.

Hi anne, Helen and all my other pals.  Kay.

Patricia  Posted: 18/02/2009 20:30

Anne, Lou, Kay, Maria, Tom and other friends:

I will not be posting on this "website" any further.  I would not like to lose touch with you all (Anne, I also write, for a living, so would love to chat with you about that).  I am risking putting up an email here, but here goes.

It isn't my usual email, but I do check it every couple of days.

All the best. Stay safe


Frances  Posted: 18/02/2009 18:59

Hi everyone,

I haven't been writing in a few days but have been reading all your messages.

Allie, I'm delighted you're getting help and you even sound better already! While reading all your comments today I realised that I have a demon similar to all yours. There is only one other person I have told about this (my partner). I'm now almost 58yrs old and it's ridiculous that I kept it to myself for so long. I find it hard to even write this but I know you'll all unserstand. My father sexually abused me from a very young age (about 6 as far as I can remember) and I used to actually think it was MY fault. I know different now. I was married at 18yrs (I think to get away from HIM), had three beautiful children and NEVER abused them but used to watch signs that my husband might. He never did and I can honestly say he's an excellent husband. I never told him about my abuse. I stayed married to him for 21yrs and then divorced him.

My partner now of 18yrs was also abused by a family member (a priest) and when he told me about that I felt I could tell him about my childhood. We really are "soul mates" and he's the best thing that ever happened to me (apart from my children & grandchildren).

I feel better now getting all that off my chest! 

Talk to you all soon xx

Tom  Posted: 18/02/2009 16:45

Hi all, just checking in and reviewing posts, for me reasonably good head space all considered, I think alot to do with getting a good night's sleep. Dealing reasonably well with alot of problems, work, cashflow personal and health. Feel a bit isolated and so it is good to know that this facility is here for contact.

Health wise a good bit of pain although going for water exercises helps.Have stopped listening to RTE radio as it is way over the top with the negativity and bad news. Listening a bit to Lyric FM, I think the music is soothing.

Has anybody noticed that nobody wants to pay for any service, I provide a service and while there has been enough work, since nobody is paying cash flow is pretty awful. Anyway good to get this down on paper.

I can only empathise with the very real suffering caused by child abuse. One thing I have become very much aware is not to be down on myself. So for instance I have been very down on myself for forgetting. Now I am starting to say when I do remember something is " I remember" instead of saying I forgot. Finding this helps me all round. So perhaps the positive sense of child abuse not been your fault in anyway might assist current thinking processes. Does anybody have any other tips for emphasising the positive. I am trying my best to say thanks for all I have got. Take care all Tom

Patricia  Posted: 18/02/2009 12:09

No, Lou, not all persons who suffered an abusive childhood become themselves abusers.

"""Repeatedly I was told, "I, too, was a battered child, but that didn't make me a criminal." When I asked for details about their childhood, I was always told of a person who loved them, but was unable to protect them. Yet through his or her presence, this person gave them a notion of trust, and of love.I call these persons helping witnesses. Dostoyevsky, for instance, had a brutal father, but a loving mother. She wasn't strong enough to protect him from his father, but she gave him a powerful conception of love, without which his novels would have been unimaginable. Many have also been lucky enough to find later both enlightened and courageous witnesses, people who helped them to recognize the injustices they suffered, to give vent to their feelings of rage, pain and indignation at what happened to them. People who found such witnesses never became criminals.Anyone addressing the problem of child abuse is likely to be faced with a very strange finding: it has frequently been observed that parents who abuse their children tend to mistreat and neglect them in ways resembling their own treatment as children, without any conscious memory of their own experiences.

For this process to succeed, the adult who has grown up without helping witnesses in his childhood needs the support of enlightened witnesses, people who have understood and recognized the consequences of child abuse. In an informed society, adolescents can learn to verbalize their truth and to discover themselves in their own story. They will not need to avenge themselves violently for their wounds,...."


""To undo the imprint of abuse, you must access it, expose it and process the experience. Otherwise, it creates a rotting core of self.

Both depression and abuse are legacy issues. They run together in families, passed down from generation to generation. The intergenerational transmission of abuse is invariably associated with the symptoms of depression. Abuse brings with it the vulnerability to depression.

There are many actions you can take to curb the legacy of abuse and stem the depression vulnerability it generates.

Map the landscape of the abuse you experienced. Become the cartographer of your psyche.

This is not something you can do completely on your own. Talk to those who shared the landscape with you and ask them to share with you what they remember. It is not likely that you remember everything on your own; denial is a coping mechanism everyone uses. You overcome the limitation of your own awareness by checking out your experiences with siblings, aunts and uncles, whoever was around when you were young.

Lou  Posted: 18/02/2009 11:51

Hi Kay I just saw something in your post there that I picked up on. I too was sexually abused as a young child, and I would never dream of laying a finger on a child. I love children and animals I think they are so wonderful and their innocence is so marvellous I dont know how ANYONE could destroy that. The thought of it makes me sick. It really infuriates me when people make the association between victims and perpetrators. I say to myself "do we not have enough to deal with trying to recover from our abusive past and get on with our lives than have to live with this disgusting stigma attached to us that we may may be a danger to children?" - it is a vile double whammy and people are so cruel sometimes. I look at my beautiful little Godson who is just under a year old and I think God he is not even my flesh and blood but if ANYONE laid a finger on him I would beat them to within an inch of their life for hurting him, so I can only imagine how protective you must be of your own children. It REALLY angers me when people try to say that victims will become perpetrators. We have ENOUGH to deal with!

Patricia  Posted: 18/02/2009 11:35

Hello Kay:

Good to read you as always.

The abuse dynamics. Well, it is different in the case of boys and girls. I will find a piece of information on this. Girls who have been abused (I mean this in a very wide sense, not just in the case of brutal, physical and/or sexual abuse) but where the child had "no voice", was demeaned, put down, given a crack up the side of the head maybe every so often, told she was useless, etc. etc. This leads to permanent scarring, and to dysfunction. Because this treatment is meted out by the primary caregivers (ie. the parents) the child naturally enough assumes it is "normal", and accordingly assumes that is the way, in turn, to treat others. It also means that girls, (women) make a very bad choice of spouse/partner, because they go on to that awful "comfort zone" they endured as a child, and so enter the dysfunctional continuum. However, this does not happen in all cases, where the child may have had a "friendly witness" or "enlightened witness" to palliate their childhood horrors. This could be a kind aunt, relative, friend, who is maybe not there every day but who can treat them with kindness, and validation, so the child realises that kindness and voice, and validation do exist. Such children stand a better chance of not growing up dysfunctional.

Boys (males) are more likely to act out if they were physically, emotionally or verbally abused, whereas girls are more likely to become "the abused" in later life, not necessarily, as I said, physically abused, but likely to enter an abusive relationship, be demeaned, verbally and psychologically abused.

Again it is worth looking at

""Because in the subtext of the parent-child relationship, these questions were never adequately answered. Or if they were answered, the message was: you don’t exist for me, you have always been a burden, or you exist for limited reasons having to do with my own psychological needs. Lacking satisfactory answers, the person can spend their whole life erecting props—ways they can validate their very existence. They do this through relationships, career success, self-aggrandizement, obsessive or controlling behavior, drug or alcohol use, or other ways (I will talk about all of these in later articles). Loss or trauma causes the props to fall, and instead of tumbling to a sturdy stone foundation (“I had a bad time or bad luck, but I’m basically O.K.”), people slide into a vortex of terror, shame, and worthlessness.

Parents who provide their children inadequate answers to the four questions are not evil. Usually, they are struggling with the same questions themselves: who they are, what value do they have, how can they get people (including their own children) to see and hear them--and sometimes should they live or not. Without definitive, fundamental answers, parents lack the emotional resources to answer the questions for their own children. The intergenerational cycle continues until finally someone gets help.""


Anne   Posted: 18/02/2009 09:33

Hi Friends,

Allie47 I had had you on my mind for some reason and I thought tomorrow morning I will drop you a line. How are you managing, since your move and your little son is he adjusting. It must be scary starting somewhere new I have never been faced with it. You appear to be a strong person no matter what the reason and I know it is your little boy. Remember that you have complete anonymity on this site so come on when you need to talk or just to let us know you are o.k.

I look forward to hearing from you, keep strong pet.


Anne   Posted: 18/02/2009 00:18

Hi Patricia,

You are a complete microcomputer in the guile of a woman Ha! the information you gave me was exactly what I was looking for, Irene Graham and Fish Publishing, thank you! thank you! thank you! do you have white feathery wings by any chance, there I go again !

I am going to bed now and I am so happy thanks again, did I thank you Ha!

Nite nite everybody Anne.Laughing

Kay  Posted: 17/02/2009 22:37

Helen, people come into our lives for a reason, at least thats what I believe. I, like you have had people come and go and wondered what the hell just happened? I have been used by so called friends, for childminding and other stuff and although its down to them for most of the blame I have to take a little responsibility for allowing it to happen. I am slowly learning to say "NO". It takes lots of practice and some getting used to after lifetime of trying to please people. You are not to blame for so called friends leaving, they are at least half to blame too. As the saying goes it takes two.

Patricia, I love your posts. I too know now, that memories are absolutely stored in the body. Through therapy, I know this to be true. I am very interested in this and find that when I hear of people getting ill with some illness or disease I immediately wonder what are they supressing. My neck and back always go into spasm and there is pain when I am under emotional stress. To me it usually means there is an issue from my childhood or a flashback about to surface. And the harder I try to run from it the more my neck hurts and then when i face it as horrible as it is, the pain in my neck eases over the following few days.

One thing I dont get though is - I have read countless times that when people are abused as kids then they usually abuse their own kids too. I was brutally abused sexually as a very small child and would never dream of abusing my children. Why would anyone want to put their own children through the horrific stuff they suffered as kids themselves? I dont get it. I feel I have become a better mom because of my past, and especially throught therapy, I know that everything we say and do to our children shapes them into the adults they become. I still let the odd shout out of me, but I have definately become a better parent as has my husband. Its all about breaking the cycle, breaking the pattern and trying to see things from a new perspective. By the way thanks for the links , very interesting and an eyeopener to anyone willing to go there. thanks again.

Anne, by the way for the past week I have had my husband up at 12 at night looking to see what the noise was. I think he thinks I am loosing the plot. I keep hearing this deep humming noise, like an engine running softly and he cannt hear it. Help! And by the way again, go you for your writting. See, there is a hidden talent there waiting to burst out at the seams. Most writters are moody and tempramental(artists license). So its ok for you to have dark days, its what makes you who you are and hence what your write about.

talk soon guys. Tom, how are you doing these days?

Allie47  Posted: 17/02/2009 18:26

Hi everyone... my best to you... this coming Monday I go back to my couselor.. also I have a new Dr in March... the other one just never listened... I recently moved, and getting comfortable with your doctor sometimes takes time then sometimes you have to change....

I've read all the entries... Anne and Kay thanks for your kind words.. and I read all of the entries also Patricia, Helen, Frances, Johno, and Tom.... thanks for sharing. Knowing I'm not alone in all this is definitely a blessing. I really hope things are working out for all of you... and listening to others issues helps me get my mind off of my own. Thanks for welcoming me in...

Blessings to all of you... will be droping back in...



Patricia  Posted: 17/02/2009 16:19


Here is a site for you re writing:

This place runs contests, and also has a critique service. Have a look, it could be fun!

and it could also be fun to go to a writers' workshop

As for the matter of the banging door, well who knows maybe the barrister Mum is also frazzled, but puts up that attitude screen. Humour can often defuse such situations. I dislike loud noise myself, and as my hearing is so sharp I can listen to radio or music at very low volume. Maybe the son next door will eventually move on, or maybe some kind of strip could be put on that door to reduce the noise.

Yes, there are problems on this site right now, particularly with viewing the posts. I am getting notifications all right, but things have slowed down. Hopefully the Editor is on to it.


Anne   Posted: 17/02/2009 15:25

Hello Friends,

I am in a bit of a muddle these days, I'm angry and I am worried and I don't know what to do about either. I am finding that I am very sensitive to loud sound and, the radio the tv etc. and then to top it all we live in a semi-de bungalow and the 18 year old BANGS! the front door when he is going out and coming back in, every time I hear a BANG! I crack up, so I want to kill him, but I can't because he is mentally challenged and he doesn't mean it so I am angry at the sound but would feel guilty if I said anything to his Mother she is a Barrister and has the attitude to go with the job so, now I am afraid. Angry, guilty, and afraid.

I visited my Counsellor yesterday and told her how much I love writing little stories, she said if you could only see your expressions when you are talking about writing, you look as though you are talking about a new love in your life, I had the spark! that she was waiting for. I was telling her how embarrassed I am about letting anybody read my stories. I explained that if somebody critiqued them for me it would have to be a stranger otherwise if there was praise, I wouldn't believe it. Enough about that, Anne is a frustrated want to be writer.

It is coming up to our weekend away and I am beginning to get the butterflies in my tummy, why am I like that I just don't know anymore.

I will say bye for now,


P.S. I am now having problems with this site, it was Tom last week I think. I am not getting any notifications when people write in to a forum etc. is anybody else having this problem, Anne

Patricia  Posted: 16/02/2009 21:33

Hello to all:

Been away all day, so only looking now at the posts.

For the moment, this (Kay) and everyone.

There is a lot of information on Dr. Miller's site, and a lot of it makes for uncomfortable reading, because it makes us think, and SHOULD make us think.

"....faced with a very strange finding: it has frequently been observed that parents who abuse their children tend to mistreat and neglect them in ways resembling their own treatment as children, without any conscious memory of their own experiences.

How can this be explained? After studying the matter for years, it seems clear to me that information about abuse inflicted during childhood is recorded in our body cells as a sort of memory, linked to repressed anxiety. If, lacking the aid of an enlightened witness, these memories fail to break through to consciousness, they often compel the person to violent acts that reproduce the abuse suffered in childhood, which was repressed in order to survive. "

Miller also discusses how institutionalized religion itself can contribute to the crushing guilt that prevents us from being healthy and conscious adults. She urges society to realize that the Fourth Commandment -"Honor thy father and thy mother"- offers immunity to abusive parents. Indeed, she argues, it is healthier not to extend forgiveness to parents whose tyrannical childrearing methods have resulted in unhappy, and often ruined, adult lives.

In a stirring rejection of the "Poisonous Pedagogy" that pardons even the most brutal parenting, Miller examines the cyclical nature of violence and abuse. Parents and guardians who abuse their children, both physically and mentally, leave them embarrassed and hurt. The inability of most children to properly express such feelings causes them to perpetuate the cycle by lashing out at their family, friends, and, above al1, their own children, who will inevitably do the same.

Throughout The Body Never Lies, Miller offers a calm and encouraging voice. Indeed, The Body Never Lies, through its illuminating and provocative insight, affords us a unique understanding of the immense healing powers of the adult self and the body. "

Anne   Posted: 14/02/2009 19:04

Hello again Johnno,

I apologise if I was a little direct in my reply but Johnno we really do help each other over the bad times, and we care, so please read our previous postings and maybe some of the advice may be of help to you.

Thanks, Anne.

Helen  Posted: 14/02/2009 07:26

Hi all,

Patricia, thanks for the posts re boundaries and Expressing anger, they really hit the nail on the head for me. I need to reintroduce boundaries if i want to keep a certain friendship at the moment.

Anger, mmm its a funny one but often this person who makes me angry has no idea what she had done, i have tried to tell her i am offended by an email she sent (a first time for me in 7 years of frienship) and she has gone mad and is making out she is so hurt by me now and unfortunately its making me more angry because she won't appologise, and guess what, i have woken up this morning with severe back pain! aahhggg

I have a terrible pattern of losing friends because they start to annoy me, i dump them after a while and stop ringing back etc, i don't want to keep doing this and i am at a loss.

Anyway its not that serious, i hope all of you who are fighting anxiety and depression are taking small steps everyday to improve your lives, Anne you are right that we need to do things ourselves for ourselves to get to a brighter place.

Have a lovely weekend, dare i say valentines day Laughing


Kay  Posted: 13/02/2009 18:30

Johno, hi. I know its crap to feel like this and I know that meds play a part in getting better. You are right I know lots of people who are like us and have to wait to see a psychiatrist or counsellor for a long time and then only get to see them once a month or every few months. Myself and my hubby decided that we had enough of waiting for the health service to accomodate us so I am now going to a therapist every week and have been for over a year now. This costs us €60 a week. There have been times when i felt guilty for spending this money on just me but it was necessary because like you I wasnt getting anywhere with just medication. Now my hubby has lost his job and it worries me as to how long I can go to see my therapist on the money we are getting now. My life couldnt go on the way it was and something drastic had to be done. I know this is a lot of money every week but my god its worth it. Is there a possibility of you going to see someone like this? My therapist has told me that if I come to a point where I cannt afford therapy then we will work something out. She knows how far I have come and wants me to get better too.

Tom, I am not angry all the time. It comes in waves. I could be fine for days and then i feel this huge anger surging inside me. I know you had fear of anger growing up and so did I. My mom was volatile and unpredictable. She hit me and my sister and always on the head. With her wedding ring knocking into the side of our heads. I always thought growing up this was normal but I now realise its not. I would never dream of hitting my kids like this and I know my mom must have had issues but to take them out on her own children is unforgivable. Although we talk still , its always at the back of my mind how cruel she could be to us. This and other people who say cruel things or take advantage of others makes me really angry. There is a bit of this going on in my life right now so I know the anger is being stirred up by this.

talk soon guys. Johno, let me know how your are Kay.

Frances  Posted: 13/02/2009 18:17

Well said Anne (to Johno). "laugh and the world laugh's with you, cry and you cry alone.

Don't know if you ever heard that one Johno, but it's very true. The answer to all our problems is not in medication but if you get the balance right, they help. My GP was right (although I didn't think so at the time) when he told me I would have to dig very deep inside for strength to get through. That was a few month's back and now I CAN dig deep and get through 1 day at a time. I'm not saying every day is good, in fact, today was the worst day I've had in a long time, but I survived TG and only took half a valium. The mind is a "dodgy" area but when I'm really down I think of other's who are worse off and that gives me a little lift. So chin up Johno, you WILL get through this but medication alone won't do that - it's up to you. Do you really want to be a misery guts all your life?

Regards to all xx

Anne   Posted: 13/02/2009 12:38

Hello Johno,

Your letter is so angry and negative, the fact that you cannot spend more time with a Psychiatrist is that what has you angry?  Tell me if you had more time with the Doctor what would you talk about.  Would you tell him all the ways you are trying to help yourself lift your spirits etc. like all of us on this forum, or would you be complaining about the health system and what an "absolute disaster" it is, I think the latter.

Now Johno what exactly are you doing to help yourself, please let me know because I am sure you didn't want to spend your time or waste ours read how angry you are about the Health System because that is non-productive.

I will be the first on the line to listen and help if I can because we are a great bunch of people who are managing with anxiety and depression on a daily basis but we don't need negativity, so lets start again.


Johno  Posted: 13/02/2009 10:41

Mixed Anxirty/Depression state not treatable. I have had this for many years and despite all kinds of treatment nothing works. No matter what combo of meds they give me they always end up trying something new. Its an absolute disaster of a health system where you see a psychiatrist for 5-10 mins.

Patricia  Posted: 13/02/2009 00:12

Hello Tom:

Not just you, I also have (recently) the same problem with the posts not fitting on the screen. I think it is a website problem. I did advise the editor, but not sure if anything is being done.

Now, socialising. I think I am a confident and outgoing person, and I certainly have no problem with socialising. I sure do not need to be with people or socialising ALL the time, but it just comes naturally. I am also curious by nature, so I very much like talking to people, finding out about them, and getting different angles on things.

So, I have to ask, since I do not know what it feels like: what would be scary about socialising? What perceived dangers would it present?

All the best


Tom  Posted: 12/02/2009 22:06

Hi All, As regards logging on I have had no difficulty in doing it although the post screen when reading each message line no longer fits on my computer, not sure if this is my machine or not. Kay I am on a small dose of Zyprexa for general agitation, probably not the same thing as anger, might be worth discussing with your GP. Are you angry all the time or just at certain times. Had a reasonable day today, hoping that Donald Duck is back tightly secured in his box for the moment. Anne I think unless a person is outgoing and confident, they will be wary about socialising. I happen to think that lots of confident and outgoing people have a problem inside them with socialising but because of their nature they can hide it well. all the best everyone Tom


Patricia  Posted: 12/02/2009 21:24

Found this:

In fact, when we are angry we are out of control and our ability to respond wisely is diminished. It's time to look at anger in a new way and understand what it really is. Then we can take new steps that help us of anger, make us feel better, and see clearly what to do.Step 1: Realize that anger is a choice you makeAnger is not a form of power, strength, or control. It is a toxin, which sometimes provides a temporary high. After this high subsides,the individual is left weaker and more uncertain than before. Not only that, the negative consequences of our outburst have to be handled. Basicallyanger narrows our focus, creates confusion and limits our ability to find constructive solutions.When anger arises, stop, breathe deeply, and immediately look at the larger perspective. Put the incident in context. For a moment, allow the other person to be "right". Tell yourself you have plenty of time to be right later. Your main goal is to have the anger subside so you can be in control.Step 2: Pinpoint the 24 forms of anger.Anger camouflages itself and manifests in many ways. Unrecognized anger turns into all kinds of unwanted behavior that become impossible to stop. We have to become aware that this behavior is just another form of anger and pull it out at the root.Some of the 24 forms of anger are: depression, hypocrisy, self-sabotage, low self-esteem, burnout, passive aggressive behavior, compulsions, perfectionism, gossiping, lying, and various addictions. When you realize that these are being fuelled by anger, you can take appropriate steps to handle them.

Patricia  Posted: 12/02/2009 21:07

Ladies all:

Boundaries! Personal boundaries. Important words.

What Are Personal Boundaries?Personal boundaries are the limits you set for how others may act or speak in your presence. They are lines you draw that define yourself. They are not walls to shut people out, but rather limits that keep the unwanted behaviors of others from entering your space. Boundaries are essential for personal health. They act as filters, permitting what’s acceptable into your life and keeping other elements out. Your boundaries are about what others may do to you or in your presence. Express Your BoundariesOnce you are clear about your boundaries, you must educate people as to how to act in your presence. If you never tell anyone how to treat you, they will treat you in whatever way they choose. When you say nothing, you give your power away. It’s one thing to confide in a co-worker, “I don’t like the way he spoke to me,” and quite another to tell the person directly, “Please don’t speak to me in that tone.” When you assert your boundaries, you are telling others how you expect to be treated and you are respecting yourself. ""


Frances  Posted: 12/02/2009 19:23

Hi girls and thanks for all your encouragement. You are a BIG help to me and I'd be lost without you!

Well, I didn't stay in bed today. I spent all day yesterday talking to my mam (I'm convinced she's in heaven and is my guardian angel). She never liked idlers so even though I wanted to have another duvet day I forced myself into the shower and actually had a good day. I even went to the supermarket. I only had 2 little panicky wobblers (my fond name for them) but got through them. I am very stubborn but I really think the antidepressants are "kicking in" at last.

I can't believe I'm going to USA on my own! If I get through that I'll get through everything else.

Allie, PLEASE go to a good GP sweetheart and get some help. I know you don't think anybody can help but YOU'RE WRONG love. You have a whole life left to live especially with your little boy. I was suicidal before Christmas and now that's the last thing on my mind. You'll never change the past but you'll learn to look forward and see the past in a different light - I PROMISE xx

When I get scared and angry I clean the house like mad (I must have the cleanest over in Ireland). De-cluttering works too and ironing stops me taking things out on my poor partner. Gardening is great for the auld mind too.

Well girls, that's my lot for today. I'll talk to you tomorrow PG. I'll light a candle for you all and especially you Allie xx

Kay  Posted: 12/02/2009 16:19

Is anybody else having trouble with this forum. I am having trouble logging on and sending new posts.

Helen, there are people in all our lives that we could do without. I had a similiar experience to you as regards a friend constantly asking me to mind her kids or doing stuff for her. It took a while, but she moved to a different area which made it easier for me to avoid her. I could kick myself now when I think of the stuff I did for her and never once did she return the favour. I think though, she was sent into my life for me to learn lesson. I see her in town now and I still put my head down to avoid eye contact with her. I am working on that though because she is the one who should be ashamed not me. Unfortuneately there are people who use others all the time. I would have considered her a friend Helen, and I can honestly say that I dont miss her. I thought I would but I dont. Whats to miss? A selfish, self absorbed person who doesnt see anything else but herself. God I am getting angry now thinking about her.

As regards releasing anger, I would be grateful if any of you could come up with some ways of releasing anger. The punch bag doesnt do it for me anymore.

Frances, you go girl. The flight will be fine. When you go to the Psychiatrist you and they can work out a plan of action.

Allie47, Anne is right, talking is the best way to let this stuff out. And you are doing well so keep writting here and keep talking to us. Its also important to find at least one person to talk to and trust. It could be a close pal or sibling but you have to tell them every little thought in your scared head and not leave anything out. It will seem strange at first but it will help you hugely. best of luck , talk soon. Kay.

Anne   Posted: 12/02/2009 16:04

Hi Helen,

Yes it is I who is heading to Ennis. I don't have a problem leaving the house it is socialising, ie who will I meet when I am out. I feel very comfortable in the hairdressers I go to. I get myself into such a pickle when I am out of my comfort zone, it is so long since I socialised, but there is nothing I really cannot do if I have to, does that make sense !

I love to hear from you so keep writing in.


Anne   Posted: 12/02/2009 15:00


Great! your letter was great to read and I am delighted for you.  From experience I can say, try to get out of the bed on the dark days it will help, when I have days like that I always feel better when I take that first step and then it is easier from then on, but you are the same as many, so don't pay too much attention to it.  You are on the right path so good luck and don't forget I did offer to carry your case.  


P.S. I have taken that flight many times so if you want any info. just ask. It's Cornwall this year, but I have my memories.

Anne   Posted: 12/02/2009 14:32


You appear to be still suffering, please would you go to your GP and let him refer you to the appropriate people for help.  Have you anybody to talk to, do you need a friend or maybe you have too many people trying to help, that can be bad also.

Please open up or let us know can we help other than being your friend let us know what else we can do.  I am convinced it is better to talk to a stranger because you can talk freely and you know the listener will not be worrying about you, they will be there just to listen and maybe point you in the right direction.

Please write in again.


Helen  Posted: 12/02/2009 14:23

Anne, is that you going away to Ennis and getting your hair done!!!! well done i thought you didn't really like going out of the house, that sounds like a big step.

Well it looks like i may have fallen out with a friend, i just don't need people bossing me around and she is so bossy i had to move house to get away from minding her kids and doing all the wee things i used to do, i am sure not standing up for myself with certain bossy friends was one of the reasons i lost it a couple of years ago.

For as long as i can remember i am always doing what other people want, it was like programmed into my brain that i didn't matter (very irish i think somethings as i lived abroad and saw some big cultural differences).

This week i do matter and there seems to be a fallout coming, very scarey but change is good yes???

Frances, i am delighted you booked the flight and now have all this time to look forward to the trip. Your daughter will be thrilled, can you imagine. 

Kay, how is the anger, did you ever watch "anger management" it is one of the funniest films i have ever seen, think i will hire it out this weekend. I have decided to do DIY or cleaning now when angry, at least its useful way of letting off steam.

Tom, Patricia, Allie, hope all well with you.

Patricia  Posted: 12/02/2009 11:18

And this book too:

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward (Author)


Susan Forward pulls no punches when it comes to those whose deficiencies cripple their children emotionally. Her brisk, unreserved guide to overcoming the stultifying agony of parental manipulation--from power trips to guilt trips and all other killers of self worth--will help deal with the pain of childhood and move beyond the frustrating relationship patterns learned at home. ""

There is a huge amount of validation to be found by reading the short articles by a Dr. in psychology on this website.


Allie47  Posted: 12/02/2009 00:27

Thanks everyone for thier kind and encouraging words... even though my last few days have wearied me so... I just had to take the time to say THANX


Kay  Posted: 11/02/2009 19:20

Tom I was thinking about you today and I remembered about a book I bought to help me on my journey.  Its called "Home Coming" by John Bradshaw.  Its a bit of a tough read and its all about what our disfunctional childhoods does to us as adults. It is helpful and as I read it I particularily felt it was directed towards men. Even if you didnt read all of it there are snippets which I think you would find helpful.  Dont know whether you are into reading, but this book might help you get some prospective about childhood/adult dynamics.  Just a thought, I hope you are feeling ok. 

Talk to you all soon.Kay.

Frances  Posted: 11/02/2009 18:33

Hi Everyone,

Well I did it - ticket to America booked and paid for and I'm off on 3rd May until 3rd June - can't wait! Town wasn't too bad - my partner came with me and we actually did a little bit of shopping too. Today, however, was a "dark" day and I practically stayed in bed all day. NOT doing that tomorrow. Going to e mail my daughter now to give her the good news. I hope you are all doing well and I'll let you know how things are going. By the way I'm definitely going to the "shrink" in March. It might make me more relaxed about the 11 hour flight to San Francisco on my own aaaaaaaaaagh!

Keep writing girls, I need you xxxx

Anne   Posted: 11/02/2009 14:48

Good Morning Friends,

FRANCES: how are you today, did you get your ticket yet, you lucky thing. I have lots of phobias but not about travelling and up to last year I had fab. holidays in California etc. so if you want any information or better, somebody to drag your case along and mop your brow please please choose me! I am so looking forward to hearing about your plans, we are all with you (how many seats are you booking Ha) let us know how you are getting on.

I won't write about your visit to the Doctor because you trust your GP and you listen to him, I envy you I wish I had a caring GP, let me know how you get on. Re seeing your daughter and your two grandchildren, I can just see you now coming through customs and walking out that door, dropping your case and grabbing your daughter and grandchildren and never letting go ! yes it will be worth all the discomfort that you are going through. Regards Anne.

HELEN: how are you I am delighted that you keep in touch, don't you be worrying about your friends, I never have disagreements with people if I can help it but I must say during my daughter's school going years I would have to have been a saint to avoid them, I hated those years, but like all things, they pass, remember that what is of paramount importance to you now will be bottom of your list of priorities very soon. Keep in touch pet. Anne

ALLIE47: How are you chicken, please write in and let us know how you are, we care, and it is terrible not knowing that you are o.k. Your on my mind and (old fashioned) in my prayers so lets us hear from you. Anne

KAY: Keep away from the open windows Ha! are you still throwing things no matter how you are you always have time for everyone so I know your drive and good spirit will keep you going. I'm still forgetting little things but nobody owes me money so that's o.k. Got the hair done the other day it is only gorgeous and believe it or not we are going to Ennis with Sister and her Husband for the weekend so there I am taking your advice, I tried for a week in the Bahamas because we are 35 years married on the 23rd, guess what he said, your Sister is taking us to Ennis we can't let her down now, can we!!! what do you say to that? Ha Ha! only kidding, wouldn't want to go anyway! Bye for now Anne.

TOM: I am still forgetting little things but not you, where are you, please keep in touch. How is the swimming going. Tom, you know I worry, oh how I worry! so now that you are on my mind don't wait until you have something wonderful to say (brain box) just write o.k. Anne.

PATRICIA: We are always meeting on different forums, I like the LEINSTER Bar, you will be running the country before long, or is that what you are trying to tell us, you are taking over from the Taoiseach or, the Head Bar person !!!!! either will do. Anne

Patricia  Posted: 11/02/2009 10:26

That is right, Kay.

If you have a physical ailment, you immediately consult the doctor, or at the very least, look for a remedy. Mental or psychological ailments are no different, nor should they be.

Problem is, that in Ireland attitudes to mental illness have always been mediaeval, to say the least. Even something so prevalent as depression is seen as a kind of "weakness", something that is the patient's fault!

Things are changing, indeed have been changing for quite a while, except no one will admit it. If you look in the yellow pages you will find reams and reams of psychologists, and all of them are booked solid.

Even in Frances' case, she has to wait until March (!) to see the psych. I know for a fact that psychiatrists' in Ireland have a huge case overload, added to the fact that there are not, proportionately, not that many psychiatrists in this country.

It is quite normal in other countries to consult a mental health professional if you are not feeling psychologically well in yourself. No one thinks anything the worse of the person who goes for help.


Kay  Posted: 10/02/2009 19:18

Frances, bloody hell girl you are great.  I admire your bravery and strength going to the U.S.  Now to others going on a trip like this would be fab and fantastic but unfortuneately to those who have depression/anxiety and panic its a huge hurdle.  I havent been out of the country in 12 years because of the control issues around panic and anxiety I have, but I am trying to sort that out with therapy.  I cannt urge you enough to go to the phychiatrist in March.  Please, please this is a huge step in your recovery and you will be surprised how quickly you will open up to a stranger(they wont be a stranger for long).  I used to laugh at the americans because it seemed that